Any suggestions for getting over my distrust of women?

[Anonymous]

I'm a nice guy and have hung out mostly with other nice guys. In the course of that I've had numerous friends who have been cheated on. Also being the nice guy has caused me to be messed with by a few women and sometimes put me in the friend zone where women have confided in me of their real feelings and how they've slept around, cheating on other men.

The one friend I have who would probably be considered a bad boy has slept with two older married women at the house we share. This makes me realize how easily and often some women cheat.

Another incident that didn't help was when I used to deliver pizza and a woman in a bathrobe was trying to get me to come in because her husband was passed out drunk in bed unable to satisfy her (I'm dead serious).

I'm getting so lonely but I have purposely self destructed the last two relationships I was in before they got too serious out of fear of being hurt. What can I do, if anything?

[VoiceOfReason]

First of all, you can't classify every woman as being a cheater just because a few women do it. Infidelity is not a gender flaw, it's a character flaw that some men and some women have. Case in point, the one friend who slept with two married women (that you know of) knowing they were married. While he may not have a girlfriend he still knew that those women were married and is as guilty as they are. If he does or did have a girlfriend at the time then that makes him an even better example that some men also have issues with cheating.

What you need to do is approach others, particularly women, as an individual, not as a part of a cookie cutter assembly line. Women, like men, are individuals and their character traits, thought processes, likes and dislikes, moral code all contribute to creating their own unique personality and identity. Give them the benefit of the doubt until you learn otherwise. If you condemn a woman as a cheater, do so because of her specific actions, not because she's a woman. To put this into better perspective, how would you like it if a woman who knows both you and your friend and decides to classify you with the same behavior (as a cheater) as your friend? Well, unfortunately, in essence, that's what you're doing, even if you don't realize it.

When you take interest in a woman you just met, the canvas should be clean. Get to know her. Find out what her personality is like. Let her paint the picture based on her actions and moral code and you will find out that there are some pretty awesome ladies out there who are better than those you've seen in your past by leaps and bounds.

[tex151]

I trust a chick until she gives me a reason not to trust her. I have dated multiple women, and none of them have cheated on me, I haven't cheated on them either. If a chick cheated on me and I found out it would be over right then and there, if she lived with me her stuff would be in the front yard when she got home.

[prettypeach20]

you have to realize that not all women are that way. I myself am 22 years old and I've only dated one guy and have briefly dated 3 others all of who have hurt me. a lot of my male friends just wanna bang me which I hate and I feel that its what most guys want out of a girl and it kinda hurts to be honest. trust me: not all women are like that...the women that are like that are that way because they THINK its what all guys want! (sorta like my situation except that I don't give in)...a lot of women seem to think that if they don't sleep around it will be impossible to get guys and a lot of women who have been hurt in the past like to keep their options open and have more than one guy in case they get hurt again which is why your friends have been hurt. I would say that it depends where you go looking for girls...i'm gonna say: try shy girls or girls that don't have any relationship experience or very little...trust me: they exsist! when I tell people that I've never had a serious relationship they are shocked but I guess its because I'm picky and feel that all guys just want me for sex...there are many other girls too but many won't openly admit it until you get to kn ow them very personally...and whose to say that your firends' female friends have all put them in the friends zone? sometimes the girl dosen't wanna be obvious that she likes the guy so she trwats him like a good friend and tells him everything in hopes of gaining is trust and telling him herself one day---that was the strategy I took with the only guy I actually liked and dated...

help me please? and feel free to ask any questions:)

[larry69]

Good answer...I am 41 and still single....I have trust issues too!!

[prettypeach20]

Answer mine please?

[Asker]

I appreciate your insight. Not all guys just want you for sex (I want a connection but am afraid of betrayal). What you say about women keeping options open is what I fear, I don't want to love a woman that is using me as an option and I know what you say about the "option" is true because like I said I have been the "friend" of many women since I'm the nice guy type that ends up in women's friend zones. Most women aren't like you with the friend zone, it usually means rejection.

[thelovecoach]

Hello Nice Guy. BTW - nice guys are my FAV. In all my years of love coaching - one thing stands out clearly- 'Clients' see what they believe is true and act into it. You are the source and the solution to your own problem: in other wards you are attracted to and ATTRACT cheating women. Many women are loyal, loving and sweet and I guarantee you either overlook these women because they will intimidate you - or they overlook you because your fear of rejection, low self-esteem and lack of boundaries are clear to them. Please know that you are 100% responsible for what you CHOOSE and how you SHOW up into an relationship. Focus on building your self-esteem, confidence and raise your standards of who you'll date and the kind of man you want to be. By NOT choosing these toxic, cheating women and by being a purposeful and confident man you can attract a healthy relationship. love, maryjane, thelovecoach .com

[poet-at-heart]

the first thing you need to realize is that not all women are the same. yes, I'll admit it there are going to be women who throw themselves at every male that comes her way, but to distrust all women because of them, is downright stupid. it's like throwing away an Oreo cookie just because it's chipped.

it will take you some time to regain your trust but it's not impossible. you just need to learn to distinguish the slutty girls from the nice girls. go for the nice girls.

in any relationship there's going to be the risk of getting hurt. entering any relationship you're going to have that risk. don't end a relationship just because you're afraid of getting hurt.

[Asker]

The time part is my problem. It takes me so long to trust a woman that I won't make the first move to initiate a relationship and if she does I'll get all flaky because I'm not sure if I know her well enough yet and then they think I'm not interested and it pretty much ends there.

[poet-at-heart]

Have you tried being completely honest with the woman you like? tell her that you want to get to know them first.

[Asker]

I haven't been honest because in both of my recent experiences with women I knew them for a few months so I was afraid to say I still didn't trust them. One I knew was waiting for me to ask her to be exclusive (her friend told me) but I didn't and then she thought I didn't like her. With the last woman everything was going well but I got cold feet and started avoiding/ignoring her when I felt she was about to ask me to commit to a serious relationship.

[Asker]

I know I'm f***ed up so I'm not expecting you to be able to solve all my problems through these comments. You have already given me some tips that I know are true and I should follow. Thanks : )

[Greeneyes4242]

Okay, you've been put in some pretty weird situations. Some women cheat. That's just the way they are but the majority of us DON'T. You have reasons to be mistrustful of women, however assuming all women are that way is biast. Confide more in women and don't self destruct relationships (wow!) because with that comes mistrust for men. And with mistrust comes cheating. It's just a long, self destructive cycle.

[larry69]

Women all hate me...I have never been successful!