I have been diagnosed with Complex PTSD after a long string of traumatic experiences over a period of 30-35 years; I cannot hold a job, and I have now been deemed completely unfit for employment; I live in a 'broom closet', a tiny 1 bedroom flat; the 'love of my life' has emotionally abused and manipulated me over a period of 11 years not including the 3 year grooming period; I don't have contact with my kids due to their abusive mother; I've had 5 suicide attempts in the past 4 years, I am safe now... but not much is needed for me to become suicidal again.
I have given up on life... Can't go backwards, can't go forwards... so I am stuck; just waiting for the end to come because I can't even finish it myself would I want that again (failed 5x times; so what makes me think the 6th time will succeed?)
I’ve been on similar situations. I don’t have your answer but for me, freedom began when I realized that if I accepted death, then I no longer had anything to fear on earth.
Yeah, I've been at 'Death's gate'... on my 4th attempt the power cord snapped after I had become unconscious already and I woke up on the bathroom floor. I should have died on the 18th of September 2021.
I don't fear losing it all either... I've lost so much that I don't even get attached to things anymore because some day I will lose it all again (Been made homeless 2x already; first my dad when I was 19, then my ex December 2019).
@DrPepper12 Nope, nothing... The NHS - National Health Service in the UK... is dead; nothing is being done other than put you on pills which don't do anything on their own other than turning you into an emotional Zombie (and yet I still had 4 suicide attempts while I was on Anti-Depressant Tablets).
My 'regular tattooing sessions are my 'counselling' sessions, and that makes my tattooist my therapist (He jokes about that too); my 'medication' is weed... it's all I have ever known how to deal with my issues; it won't cure me, same as anti-Depressants, but it does ensure that I have the motivation to do something, that I come out of the house, that I can sleep and eat, and it keeps my mind distracted so I won't drown in my misery.
I've been living like this for most of my adult life... Though I have improved, somewhat, over the decades.
I can count the amount of years I have felt happiness on 1 hand, and still have a finger left. That was the first few years of my last relationship, before I started to realise that something was seriously wrong in that relationship. I was happy, didn't smoke weed, hardly drank alcohol (I don't drink any alcohol currently and have done so for 4 years), I had hope, and I had a purpose.
@DrPepper12 But I have now found out that my mental issues may go deeper than trauma.
I had completely forgotten, but as a child I had been put on Anabolic Steroids so that I would grow; I came just about a tiny bit short to be labelled as having a 'Growth-Hormone Deficiency'. My whole development was running 4 years behind on other kids my age. As a result of that I have been bullied a lot, and, as I already assumed but it got highlighted in my medical records, it affected me tremendously. My teens have been hell, exacerbated by the abuse of my mother because she couldn't get to my dad who was under her skin (insensitive, selfish bastard who displays an awful lot of Narcissistic traits).
The problem with Anabolic Steroids is that it can seriously alter your moods and emotions; and indeed since the age of 10 or 11 my moods changed dramatically. I have been angry for 35 years now, and I cannot keep my emotions under control.
However, I have been told that without the Anabolic Steroids I would have been 10cm shorter (I would have been 5'2 instead of 5'6).
Its how you mentally feel PLUS how your body feels. Im 50 but as a HS teacher in great shape before my GBS i can tell you their youth is INFECTIOUS before life crushes them and I DO NOT feel my age AT ALL. The dude in the mirror confitms most of my illusion so its all good!
No I’m not living the life I want to live. I feel my life is being wasted as I never had a boyfriend never had a comited relationship. I’m at point ready have a boyfriend ready settle down but no guy is willing be my boyfriend and want be with me daily. So I’m stuck. My life cannot progress I’m hallow & empty. mom turning 27 & should of already had my first kid, live with a boyfriend , married, happy. But no I’m stuck living with mom, empty sad crying stressed.
I did it for my 40th birthday!! Right up there with cocaine and sex!! I told all my kids when they turn 18 ill jump with them again!! If you do do it DONT BE CHEAP AND GET THE VIDEO PACKAGE!!
Lol with my fat laughing Buddha statue, and my portraits of the King and Queen of Australia, I find belief in a potential reincarnation someday, as a useful coping mechanism and feel good thing in life :) 🧬
I'm definitely living the best life and I have everything which I want, hence I'm not worried about getting older as many more amazing things will come.
I'm most certainly not living the life I want but I will be within a year hopefully. I've worked very hard and have done a lot of things right, it's just getting through to the plans I made years ago
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