One-time hookup casual sex dating kind of grosses me out, to be perfectly honest. You're just bodies, at that point. Why would anyone want to fuck someone once, and never see them again. If you like them enough to sleep with them, you don't like anything else about them to have conversation, spend time, do activities with? (This is rhetorical.)
I've never been about that. I'd much, much, rather get to know people, one on one. People are infinitely more interesting when you go beneath the surface. A carousel of ***** (and whatever the male equivalent is) is pretty ewww to me. I have later found out that a guy was sleeping with others, but they almost never tell you this at the time. They know many of us would walk away immediately if we knew that. You thought you were working toward something with them, maybe, but they were just playing roulette, again and again. Might as well call that Russian roulette, with the amount of antibiotic-resistant STDs there are now in the world. (Condoms don't protect completely.) And now add to that, monkeypox.
Thank you for the answer. So bottom line I need to have casual sex with a monkey?
(Joking)
@AmandaYVR Yes, you're so right. I can't understand people who just throw out their emotional investment like it's no big deal. Great answer.
I personally choose committed relationships over casual ones. Relationships are more than sex. It is about companionship and being able to experience life together. I don't think you can have that within a casual relationship. Having a significant other you can get along with can really add to your life. The experience is so much different when you spend time with someone you're committed to (and she as well of course) than when you are either single or spending time with friends.
In the end, it really comes down to you personally. Many people don't want to put in the effort to maintain a relationship. While others do prefer to build something with another person. Knowing you that once you get home you will be showered with love and care, nothing beats that. And when it comes to the sex, you can have that with someone you're committed to.
And to be frank, I think people who choose casual relationships to be quite weak mentally. As they are too scared of possible outcomes when going for a committed relationship for them to want to avoid responsibility, and cannot control their urges for them not to jump ship whenever it pleases them.
m better for you? better for me? better for others?
I think that's a very personal decision... and I think the worst idea would be to have others to make the decision for you, or to let them influence your own decision based on their own experiences rather than your own experience and also your own interests
but maybe you meant to ask as well about how others have gone about it and on that, well... I am just not into the many efforts that require to be a casual sexual partner with promiscuous people (especially the topics of STD's) so is not my thing, don't need it, don't seek for it... I would not know what to offer on how to make them work better but I am sure many other make them work best for them somehow
maybe you can give it a break too... or just keep trying different ways to try to find a relationship, rather than trying to find different than a relationship that so far has been your "style"
23 is very young... what's the rush? lol
Ya I’m wondering if I should take a break also. I’ve been trying to find someone i can trust and fall in love with but others just want sex and to have fun with a companion.
around your age, I also took a break... didn't bother to look or anything and I was fine with that, I went to college as well, and then I made friends there, I was still not looking for anything or anyone in particular, and still happened... lol
I met someone, we got to know each other, we fell for each other.. and before her, I've only had one previous relationship with a high-school girlfriend
Good point maybe I should back off trying to be committed. I’ve had three previous relationships and between them hooked up and had lots of sex in college. Guess I assumed now after college and working a full time job that should come with a serious partner and not with a few casual sex partners
edit/update**
personally, I don't bother with casual sex or hookups, stuff like that, is just not my thing... and I've always been in committed relationships
now for those who do it, I don't have any judgment, that's their thing and their lives, their choices... if that's what makes them happy or gives them satisfaction... I do not have an issue with it
if I were to "judge" anyone for something, it would be for doing things carelessly and irresponsibly, but that would apply to everyone and all kinds of relationships committed or casuals makes no difference then, lol
It depends on where you are in life.
I would almost argue it takes more skill/maturity to be in a healthy casual relationship than a committed relationship.
There are definitely things you take for granted in a committed relationship, and you fall into patterns and you start knowing what you'll be doing weeks on end. In a committed relationship, explaining your relationship is easy, you can also avoid a lot of jealousy because there isn't the possibilty of other people/connections in the mix. Many people have a natural desire to make a committed relationship work, even it's a painful denial of compatibility or values.
I think a successful casual relationship is difficult to maintain for any duration of time and it takes a lot of maturity to both reassure your partner, while also maintaining boundaries where both parties maintain much more independence than a committed relationship.
