Do you stay in the relationship or jump ship at this point?

[homie3112]

I have this friend and she has been dating this guy for almost a year. The guy is basically falling apart. He eats a bowl of icecream everyday, is overweight, is depressed, has suicidal thoughts, and slacks off a lot. This friend has been giving them advice to help them, but in almost a year she could only help change him being high all the time. This friend still loves him, but is so tired of carrying the relationship. She feels that if she told him, his fragile ego would break and he'd kill himself. Recently, she has been talking to a girl to be a roomate, but they have been getting closer. The two girls kissed. Neither the future roommate or boyfriend knows about the other's relationship yet. My friend doesn't know whether or not to stop with the girl and be honest, see where it goes and keep quiet, break up and see where it goes with the girl, just stop either, or what. She likes the girl, but she doesn't know if it's the girl or not having to take care of the other person and validate them. What do you guys think?
Personally, I believe that her relationship won't last that long with that boy in the first place. He is all of the place and unstable. It will end, I just don't know when. I have never met the girl, but my friend is someone who seeks stability. I have no idea where it would or could go with the girl. I need your help to get a better perspective on the situation.

[magiusX26]

i'ld go for the leave both option. the guy being too unstable as you stated and maybe going further downhill once she breaks up means she will be in a very bad place mentally for awhile. would view the girl as a rebound relationship so would turn out bad as well. leaving both would give her time to get her head right and maybe then, if she feels right with it, double back to the girl. in the meantime, when she breaks off things with the girl she should be honest about what all is going on and about to happen around her.

[kyleelyn199723]

So because her boyfriend is a huge mess, she thinks it is right to go and cheat? They are both a mess and both of them do not need to be in a relationship. Are you the girl that she is cheating with? Why on earth are you thinking it’s okay to be with somebody that can’t even handle their current relationship? Ridiculous. “She is afraid he will commit suicide” grow up , grow some balls and know when you need to walk away from a relationship.

[homie3112]

Wow. Thanks for your cander and accusations, but no. I am not the girl she is cheating with. Suicide is a serious thing that should be taken seriously, especially when that person is already talking about suicide. Thanks for your "balls".

[kyleelyn199723]

@homie3112 then why involve yourself? Suicide is a serious thing, but what is this girls benefit of staying with someone and cheating on them? There’s no benefit. So if he would commit suicide for her leaving, he will commit suicide for her cheating by your logic. Yes instead of cheating that person needs to grow balls. There is absolutely zero reason to cheat and you are an even worse person than this boyfriend.

[kyleelyn199723]

A person that cheats is a person that can’t be true to themselves or their feelings.

[kyleelyn199723]

And I’m sorry I hold no sympathy or remorse when it comes to cheating. Him not being a stable person , there is no excuse.

[homie3112]

Again. I am not the girl. Why do you think that? The girl kissed my friend. She's talking to her as a potential roommate for college. I am concerned because she is my bestfriend and does not like the situation that she is and is lost.

[homie3112]

This is an anonymous site. If I was in this situation, I would say that I was. There would be no point to hide it.

[kyleelyn199723]

My opinion: you are one of the two girls because my opinion wouldn’t hold much value to you if you were not. You would be open to me saying she needs to grow some balls 2. You have the incentive that you care about him and are scared he will commit suicide when in relit your are scared of the guilt you will have if he commits suicides. Care about your guilt and care about that person are two different things. Now if you came on here and said “I think she should leave the relationship, as she has been loyal to her boyfriend and once cared, but she is cared for too long and can’t take the damage her was doing any more, I would sympathize.

[kyleelyn199723]

And if you aren’t the girl, I’m not sure why you would consider people sugar coating this whole situation to be deemable advice. You wanted me to praise this so called friend while she is cheating on her boyfriend and sympathize because he is in a life of self destruct

[kyleelyn199723]

Damage he was doing anymore* sorry I made a lot of typos

[homie3112]

I don't need your sympathy. Your opinion does not change the fact I am not one of these girls. He has had a history of mental illness and is a good guy, so yes I am worried. I don't want him to die, yes I am worried. I don't want my friend to be hurt, I am worried. Why do I have to be in this situation to care?

