5 things that sound unhealthy in a relationship but are actually fine

[soz11122]

1. Sleeping in separate rooms

There is no rule that says you must sleep in the same bed every night. If you want to sleep in your own room, do it.

2. Keeping secrets

Not every single thing needs to be shared and this includes little things that might upset your partner. Do they need to know that your ex texted you and you ignored them...Probably not.

3. Fantasizing about other people when you're hooking up

Because fantasy is just a fantasy! It is not uncommon for our minds to wonder or intrusive thoughts to enter when you're doing it and also, it can be kind of hot sometimes.

4. Going to a friend for support before you go to your partner

Your primary partner doesn't have to be your primary support system all the time. A friend could be a better person to vent to...

5. Going on vacation without your partner

Sometimes you just got to get some space. Let the relationship breathe, go have fun on your own.

But all in all, you should discuss all these things with your partner and come up with your own conclusions about what works for you all...

[DaveJord]

All I can say that anything in moderation is acceptable... but honestly it comes down to personal choices.

For example, if you're the type of person that wants to sleep alone then you should make sure you make that known to your partner early... because for me being in a relationship and snuggling is a big deal. I make it very known that I am an affectionate person and snuggler... so they know that if they are not, it's not going to work. But that does not mean we have to sleep together every night, and there will be times you just want to sleep alone, but for me that would be the exception not the rule.

For me lies of omission are more hurtful then lying in general. I would never advocate that you should keep secrets from your SO, or especially your Husband or wife. Because in the end, they always find out anyway. By not telling them upfront causes more problems than just telling the truth, and if you actually lie to them, at least in saying it out loud you gave them an opportunity to address the issue. By not talking to them about it you leave it hanging out there unresolved in your own mind. You're SO usually can pick up on the fact that something is on your mind and troubling you, especially when there is a strong emotional bond. So, by not telling them, it will affect your relationship on some level, and at some point, you should discuss issues with them, and they should care. But that does not mean you have to run to your SO first, maybe it better that if you have a boyfriend that you vent it to them first and get their opinion so you can better address it later.

I am very receptive and intuitive person, so when I sense something is wrong and they will not talk about it I get frustrated. Because I can obviously tell something is wrong, and when they deny it or refuse to talk its insulting and disrespectful to me. Because when I truly care about someone I share everything. And when they do not or are not willing to do that, well it's just not my love language.

But again, there some things that they don't need to know, but if it is something that is still troubling you today, then it's something you should be able to talk about unless you are specifically trying to hide it from them... then you got an issue.

But things like fantasizing about other people, is just something you need to keep to yourself. I agree, there is nothing wrong with it, and its natural as long as it kept on a healthy level. But it's not something you ever need to share with your SO or anyone else. If you're willing to talk about it with your freinds, then its disrespectful to your SO, and you at that point should be willing to talk to your SO about it. People role play all the time... so again there is nothing wrong with just knowing it for yourself... but then just keeping it to yourself.

In seriously committed relationship, your SO is also your best friend. That does not mean you can't have other friends, but there should be nothing you can tell your boyfriend that you could not tell your SO... unless its just not that serious of a relationship to you.

[Guy13]

I would have to say that you are not ready for Relationship. Your Heart is not at the right place for marriage. Clearly, you doing these things in the context of a marriage, and its effect upon the other partner, escapes you. Please study Agape, Eros, and Phileo so that you understand Love. If any of these things made your Spouse uncomfortable and you were in Love (Agape) you would not do them. Agape loves and it seems you see love as a self-serving Interest and not a relationship based upon anything more than Self.

Let's just address one: Within married relationships people do not sleep in separate beds normally. The ones that i know who were or are sleeping separately is ONLY because the man cheated on the woman. In one case, I did not realize that until after my Grandmother died. I then got the run down of what sleeping in separate bed is. CPAC Machine takes care of snoring and shower the rest.

If you were committed in this relationship in Agape love and your spouse wanted to share a bed with you then you would share that bed no matter "how you are feeling or thinking"... this is sacrificial Love.

For real so that you understand Relationship as a whole. Agape, Eros, and Phileo and the greatest of these being Agape.

[spearheadbt2]

What a load of nonsense. There is no one single way to do things, even within a marriage. And just about sleeping in a different bed: some people sleep poorly when sleeping with someone else, not just because of snoring. And even within a marriage, you do not belong to the other persons. Boundaries are perfectly fine and healthy.

[Apple1996]

@spearheadbt2 the sleeping in different rooms thing is soo freaking weird. Even if they are annoying to sleep next to it should still be something a person likes doing to be close to their SO

[spearheadbt2]

@Apple1996 Yeah sure, but you don't need to sleep with your SO every day. And maybe it can make sleeping with your SO more exciting when you do it.

