How can I start trusting women?

Question

I grew up with an abusive mother. The physical abuse stopped when I got older, but the emotional abuse didn't. I don't have any contact with her anymore, but because I didn't have any sisters, she's been the only woman I've really had in my life growing up. Of course, I logically know that the absolute majority of women are not like that, just like men, but I don't know that emotionally. I have a very hard time connecting with women, whether it be a potential romance, friendship, coworker or classmate. I can interact with them fine, but I don't feel able to develop any deeper connections with them.
I don't want to offend anyone, which is why I'm asking this anonymously, and like I said, I LOGICALLY know that I shouldn't have a distrust for women as a whole just because of one bad example.

mindNsoul · Accepted Answer

I'm so sorry for your trauma young man. The thing is you can't let the past run your present and doom your future. Regardless of what was it. You deserve love. I mean to truly be loved and cherished by someone. But first I want you to realize that it's not about trusting women but rather trusting yourself. That you will chose right, take a decision to leave if she's bad, and that you can survive anything life throws at you.

I don't know your whole story. But I can see that you're well articulated and that you've got a good head over your shoulders. That you are not extreme about your fear and you took necessary steps to make sure your mother doesn't continue her abuse.

So listen dear. I personally experienced a lot of trauma as a child and a young woman. But that doesn't define me or the woman I became today. Trusting men for me is a conscious decision and risk that I continue to chose willingly to take. Because what is life without taking risks? You can't live in hiding and miss on life's wonders and beauty. I know that there is so much joy to live in fear, suspicion, or avoidance.

If you were my young brother I'd tell you that other people's failures in love and with woman is not a death sentence over your future. You have to go out there and make your own story and take your own path. They got their chance so why shouldn't you? I'd tell you to surround yourself with good friends to guide you through and support you when you fall. And I would ask you to have a balanced approach to life. An approach that ensures that your mind, heart and value systems are aligned when making a decision about a girl. Don't compromise to the extent that people use you or that they can't stand you. Seek balance.

Darling love is not pain. And love doesn't mean that you can save broken and damaged people. You owe it to protect yourself and to be at peace. Love is joy, encouragement, freedom, compromise, and peace. And finally love is not perfection. She doesn't have to be perfect she only has to feel like a safe home to come to.

I wish there is a formula to give you but there isn't. But you need to know what are your values so you don't get involved with the wrong women. Those who would cheat, abuse or have addiction issues. And maybe you'd make few mistakes along the way. That's fine. So as the rest of us. We all have failed in a relationship or more. I know I have. Therefore remember that no matter how painful it gets. I just want you to always remember my first advice. You only have to trust yourself. Your judgment to choose the right woman, your ability to leave when needed, and your ability to survive.

You'll be okay. As long as you know that if you want to surf waves you have first to go into the water. And if you are afraid of water than you need to start learning how to swim. Same with women. Learn and grow as a person. Make sure your emotions are mature. Social skills and emotional intelligence are very important. And even if it meant that you get some coaching or mentoring or psychological help. But you need to have the skills necessary to survive so you minimize your chances of drowning and maximize your enjoyment of surfing. But all this take time. So be patient and accept failure. Accept it, learn from it, and move on. Experience comes with failure. But you can't win if you don't buy the lottery ticket first.

I'm sorry if this was long. Have patience and don't be harsh on yourself. You'll be okay. And if lucky you'll be happy and in love🌹

Alyssa11 · Accepted Answer

First of all, it's not your fault so no offence taken.

You said you know that some women must be trustworthy, I'd say focus on this thought and be open to discovering that trait in women you meet/date. If they let you down, separate it from your cycle - because truly some people are just not trustworthy and it's a completely personal issue. When you meet the right one, the feeling will go but you have to allow yourself to meet the right one.

PS I promise there's good women out there. I am one :)

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

"Never trust a woman or an automatic weapon"
-John Dillinger.

"Be very careful who you trust, the devil was once an angel"
-Unknown.

I too grew up with an ardent feminist mother who was very abusive and had no business raising two sons.

I will never, ever, fully trust a woman. I have been proven correct in my suspicions too many times to ever give a female full measure of trust. I think female trustworthiness had declined significantly in the past few decades as women have so many options of thirsty men just a keystroke away. Marriage is the ultimate Simp surrender and is only a license for a women to absolutely destroy you with the full blessing and support of the government.

In almost every state a woman can have consensual sex with you even though both of you have been drinking. The next morning, post coitus, she can retroactively withdrawal consent and claim sexual assault. This is not to say every women will do this but every woman can do this and you are at her mercy. The consequences of a man falling victim to this can mean decades in prison.

Even a married woman can claim she was "raped" by her husband and in the process gain every financial, legal, and physical advantage in divorce proceedings. In fact this is a common tactic divorce attorneys tell their female clients. Make a false accusation of sexual or physical assault against the husband. What happens? The courts automatically grant the wife emergency custody of the kids and full use of the family home. The man is ejected by force from his home and legally kept from seeing his children. If the man is arrested and charged (even if the charges are later found to be false or unfounded) the man has to fight on two legal fronts (civil and criminal) with huge expense and fantastic stress.

