Why doesn't he see me as long term potential?

[Anonymous]

I met a guy online a couple of months ago. He said from the beginning that he wasn't looking for anything serious as he just got out of a long term relationship and still feeling hurt from his ex. I was in the same situation and thought it would just be a bit of fun. Fast forward 2 months and we find ourselves closer than either of us expected to. There are feelings. The only thing that worried us was the lack of spark, but given that we were two emotionally closed off individuals when we first met it's hardly surprising. What we do have is a great friendship, a growing emotional connection, and attraction. I was willing to give a relationship a go, but he wasn't, saying that he didn't want to commit and had questions about whether I was really 'the one' (lack of intense spark at the beginning, which he seems to think indicates great love). I ended things after that and we both cried when we parted. He said he liked me but didn't realise how much he liked me until I said that we should end things.

SInce then we hung out platonically we friends. We still get along really well and we talked about everything. He still says he is not ready for a relationship. He wants his next relationship to be the one that lasts forever. He thinks he has changed a lot since he got into the last relationship 3 years ago, thinks he is a better catch now, and wants to explore his new identity (essentially keep his options open in case he meets a supermodel!). I'm hurt by this, even though I know he finds me attractive. During our last catchup as friends, he shared something very personal about himself with me, something he said he had never told anyone else.

I don't understand how he could not want a relationship with me if there is physical attraction and emotional connection? If he feels comfortable enough to share then why not be my boyfriend? Is he really not that into me?

[Anonymous]

Everyone's different. I'm 21 I know I'm young and my opinion might not mean much to you but girls ask the same thing about me all the time. I've met a ton of girls I found to be extremely entertaining. Some that we're drop dead gorgoues. Even some that were both extremely entertaining drop dead gorgoues and into me like I was the best thing since Japan discovered rice. Yet I've been single my entire life and plan on staying that way for a while. Did I think these girls would make a bad wife? No they probably would've been great. Was I looking for someone better for me? No not really. Was I fully aware that a lot of girls really wanted something special with me? Yep and that's why I've been single my whole life. I personally just want to enjoy sometime by myself. I don't want to rush into marriage or a relationship on anyone's terms but my own. And right now it's just not what I want. That upsets a lot of girls and I used to try and cling on to those relationships out of fear of missing out on something special but I've learned to be more accepting of thier desires. Just no it's not you. It's him. I know Cliche alert but in this situation it's true. The guy likes you you know this so if he doesn't want to date you I guarantee it's not you that's stopping him. He's just tryna work stuff out in his own head. You go do whatever it is you think you need to do just know it probably has very very little to do with you.

[Asker]

Thank you. You're right, it's something he needs to work through himself and you can't force someone to feel for you what they don't. Whatever happens I think I've learnt to focus on myself and my own life, and let him live his. Thank you for commenting.

[pineneedle]

He's still not over his ex. I know he says he is, but he's not. And here is how you can tell: Because he still bases his idea of love and a relationship on the one he had with her. So because his feelings for you, don't feel the same as those he had for her... he thinks he's not in love with you.
On the other hand, maybe he really isn't in love with you (I'm sorry, and please know that this says nothing about you... it's just one man's personal taste, I'm sure you're really great:) If this is the case, it's probably best for you to maybe take some time to focus on you. On meeting someone who appreciates you and sees you, for who you are now.

[Asker]

Thank you. I think it's a little of both to be honest. I'm not in love with him yet either, although I was getting g there and open to exploring a relationship. Regardless I do need to focus on myself and do my own thing. Thank you for taking the time to comment.