Did my wife cross a marital boundary?

[Anonymous]

Marriages has its ups and downs. Right now my wife and I are having marital problems. One of her closest friends is a male coworker. I found out she has been running to him and discussing our marital issues. We’re in our mid 30s with little kids. Her friend is a couple years older and single. To me, she shouldn’t be discussing our problems with anyone else but me. It opens up outside influences. If we discuss things it should be between us or a marriage counselor. Call me insecure but I feel like she’s not protecting our marriage by doing this. This is how emotional/physical affairs start. By leaning on someone else. She doesn’t think she did anything wrong.

[avery58]

I used to think sharing personal information with friends was good but I changed my mind after my last relationship, because I kept sharing what was bothering me with a friend and my ex shared the same with his friends, yet we never fully communicated everything that was bothering us between ourselves.

And what's worse, those friends started talking about our problems between themselves since they knew each other, so like my friend would tell me "so and so told me something about the topic but I can't share everything they said because I told them I wouldn't tell you" which means they gossiped about it but I didn't have the right to know what they were saying or what my ex was feeling and not expressing to me, even though it was my relationship, not theirs.

You're also right about how outside influence could negatively affect a relationship. It's important communicate amongst yourselves as a couple, and if you don't want certain things shared to let your partner know that you want to keep that topic private.

I don't think she crossed a marital boundary but you should talk to her about any concerns you have.

[avery58]

But just cause she hasn't crossed the marital boundary yet doesn't mean those actions were completely appropriate though, just saying that you're still in time to fix the situation

[jennifer_bloom]

Only good people deserve secrecy. Evil people deserve to be humiliated publicly and fully.

[AviatorTom]

You are right, marriages has ups and downs. Often, a problem area is best handled by talking with someone other than your mate, someone you trust. Your wife obviously trusts this guy, and you too, since she told you about him. Consider this a good step for your wife, to get another persons opinion on what is bothering her.

As for marital boundaries in general. The less you consider them, the better a marriage will be.

In case you haven't seen my past posts, I was married for 20 years, raised 3 kids with my then-wife, before an amicable divorce.

[Jackblue]

I think that she did cross a boundary, if she had only discussed it with her female friends I would tell you to just accept that women need their sisterly emotional support, but telling a dude is a different issue, he is likely to be trying to get into her head.

[alice55]

She didn't do anything wrong, it's absolutely normal to do this; talking with someone else be it friend or parents is necessary and healthy. It give perpective and can help a person see if they're in the wrong themselves.

after the person need to be a real friend if not yes it can lead to bad things if he have others idea in mind.

[DrPepper12]

Are they "work spouses" and especially close? Do you both see him socially outside of work? My question is, all things been ng equal, would you have the same concerns if he was female?

[Anonymous]

She absolutely crossed the line. That is not cool at all.

[strateguy632]

correct she was wrong

[Anonymous]

she's cheating on you

[Anonymous]

you're anon.