[kyleelyn199723]

And honestly there is a ton of guilt on this girls side of the story so I wouldn’t be surprised if you were the girl and are shielding it to be a friend because you have a ton of guilt. I am just saying. Maybe I’m wrong but how I see it 🤷🏻‍♀️

[kyleelyn199723]

Why should I be in the situation to care? Because if it is not you, it’s none of your concern. You don’t need want to listen to somebody that is being blunt of what this sounds called friend should do. What you wanted me to say was “she should leave the boyfriend and go be with the girlfriend so he has a chance to go fix his life”

[kyleelyn199723]

You don’t even*

[kyleelyn199723]

Again this so called friend does not care of this guy and his mental health, she cares about the guilt if he would commit suicide. You know why? Because people that care walk away when their relationship is not benefitting that persons mental health

[homie3112]

No, I wanted your opinion on the actual situation. Which is why I keep clarifying things. I can tell you all about the differences between my friend and I, there's a lot. I wouldn't get myself into this situation which is why I asked an online forum. Your whole opinion said that I'm a horrible person and a coward for doing this. Bruh, there is literally no reason for me to lie.

[homie3112]

I mever said she didn't care about his mental health. What? She said she's worried that he would commit suicide because he'salready there. Where did you even get that?

[kyleelyn199723]

Right, but whether it’s you or your friend is neither here or there, whoever it is , is piece of crap and needs to get called out on what they are doing. And I am saying she doesn’t care about his mental health. I didn’t say you said it. She cares about possible guilt if he committed suicide. If she cared, she would say “hey I know you have been going through a hard time, I think it’s best for both of us that we aren’t together” not sneak around with a girl and invalidate it as cheating because it is a female and not a male.

[homie3112]

I don't know where you are getting some this. The facts: I've had a best friend for 6 years. She has a boyfriend. The boyfriend eats unhealthy, is financially unstable, is mentally unstable, gets jealous easy, loves her. My friend takes care of people best she can, loves him, has been helping him for almost a year. The girl is pretty much an unknown factor, I don't know her. The girl kissed my friend and my friend is scared she liked it too much. She is afraid that she is attracted to the stable girl and doesn't want to lose her friend (the girl) or her boyfriend. She doesn't think either side will understand. She asked her best friend to help with advice. I am in a 2 year stable relationship and don't have much experience with any type of cheating or being cheated on. The guy is a good guy, she is a great friend.

[kyleelyn199723]

What don’t you understand? You wrote that her slimey excuse to cheat is because her boyfriend is unstable and you are trying to invalidate her cheating because the cheating happened with a girl and not a guy. You claim she is scared to speak on breaking up with her boyfriend because “she cares” when in reality she doesn’t care. She cares about the possible guilt of him committing suicide , which if she cared about him possibly doing that, she wouldn’t have added another problem onto his plate (cheating on him).

[homie3112]

It's not invalidated. Again, where? She has suggested a break before which is when he was talking about killing himself. I never invalidated the kiss being cheating, I don't condone it, hate the idea. She feels guilty because she also knows that the kiss is cheating.

[homie3112]

Okay. Lol. Thank you for your opinion. It was definitely a different perspective and was worth the conversation, but I'm done trying to clarify the situation to you and have you jump to random conclusions. Have a nice day!

[kyleelyn199723]

So if you think it’s wrong , why were you so offended when I said she needs to get balls and break up with him , when that is literally what she needs to do? He won’t commit suicide. He is using it as a crutch and manipulation

[kyleelyn199723]

No you got offended when someone put it into perspective that your friend has no balls and is adding another tool and reason for him to become more deep into depression which is cheating

[kyleelyn199723]

And also, last thing if she cared and he is threatening suicide then it would be more productive to call the police, call anyone close to him than think “yep so my only escape is cheating”

[homie3112]

If I were in a situation where someone threatened to kill themselves, I'm not just going bet that they won't. People do kill themselves over that, it happens. I wouldn't be so nonchalant abojt leaving them. I wasn't offended, I have yet to be offended. I keep trying to clarify that I am not my friend, so you kept calling me a horrible person for no reason. I can keep clarifying that if you want, but at this point there's no point.

[homie3112]

Again. The girl kissed my friend. She feels bad because she liked the kiss that was initiated by the girl. She didn't go out to find someone to cheat with. I like what you said about the police thing. That is what I usually think about, I also know the hesitation of not wanting to hurt that person. (Someone called the authorities on me once, not too cool. I didn't blame the person who told, but the facilities can also hurt someone.) I still think that the police is always a good option in these situations.