Humans for the most part will always yearn for some sort of relationship. There are exceptions, particularly when the individual has has their trust betrayed, but overall the desire remains, if dormant.
Good point. Seems like it’s work for both to be successful so wonder why many choose casual
Mostly because they prioritize their own sexual needs over treating another person with dignity and respect. Women are just as guilty of this, and are just as likely to 'catch feelings' as men. Both have difficulty expressing boundaries and setting expectations.
I see so it sounds like they just see the short term benefits of orgasms and sexual release and don’t consider longer term effects of those decisions. It’s like choosing to binge eat for a weekend or a month and then not realizing they gained 5 lbs
Opinion
14Opinion
Well for me a committed relationship is an end goal, and I realized that maybe the best way to get there is actually a casual relationship. I don't do casual just to hookup knowing that it's gonna end eventually, but I might do casual just to get to know the person and see if we are compatible in doing a life together.
For example, my boyfriend and I made it official after second date, and now I regret it. It was too soon. No matter how much I was attracted to him and he wanted all, we forgot that we are in fact just strangers to each other still. How can you commit and trust if you haven't even spent enough time together and experienced stuff that motivates you to trust and commit? Do I really want to change my life completely and devote my time, energy, loyalty and reject every possible opportunity that arises for a man that I just met and have lust for and is willing to be with me? If you think about it it's really stupid, right? Trust is EARNED. Love is built, it takes time. Do you make best friends from the moment you meet a person? Ofc not, things happen that make you develop certain opinions and feelings about people. It's same with romantic relationship. Even though chemistry and lust can be there from the start, it is not a healthy or valid foundation to jump into a relationship. The problem is that when people want a relationship, they have certain things they wish to experience from it and think that this person will by default give them that because they also want a relationship. They might even agree to everything the other person wants making it like they are compatible, but they forget that it's their infatuation talking, not really their personality.
What happened with my boyfriend is that we were so infatuated with each other, and then we started making plans. Like living together, travelling, doing all sorts of activities and sexual stuff, etc etc. And all those things sounded perfect while talking about it, but when they actually happened (or didn't happen) it wasn't how we planned it. For example, at first he said he loves cooking and how he will cook for me. 5 months in and he still hasn't prepared even one meal (I do all the cooking). He also said he loves going to the beach and travelling and how we will do all those things, well we went once to the beach because he is lazy and always has some excuses as to why he doesn't feel like going or doing something. He also claimed how he likes slow, long sex with lots of foreplay, well he can barely make it 3 minutes. I was delaying sex for 2 months just to end up being disappointed. There are many other things that don't go well, but you get my point. If we were just casual or just friends, I'd realized all these things about him and wouldn't progress it further, would save us both the arguments, the pain, the missed opportunities, etc. etc. He does things when I tell him (like romantic night out or house chores) but only because I want it and I told him and he doesn't want to lose me, not because HE also wants it and feels the same and we're on the same page. When we talk about this he says "well of course I'm gonna do chores once we start living together" but... Conclusion: I got swiped away be the IDEA of him and a relationship, not by what's actually happening right now.
My point is, don't start a committed relationship just because you want a committed relationship. Start it when you know that what this person does and says RIGHT NOW is what you want 50 years from now too. And another very important point, you need to ask yourself if YOU are a relationship material? Not "sure I can change" but "I don't need to change I'm already like that"? Because being in a committed relationship (and then moving in and making family) is a very adult and serious and hard thing to do, you must have your shit together to be able to pull it. And so does the other person. If the answer is no, then you need to get to that point first before you commit.
Good points. Are you seeing changes in your boyfriend now or do you feel stuck?
To me casual is when there are no planned dates and people just hang out or be sexual with no intentions of becoming committed. Not sure a friendship is a good label for that situation.
Yes I am relationship material., I own my house and have a good job. I make mistakes daily but no longer hide them and fess up and apologize. One thing I miss about having a relationship is that motivation to step up and care for someone else. That accountability is a benefit.
Maybe a part of this discussion is that a casual thing requires no commitment at all while having actual dates has some level of expectation. Going on a few dates to get to know someone isn’t committing to living with them off the bat but it is committing to planning a time to be together, preparing for that date and showing up on time and putting away distractions. So in that way you can start to see if someone is responsible and can be trusted because trust is actions that back up words.