[BigWhiteWolf87]

@soz11122

1) sleeping in separate beds because say your partner has covid is one thing. Sleeping in a separate bed routinely strongly indicates a PROBLEM and that there is little to no romance or affection between the two of you and the "relationship" is a farce

2) one of the MAIN FACTORS to a successful and healthy relationship is NOT keeping secrets. So guess what keeping secrets is particularly when you talk about fantasies later. Fantasy indicates no true relationship, that you're looking for someone else, and with keeping secrets that'd include cheating a MAJOR PROBLEM

3) First off a hookup isn't an actual relationship, get that into your thick skull. A hookup is a cheap predominantly sexual affair between two people and is a matter of convenience NOT often is it based on love, respect, etc like a REAL relationship.

In a REAL relationship NOT a CHEAP hookup fantasizing about others indicates a lack of respect, affection and love a MAJOR PROBLEM

4) only actual thing you said that isn't a problem

5) you're in a hookup, not an actual relationship. Kindly stop tarnishing the word relationship with your far less meaningful cheap hookups

In an actual relationship going on a holiday without your parner is very often considered rude, ignorant, uneducated, even demeaning etc. and a PROBLEM

Going on a girls event to a day spa or camping "with the boys" is entirely different and NORMAL unwinding events in REAL relationships NOT your cheap hookups

[dustybiker]

Sorry. I disagree with your reasoning for each of these.

1) If you reach thar point you already have deep problems.

2) Crystal clarity brings harmony. Mystery and secrets are two completely different things. Mystery is healthy. Secrets are not.

3) Happy people don’t fantasize about others. It simply doesn’t cross your mind in great detail.

4) Your partner should be the first person you want to tell everything to. They are your beat friend. All others, no matter how close you thought you were will come and go. Your partner is the one person who should always have your back and reverse.

5) Only if visiting someone who is dying and they can’t get away due to work or other obligation, looking after kids who you want to keep sheltered from the topic. “Vacationing” without a partner is another sign of deep rooted problems.

[Apple1996]

I don't agree with any of these. Literally all of them are signs of problems besides maybe #4.

[FilmGuy93]

Even #4 is a bad sign. Consulting your friends for relationship advice is just begging to have the poison from their relationships poured into your own.

[Apple1996]

@FilmGuy93 very true but it is okay to turn to a friend to vent if they might be more understanding then their SO

[DaySpring]

I think all are bad signs. However, there could be studies on #1 saying the opposite. #4 is too abstract to say. In some cases it can be fine but in others not fine.

I think boundaries are important but why would anyone in love want to sleep alone and go on vacation without their love? It makes zero sense unless it's a bad sign.

[Apple1996]

@DaySpring #1 is just crazy regardless of studies like couples should want to sleep together

[Mangospacho]

Come on, @Apple1996, you know the best relationship advice comes from single people. 🤣

[Apple1996]

@Mangospacho haha yeah especially coming from the singles on GaG. They have top tier knowledge from all the google research they do. No need to have the real life experience anymore 😆

[Mangospacho]

Yeah, and if you’re doing all five of these, chances are you’re not actually in a relationship at all.

[Apple1996]

@Mangospacho def not. I can't imagine doing any of these things

[Lliam]

1) I really like sharing a bed with my wife. I feel lonely when she's not there. I enjoy cuddling or just touching. I enjoy being able to roll over and have spontaneous sex when we're both in the mood. Sleeping in separate beds or rooms makes me think that the couple would need to make an appointment to have sex.

I was reminded of TV and film in the 1950s and 60s when decency codes forbade depictions of husbands and wives sharing the same bed. Each had their own.

It's fine if people prefer separate beds. I can understand if one person snored or used a CPAP machine at night.

2) I agree with your explanation.

3) Isn't abnormal. I think erotic mental images can pop into both men's and women's minds on occasion. It's not that they would like to be fucking someone else.

I don't think masturbating to images other than your partner is cheating. It's just eroticism.

Sometimes, some people even role play different characters just to keep things spicy.

I'm not saying that everyone or even most people ever indulge in erotic imagery during sex. I don't know. However, if researchers are to be believed, 98 percent of men and 80 percent of women fantasize about someone else while having sex with their partners.
I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with it. It just depends on the strength of their relationship with their partner.

And thinking about your second point about secrets. I don't care what my partner thinks about during sex as long as she is getting off with me. But if she had images of a vampire or Brad Pitt or someone, I don't need to know about it.

4) I don't seen anything wrong with that in certain cases. People are allowed to have intimate (not physical) friends aside from their partner. What's wrong with talking to a friend about stuff as long as it isn't to complain about your partner?

My wife has some close female friends. I think it's normal and health for women, in particular, to have girlfriends to talk things over with. There are things that they feel more comfortable discussing with females.

Either way, I don't feel threatened. My wife and I love and trust each other and our relationship is secure.

