My (37M) wife (37F) has decided she's going to transition to be male and is trying to convince me to stay?

[Anonymous]

We've been together 12 years, married 3 and a half. Last year during lock-down, she told me she thinks she should have been born male and thinks she's trans. I mean obviously I'm gutted but as she wasn't sure, we were going to work on it, do therapy/counselling etc. It's been a bit hit and miss.

It's gone down hill a bit - because she's a lot more masculine in how she dresses and presents, I'm not really that attracted to her anymore. In fact, we haven't had sex in ages.

Since Elliot Page came out, she's gone into overdrive. But at the start of the week we were really down and depressed together and she admitted she realizes she definitely is a man and wants to identify as a male. To the extent she wants to start hormones and have surgery one day.

I'm straight. I like women, and the thought of having sex with men repulses me. So I said I think I may have to bail. But she's trying to convince me to work on it, carry on with therapy and counseling. Nothing is ever a good enough excuse. I say I'm not gay - her attitude is "don't love the gender, love the person." I say sex is important and don't want to have sex with a man? She says we can have a platonic relationship and have boyfriend and girlfriends and still be together. She's trying to get me to make an urgent meeting with my therapist to talk it out. What's to talk out? I'm not gay.

Not gonna lie, I feel so awful and betrayed. I've been trying to support her, yet feel like I have nothing for myself. And as much as I ain't gay, I do love her. I know technically she's going to be a he soon, but to me she's my wife and life partner. I feel guilty.

Do I just go "nah bro, divorce please?" Or do I go to therapy or work on it?

Tldr: wife is transitioning to male and is trying to convince me to give it a go with therapy. I'm not gay and don't know what she wants? Am i transphobic for wanting to divorce?

[hellionthesagereborn]

Its not transphobic to want a divorce, your not gay, your not sexually attracted to or romantically attracted to men so this isn't your fault and she is trying to guilt you into staying when you don't want to. If this was transphobic that would mean every gay man is a misogynist for not wanting to have sex with a woman.

Your not the one who needs therapy here (except with dealing with the trauma of this), you haven't done anything wrong so you shouldn't feel guilty for contining to be you. She is the one who is deciding she is the opposite of what she is and to be fair, maybe she is (seems a bit odd that their was no red flags before this point but it is what it is), but that doesn't mean you have to just accept it.

I doubt a therapist will help in this because either they agree with you which would be the rational thing to do, or they try and side with her and suggest that your a bad person for her deciding to be something completely different then what she has presented herself as for all of these years. So I would say divorce is the only option.

[God_of_Thunder]

I had this long response all typed out before I deleted in in favor of something much more concise. The way way I see it, there are really only two points to consider here.

Are you transphobic? No - you've been supportive, and have tried therapy. You're giving your wife the opportunity to pursue what will make her/him happy.

Should you stay? No - You will not be happy in the relationship, and she/he has no right to expect you to be miserable, just so the two of you can stay together. You are straight, and don't want to be married to a man. It would be selfish for your wife to expect otherwise.

I'm sorry to say, but it's time to go.

[Asker]

Thank you sir.

[Billie_]

Look, Im gonna be honest with you. You are a heterosexual man. Sexuality is not a choice. You did not marry a man, you married a woman. Now, she has every right to transition into a man if she genuinely believes she is transgender. But you are not obligated to stay with her, because that wasn't part of the deal when you married her. Do you really want to live the rest of your life married to a man? Life is too short.

[Asker]

yeah i agree, our therapist called me a transphobe because of my choice.

[NathanDavis]

That person is not a real therapist, is a manipulative person

You should stay away from that person.

[Billie_]

It doesn't matter what other people think. This is completely your choice as with any breakup. If she is so desperate for you to stay together, ask her what she thinks about you getting your sexual frustration out of the way with other women, discuss a polyamorous relationship. Sex is very important in a relationship, it is what draws the line between "best friends" and "lovers." Good luck.

[Asker]

Thank you both

[NathanDavis]

best of luck

[God_of_Thunder]

I agree with @NathanDavis

No reputable therapist would say such a thing. The very fact that you were there, speaking to them, proves that you were trying to be supportive.

[Levin]

I mean, this would be a perversion of therapy in my opinion.

Therapy is about freedom of choice, respect for the individual, and in the ethical framework there's usually parts about it being deemed unethical to convert peoples' sexualities.

The key is, you know your own mind already. You know what you want. She doesn't respect that.

Love isn't the issue. You can still love people and not need to be together. But it looks like you're going in separate directions. She wants to go through with this gender transitioning. As you say, you're attracted to women. To be true to each of your selves, would involve you pulling apart. To be together, would involve giving up one of your selves. Giving up what you fundamentally believe in. I don't see how you can square that circle.

[NathanDavis]

To be asked to do something you do NOT want to do from your core and heart
it is as bad as
To be asked NOT to do something you want from your core and heart.

You should divorce and aim for peace with yourself
As she should transition to be in peace with herself

Unfortunately, you two can only do better by yourselves, not forcing the one or the other to do something they just do not want to do.

[DCooper]

What difference does it make whether you're "transphobic" or not? You sign up to be married to a female, not a trans. Similar to having a spouse go off the deep end in various other ways... minus the marriage and (assuming) cohabitation, you could make a clean break and both move on. But as it stands, you're firmly tied to a boat anchor, and have to choose whether to struggle loose or try to learn to breathe water.

[Petermorgan34]

No your not transphobic,(phobic phases are used way to liberally) You can bail if you want to. Your not a bad person if you still respect and treat her the same as you would another man after she makes the transition. If you leave your just making a decision on whats best for you.

[ChrisBlue]

She wants to have a platonic relationship and have boyfriends and girlfriends?
Well then obviously the marriage is over.
She will be your friend forever, but her trying to stay married to you is quite selfish.

[Dchrls78104]

You be you, my friend, but I would bolt---quickly. I would like to think that I'm a lover, not an enabler.

[In_Trance]

jesus...