I’m currently in a committed relationship. Almost two years ago her and I met during the pandemic.
This is my first REAL relationship where we are open, honest, and respectful towards each other and care about each other more than anyone on this earth. It’s totally different than any other relationship that I’ve ever been in. It’s about being comfortable with them conquering your barriers while being aware of your own boundaries.
This kind of relationship isn’t for everyone and takes so much patience and trust. To me it’s absolutely worth it.
Congrats! I’m glad you see the dif in a trusting and open relationship
I think it really depends where you currently stand in life. I think it's very healthy to not always want a relationship during every phase of your life. If you feel like you can only be happy when in a committed relationship, you will never be happy, even when you are in one. And being single doesn't have to mean you don't date.
The best advice I can give you from my personal experience, is to let things just happen. If you're explicitly searching for something serious, it either won't happen or it will be you're starting the relationship with an unhealthy motivation. If you feel like going out on dates, do so. If you meet someone you get along with and feel attracted to, keep dating them. Not with the intention of eventually ending up in a relationship, but just with the intention of enjoying each other's company, having good sex, and so on. As long as both are on the same page, it will be a good thing.
Seems like it makes sense. Ya don’t wanna force anything. Part of the reason I asked is I’ve been on dates this year and while I would prefer to wait like 90 days until we have sex my dates really want it sooner. So it’s caused conflict which I guess is all part of dating.
Wait, what? I'm sorry but kind of arbitrary and insane rule is that? Explain.
This is so unbelievably dumb. It's one thing to wait a little before having sex with someone, but THREE MONTHS? That's just irrational and insane. You're an idiot. No wonder you're having dating issues.
While I appreciate you taking the time to answer my question I don’t like being insulted. I am not an idiot. But this is online so guess it’s how you treat others.
If you don't wanna be called an idiot, maybe stop believing in idiotic things and stop doing idiotic things.
You're here asking for dating advice, clearly you're not very happy with your dating life. And then you tell me you follow an insane rule of waiting THREE MONTHS before having sex with someone, and you're wondering why you're having dating issues? I'm sorry, but this makes you an idiot. Plain and simple.
But hey, it's never too late to learn from your past mistakes. Believe it or not, I'm not calling you an idiot because I wanna insult you, I'm calling you an idiot because you need to hear it and need to know how ridiculous your attitude towards sex is. It needs to change.
And again: I'm not saying anything against waiting a little before having sex. But 90 days is RIDICULOUS. By the time three months of dating have passed, so much has already happened. It's just a completely insane time frame. That's so unhealthy.
i know myself and im committed relationship person, however being casual can appeal at times it is not realistic for me as I always want more cause in order to have sex with a guy i need to like him and if i like him i want more...
I dont think people are more casual, i just think its more trendy and free than before. But you need to be true to ysf and who you are
I like that perspective. Yes it seems like people grow to like me and then they want sex. It’s the more that seems to complicate it and why the committed relationship seems logical
i think there are 2 types of people, those that can be very casual about sex and those that need time to feel good with someone in order to have sex. If you are first type its easier to engage, if you are second its harder to have casual sex as you need attachement first. People constantly shame eachother for being this or that type but both are actually normal.
Im not sure I understood what you mean by people like you and then want to have sex... i mean date only girls you like as well
I meant that I make friends with girls and over time they hint at being sexual. Yes I have tried dating someone I didn’t like to see if I was shallow and turned out there must be some attraction.
oh yeah thats why i cannot befriends with guys, they always want more just cause i look good
also, looks matter, im fed up people saying its superficial, its only superficial if its the only thing that matters to someone. Looks matter and that is normal and ok, but taste/attraction is also subjective and rarely someone is really ugly + a lot can be done to improve ones looks: good hair, teeth, fit body, nice style, being clean, beard for men, make up for women etc.
If you want to build trust and a long-term commitment, a serious relationship is what you should be pursuing. Getting into casual relationships will send the wrong message and to the wrong crowd.
I, personally want a serious committed relationship. I don’t mind what others are doing with their lives. Different things work for different people, so I wouldn’t judge someone who’s having a lot of casual sex
Could you expound on that answer? Who is the wrong crowd? Right I didn’t mean judge someone in that way I more meant if you met someone who was being casual with others would you avoid starting something with them?
