I met an amazing guy, who is my age. My dad does not agree with the relationship because he thinks I'm being lustful and emotional and taking my focus off my education, which is funny because he never took the time to ask me how I'm going with my studies but the minute he knows I'm in a relationship he says that even after I told him that my grades have improved and that I go better in school ever since I've been with this guy.
I have an African dad, and most African people or at least Nigerian people, when they hear relationship they think immediately of sex outside of marriage. And me being in a relationship at 18 is like me being rebellious and thinking I can do whatever I want because I'm 18, that's what my dad thinks. But the reality is that I met this guy now at 18 and I couldn't let the chance go.
He tries talking me out of this relationship he does not care about the fact that I'm genuinely happy and that many things have improved in my life... for once I do not have to deal with everything alone. All he cares about is me being submissive and taking his word as law.
My aunty called and said the same thing and basically that I'm too young and that I should just focus on my education. I just feel stressed, overwhelmed and misunderstood.
Even when it comes to lust or sex... as a Christian couple we talked about these things and we have boundaries and our thoughts aren't focused on those things at all because we believe that things like that should be done in the confines of marriage.
But yet, nothing, almost as if no one other than my mom and close friends understand.
I feel overwhelmed because I've always wanted a guy like the guy I currently have right now yet it's like I can't be happy.
My dad, and my aunty and I'm sure my other close relatives will continue to say the same thing, they make me feel young and stupid, I'm even tired of standing up for myself and relationship. It is exhausting, I just want to be happy, I don't know what to do.
Yes
No
Select gender and age to cast your vote:
Please select your age
Updates
1 y
My mom accepts my relationship, my dad doesn't. I can't communicate with him because whatever I say is not enough and his goal is just to get me to break up. Thank you all for sharing your opinions! You're amazing! ❤
I come from a strict household, so I know what you're going through. I'm also relatively young, but I don't pursue relationships because I know deep down that I'm not mentally ready for one.
See, what I want you to know is that your parents are acting in your best interest. I used to think like you, I did. I used to think that everything is unfair and that it's unnecessary, but after I moved out I realized that my parents had been right all along. I have seen things and been in situations where I can confidently say that I know better now, and my parents were absolutely right with a lot of the strict practices that they made me follow.
One of these things is dating. It's a funny saying when people say "there's nothing better than young love" and "have you ever been in love if you haven't at a young age" but I will tell you that the world is not a Disney fairytale, and that you have to be very careful who you associate with. Your father has seen good and bad days, so he knows more about these things than you do. It's not about control as you say, even if it comes across that way, but your dad loves you and he wants to protect you. Your grades improving is amazing, but this is more to do with your own hard work and less to do with your boyfriend. Be proud of your accomplishments.
The people that tell you "you're an adult now" are telling you what you want to hear, not what you need to hear. I'm sure if your family are a religious Nigerian community, they will consider arranging a marriage ceremony for you two, but if you don't want to marry at this age, then maybe you it's not a good idea to date. If you're 100% and absolutely certain that this is what you want to do, then he should meet your dad and the two of them should talk. If your father likes the guy, then make it official. If not, then don't go behind his back because that will not get you anywhere. If he is a decent guy, he will understand and move on after your family rejects him, and if they do accept him, then you have nothing to be worried for.
After all, you're only 18 and yes you might be an adult, but intuition is a life skill that is developed with time. Your father needs to vet your boyfriend for himself, and he will not feel comfortable to let you go until he gives his blessings.
Hi, thank you for sharing your opinion :)❤ I don't have an issue with my parents per se, I have an issue with my dad. I know he loves me and he wants the best for me, but to know what's best for someone you also need to truly know them, my dad thinks and strongly believes that he knows me and what makes me happy, but he doesn't.
I've been through so many things in my life even if I'm just 18. I've spent many sleepless nights... crying because of my dad, so no it doesn't have much to do with his strictness but rather his pride, arrogance and aggression.
And yes regarding my studies my hard work was important but at the same time... I spent years being discouraged and unmotivated to study... plus me being mentally and emotionally sick didn't make things any better. My boyfriend came into my life and gave me the helping hand I never thought I would need. So all the credit doesn't go to him but what I'm trying to say is when he came to my life he didn't stunt my growth instead he helped improved it. He encourages me and helps me in many areas of my life and I'll be forever grateful to God and to him. Because he's really amazing.
Being a parent isn't just about putting food on the table and a roof on your head. It's also about being emotionally present for your child and not just controlling them and telling them what to do or what you feel it's best for them.
My dad has not been a good father and I don't need 50 years of life experience to know that. Because of him I reached the point that I had so many suicidal thoughts that I thought would never end. So I'm not going to allow him to take away what makes me happy when he doesn't even know the battles I fight on a daily basis.
