Am I an idiot for forgiving my partner who cheated?

[Anonymous]

No

Yes

[Barry88]

I don't know any detail, but in general, I would say "No". Of course, I'm not saying cheating is good. It isn't. But there is usually some other problem that needs to be fixed. Some problem that led to the cheating. Most likely your partner is still in love with you, but he/she might be going through a hard time for whatever reason. Talk about it. Try to understand why your partner cheated and what can be done so it won't happen again, and how you can fix the breach of trust between the two of you. If you're both mature persons and both still love each other, it doesn't need to be the end of the relationship. But you need to talk, talk, talk and work on getting things in the right direction again. And it will take time to regain trust. You should both give yourself and your partner the time to overcome this.

[ValentinVV]

If can forgive him you already found the answer in your heart. If your heart is telling you to go for it. Maybe you should give him a chance. But if you have doubts you should think about it again.

Listen to your heart not to some people telling you stuff on the internet...

[lumos]

Maybe I'm just too black and white but I just wouldn't be able to continue being with a cheater. I don't understand the mindset of forgive and forget when it comes to cheating. Literally the whole point of being in a monogamous relationship is focusing on just that one person and not fooling around with others, whether that's physically or emotionally. If a guy can't even do that, then it's clear to me that he's not the one.

Not cheating is such a simple thing. To get to the point of actually cheating, there are so many moments where you can pull away and just be like "nah I shouldn't do this" - but cheaters choose to do it anyway. And that, I simply will never be able to wrap my mind around. It doesn't matter if they claim it was just a "one time thing" or if it happened over the span of a few months, cheating is cheating and it's not a mistake, it's a choice. A mistake is when you accidentally drop a plate on the floor because you misjudged how close you were to the table. You don't accidentally lose your pants and stumble dick-first into someone else's vagina. They broke my trust and I have no interest being in a relationship where I'm constantly feeling insecure and feeling like he could cheat on me again at any moment.

So yes, if you do stay in a relationship with a cheater, I have to admit I do find you to be a bit of an idiot. However, nothing is stopping you from leaving. And if you choose to stay, then you have to live with that choice. Plus, you have to play fair. If you've truly forgiven him, you can't use him cheating as ammo in a future argument. So think long and hard about the consequences of staying. Nor can you really feel sorry for yourself if he ever cheats again. Fool me once and all that.

[Gavyn]

This is a well-thought-out reply, especially the part about not being able to use cheating as ammo in an argument. For a person without a dick, that would be a huge dick move lol

[lumos]

@Gavyn right. You can't claim to be over it by saying you've forgiven them, and then 5 months later be all like "OH YEAH well what about the time you fucked so and so?" like sorry, doesn't work that way. Can't have your cake and eat it too.

[sejla]

Personally I don't think I could do it but if your partner is remorseful, truly sorry and makes a real effort to work on himself then it isn't a wrong decision for you. It really depends on how far that person will work to heal the hurt that was done and do the work so that this doesn't become a reoccurring issue. I think there is a small percentage of people who can make it work but it all depends on the person who cheated. If he is a long term partner if I were you I'd ask him to go to therapy to prove that he really wants to make it work.

[Apope16]

NO. It depends on the relationship and why and the people involved.

[Dongtai]

Forgiving someone doesn’t make you an idiot. It’s a sign of maturity.

However, giving someone the opportunity to hurt you twice isn’t wise in my opinion.

Cheating is a choice. Unless they were raped, they made a decision they knew would hurt the person they “chose” to commit to. They knew the outcome and still went through with it. Sorry wouldn’t be enough to fix that for me.

Cheating is taken lightly in our society but it’s probably one of the most disrespectful and hurtful things you can do to someone who you said you loved. It’s deeper than just sex. It’s the fact that they willingly did one of the few things that could hurt you the most, when you’re supposed to be their number one.

I would forgive a cheater and then I would let them go. Maybe they’d grow from it and learn that love isn’t to be taken for granted so if they’re lucky enough to find something rare again, they wouldn’t break it. They’d lose me. But it would be up to themselves to find someone else and give themselves a second chance.

People learn through consequences. If you take a cheater back, rarely do they take it as serious as they should. All they feel is “phew. I got away with it. Either I won’t do it again or I won’t get caught next time.” But actually having to deal with their own consequences is how they’ll understand the pain of cheating and why they won’t want to do it again.