I meant if you want something real then avoid causal relationships cause you’re most likely not going to find a long term relationship out of that. Indulging in such relations will seem as if you’re not looking for any form of commitment. Hence you might attract people who are not looking for a commitment.
If they’re willing to explore something serious then I would start something with them. But most of the time if someone is being causal with others then they’re not in search for a long term relationship so it’s best to avoid starting something serious with them.
Not sure if I’m making any sense :)
Thank you for expanding on your answer and we think alike. I also thought being casual would attract others looking for something commitment free. However the irony is I’m finding people who just want to hookup and don’t want a relationship. It’s like they know I am single and that I want to get married eventually but they don’t want to do the work to get to the benefits.
So yes I’ve been avoiding them so far. However the trickier part is people can fake wanting a real relationship
I believe our generation is just scared of commitment. Most people actually want a lifelong relationship but they’ve been conditioned to fear or avoid working towards one due to societal influences, previous heartbreaks and trauma. Hence why a lot of people resort to casual relationships or hookups cause they’re less work and effort
I’m starting to come to the same conclusion and that’s not going to be good for society moving forward. My mom always said that marriage is work. Society paints this perfect picture of the happy couple but underneath all that is conflict, arguments, fear, and pain. Like you said if people want to avoid all that work then our generation is in trouble.
Every relationship needs work and effort. It’s quite sad to see that romance is slowly dying out and hookup culture is becoming more prevalent
Thank you for saying that. Romance is a dying art and for me being romantic feels good.
As a hopeless romantic myself I actually don’t like the fact that romance is almost extinct. Perhaps we’ll find our fairytale ending one of these days
I prefer committed over casual. Casual just seems like a waste of time to give your time, energy, attention to someone who has no intentions of sticking around. It can get exhausted expressing yourself to someone only for them to eventually leave in short period of time. If commitment is what you want, then you definitely should avoid girls only wanting casual relationships.
Thank you for answering directly. So far avoiding them has been what I’m doing this year. The challenge is I’ve had girls say yes to dates only to change their mind.
It’s always better to be in a committed relationship but sometimes you just gotta chill out and maybe do some casual especially if you’re feeling bored alone. Sometimes serious relationships are too serious, and at our age we don’t wanna be so serious all the time. Try something new!
You are prob right. It’s not like we are in our 40s. Chill out and go with the flow huh.
Honestly I don't know at this point I feel now days both suck! I rather be single. Casual sucks for me because I get feelings no matter what and get hurt even if I tell myself don't get attached. Committed Relationship sucks with my current boyfriend because he isn't putting me as his number 1 and its so frustrating. Like I rather just be alone and fuck myself im more happier that way
Thank you for mentioning this. I try to be sensitive to others feelings and know based on past experiences that when people are intimate that feelings seem to always grow. So thought it’s better to date with the intentions of becoming serious over time.
"However this year it seems like the girls I meet would rather hook up and be casual than go on multiple dates and build a relationship."
Don't waste your time on those chicks. They're trash.
... I mean, unless that's what you really want. But I don't think that's what you really want long-term.
Yes I want long term eventually
Nice. :)
I think it really just depends on the person- I personally would rather have a long committed relationship but I get why others wouldn’t. As long as both parties are clear about their thoughts beforehand
Which can be challenging because people can change their minds. I let someone know I’ve been in good relationships before so would like to eventually be in another one. They will agree that’s their thoughts as well then change their minds.
Um committed relationship all the way sir 🙋♀️
If u feel lonely please dont rush it.. it will come to u at time, just trust the time..
But again, if u really want casual, at least do it with someone when u feel the connection, not just lust
Oh ya lust def isn’t a reason alone to sleep with someone. I also believe committed is a better goal but maybe casual is an option for a while.
It isn't about what's better, it's about what is right for you at this point in your life. If you want serious, go serious :) you may disappoint yourself if you settle for casual and end up wanting more.
Good point. I don’t wanna disappoint myself. You think that girls can start casual with hopes of becoming serious?
That is a really good perspective.
Some people get so caught up in what they think they should want, instead of what they actually want.
@gochogirl do you give advice?