[kyleelyn199723]

Fun fact, I have been in a situation just like this, but way to be a hypocrite on calling out someone on assuming? Also you were offended that’s why you carried on a conversation with me and not the other comments. I would’ve respected if you said “maybe my friend does need to grow up and leave him”

[kyleelyn199723]

@asker doesn’t matter. I have a boyfriend and he has depression and never in the back of my mind would I be pressured to kiss somebody else because I absolutely care and love him.

[homie3112]

Bruh, no I am not offended. The other comments were way more straightforward than yours and did not insult my friend continously. I have not been in this situation, so it is probably better for me to ask around for people that have (apparently you). I have depression, my friend does, all of my friends do, the guy does too. I don't get cheating which is why I asked, you're just crucifying her for something that happened. Which again, the girl was supposed to be my friend's roommate. While getting to know each other, SHE kissed my friend. (Or so I'm told)

[homie3112]

The more detailed male opinion, is what route I would take so I don't need to walk through that thought process to get where he is coming from.

[kyleelyn199723]

@asker I addressed your friends wrong doings. Yes you are offended because I put into perspective that your friend is just as awful as what you are making her boyfriend out to be. You still aren’t in this situation. You are choosing to butt into a situation that is not for you to butt into.

[homie3112]

If someone asks you want you think, is that butting in? If so, no one should ask for advice because that makes everyone else guilty for butting in. I am not offended. He is a good person, so is my friend. I literally put what she has told me in a forum, I'm trying to clarify things in the situation that I didn't think to put in the original post. He is not a bad person. Niether is she.

[homie3112]

Also, if I am butting in by being asked, then you are too because I asked online and you replied. Lol. I honestly disagree with that one, but you are coming from somewhere. If she never asked me or was just ranting, I could see it as butting in.

[kyleelyn199723]

@homie3112 right but did she get the police involved , did she call up anyone close to him? That’s something a caring girlfriend does. She doesn’t go and kiss a friend that is a female. The original post you outted get boyfriend to be a monster when in reality the only person I have seen done bad in this situation is your friend. And this is not my friend, this is your friend. You are butting in on her life and pulling advice that only benefits her side, when there is two sides. Notice how the other two replies, you are the only one that agreed with them? I have two thumbs up from people that aren’t you.

[kyleelyn199723]

Also this app is to pass my free time, so yes what I do is read situations they are going through and evaluating them. I conclude 1. You are butting in 2. If you really thought this guy was a good guy, you wouldn’t have listed stuff such as “he doesn’t eat well” you picked apart what he has which is called depression and pitted him to be a bad guy meanwhile you gloss over the fact that your friends cheated 3. I also continued your friend needs to leave this boyfriend which everyone else basically nicely put.

[kyleelyn199723]

Your friend*

[kyleelyn199723]

Concluded *

[homie3112]

That's pretty cool to do all that reading, man. Eating at least one big bowl of ice cream a day is what I would call eating unhealthy, yes. That is too the point of concern, which is why it is mentioned.

[IDontBelieveIt]

@homie3112 well said it sounds like he's having a mental breakdown which is more common than people think, he needs to get medical attention. I don't know what your health system is like in the US I will leave that with you to get the help, but he needs anti depressants and quick! it takes about two weeks for the meds to start making a difference. It sounds like he's in a really dark place and needs to be open and honest with the doctor how bad things are, in the UK they should check up on someone regular and may need to alter the amount of anti depressants, if things are really serious they can put him on an anti psychotic. Like I said US is different to over here. Your friend should not have cheated, but if someone doesn't know how to get help or where to get it, it's like you can't see the end of the tunnel, even worse for the person having a breakdown, the brain is sort of like a computer if it has a problem it won't function at its best. You sound like a caring person and admire your actions so far, but please get him urgent help. Good luck. Maybe let us know how things turned out hopefully it will be positive. I'm not medically trained but I have a retired nurse in my family and I have been through some VERY dark times in my life over many years, I have attempted to take my life on a few occasions. At the moment I'm on a anti depressant called Sertraline and sometimes I Needed Aripiprozole it's an anti psychotic but it doesn't mean you are psychotic. Sorry it's a bit long.

