Do I have to keep reassuring my girlfriend that I want to be with her?

[Anonymous]

She needs reassurance that I want to be with her because of her past experiences with men. She thinks that I'll get up one day and not want to be with her anymore.

[Simple-Simonette]

I guess for me, I would have to think that if she isn't ready to be in a relationship if she is unable to move beyond the men in her past and you're the one paying for their mistakes.

Don't get me wrong, I have all the sympathy in the world for women who have been damaged by past relationships but how healthy can your relationship with her be if you can't progress beyond convincing her you want her?

I commend you for being with someone so emotionally needy - but are you helping her? You're sympathetic to the "why" of her problem, but how helpful is it to put a band aid on the symptoms instead of healing the true wound? Do you think she will ever really have faith in you?

Also, in this lopsided dynamic - how are your needs being met? Do you ever get a chance to be honest with her about how you feel, or are you afraid it may trigger her insecurity?

I'm not trying to damage your relationship, but the type of relationship you're describing on the two sentences you've shared can't thrive. (I was being a wee bit sarcastic with that last sentence on my behalf - I could conjuring mountains from a molehills).

Whatever the deal is between the two of you, constant reassurance is selfish and self serving. I think she needs to learn to have faith in you and herself. That way your relationship can grow the way a healthy relationship needs to - the equal giving and receiving of love, trust, and companionship.

Good luck.

[dsc2222]

There are other things that you can do besides reassuring her all of the time. The thing with reassuring someone is that no matter how much you say you want to be with her she may have trouble believing it because she was hurt in the past. Plus eventually you will get tired of always telling her when you feel she should know how much you care.You have to show her more than tell her that you are going to be there. It will be the times between you two that are not the best (i.e a fight) that will really show her that you'll stick around. When you don't leave, eventually she will realize that you will be there. Communicate with her how you feel as much as possible. If you communicate and work through any problem areas, then she can see that the only solution to a relationship problem isn't the guy leaving.

If you know her past history with these men, then you can begin to see what I call "triggers". You can watch your behavior to make sure you aren't acting in ways that will trigger that fear in her. You might also try telling her why you are with her. What it is about her that made you choose to be with her for as long as you guys have been together.

Best of luck!

[EmpressMe]

...that would be annoying af. lol

You shouldn't have to. She needs to get over her issues. You are not the guys who hurt her in the past and you shouldn't have to face the repercussions she should have shown towards them. You shouldn't have to fix the damage they caused; she should have fixed that damage herself before she got into another relationship.

[Littletad]

Past experiences can have a psychological affect on people. Your girlfriend was probably treated badly before, or has low self-esteem because of her past. Which means, like it or not, you'll have to reassure her a little more than any other normal girl. As time goes on, she will naturally start to trust you more and lose her fear. But in the meantime, no amount of reassurance will drive her fears away. Be a gentlemen and love your girlfriend, and eventually that will be enough someday.

[TheStaff_Sergeant]

Marrying this girl wouldn't resolve her insecurity issues.

If she isn't doing things to improve her confidence and self worth, then you're just spinning wheels by constantly reassuring her.

That's something you can't give her.

She can accomplish that by having a thorough self assessment, which could ultimately lead to self empowerment and improvement.

[girloncue]

This issue is very common. Her past relationships have caused her to believe she isn't worth it (which is obviously wrong.) The only thing that will help her, honestly, is therapy. If she is your age, it is possible insurance or her college will pay for it, too!

[Anonymous]

First, this most likely means that your daily actions are not reassuring to her. Possibly you are not a very overtly affectionate sort of guy? (IDK, I'm just trying to guess what her issue with you is.)

Next, no, you should not have to tell her daily/weekly/etc. that you won't leave her. There is something else there which is the real problem. Take a closer look.

[Anonymous]

I was like that with one of my ex boyfriends and he got really annoyed by it, because I thought the exact same thing. I was pretty insecure which basically ruined things.

From my own experience I learned that you shouldn't have to. She should already know that you do want to be with her. Obviously if you didn't want to be with her, then you wouldn't be with her.

[benzelizabeth]

she will get better as time goes on. for woman,heartbreak is a horrible,devastating experience. If you want her and you feel it's worth it,then deal with her insecurity for a bit longer and reassure her.

[erzsebet]

that's right...lots of men do leave so it would be good if you kept reassuaring her.

[jacquesvol]

You absolutely have to reassure her that you want to STAY with her.

If once a day isn't enough , then do it five times a day.

[Anonymous]

If you don't want her to freak out then YES just go ahead and say the same thing to her over and over.

[katiekat2]

if it makes her feel better then I would say yes. eventually she will learn that you will be there.. once she realizes that she will stop asking. it just takes time.

[novie]

If she needs it and you're willing to do it for her go with it. Follow your instincts although having to go through this sounds very tiresome.

[MeridiansAAngel]

get her a promise ring or necklace.

-love Sosa