I have done both. I think each has its place at certain times. Just do not mislead another with false promises. I have had times that I approached a woman as a casual relationship and really grew fond of her. Sometimes, I was able to convert the casual into a committed relationship. Sometimes, the woman just wanted to have casual relationships and my telling her I felt more about her just made her uncomfortable.
In relationships there is nothing like try. It is either casual or fully committed... nothing in-between. NEVER avoid casual relationships - you've got to start from somewhere. Once you choose COMMITMENT, always respect and honor that.
Yes there does seem to be two paths. But I’ve been choosing to go down the long term relationship path because that’s been better for me based on past relationships. To clarify I wouldn’t actually commit to someone after only a few dates, it’s more about my goals and expectations. To be casual dating is not about building trust and getting feelings for someone else it’s more to just have fun and be sexual early on. Is this how you see casual?
"Would you judge someone if you knew they were having lots of casual sex?"
It's not about judging anyone, it's about acting accordingly that information.
The only kind of relationship that I'm personally willing to have with such people, is "friends with benefits" or something in that category. But... that's me.
When you say such people do you mean that you would only consider a friends with benefits situation if you learn that someone is casually dating others?
It depends.
If I already know she has had lost of casual encounters, pre-creational use only.
If I start dating someone that is currently dating several other people and I learn that, I'll take away myself as an option. Sure, will tell her "Look, explore the other people and if it doesn't work out with them, you may call me" or something in that fashion. There is no reason to not answer, if I'm not in exclusive relationship in that (future) moment.
I want to date around for a bit. I don't mean ho around, I just mean date different people to see who I actually get along with as a long term partner. I've missed out on that experience and always feel resentful.
Sorry to hear you missed out and feel resentful. Does that mean you are stuck in a relationship that you don’t want to be in?
I was for a while. I tend to fall for shiny bastards.
Think we have all had bad experiences with others. Guess if you are not stuck you can try again with someone.
I think that’s a decision that will have a different answer from every individual. A steady relationship will forward you some companionship that you may be seeking. Getting around gives you a lot more freedom. For most people that decision is based on previous relationships and hardships (or not).
if you having a hard time finding someone who wants a committed relationship, perhaps going on casual dates is the way to go, just be safe.
Right, certainly casual seems easier. But part of it is the reputation. I like Steve Harvey’s 90 day rule before sex at the start of a relationship. If I go back to hooking up before getting to know someone doesn’t that turn me back into a player?
Yep. Sure does unless it spawns a new relationship. There’s a lot of mental energy spent in the hook up culture or a relationship. You have to decide which one you’d like to invest in.
I see your update. I wouldn’t worry about being judged, you would likely be your biggest critic, followed by whoever you happen to be dating at the time. If you choose casual, just make sure that those you are casually dating know that’s the course you have picked. It will lead to less headaches for you and them.
True I had to learn that lesson. Better to be upfront about what my expectations are than just not communicate and let them assume. Seems to remove some anxiety.
choose whatever works for you and the person you're dating. all people have different needs and mindsets for relationships
Which do you choose?
i've only been in committed relationships, but i'd like to try a causal one at some point to push myself on what i'm comfortable with. i feel like it takes a lot of trust, communication, and just maturity to have a good casual relationship
Try for the committed relationship! Although you have to be patient and understand that your partner might need to take his/her time to come around to the idea.
Seems pretty split. Half say committed and say live for the moment. Did you find love?
If you’re looking for something serious and long lasting definitely go for a committed relationship. If you’re just looking to have some fun then go for something more casual.
My goals include being in a serious relationship to build trust and eventually find someone to marry. But I’m not sure if it’s better to date people with that goal in mind rn or just casually date and not lead them in that direction. Even taking the time to plan a date and take someone out is feeling old school these days based on some recent experiences.
I didn't know this was a challenge nowadays. I'm still old school and always loved to go on dates especially when you can see that the other person put some effort in it. If you're really 23 you're still young and from my experience it takes some trial and error until you find someone decent. People often don't have the same goals in life as us so I advise you to make things clear from the beginning.
Depends on your needs. If you know you won't be comfortable with something casual, I don't recommend it. Stay single until you find a good person.
