Am I being lead on here? Keep in mind that she had been married for 13 years (unhappy marriage) and am her first real relationship?

[Anonymous]

I had been dating this woman who is a bit older than me we had been together for 3months, everything was great but went really fast! she broke up with me out of the blue because she felt overwhelmed and wasn’t ready for a relationship, one week later we get back together, and 3weeks after that we break up again for the same reason, shit happens, i cut her off and go no contact, a while later she calls me in the middle of the night, sobbing and telling me she can’t live without me, i say what’s done is done etc, she kept texting and i agreed to meet her and have a conversation, she said she realised that she wanted me in her life, we just need to go slow because this is the first time she had dated someone (she was married for 13 years)
I accepted because i love her, the first week and a half, its going great, i was on vacation, the texts and calls were super cute, lots of effort and affection, various emojis and the works, same as when we were together in the beginning, i come back, and the texts start to change, colder tone, most of the chat is about her, i rarely get asked about my day etc, basically not showing interest or putting any effort, when i was on vacation, we ended every day with an “i love you” and since I’ve been back, she texted me “i love you” exactly once, and it’s been a month since am back, she rarely says it in person too and almost always during sex except for a couple of times….
We haven’t labeled what we are, but we had a big argument and she said that she felt ready for the next step but now after the argument, she feels like we need to wait a bit longer.
am just so lost, am i being used for sex? Am i just a place holder? she has stated multiple times that am not an option, am her choice and she wants to be with me, but i don’t get the extremely hot, extremely cold behaviour. She did say that she has always been the cold kind, and that the way she is now is more comfortable, but the difference in intimacy is throwing me off, what do i do?

[AmandaYVR]

This sounds like a fair bit of drama for just three months. So much for the honeymoon phase.

But otoh, no relationships are without issue, and it also sounds a little bit like you have a tendency to overanalyze, overthink, perhaps.

Anyone who has been married has a past, and it was a serious commitment, and it had a big impact on their life and who they became. You probably wouldn't choose her to have this past, but it exists, and you both have to work with it. People who have little relationship history and experience also have their own issues. You learn a lot from either 1. Being with someone for a long time, and/or 2. Being with a variety of different people (in committed relationships, not hookups.) You have at times thought she was worth it, so I would advise you to not dig in your heels too much, on feelings of being disrespected, or played. That's likely a defensive, protective, measure/instinct, and it's fine to be cautious, but from what I can gather from what you've written, she is not playing you. Not even close.

The part "She has said she has always been the cold kind" is interesting. That must be factoring in quite significantly here. But remember, words over text can easily seem something that they are not, were not intended. It takes not only the feelings to exist, but also the person to have a very high level and awareness of communication, in order for the other person to never feel things like dismissed, deprioritized, etc. I wouldn't hyperfocus on what and how often she texts. However, how she is in person, and on the phone, is telling. Take in all of this information, consider everything. (Also, how often she gets together with you. Two people in love, especially early in a relationship, want to spend a lot of time together. It feels like a need, and that a part of you is missing when they are absent. People make due with texting in the meantime, but there's nothing like the oxytocin rush that happens in person, with touch.)

There's two things in what you said that hint at what she is going through. "i say what’s done is done etc", "We haven’t labeled what we are, but we had a big argument and she said that she felt ready for the next step but now after the argument, she feels like we need to wait a bit longer." Not only is she a woman who is coming off a long marriage that ended, but the more you push, and argue, the more she wants to retreat. We can't guess what she is thinking or feeling, and she is certainly conflicted and that must be very frustrating for you, but you could push her before she is ready, and this will push her away. You love each other. As long as you are both committed to one another, what's the rush? If your arguments are primarily about her indecision, and you feeling the feelings are not equal, I'd advise you to cool your jets, and practice patience. Enjoy each other, don't pack the relationship so much with expectations. Maybe if you say this to her, she won't get overwhelmed. Some people, you push them too much, they run. Of course you need some sense of security here as well. You can't be walking on eggshells all the time, wondering when she's going to want to break up again. But maybe if you tell her "We'll just play it by ear, there's no rush here" or something to that effect, she won't get spooked, and by giving her a bit more space, she won't feel suffocated or that there is too much pressure on her. You're not being led on. You're in a relationship with a woman who is conflicted. Neither is great, but the latter is not intentional, and intent matters.

