What does it mean when a guy says to you he wants no expectations in the relationship?

[Anonymous]

What does it mean when a guy says to you he wants no expectations in the relationship? That expectations can lead to resentments, and he doesn't want me, his girl, lady to expect anything of him? Have been dating over 8 plus months.

Is this another way for a man to say he doesn't want or isn't seeking a commitment...kind of like "have your cake, and eat it too". We have basically been seeing each other exclusively for over 6 months.

[Quadrophonic84]

What was the context of his comment, what were you guys talking about just before that?

[Asker]

He was talking about he felt that he wanted to give me a lot in the relationship, but couldn't always at this time,he is in a new job & feeling the pressures. He realized it was natural for me to want more of him, especially as we were becoming more serious ~ he said the L word to me, he was the one to say that first~2 wks prior. Then he said how having to many expectations in a relationship can lead to resentments and take the relationship south, we were also talking about past experiences.

[Quadrophonic84]

He was talking literally about his availability. He's telling you he has a lot on his plate and although he loves you, he thinks you should be careful saddling him with expectations of a lot of time and effort beyond what he gives you already or he makes it clear he can do more at some point. If you two are already exclusive then I don't think it has anything to do with that, especially if he said he loves you.

[Asker]

Yes, we've been exclusive, accept for the first 2 months. When we started talking about all this he said what a special woman I was to him. But at the same time he said the relationship was changing for him~he was trying to explain it to me that this was a positive thing~that he didn't want the expectations thing to take us down, as he has had that happen in past relationships. He feels special about me, etc. At the same time, in conversing we were almost in a spat, so there you have it. ?

[Quadrophonic84]

It just sounds like he's saying not to expect that you two would "merge" your lives right away, you know how serious couples get before they get married, they move in together and practically are involved in every aspect of each others' lives. He's saying he couldn't handle that right now but that indeed he loves you and that you're special to him. I think he just means he wants to take things slowly as they happen. This is all just my speculation though.

[Asker]

Yes, makes sense. He said he doesn't want to let me down, in not being able to be there for me in small ways that I need now, like some of the day to day basic life stuff, he can't do that at this time, because schedule in the new job of 3 months. He said it's a guy thing that's just how men are is what he said. It hurts him as he said he wants to be present right now but can't. We haven't talked all week, gave it an unspoken break, told him I felt somewhat hurt, but was w/him, giving space

[Quadrophonic84]

It's probably better this way rather than constantly breaking promises and putting you on the back burner. He sounds like an honest guy.

[Asker]

Yes he is. He's been there for me big time in the past, on a major life issue when I had a death in my family he was there for me as much as he could be with his work schedule etc. He's now in a new work situation, so a lot of pressure for him to perform as a newcomer on the job. More than anything, right now I miss him. He's been busy the past 2 wks, we've hardly had anytime together, we talked 4 days ago, I just gave it a break, didn't push it, want to respect where he's coming from. Thk u

[stercor]

He still wants to play around.

[Asker]

so, what would you do...move on?

[Aries11w]

^^ this

[stercor]

Well, expectations DO lead to resentments...or so says AA. But I think that's a different ball of water...

Your choice.

There's a trust issue here, too. You trust; you have expectations. Such as neither one of you is going away.

Catherine and I had a good marriage, but that "piece of paper" kept us in the marriage when the going got rough.

He "wants it all." He can't have it all. When he realizes this, then there might be a future for you.

I believe you get my drift.

[Godfatherman]

He is overreacting and sounds like he is scared of commitment.

[Aries11w]

My ex said the same thing. It basically meant that he wanted to continue to sleep/be together but didn't like the fact that as boyfriend/girlfriend he is expected to be relied on and committed to me! I.e. He wanted a more fb with no responsibility in relationship. This turned into space and then breaking up. You've been with him 8 months? He doesn't deserve you.

[stercor]

@Aries11w: You're exactly right! he doesn't deserve her.