And being 18 doesn't necessarily mean you're an adult and mature but also understand that maturity doesn't come with age it comes with experience. And some elders even after they go through experiences in life instead of using it as a way to teach they use it as a way to control people and that's the problem.
My dad can't also talk much about relationships because he cheated on my mom and got two women pregnant, even if that was before he became a Christian, it's still something to take into consideration. He also got married at 25... so it's only normal if he wants me and everyone to follow after his own footsteps because that is what HE believes is right. And he'll continue to use his own internal fears to control me and the people's around me life.
The things I'm doing in my relationship, like being prayerful about everything, putting God first, setting boundaries, communicating... all these healthy habits my dad didn't have it in his relationship. My mom is not a happy wife and the main reason is because of my dad.
My boyfriend carries me like an egg and treats me so much care... not even my dad treats and talks to my mom the way my boyfriend does. So with that being said... after everything I've seen and have been through I find it hard to take life advice from my dad. But I always try to give everyone around me, including my dad, a listening ear and take the things they say into consideration.
First of all, thank you for sharing more context. I'm really sorry for what you're going through, and my original answer was given without knowing all the details.
See, the reason why I was more worried about your situation is because I know people who were going into serious relationships as young as 16 without proper vetting, and I've heard some horror stories. One of my close friends now in university told me he had an ex that cheated on him, and when he started dating a new girl that came across as compassionate and caring, he felt safe enough to tell her about what had happened to him in his last relationship. Literally, the next time they had an argument over something irrelevant, she brought it up out of nowhere "that's why your ex cheated on you" and it left him traumatized. The damage had been done, and even though she did apologize, it was over.
I don't say this to discourage you. Unfortunately, there are sometimes people who will try to gain your trust and then ruin you, and it's really difficult to tell at our age because sometimes there are clear signs that someone is problematic, but then there are other times when they could be a chameleon and mask it well. That's one of the reasons why I'm holding out.
The point with your grades improving. I didn't mean to say that your happiness didn't play a part in that happening, quite the opposite. However, I want you to understand the difference between "motivation" and "discipline". Motivation is working when you feel like it, while discipline is working when you don't feel like it. If you want to go far in life, you will definitely need to rely more on discipline, because there will be many days where you are not at your happiest but things have to be done. I've had a very rough 2021, but I still managed to do good in uni and now that things are going better, I relate it to resilience even at my lowest points.
As far as maturity, you are right. Maturity doesn't come with age, it comes with experiencing hardship. The reason why people say age, is because age gives you a longer window to experience hardship and growth. Of course this changes from person to person, since some people have it harder than others. There are young people who may be very wise for their age and older people who are quite immature (Karen's) but in general for the average person age is a factor. Trauma can have two effects on a person, it can either induce growth and gaining of wisdom and knowledge if healed correctly, or stunt growth if it's unresolved. There's a saying that the same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg.
Now, moving on to the topic in hand. You said your father isn't a good father. May you elaborate on that further? I understand you mentioned him not being emotionally available and having cheated on your mother before he became Christian, but I would like to learn more about him (if you're not comfortable with sharing, I completely understand). Has your mother forgiven him, or did your parents get divorced? Has he pursued other women/cheated after converting? Is he only emotionally unavailable, or is he also abusive in other ways? You of course do not have to answer any of these questions if you are not comfortable.
Do you have an older sibling? Maybe an older brother or someone who has your back in the family that can perhaps talk to your boyfriend and get to know him better? I know you totally trust him, but it will always be good if you have more people who do so you know that you made the right decision. Maybe it can be your mother or someone else, but he must meet your family sooner rather than later. If everything is good, you can start talking about the future and planning long-term.
You’re a adult now. If you’re saving yourself until marriage. All power to you! Being in a relationship doesn’t always equal sex. Another thing is that a relationship I guess can mess up a education. But. If it’s not interfering no problem.
You should be happy. Looking for a life partner. You deserve to be happy and find a handsome man to marry and be happy with and have children with.
You don’t know what is and isn’t meant to be. If you don’t date.
Sure your dad and aunt are probably great people looking out for you. Be he had to get married and so did your mom at one point in their lives.