[opnbuk59]

I will forgive most anything once but cheating even if your in a committed relationship or married no and I don't want to use the old saying they did it before will do it again but it shows a lack of respect for you and lack of self control on their part and in my opinion any man who fools around with another man's girl wife is the lowest and not worthy to be called a man, no self rspecting man would do that and same for any woman who fools around with a married or committed man, besides can you really honestly have the same level of trust again, you will find yourself questioning her every time she's out gone from your presence why is she this where is she at, that sooner will drive both of you crazy no morals ethics decency about them selves, but it's sad that cheating is like the normal thing to do these days couple have an argument one storms out go to a club gets drunk and cheates i don't know why you even bother to get involved if that's what's on your mind waste of time being in a relationship just to fool around on your partner or spouse what ever happen to just talking through your problems instead of running to someone else, and you wonder why kids are screwed up and the country is in moral decay, yeah your wrong for taking her back will happen again trust is gone can't live together without trust second guessing I couldn't live that way anyway wondering where she is why is she 5 minutes late that's torture I can live without, and her

[Unicorn213]

When it comes to giving a straying offender a second (or third or fourth) pardon, where does one draw the line?

The biggest problem with cheating on a spouse or significant other is not necessarily the sexual liaison itself, but rather the betrayal of trust it causes. This painful rupture of trust in many cases proves too much to get past. But in others, the partners, when willing and motivated, can sometimes work through this trauma together and salvage their marriage. More often than not, this salvation requires the expertise of a psychotherapist or marital counselor. Seeing a marital therapist or psychologist conjointly is certainly no guarantee of successfully saving the relationship. But, when properly approached, this therapeutic process can help heal the wounds, defuse the anger, foster better communication, and repair the breach of trust the offending partner's behavior has caused. Of course, much of this depends on how committed to rescuing the relationship both parties really still are, how much history they have together, whether children are involved, and other variables.

[Finchie40]

Yes , if your partner loved you they wouldn’t of cheated on you , the cheater can apologize and say they are sorry that it was a mistake and they never will do it again and the thing is , it’s a bunch of bullshit. Cuz they will do it again, as for the non cheater if they choose to take the cheater back they will never feel true love , considering they will never forget what their cheating partner did to them , you will never look at them the same and your trust for them will disappear , as for the cheater they begin to feel that their partner is now going to cheat on them for revenge so they end up cheating again , it’s a vicious cycle , best thing to do is move on and focus on your self worth and realize you deserve someone that will love and cherish you not someone that looks at you like a convenience. By letting that cheater go and moving on with your life in a way you are helping them see what they did was wrong and hopefully they learn to never do that again to someone , just because we gave our heart to someone doesn’t mean we can’t still love them after we let them go , we have to love ourselves and realize there is someone else out there that will love us the same way we love. My ex cheated on me and I went through the same thing I almost took her back and forgave her but I realized I could never love her the same so I let her go , even though she begs for me back I realized I deserve better , deserve someone that will love me like I love them

[Anonymous]

No. People have this strong tendency to assume that cheating = no morals and/or horrible person etc but in reality it's a lot more complex than that. Good people make mistakes all the time, mistakes that they regret and they'd do anything to undo them. As a guy who has cheated, I can say that I never loved my girlfriend any less. I loved her more than anything in the world and my motives for cheating were strictly sexual. I felt remorse for it and it haunts me to this day that I put her through that. However after she found out she agreed to give me another chance. I gave her all of my passwords, full access to all of my electronics, I even downloaded an app on both of our phones so she could know where I was at all times, anonymously if she ever had any doubts. Unfortunately just the simple fact that I did it was something she couldn't forgive. That and pressure from her friends/family to dump me and the fear of looking like a pushover if she didn't. In short no you're not an idiot for giving him another chance if you actually trust him and it's clear that he learned his lesson and will never do it again.

[Justacatlady]

Forgiveness is one thing. If you forgave him and are still in a relationship then you have a tough journey ahead. Dealing with the fallout of broken trust is not easy nor is it quick. Unless you and your partner get to the reason he cheated and can figure how to prevent that in the future this could happen again. My best advise would to be: take inventory of your relationship. What really matters to you and whether your needs are being met currently. Also think about your life goals and whether your current partner will be good to be there for you as you reach those goals.

Best of luck

[akihon]

Truthfully only you know the answer to this, at best we can only give a view and mostly that's going to come from our own lived experience.

So then are you an idiot, maybe, if you've forgiven your so for it and they cheat again then yes, but if you value that person enough such that what you feel for them is enough to forgive them and move on from it and, I must add, they are truly contrite about what they've done and every day resolve to not put themselves into that situation again. They take ownership of what they've done and don't try to shift the blame onto you for it and actually never does it again. Then maybe no

[ArrRenn]

Willingness to forgive (or its opposite) is not a measure of intelligence, but a measure of humanity. A person who is unwilling to forgive is setting a bar for themselves that they may not be able to live up to – and none of us can see what the future will bring. THAT HAVING BEEN SAID – if this is something that you do not find acceptable, it is definitely a matter to be discussed openly between you both. And if you had already reached an agreement on the subject and your partner broke that agreement... well, THAT is a sound reason for ending the partnership.

