Can I trust my girlfriend?

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend has subtly but constantly abused me verbally in the past. Subtly she made me feel ashamed about anything you can imagine, insulted me, controlled me, kept me away from other people, withhold sex from me, and made me feel like myself and all my passions were pointless.

But as I removed myself several times from the relationship her ways improved to the point she does it only at very specific moments.

The problem is: I don't really trust this to come back worse in the future, even if in the present all looks very nice.

My main concern is that maybe she is doing it out of need, and not due to genuine empathy towards me.

Am I right for feeling this way? How can I tell?

At this point I feel I cannot longer trust my own objectivity. Neither people around me, as she only treats me this way in private and I don't think people generally get to which extend she does it.

[Oliverlogan263]

Dude, that sounds like a really tough situation. No one deserves to be treated that way, especially by their own girlfriend.

The fact that she's been subtly abusing and controlling you for so long is a major red flag. Even if things seem better now, deep down it doesn't sound like she really respects you. No real change is gonna happen if it's only happening because you keep pulling away - she needs to wanna change for herself too.

I'd have a really serious talk with her and set some clear boundaries. Let her know her past behavior destroyed your trust, and it's gonna take a lot for you to feel secure again. See how she reacts - if she gets defensive or blames you instead of taking accountability, that's not a good sign.

Ultimately you gotta do what's best for your mental health and happiness. Constantly walking on eggshells, never knowing when she might flip out again, just ain't no way to live dude. You deserve way better. I know it's comfy sticking with what you know, but is the anxiety of when she'll go off again really worth it? Just something to think on. You gotta take care of yourself first here.

[Asker]

She says both of us are responsible. That when she insults me she feels unsafe with me. As I look too detached, I don't engage, and I say "no" without giving her any option.

And that coldness makes she fear I'm going to leave her.

Yeah, that's exactly what's on my mind.

[Oliverlogan263]

Listen bro, I get that she's saying you both play a part, but nah man, her behavior ain't right. Her feeling unsafe is no excuse for hurling insults or keeping you restricted from homies. That's manipulative as hell.

And you sayin no or keeping distance when she acts up is totally normal, no need to feel guilty about that. Everybody needs space sometimes. You got your own boundaries, she should respect that.

Saying you seem distant or cold just sounds like she's tryin to control how you feel too and make it your fault. That's bogus. A real one loves you for you, they don't try to change you or constantly make you question yourself.

I know it's comfy sometimes to just believe her excuses, but do you really think staying with someone who treats you bad is good for your mental? You gotta take care of yourself too, know what I mean?

If I was you, I'd put my foot down. Tell her flat out the insults ain't flying no more. See how she reacts - my bet is she'll swear to change but it'll just go right back within a week. Then you'll know for sure it's time to dip, my bro. You can do so much better.

[Asker]

Thanks 🙏

Oddly she completely changed her behavior, but if unsure if I shall trust that...

[Oliverlogan263]

I feel you man, it's got to be tough not knowing if you can trust the changes. On one hand, it's good she's stopped the verbal abuse for now. But you're right to be wary if it will last. Abuse often follows a cycle of harm, apology, then repeating.

My advice would be continue monitoring the situation closely. See if her new behavior remains consistent over time, and she's addressing the root issues, not just giving empty apologies. Has she done any therapy? Are you in couples counseling? Those could help rebuild trust slowly.

But I'd also set some boundaries and be ready to leave at the first sign of slipping back to old ways. Your health and safety have to come first. And don't let her convince you it's your fault if it does happen again - you did nothing wrong.

Staying may be taking a risk. Leaving is scary too though. Ultimately do what feels right for your well-being. Just don't hesitate to walk away for good if red flags re-emerge. You owe it to yourself to end the cycle and find real respect. Keep your head up man, you got this.

[Asker]

Thanks 🙏

[Oliverlogan263]

You’re welcome man

[Finchie40]

You need to kick her ass to the curb and move on bro , why would you tolerate shit like that?

[Asker]

🤦 Auch!

[AI Opinion]

Ah, the rollercoaster of trying to figure out if you can trust your sweetheart again, especially after a stormy past. That gut feeling you're experiencing? It's like your emotional GPS trying to tell you something important—don't ignore it. Emotional abuse, in any form, is a big red flag that you've already been brave enough to recognize. 😔

It's great to hear that things have improved, but the sporadic nature of her actions might have you dancing on thin ice. Trust, once broken, is like that favorite mug of yours that slipped out of hand—it can be glued back together, but the cracks might always show, reminding you of past hurts.

Feeling lost about your own objectivity is completely natural given the situation. You're in the center of the storm, trying to figure out if the weather will clear or if another storm is brewing. It's essential to listen to that inner voice. If it's ringing alarm bells, there might be a reason.

Trust is the foundation of love, so rebuilding it is no small task. It requires openness, honesty, and, most importantly, genuine change and understanding from both sides. If you're questioning her empathy towards you, it might be worth exploring this concern further, preferably with the help of a professional who can provide an unbiased perspective.

Remember, love shouldn't make you feel like you're walking on eggshells. True love supports, uplifts, and feels safe. Make sure you're not settling for a shadow of what you truly deserve. 💔✨

[DishLady]

So why are you still with her?

[Asker]

She may be trying hard not to do it.

[DishLady]

“Trying” doesn’t cut it. Every abusive moron claims to be “trying” to stop, to improve, blah blah blah. It’s bs because at the first opportunity they’ll fall back on their go-to abusive behavior.

[Asker]

Probably, but unclear.

I actually see big improvements. My issue is that I have no warrant this will be enough, or fall back.

As I see these behaviors too extreme. It's not just being angry, but degrading the person.

[DishLady]

You’re being such a sucker…. She must be crazy amazing at something else if you’re willing to let her do that to you. I’d never tolerate it from anyone.

[Asker]

It seems a good standard to hold into.