Judt tell them you’re a adult and if you want their advice you’ll ask
No 18 is absolutely not “too young” to be in a relationship! If you have Christian values and believe you should wait for marriage (or whatever your personal metric is) before having sex, then your father should respect that. Especially given that you have specifically spoken to your family and reassured them that you are NOT having sex! (Not that it is ANY of their, or anyone else’s business what an adult does within the privacy of the bedroom!) Since you mentioned your father’s nationality as one reason for his traditional values, I did a quick Google search on the average age of Nigerian women on the day of their first wedding, and it’s 18.1, with urban woman “marrying 4yrs after their rural counterparts”. Which, depending on how that’s calculated, means that at least HALF of Nigerian women marry between the ages of 14 and 16, while the urban women marry at 20 to 22! I think the issue is both cultural, (with you father believing that “relationship” means sexually active) and the remainder being trust issues your family seem to have with you. I think maybe you should arrange to sit down with your family and try one last talk about this. If you completely reassure them that you are not having sex with this guy (if you are not), but either way that your education will always be a priority, while emphasizing that you are only living by the values THEY instilled in you, and that if they don’t trust you then they need to take a long look at the people who raised you and instilled those values within you! Feeling that a loved one does not trust you is one of the worst feelings that someone our age can feel, and I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. Good luck, and God Bless You!
I think that's a pretty good age to experience your first love/romance. I would say if you where 15 or younger then yes it's too early to be dating but I think this okay. Just remember the both of you are still very young, you are still maturing and growing mentally in your own ways, and that it's possible that the two of you could become two different people that want different things in life. So I say take things slow, really get to know one another and try your best to grow with each other and learn from each other.
No, it's not too young to be in a relationship. Just make sure it doesn't interfere with the things in your life you need to take care of, like your education.
I think your Dad is probably right. He has been around a long time. Give him the benefit of the doubt. I would go with what my Mom said if this was reversed...
0
0 Reply
Anonymous
(30-35)
1 y
In America, most people start getting into their first relationships at about 16. Some even as young as 13. Relationships don't necessarily mean sex, and even if they did, you're 18. A child is rebellious, but you're not a child anymore. You're at the age where you should be expected to start figuring out who you really are. Who you are may not be exactly who your parents want you to be, but how could you ever know that if you don't have the chance to find out? Respect your father, sure. It's probably very difficult for him seeing his child grow into a woman. But at the end of the day, you have to be your own person. Go make mistakes. That's how you learn.
I had a friend who was 16 years old maybe 17 years old and was seeing a guy who was older like late 20's early 30's. She was raised Baptist in church and her mother did approve of the relationship until things got heated and her daughter got pregnant at 19 years old. She ran off with her boyfriend and told off her mother and got married at a court house. Really rebellious girl though she regrets it as she could have taken her time when dating and not rushed into sex and waited for marriage. Best of luck to you with your boyfriend.
Based on your question and what you've stated above, what do you think? You don't need validation from strangers to know what's right for you. It's ok to need help or want to ask so that's my advice to you. Start being the adult you know you are and, spoiler alert, you don't have to listen to their advice.
I think the adult thing to do is to hear them, acknowledge their concerns, and restate it back to them and the addition to your happiness is important as is your education. You can be happy, take your education seriously, and be in a relationship. Remind them of your values on marriage and encourage them to eventually meet this great guy.
It's great to be in a relationship at that age. Just not great to look at it as the definitive one. That age is a tine to explore, see what do you like on a person and what not. What happens to lots of people that try to settle at that age (and happened to me) is that you accept a lot of things just because you think it's normal.
I wasted many years with someone only to realise when I broke up with her how muvh I was missing out. I met wonderful partners after that compared to her.
Honestly it sounds like you two are a good match, much better than most much older couples. Most people aren't ready for a relationship at 18, quite frankly, but keeping sex out of the picture makes a huge difference. Just stick to your values, wait till marriage and keep a clear mind, and maybe try asking your parents of he can come to dinner and meet them. We got married at 18 and 19, and him spending time with my family was very insightful and helpful.
I would say "YES" simply because the brains aren't fully grown yet. Making it harder to stay in longer relationship. There is a very big chance you'll end up hurting someone or being hurt by someone.
18 is young, but not too young. 15 is too young. You should be all right as long as you don't go with him on overnight trips, use condoms or abstain fr sex, have healthy boundaries, stuff like that. Emotional maturity is important, and your parents need to understand that. Communicate with them. Introduce your guy if you haven't already. Tell them if things worked out, you'd consider marriage, but you won't rush into anything you're not ready for.
As someone with conservative background herself, I'd advise you to keep your hands off each other when they're around, and avoid spending time in dark hours. Like staying out late.
I met an amazing guy - ✅ Who’s my age … ⚠️⛔️ It all depends what your goals are what do you want from this relationship. If you simply want to see where this relationship goes and simply enjoy it then talk to him. if your goals is to marry by 20 talk to him. But overall your an adult at 18 + so it’s not young or bad. At 18 you can get married and give birth etc.
Ignore them and keep your boyfriend, ultimately all they can do is pester you, because you are 18, and so you can in fact do whatever you want in regards to relationships (within the realm of consent).
Most Helpful Opinions