It is hard to imagine the sweet, sexy, woman standing in front of you ever doing all of the above to you, but she can, and odds are she will. The woman you marry is the same wretched beast who will burn you to the ground, steal your children, steal your home, steal your retirement, steal your livelihood, and perform a perfect example of scorched earth.

Gentleman, don't say I did not warn you.

Unit1 · Accepted Answer

You made the right choice this time. You are addressing an issue with good intentions and long term purposes.

There are some amazing women out there, who are single, taken, married etc...
If you expose yourself to them and simply speak with them openly about pretty much anything (some of them are honest and open books and will give you a perspective from their POV). You will see, that women are not evil.
The challenge is finding those women. You'll get on average a ratio of 1 in 10 women, who you can talk freely and openly to "heart-to-heart" (on a platonic or friendship level).
This method is called exposure. Simply like dogs - just because 1 or 2 bite you doesn't mean all of them will.

Keep focusing on the good women and forget about the bad women and gold diggers.
Keep in touch with the good women and send the bad women and gold diggers towards Daniel Hernandez (Tekashi69).

Class attracts class. Make sure you get into and stay in the class you want to be in.

When in doubt, read stories about heroic women, women, who didn't leave their man for someone driving a Ferrari, women, who didn't betray for a "money man" and women, who "carried" their man at certain times. Keep an eye out for those.

GiventoFly01 · Answer

My mother ruined my sister and I when we were around 13.
Her car was something that she should have known could potentially cause problems for kids over time.
All we knew was that for the 20 minutes it took her to get it started, it shook us violently. It stalled almost every time she stopped. It stalled over and over in traffic and sometimes wouldn't start again for a while. Then when it was in park, it shook like crazy and progressively got worse until she either saved it or it would stall. Sometimes she would let it almost stall then save it for no reason. Then the worst part was that she wouldn't ever just turn the car off. She would let it stall out pretty much all the time.
So after 13 years of that happening to you and your sister together, it seems normal.
Well imagine our surprise one day when my sister asked if she could keep it running for a while before we got out, and when our mom asked why, her answer was so we could shake some more, that she went off the deep end and treated us like mental cases for having liked it. She was viciously mean and just destroyed us.
We were a mess until we were in our 20s.
Still obviously bothers me. It wasn't our fault she would let it shake us in it alone like that for so long.

Sweetheart666 · Answer

See I’m in the same boat with my feelings towards men as I was horribly abused by men. However, compared to the feedback you have received and the feedback I have received, I was judged much more harshly when I brought it up. I was even blamed. So in short, I guess most people on here feel only men can be traumatized and that only their feelings should be validated. Statistically speaking though two to three times as many women have been abused as compared to men. Despite that though, I think each gender suffers immensely from abuse. To say otherwise is to make someone else’s suffering invalid. I hope you feel better and can heal. You deserve it.

evangeline777 · Answer

I agree with the exposure and the therapy too.
You could join meet ups for example where there are more women, just to be in a female environment, talk to them without wanting to date them, to make female friends.
Maybe join your coworkers sometime
Also, growing up with an abusive parent is seriously damaging, you should consider seeing a therapist too.
And this is going to be hard, but you will have to give a little trust beforehand.

jmac23 · Answer

Technically bro only you can answer that. I feel like the real question you need to ask is what does a woman have to do to earn your trust. If you don't know how she can do that then there's no hope for anyone.

whatdoyouwantt · Answer

By engaging with them but don’t go for pretty ones just yet cause those tend to be a lot more meaner and you might lose even more trust. I’m nice you can talk to me

Don-_-Don · Answer

As I'm reading this I'm thinking that this problem of yourself can't really be completely fixed. I think this is something that have been ingrained into your mind due to your upbringing.
Even if you manage trusting women, I'm pretty sure all it would take is one lie, or one act of distrust for you to go wayyy back off the deep end into not being able to trust women.

Although I still wish you best of luck.

Anonymous · Answer

If it is something you are really struggling with, it might be good to speak to a therapist. If nothing else, it will give you a space to talk through your trauma in a safe and confidential place. It may help.

cth96190 · Answer

I think that it is not possible to trust women.
I started out trusting women. The conduct of women caused my view to change.
When I hear the term 'good women' I respond by saying that I have not met any.

FrontierMan · Answer

I don't think trust is a binary thing, especially in reference to large and broad demographic groups.

Hispanic-Cool-Guy · Answer

Childhood trauma is going to need some therapy from a trained professional to help you heal.

Anonymous · Answer

You can love and connect with women without trusting them. That's what I do.

Anonymous · Answer

News flash dude... they are all fucking psycho. Just pump n dump.

Celtero · Answer

Eh, don't.

Anonymous · Answer

Exposure therapy ;P

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