My ex called... What are his motives? Should I tell my boyfriend?

[Shuri]

First, no, I didn’t know it was my ex as it was a new number.

But we talked for a bit... he knows I have a boyfriend now. He asked and I told him but he seems to be discouraging me from pursuing it? Like he thought I was with my boyfriend because of the sex but I said I love him and his personality and how we click and treat each other. Then he warned me about moving in with him because we’ve been together for 5 weeks and he said I don’t know him well enough. He also told me to not think about marriage? I didn’t even bring that up and my boyfriend and I don’t even want to be engaged until a year in because we don’t want to rush it.

But he keeps asking about my boyfriend. And I don’t know if I should tell my boyfriend he called. What’s this guys motive? He keeps saying it’s none of his business but wants to provide unsolicited advice. Should I tell my boyfriend he called? I don’t want to keep secrets because I wouldn’t like if he hid that from me.

Updates

+1 y

Told my boyfriend. He didn’t really care but was glad I told him. He also said he wasn’t bothered by the conversation at all but I told the guy I wasn’t going to speak with him anyway. But some of you all seem more bothered than my boyfriend 😂

[yoshi_wanna_ask]

He's trying to win you back. I guess in his mind if you're not moved in with him, he has more chances to come over to your place and be alone with you without getting caught and if you're not living with him he can convince you you're "having doubts" because you "still love him". I guess he also thinks if you're not married you're still fair game and is trying to work out how he can make you comfortable enough to cheat on or break up with your current boyfriend so you can be together again. I don't think you should hide it from your boyfriend but maybe have a think about how to be tactful. Because no doubt he'll instantly see it for what it is and forbid you to have contact with him.

I mean, think about if it was his ex. A girl knows when another girl is causing trouble and up to no good, guys know the same thing about other guys. Personally I don't think you should have contact with him either, especially since he's your ex and you've happily moved on but it's your life. While he does have a point about maybe not moving in together so quickly (5 is better but 2 months at least) the more contact you have the worse of a position that puts you in. Both with guilt & vulnerability. Best advice? If you're going to have contact don't message after 9pm, don't get into "remember that time" conversations and mention that you trust your boyfriend to look at your text messages and he knows about him or something like that.

You cut contact with him for a reason, don't think you have an obligation to work your life around him now.

[btbc92]

The moment you knew it was him, you should have hung up. Stop giving people information. However, I do have to say that his concerns is obviously warranted and is concerned your making a mistake. To listen or not listen to him is up to you. But if you want to make future mistakes, at least you can't blame your ex because he told you so. But if you feel its important to tell him, then do. But don't say anything if your not prepared for what he will say.

[QueenTanya]

Tell your boyfriend immediately. Your ex is jealous or he has disgusting motives. Be loyal to your boyfriend and ignore your ex. He's tryna mess things up with you two.

[jgokgotit]

Trying to guess the motives of an ex is like trying to guess how many drops of rain will hit Florida in the next hurricane. However, my best guess is that this ex might still care for you and simply wishes you to not get hurt by a new guy. The issue comes when the ex does not respect your space or your requests. If he has not crossed that line then his actions are pretty harmless. However, NEVER keep a secret like that from someone you truly love.

[Shuri]

I actually haven’t spoken to him in like 4 years, and he dumped me because he said, and I quote, “You don’t have the Holy Spirit.”

While I’d like to believe your analysis... I doubt those were his intentions.

[ShadezMcgee]

He probably wants to get back together with you if he keeps bringing him up and putting those thoughts in your head. Although he is right about not heading into marriage or moving in with him just yet.

You are currently in the honeymoon phase and it takes about 90 days for a person's true colors to show. Play it fun and easy and see how things are holding up after three months.

[markscott]

First, he is right. Five weeks is too soon to move in with someone, unless you are desperate for a place to live. Second, you don't have to talk to your ex. You gave him a lot of information, which gives him a big wedge into your current life. You could just tell your ex, thank him for the interest, but you have someone else now, and it's not best for your relationship that you keep in contact, as you boyfriend will not understand. What you can tell your boyfriend, is that your ex called, and after a little talk, you told him that you needed to end contact with him, and that is how it will be. That keeps you from repercussions if somehow your boyfriend finds out your ex contacted you.

[Shuri]

5 weeks isn’t too soon. I know plenty of people who moved in around that time and have been happily together for years. It depends on the couple. There’s no set rule for that.

[markscott]

Shuri: You certainly are welcome to your own time line. From what I have seen in life, give weeks is not enogh. But each to their own.

[harvest]

Don't want to be rude here, but he probably is in a dry spell and is looking for some easy pussy to score.
Don't throw away your future with your current boyfriend because of your EX. You will regret it.
Tell your boyfriend about this conversation. If he finds out about it on his own (your EX could tell him that to sabotage you for example) he will be pissed! :/

[HopelessRomantic2119]

It’s always best to be honest when an ex or former lover contacts you, otherwise if and when it comes out you look like you were hiding it.

If your current boyfriend is a mature, confident guy, it won’t bother him much if at all. I still would suggest not talking to the ex anymore though.

Sounds like your ex is bitter and trying to sabotage your new relationship. Most people would say 5 weeks is a bit soon to be moving in together, but people have done crazier things.

[Gods_Gift]

Sounds like this has been resolved but your ex clearly wanted into your pants. You need to be more aware of ulterior motives under the guise of "friendly advice". You were right to tell your boyf, and incidentally don't be fooled by his show of nonchalance. He may be cool to you but if he thought your ex stood a chance of winning you back (or more likely cheating with you) he'd start caring alright.

[TrustOfWorthington]

Are you dumb? Can't you see how he is trying to manipulate you to leave his contrary, your currend guy, and go back to him, your ex?
Fuck it. Just block the number, talk to your boyfriend about it and forget all the shit your ex told you. He is making stuff up.

[rkon4117]

His motives and yours are your own! However absolutely, you have to tell your partner as long as their isn’t anything to hide. You have to show him respect as you’d expect the same in return.

[J2ohhhhh]

If you know you don't wanna be engaged for a year, and you don't wanna rush it, you were certainly thinking about marriage.

[Shuri]

You know that’s not what I meant but thanks for not answering the question ✌🏽

[Vick2727]

Yes you should tell your boyfriend. Two block his damn number. What the heck is wrong with you? Stop talking your ex.

[R4vedave]

Your boyfriend should know. Block his number. These conversations are wholly inappropriate.

[MoscowMitch]

Aww, he wants you back. Whether or not you tell your boyfriend is more of a judgement call. It doesn't sound like you two are super-serious yet, not sure if he needs to know. No need to keep it a secret either.

[loveslongnails]

Uh... the only bothersome thing about this post is that you're 29 years old and had to ask the question in the first place. LOL

[Ray_Lala]

Imagine your boyfriend's reaction if he found out from someone else..

[tootoot]

What it came down to was *whose side are you going to pick* and at the end of the day, you sided wirh your current boyfriend, by telling him about it. Goodjob

[bklynbadboy1]

Your ex is a hater he's just mad your not with him I wouldn't even talk to his negative ass anymore

[smartrider]

Don't overanalyze it. Act as if you are your boyfriend.

[Iron_Man]

Hear the X out and find out what he wants

[BeHappy1985]

Sex.