Men, ask my boyfriend about a female messaging?

[bbch25]

Ok so to keep it as short as I can:
1. I trust him like crazy, we speak every day after he finishes work and he spends his only free day with me and I can tell he has strong feelings about me.
2. When an ex messaged him he told me about it the other week.

So, he was playing a game on his phone, I'm watching, he finishes and and goes on facebook and checks his newsfeed and then opens his messenger, all while I'm watching (we're cuddling at the time, so I'm not snooping). I just randomly look around, see the names, and think nothing of it.
This morning, I remember seeing the name 4th from the top is "Julianne", and while I was in the kitchen I remembered my first visit to his house, I saw a book and asked who's it was (for whatever reason) and he said "Oh must be Julie's". He said it very hesitantly, and I moved on.
At the time I took it to be: he likes me, doesn't know me very well, not officially together yet, doesn't want me to react or scare me off etc. Not that he may be hiding anything.

I don't entirely still think he is hiding anything, but do you think it's reasonable to ask him who she may be? Because the names are similar, it's near the top of his inbox and I saw it innocently. If he told me the truth and said it's nothing, I'd move on, not badger him, but I guess I'm curious because it contradicts the rest of his behaviour if it is the same person.

Likewise, if I went onto my inbox, and he saw the name Frank, and knew that was my ex's name and he asked "oh is that him?" or "who is that?" I would find it reasonable.

[TheBootyChest]

People in long relationships or friends who dated but realized they weren't meant to date MAY still keep in touch.

If he tries to cover it up and pretend she is no one and changes the subject quickly he may be hiding something. But it doesn't mean that you need to be greatly concerned.

[bbch25]

Well that was my thought, which is why I'm not sitting here insecure or jealous.. just curious. Because he did tell me when one ex messaged, so why not tell me if you're friends with an ex still? But he only has 3, one is overseas and never has been to this place before, and the other two were nut jobs. So if it is an ex, it doesn't add up then. Which is partly why I'm leaning towards asking opposed to just not caring.

[bbch25]

I also went through his friends list in front of him recently to show a couple of friends he has that have mutual friends with me (one was my cousin, so it was kind of funny). And I never saw that name in his friends list (I have a crazy good memory). So she's not a friend of his on facebook.

[TheBootyChest]

It could be that they she is trying to get back with him and he is telling her no. Did you actually see the message?

[bbch25]

No, just the name. And it may not even be the same person! As I said, I trust him. I just would want to know if it is an ex, why not tell me.
If he told me "yes it is, it means nothing, it's a one off conversation" I'd believe him and not ask to see it. I don't intend on asking to see it anyway.
I just noticed the similarities in names, knew she wasn't in his friends list, knew it was a name that he hesitated to bring up in the past etc.

[TheBootyChest]

Plus it could be someone that he doesn't like talking about and is dealing with a lot of negative emotions about it within himself and it would be worse for him if he had to talk about them before he was ready.

[bbch25]

I understand that. And I wouldn't want to pressure him then. But I guess for me, it's better to be open then give off the impression you have secrets you know. I've been cheated on before (more than once) so i suppose I have that insecurity about me (which I have overcome a lot of!), and he knows that too. I guess when I think about it all in trying to decide whether to simply ask who she is, it just makes things not add up you know.

[TheBootyChest]

I can see where you are coming from. I think you have to remember tho, while you are working on your struggles that you have to give him a little bit or room to breath and have some things he can keep to himself, within reason of course.
I am not going to say that you are smothering him or anything of the sort. But this is just maybe another way to look at something you are doing or thinking.

Something to keep in mind here is that he could have a woman's name in his phone, and you see this and you "flip out" and yell out him. But then you find out later that she is the jeweler or person who is getting you a big b-day present or even your engagement ring.

I don't want you to think I am trying to minimize your struggles on the inside or this situation you are in. Just keep an open mind and work together WITH him.

[bbch25]

No I don't think you are, I asked a question and you're providing possible reasons etc etc.

And that's why I am tossing up. Because I do trust him, and I don't think he's keeping any big secrets or anything and I want him to have his space and talk to his friends (even if we are kind of a clingy couple together) - I keep saying I don't have to come over a certain weekend if he wants to see friends and he tells me no come over.

But at the same time, for me, just having a friend with a name is one thing, but you shouldn't be talking to ex's without telling your current partner. It's someone you were intimate with once, someone you've had feelings for once, and if you're still friends it shouldn't be a secret, and if it is a secret then that's a problem. But that's MY opinion and how I would treat him if an ex messaged me.

And as you said, could be a very good explanation for it all like "planning a surprise" type thing, but that just doesn't fit to this scenario or us really.

[TheBootyChest]

Thanks for MHO. Sorry you didn't get many responses.

[Anonymous]

Sure, ask him.