Good point. When I was hooking up a lot in college that was fun but then I had experience having a girlfriend who cared for me and it’s like I don’t wanna backslide yk
Understandable
A committed takes effort and skill. Not for the faint of heart.
True. I’ve had 3 committed relationships and all required work.
It will always be part of fitting two completely different people together.
people may say dating seriously is better or is the right thing to do, but you open yourself to potentially a lot more heartaches, it’s actually quite serious, casual can be good too…
So casual is less painful?
Just protect your heart, with anyone and in any circumstances. Guys forget sometimes that because they think they just want sex (some anyway). Now I would only want to enter a relationship if I was extremely serious about it. If not I would keep it light and fun, and keep enjoying life and exploring, until the big one comes :) but would also keep my boundaries, no need to have one more entangled relationship leading nowhere…
It really depends on everyone's situation. As long as everyone is honest and communicates, and everyone is looking for the same thing, then your good.
Problem most people have, though, is they have to be honest with themselves first
I agree that communication and honesty are important. Like recently I asked someone out and she agreed. Then a few days later she said she would rather just come to my house and fool around. To me that seemed dishonest
I am honest with myself that I want to be married and want to build a relationship. But do you think more people just want hookups these days?
There is definitely a movement of people who avoid marriage... It really means very little with the prevalence of divorce, it's not a permanent thing like it once was, so depending on your financial situation, being in a committed LTR is sometimes a better option.
Furthermore, many of us grew up in homes where one parent took advantage of the others love and the one who was taken advantage of felt miserable and trapped because divorce wasn't an option for either financial, social, or religious reasons.
For some, they are committed to a noncommitted relationship... For others we are committed to a "House" so we are committed to more than one person... There are a range of options, and people are realizing that.
Do what you want.
Some people are just not built for a committed relationship, others can't exist without it.
Thanks. I’ve done both and I’m a better version of myself when I’ve got someone to commit to and live up to
Stop searching. Just go out and have fun. If it’s meant to be then it will happen.
I’m leaning that way. You think that would make me a fuckboi? Or is there a difference?
As a man, don't let women determine who you are, what you allow, or what you settle for. Check out my mytakes if you want to be a traditional dude.
I would opt for committed relationship because you will be sure of the outcome in the future
And whether someone loves you and what they actually think about you
Good point. So you wouldn’t want casual because there is not a future to build with someone. How can you be sure of the future?
Obviously am not sure about the future but Hoping for it better besides casual relationship leads to some unwanted problems, I think
Oh ok hope is powerful indeed., what problems are unwanted in casual?
I think unwanted pregnancies, and some people in casual relationship tend to spoil future relationship by reappearing and of course mentally I guess
Def problems should be avoided I agree. Mentally you are right
Prefer to be in committed relationships. They have pros and cons. Same with casual relationships that come with pros and cons.
Have you had both?
Nope I don't see the point of having sex with stranger and catches a std.
Doesn’t have to be a stranger. Many people have sex with a friend or have a casual relationship after getting to know someone. Think it’s safe to say in both types of relationships being safe is key
I don't even have real friends since bad experience and as well with bad experience with some relationships.
That’s no bueno. Hope you get friends soon
I don't really see point of having friends.
casual relationship could lead to serious relationship, since you don't want committed relationship,. better stay as a friend or leave that person alone
Which is confusing because isn’t the point of being casual to not fall in love?
If you're looking for matrimony, committed.
Otherwise, casual - and casual only.
What’s the middle ground?
There is none.
You're either looking to get married or you're not.
I would judge people who had too much casual sex because of mono. :)
it is better to stay at home and do your taxes when they are due, derek
In short it's a yes.
Gotcha. Any reason why?
I don't see the point of a casual relationship.
Casual is better for me
Why is that
@BarryLiverstone Don’t want to commit
A committed one, no brainer
I should have made a poll for the question. Seems like some want commitment and others not.
I'll try to be in a relationship.
Casual?
Then gl. You don’t want to be romantic?
Ok then I’m confused
Comitted is always the best
Why is that?
Depends on what you want in life.
In my life I have many goals and getting married and raising a family is one of them. However does that mean I stick to only long term relationships or do I just have fun rn and let love find me?
If you want something serious, then stick with it
Yes
I prefer a casual relationship
I prefer to have a casual relationship
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