Forgiveness, however, is not something that should ever be looked at as a flaw or weakness.

[stephanietoastie]

I wouldn't think that idiot is the word but rather strong! I don't think you should get an opinion based on your desicions because it's you who decides what's right. It's okay to forgive and forget and it's also okay to not forgive because there is no right answer. I'm glad that you forgave your partner for cheating, even though that was such an inconsiderate thing to do, I know that you are a good person. So don't let this eat you up inside and move on from this. It will take quite a while to move on, but I know that you are strong! :)

[Walt832]

You want my straight answer, "yes". You want a harmfully answer, "you totally are".

Come on you gave your trust. He or she broke it. Since when you pick up your sandles that are left in the backyard?

Males or females should validate themselves.

I am a guy just gives one chance on relationship. I do give seconds chances as in flipping your life for better. Remember we all had our lack of knowledge but a simple trust is the main one you learn.

Specially if is a relationship that has been for years. Hell no.

[tiajoka]

Everyone has different struggles. The question is if he's willing to work on himself and his issues to be suitable for the relationship. Like alcoholism, not everyone can stay with their partner to help them work through it; but some do. But nobody is going to stay with an alcoholic who doesn't want to get better. If he isn't putting in the effort to fix things, point it out and tell him what he needs to do. He'll do it if he's serious about you; and if you're worth it. And if he's worth it, you'll have the patience you need to work through this pain.
I've been there and I'm still struggling with the pain occasionally... but it does get better if he gets better. But you should see a psychiatrist as well. There's different methods that can help. Being cheated on can be like a traumatic event at times, and leaving it untreated can damage you psychologically.

[GraveDoll]

yep.

forgiving and letting bygones be bygones is one thing

but i would never get back with someone who cheated. i will never be able to view them the same. The fact they did that and can do it again. would always be on my mind and the fact the let go of me for just asec to do the deed is just enough to make me sick

[BCA6010]

In my opinion, cheaters can't ever be trusted again, and that's based mainly on personal experience. If you think you've made the right decision, then I wouldn't question it unless you have a good reason to do so, or else this alone is going to destroy your relationship.

[wekikz1990]

you are a kind person... that's why you forgived him... but hey... don't give him a second chance... when someone cheats on you there is a 75% of chance that he eventually will do it again... but i understand you, you love him, that's why you forgive him, but giving him a 2nd chance is very risky so...
but you need to think it some more if you got this in mind:
"i want to give him a 2 chance because i love him".. (´ . .̫ . `)

[Alpha09]

Depends. I mean there would have to be a really good reason for me to forgive let alone stay with a cheating partner. Relationships can work after someone fucks up, but it's rare. You have to be incredibly secure and you have to trust your partner again. But they disrespected you willingly so personally I'd let them go. If you stay and they cheat again then you start to look extra stupid.

[Miristheiss]

Yes.
First I do not like the term forgive when it is used to define whether to stay or go.
Yes, you should leave them.
Enjoy a life of stress, wondering where he is, if he is lying, checking his phone and dealing with the mental image of him screwing another woman.
You rejected the peace of dumping him and finding a faithful mate.

[Imcmullan]

I agree with u 1000% ... she needs to prepare to live a paranoid life that will result in her feeling insecure , anxious, and unable to trust others after this. People who cheat are cheaters... n its part of their mental makeup.. everytime he isn't in her presence she will worry what he's doing, n when he is in her presence, she will wonder who he is talking to when he picks up his phone... even if he is faithful she will think he is being the opposite n that alone will most like ruin the relationship... I've been here before... it isn't worth it. Peace of mind is paramount in life... forgiving someone does not mean you have to stay with them after THEY decided to do things to make u not trust them.

[Miristheiss]

@Imcmullan
Yes she will never be content and at peace.
She will be on edge playing detective and always checking up on him and always have mental flashbacks... mental torture.
That relationship is forever poisoned... yet she wants to hang on to it.

[Imcmullan]

She's young... she has to go through that lesson in order to learn that it isn't for her.. I just hope she learns and not perpetuate the same behavior... some people except their cheating mate back bc they have fears of being alone or self esteem issues... which is a whole other issue

[Nik1hil]

It depends...
Was it a one time heat of the moment..
Or he constantly kept cheating...
Was it just sex.. Or he did other things with her..
Does he loves you still is begging to be with you...
Can you move past it and be with him happily..