[kyleelyn199723]

@homie3112 essentially yes it is unhealthy but that is beside the fact that you could’ve just said “he is going through depression that is affecting their relationship to the point where she loves him but doesn’t see them being together anymore” instead you picked apart and exposed his behaviors to make him look like a shitty person

[homie3112]

But do you have down vote? I keep saying I disagree with you on certain things, but that doesn't invalidate your opinion. Nor does it invalidate mine. I conclude, 1. You have an interesting, but very skewed perspective. 2. I also think that you heard cheating and had some type of flashback from your experiences. Which is obviously fair, but that's also your experience. I listed things that she listed for you to gain perspective. She asked me for advice, I asked her if she wanted me to ask online, she said yes. Seems pretty simple, but whatever. If someone asked me what color shirt to wear, I don't think I'd be scared to answer because they asked. You mostly bashed my friend in here and gave very little advice. She's a horrible person for this, cheating is bad, you're probably her. Cool, assuming that you're right. Are you offended? You keep replying too, I thought it was just a conversation to be honest. I mean in my opinion I do think the way you said basically all it was rude, but still a conversation.

[kyleelyn199723]

1. I didn’t have a flash back. I am giving you feedback on what you originally wrote and to me it sounds like you were encouraging your friend to start a relationship with this girl and justified her cheating, but then painted her boyfriend to be the dirt bag. Go back to what you read. Read over and over again. I gave plenty of advice. To me it almost seems like you are siding with your friend because she is your friend and not siding with the actual problem. This is the problem when friends butt into their friendships. They only want to hear what protects their friends, but in a sense I am sticking up for the boyfriend she cheated on. You aren’t. You need to tell your boyfriend to grow some balls and stop doing stuff behind his back that further hurts him and puts him into more depression.

[kyleelyn199723]

Friends butt into their friends relationships *

[kyleelyn199723]

another thing you wrote “my friend seeks stability” so she seeks stability meanwhile she is putting herself in a situation of instability? Do you see how you are defending her in a sense?

[homie3112]

There's that assuming thing again. My opinion: I like this dude. He's a good person, her cheating is wrong. Cheating is disgusting. I think the stability of the person is attractive to her, not the person. I don't think she initiated, but she didn't stop it. I would stop everything and tell the truth. He doesn't deserve this at all, she also doesn't deserve to be his mother. It's not right. She should either tell him and work it out or break it off. They are fine together, but their relationship won't last either way.
Now, I asked her if she wanted me to ask online. You gave your opinion that was also very one sided. You can say that you think I am being one sided, but if I told you that there was a kiss and not tell you that she's tried to take care of him, or that she has mentioned a break, or that she didn't kiss her, or any of it. That is more one sided. That is more black and white, more black and white does not help. It's all grey, it's murky and messy. Now how about you reread my replies and my post because I have reread your texts to make sure everytime that I didn't misread.

[homie3112]

My opinion has already been given to her. Telling people what I think is only enforcing that perspective, not give more diverse opinions. She got your opinion, it's not wrong. I'm talking to you because noether of them are bad people and I will clarifying that over and over if I need to.

[kyleelyn199723]

See but that’s not what you originally said in the original post. Go read what you said in the original post you original post is very one sided. It assumes that her boyfriend is a piece of crap , and she should basically get into a relationship with this girl but for some odd selfish way she thinks it’s better to cheat to save his feelings

[kyleelyn199723]

What I see was you expecting not to get called out on your poor view of HER relationship issues

[homie3112]

Her words, but sure. I can see how could think that. Another thing I didn't put in the post, which is on me, he talks about just being homeless. He's not, he has a job, he has a place to live, but he doesn't want to work. He talks about just giving up on his life, his job, and his home. I would call that instability. I am not a perfect person, so I would also question my future if my s/o talked about being homeless.

[kyleelyn199723]

Right, so let’s go search stability by cheating and concealing feelings instead of breaking up with unstable boyfriend to chase stability. Logic

[kyleelyn199723]

Your friend is not seeking stability, she is seeking to end things in the poorest way possible to save her guilt

[homie3112]

To the other guy: I like what you said. It was very reasonable. Unfortunately he has a therapist and everything, but refuses to talk to the therapist. I hope he gets better too, he's a nice guy. :)

[kyleelyn199723]

Or let me rephrase that she is looking for stability meanwhile she is not stable and strong enough to be honest

[IDontBelieveIt]

He needs medication then, if not on it already, he has a choice like I did I was up and down like a yo-yo but each time I fought my way through because I had people need me. Meds will change his chemical imbalance he might start opening up to the therapist.

[EJlad]

Jump ship.