[Asker]

It was a lot of drama yes, and it’s mainly because she didn’t know where her head is at, i took her past relationship into consideration and let her take the lead, taking all the first steps and such.
You’re not wrong, i do overanalyse, but it’s only because I’ve grown to “read the pattern” of her behaviour, she has always said that she is better at communication via text, and when the text messages got less frequent, less intimate, i started to fear that she’s gotten into her own head again, the weird thing is, she said that this is the most comfortable she has been in our relationship, and it’s making me question if she had been trying to be someone else in the last being all affectionate and loving.
The part about her always being cold was in the context that she has never had the urge to be as affectionate as she has been with me (her words), but now am seeing what she meant since she is being quite cold via text and texting me more as a friend than a person she is dating.
In person it’s quite good actually, we laugh, joke around, she holds my hand tight…
I don’t need a for life commitment from her, that’s just not realistic nor is it fair, i just need to know where her head is at because as you said, it’s been feeling like am walking on eggshells waiting for the shoe to drop…
For now am just going to let her know that I’ll be here and we take it step by step, even though i feel that the damage is done and she is spooked as is, but she is so conflicted that she neither want to end it nor go all in.

[AmandaYVR]

I don't know, being affectionate and loving are not typically things people force or try to put on. I think you can pretty safely conclude that she was feeling those things at the time. She was intoxicated, at least for a while. Although that doesn't really make you feel any better, because you're noticing change, and we all want change to be good, improvements, not negative or lesser.

How long has her marriage been over?
How often do you see each other?

It's a really tough place for you to be in. Has she ever said that you are better off without her? (I ask because gauging her guilt, and accountability, gives you some insight into her state of mind.)

It'd certainly be your prerogative to walk away. All you can really do is communicate how her ambivalent behaviour concerns and hurts you. Maybe also ask if there's anything, specifically, that you could do to alleviate some of the pressure she is feeling.
You could say whatever you feel (as long as it's constructive, of course), such as, "You know, I really want and need a partner who reciprocates my feelings, and keeps me in the loop about theirs. When I don't hear from you it makes me feel like you don't miss me, I don't matter as much to you. That's understandable, right?"

[AmandaYVR]

There's no easy answers here. I'd just caution you to not jump the gun. Every problem in a relationship feels like a moment to give up. I know how you feel, I really do. I've been married to the same man for 22 years now but prior to that I dated and was in relationships for about a decade throughout my twenties, and a lot of things felt almost catastrophic at the time, caused a lot of tears, but looking way back in retrospect, I and they probably overreacted. We have to learn tolerance if we want to have relationships. There's just no way around that. Another takeaway is obviously that you don't want to waste too much time with someone, when it's ultimately going nowhere. But there are no perfect relationships. People who stay together have all been through things. There is this common thinking now, and a question that is most-often asked to professionals, "How do I know if they are the one?" A: You don't. You never do. You just take the risk, you try to persevere. I can see where peoples' heads are at now, reading gag for as long as I have (and I have other sources too), and there is a hell of a lot of talk about respect, being strong, not putting up with shit, etc etc etc, out there. Historically, the times have changed, and people are now shamed for staying in less than ideal situations, whereas in the past it was pretty much the opposite, shamed for leaving. This is practically a sea change. Keep this in mind when you consider advice from strangers, and look at the pattern of "walk away." It doesn't mean that it's the clear answer, to every situation, yet it appears that way if you tally the numbers on gag.

[EmmaMary]

Regrettably I would personally give her the cold shoulder and quickly move on.

She's that indecisive, and probably always be, and is quite simply wasting your time, as well as her own.

Wishing you all good luck for the future.

[EmmaMary]

Thank you for the MHGirl.

[Avicenna]

Id question whether she wants to be inns relationship in the first place and whether she’s moved on from her last one. Don’t stick around if there’s no chance if getting what you want. But talk to her about your concerns.

[joeldalton]

lol, have you ever read a charlie brown comic?

[Subarugirl]

You are having an affair with a married woman... what are you doing?

[Guy13]

She seems very torn...

[Guy13]

or maybe cautious. She wants you in her life and is honest about it... Who does that in today's world. What is wrong with not labeling it for six months if she is all wrapped up into you... Sometimes, too much pressure can backfire. Enjoy it !!

[Asker]

Yeah i don’t think she has really decided to what she wants and that first week was just the initial dopamine hit…. I don’t know what to do

[Asker]

Am really not trying to label anything, am just trying to understand the extreme up and down in intimacy and affection, that is whats throwing me off

[Guy13]

My general inclination is less is best. It sounds like everything will fall into place. At least, I hope so... if that's what you want. :)

[Asker]

I hope so too, for now am not trying to make any moves and just enjoy our time together…

[Guy13]

👍👍. I m a little jealous but good for you.!!

[Anonymous]

Duh, of course you are fool.