Do I have to constantly reassure my girlfriend that I won't leave her?

[Anonymous]

At this point I just don't know what to do. I am doing my best to be patient, understanding and reassuring but it never seems to be enough. No matter how many times I tell her the truth about how I am not going yo leave her we have this conversation over and over again.

In her past she had to deal with boyfriends doing this. Overall she describes her past relationships to be very negative. So this helps me understand why she thinks the way she does. But at the same time I can't help but feel like I am paying the price for her past relationships because she does not believe what I tell her. I want to reassure her of all her worries but at the rate this has been going it just tells me she does not trust me and I'm not helping based on the experiences she's had with other men. What am I suppose to do in the face of that?

We cannot move forward as a couple if fear and a lack of trust is dominant in her mind because while I am doing my best to help her it is really beginning to take its toll on me. I fear I cannot tell her what is going on in my life, my fears, or say what is on my mind because when I do it seems like it always sets off this past negative cycle with her.

I love her and I really don't plan on leaving but I don't know how this relationship is suppose to grow and keep moving forward in a healthy manner when this issue is in the forefront of her mind.

[Masamii]

your girlfriend sounds a little like me. i haven't had past relationships that turned sour, but i am incredibly insecure about myself that leads to me questioning my bfs true feelings for me.

i don't tell my boyfriend every time i feel like he is going to leave me, but i know he knows i think about it a lot. it really is something that i have to deal with, that there isn't much he can do to make me feel better. when my bf just talks with me it always eases my fears a little, so you could just talk to her more lol.

the fact that you don't feel like you can tell her whats going in your life is really, really bad. this relationship is about both of you. both parties should feel like they can voice how they feel and the other should be there to comfort and help.

she really needs to come to terms with her past before you two can further your relationship.

[Asker]

Thanks for the response and thanks tlfor the insightful response. Believe me I talk with her about it. That is why I'm here, it doesn't matter how much we talk or what I say ill end up having the same conversation in the next day or so. She says it helps but it says the opposite for me when I have to repeat my sef constantly on this topic.

This relationship is turning into me comforting her where I am feeling like if I falter things will go to hell. I don't know I have emotional needs too you know?

She does need to come to terms I don't know what to do though. I just told her I need today just not to contact her I don't know maybe that's a bad move but I cannot have that conversation today

[Masamii]

i would be having the same conversations with my boyfriend if i didn't just bite my tongue and keep telling myself that he loves me. it probably does help her, but it probably harms you having to repeat yourself so much.

i'm not sure if this would solve the problem, but it could help. buy her a cute stuffed animal or something that she can hold and write down on a piece of paper your reassuring love and give it to her. that way its a physical declaration of your love and she could have something in her hands and to read when she feels that way.

she needs to realize that you too have emotional needs that she needs to understand and meet. not contacting her today is probably the worse thing you could've done to her, but you definitely need a day. i'm on your side bud

[Sampo]

oh dang I'm sorry hun, honestly I am like that with my current boyfriend and I love him to death. I was cheated on before and it effed me up a lot so my trust issues definitely got the best of me even though I know my boyfriend would never hurt me. It seems like your situation is the same all I can tell you is that if she matters and you don't want to leave just tell her you aren't going to leave her, you love her and she will learn to trust you. Speak of what you hope and don't give up. You two will be fine, I promise (:

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, this is what happens to everyone (boys and girls) who have been jaded by previous relationships. My ex was cheated on and he would always accuse me of doing things, which I wasn't. You'll need to help build her trust in you and show her why you CAN be trusted. It's a process, but unfortunately, you're the one who will need to show her that there are good guys out there. If you can hang on tight, it might just be worth it.

[Asker]

Thanks for the response
I have been through very hurtful relationship too but this issue is a two way street. I can say in all honestly I am doing what I can but I can't keep it up if the response is always that it helps but then have the same conversation tomorrow. I cannot change her mind. She had to decide to look at the facts of our relationship and decide for herself. I cannot force her to see things the way I do. Its her choice

[yaddayaddayadda02]

You cannot control someone else's behavior. Unfortunately girls (and guys) with these issues usually ruin relationships. This is something she needs to work on. Your responsiblity is to be honest with her and not stick out a bad relationship just because you worry about hurting her feelings.

[Asker]

thanks for the response and very good advise. In a way it aounds mean to say but I have to stay true to who I am as well even if it has the potential of hurting her feelings

[yaddayaddayadda02]

Exactly. You can give her ample warning that she's treading into behavior that many men would find acceptable in a relationship, but in the end her choices are hers.

[GirlRay]

Wow, reading this, makes me think that I should stop doing this towards my own boyfriend.
You should tell her exactly what you wrote here, before she ruins it for herself.

[Asker]

Thanks for the response and I hope you can have an open and honest conversation with your bf.

I told her much of this and she took it personally. So I decided to tell her that we should take the day to think about the direction we are going on our own. I'll end up showing her this thread later in the week.

[GirlRay]

Thank you too.
Remind her that the reason you're mentioning this to her, is in fact because you don't want to lose her. Any guy can say "I love you" some mean it, some doesn't, and when they do mean it, it's our job, as the girl, to believe it. (Just writing this stuff, is therapy for myself)
However, if she feels that there is something you are doing to make her doubt your feelings for her, then there is something specific to talk about and work on.

[p0rtis26]

This is what my relationship was as well. She had unsatisfactory past relationships with guys and I had zero relationships. I kept reassuring her as well, but in the end after I fell for her she left me for another guy. She told me she needed to learn to lover herself before she could love someone else. This is tough you better be careful, but it sounds as if you are already to deep. Insecurity is not attractive and the person becomes unstable.

[Hopeless_Romantic767]

Girls are very sensitive. When boys get their hearts broken it heals, it takes awhile and it hurts, but still. when girls get their hearts broken it leaves a permanent scar... Just keep telling her that you love her. Over and over and over... never stop saying "I LOVE YOU!"

[Asker]

I would not generalize it as all boys or all girls are effected in that way but thanks for the comment anyway. In personally do not see the point in continuing to tell her the truth about how I feel bc she does not believe me and if she does not believe me where is the trust?

[Anonymous]

U need to tell her how u feel and make sure she knows she dont have a reason not to trust u and that u r not her past boyfriends she needs to trust u untill u give her a reason not to

[NotTooMoody]

Yes. We're insecure. Keep telling her that you love her, and show it.

[Asker]

That is what I have been doing but that is where the problem lies...I'd suggest reading before responding. Thanks for the response anyway.