5) I don't know about that one. Taking a vacation alone because you need space sounds like there is a problem in the relationship. However, I see no problem with taking trips with friends, on occasion.

My wife has gone on three day retreats. I support her pursuit of meditation and spirituality even though it's not my cup of tea. We do enjoy discussing those topics, though.

There are some interests that couples don't share, but that doesn't mean that someone should give up the interests that their partner doesn't share. For example, I love airplanes and rock music and she doesn't. It's okay to do those things with friends.

She has taken week long trips back east to visit her family. I have gone with her many times, but have encouraged her to go by herself sometimes.

So it's not an issue of doing some things separately. It's more about why.

[ObscuredBeyond]

Intrusive thoughts are one thing. But if you are committed to someone, entertaining fantasies with another is dangerous territory. Your mind and desires can betray you.

Yes, it's possible to go on vacation without them, but make it brief. Or a business trip. Long, treasurable ones should ideally be together. That's part of what a life together is supposed to mean.

I know I would like to have a partner that I can do my research trips with. If she's willing to do stock photography for DeviantArt in those locations, even better!

Some of my research would require traveling to dangerous places, like Cincinnati, or Bozeman. Definitely better if I didn't have to go alone. Boonville was risky enough. No idea what awaits in Lewes, though that's where I'd like to go next year.

[FilmGuy93]

Very respectfully, I don’t think you’re quite ready to be dating men. Secrets are never a normal thing in relationships, and there is absolutely no situation in which you should be going to your friends about relationship issues BEFORE going to your partner.

Obviously you have to find balance with these things in your relationships and your partner shouldn’t be isolating you from your friends and support systems, but the idea that you and your partner should be two individual birds who happen to fly together is simply not how relationships actually work.

[avaisfree]

If a friend told me any of these had started happening in their relationship then I would take it as a sign that they might be having trouble. Might be.

On the other hand, if a friend told me any of these had been ongoing for a long time and both people were perfectly comfortable about it, then i would take it as a sign that they're in a very stable relationship.

[RangerBlue22]

Going to a friend for support before you go to your partner

Does your “friend” always have your best interest in mind? What if your “friend” so happens to be jealous/miserable and wants you to be single and lonely as well so she feels better about her situation?

[Ms_Facesitter]

I don't agree.
I love sleeping in the same room. Having him with me brings me comfort.
Secrets... the only secrets I keep are things friends say to me that are confidential. The rest would be disrespectful towards my love.
Fantasizing about someone else is a red flag for me.
Not coming to me first when you are troubled just makes me feel worthless as a partner, it would make me feel like you don't believe that you can count on me 🥺

[Ms_Facesitter]

Five to me sounds like "I need a break" and having breaks lead to break ups in the near future.

[Redhead1981]

All of these things can lead to issues developing within your relationship. You shouldn't be wishing that you were intimate with someone else when your with your SO. Keeping secrets and talking to outside people about your relationship can cause trust issues. And sleeping in separate rooms and taking frequent vacations without each other will hurt the bond you should have and possibly cause one or another to feel like they aren't loved.

[TroyDT2]

1. If one is a light sleeper and the other a snorer, okay. Otherwise an issue.
2. Only if it is about good surprises like gifts.
3. Fantasizing while in bed with another? Get counseling.
4. Maybe in certain circumstances.
5. Have fun, but a self-respecting SO should be gone when you get back.

[Anonymous]

What turned your take from disagreeable to helpful and fine to my eyes was the concluding lines: But all in all, you should discuss all these things with your partner and come up with your own conclusions about what works for you all...

In other words: do those things, but don't hide from the other person that you are doing them.

[Moose304]

^^^^ Says my reply better than words!

[YourFavoriteFriend]

Exactly the type of girl I'm afraid that my future girlfriend will be like. I don't mind so much about these 5 things but for the mentality that I get from this post...

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

All are fine except #3. Sleeping in different rooms is a good idea just to enjoy a nice free night when needed.

After a period of time, things get dull and Sleeping in different rooms create space to miss them.

[burlen]

Nothing unhealthy in a relationship is fine to put up with it.

[Rockstarrrrr]

1- okay..

2- okay

3- say what?

4- not good..

5- okay but there are boundaries..

[fembotnpc777]

Yeah, good luck with that! So helpful, wowe.

[Mangospacho]

These aren’t exactly red flags but these are yellow flags. If you do all five of these, it’s safe to say you’re not even in a relationship at all.

[Tracker1958]

Every one of these sound like someone that want to be single. If you do these thing, why be in a relationship in the first place? This is the foot print for an open relationship.

[BJP21]

Im going to say to a degree this is all true. Nothing wrong with having you time, but if this is all the time... NO GOOD.

[bamesjond0069]

None of this is fine. Wtf! Lay off the drugs.

[spearheadbt2]

I think you should be the one to lay off the drugs!