What are some things I can do to love and find myself again?

[Anonymous]

Hey everyone, i’ve been in a relationship for nine years and i’ve completely lost who i am. we argue so much and im exhausted. it’s come to the point where i don’t care to fight anymore. i also want to point out that i’ve never been really good with my words, i don’t know how to calmly say things when im mad. I've never had a good role model to look up to when it comes to relationships. my mom and dad had fought all the time and my mom and step dad fight all the time too so no positive outlook in a relationship. toxicity is all i know and it’s horrible. anyway, since i dont know how to use my words, it seems to my boyfriend that i don’t care about him or love him anymore. i also don’t love myself or i’m not happy with myself so with all those combined i don’t know how to love him properly. i want to be with him, but i also want to be happy and peaceful. but i don’t know how to do it. i can’t blame him for anything anymore because i used to. everything i’m going through is my fault. i’m not happy with myself because i think negative thoughts all the time, i don’t do anything that makes me happy, i don’t go out with friends, i don’t work because i’m in school. it’s a huge disaster and i hate it. i want to change so badly and i can’t do it by myself. i have no money for a therapist and i’m dying to go see one. i don’t know what to do. everyone says to leave him and find someone better, but i don’t want anyone else. i know he can be better and i know i can be better too. i just don’t know if we can be better together and that’s sad. anyway, my question is what can i do to start feeling happy with myself and love myself again? thank you in advance.

[DizzyDesii]

Well since you said you’re not looking to leave him, then find other ways to be happy while with him. Start noting your bad moments and then start writing positive ways to fix it and share it with him. If he's not the type to sit down and have a conversation where you hear eachother out then you really dont need to be together. But yes, be your own therapist. Spend more time to yourself (unless he comes seeking quality time). Watch your favorite shows/movies, ones that make you happy (not mad/sad). Partake in your favorite hobbies. Talk with others who have gone through the same thing (preferably someone you're not attracted to so that its easier to avoid falling for them emotionally). Be your own best friend and then talk with him and teach him how to be your best friend and lover again. Start doing research. Outside of school, consider “me time” as your other set of homework. You got this 🙏