Why does she push me away then become distraught when I don't talk to her?

[trvial]

I'll keep this short because the situation is very complex. But long story short, I've known this girl for over 6 years, we've always had a magical connection, last year we organically fell into being a couple. Everything was absolutely perfect until her psycho ex made false accusations about me to social services (which she knows are false). She then wanted to put the relationship on hold, which put me into a very depressed and emotional state of mind.

She has slowly pulled away and became more and more distant from me. So I started no contact, and after 10 days she was absolutely freaking out, going from exaggerating her happiness, to drinking (something she never does) to making indirect posts about how someone (me) abandoned her. I was worried about her and had a friend message her, to which she said "she still loves me as a friend, but doesn't have the energy to chase anyone". I would have kept the NC but her young son is really sick and I couldn't bring myself to leave her alone through it because I love this girl. But I'm really lost with what to do here or why she's acting this way. Any advice or input would be very much appreciated. Also, feel free to ask for more details if needed.

[PrettyPriya]

Wow, sorry to hear that this is all going on first off. Sounds like a pretty tense situation. So, what does fall into a relationship organically mean? That is not translating for me real well. Not sure the meaning behind it. Perhaps it is not important to the details.

Why did she want to put the relationship on hold after the ex made claims that she knew were not true? I don't get that. Did she offer any explanation as to why she felt a break would be beneficial?

The thing that really jumps out to me is the drinking. Why she started to drink, only she will know. It could be to relieve stress or alter her mood. Either way, not a good choice for coping with very real problems.

It almost sounds like after the drinking started, the rest sort of devolved into what it is right now with her pushing you away. You may not know the extent of the drinking either. It would explain the posts about you (which I assume are not positive) and her slow fade away from you.

[trvial]

To explain further, I went almost a year and a half without speaking to her because of the ex that ended up making the allegations against me. Me and all of our mutual friends told her to get away from him. She didn't and ended up getting pregnant. So I stopped talking to her and even back then she made numerous posts about me vanishing. I'm the only person outside of family that she does this with. But I ended up talking to her again and we became closer than ever and kind of just realized one day that we were a couple. That's what I meant by "fell into a relationship" there wasn't a point where one of us asked the other.

She wanted to put the relationship on hold because she didn't want the drama of situation around her kids. And far as I know, the drinking has only been on one or two occasions, but prior to me starting NC she went 3 years without having more than a single drink. Still to this day, we've never had a single argument, but it's hard to not call her out on what she's doing here. Because it's taking a toll on my mental health. She means the world to me, I don't want to lose her, and to some extent it must be true with her too. But I can't figure out why she's acting this way.

[PrettyPriya]

Thanks for the detailed followup. That helps a lot. Sometimes sayings or phrases don't make sense to me or I am not familiar with them. My English is quite good but I still can get tripped up by certain things.

Okay, so I can completely understand protecting the kids from drama. That is always going to be priority number one, the kids. Also, because the kids (or at least one?) is of relation to the ex, that makes it especially tough to deal with for the two of you.

I can also understand your side of it. While she might be forced to deal with the ex and father of her kids, she needs to be adult enough to ignore the nonsense from him and go on with life. That is always going to exist and she needs to realise that.

[trvial]

Exactly, I don't fault her at all for protecting her kids, but she needs to ignore this guy and move on with her life. She also completely ignores how I feel (at least verbally) in this ordeal. It has me in a mix of being heartbroken and pissed off because I did nothing to deserve this kind of treatment. She herself told me that I'm the least toxic man that she's ever been with. I just wish I knew why she's acting this way towards me.

[MOO212014]

she just wants someone to chase her and not but the work in.. she wants the guy to feel like he is failing at something.. sounds like manipulation

[JesseP1nk]

You should bail on her. She has kids, crazy ex, mentally she is in the sewers... Fuxk that, you dont need any of this s#it.

[LunaLoveMeKnots]

Could I perhaps message you privately brother? This sounds like you are going through it

[trvial]

Sure thing bro, feel free to shoot me a message.

[LunaLoveMeKnots]

Ahh I forgot, not on my usual account, I'll just post here, firstly anyone saying that this situation is terminal, not true.
Firstly, she is without a doubt mentally ill, like many of us but that is first, if you want to persue this you will need to learn to navigate this in a way that healthy for both of you, so this ex, when someone is away from an abuser it doesn't stop, the behaviour he was training into her is likely ape shit, what I feel she may be after, even if she is a little confused is still you, or it can be, don't ghost her, make it very obvious that you are interested in her but understand she is going through a lot, any negative stuff with a man even if you didn't do it will make her pull away, you can still be a rock for her when she needs, if you think of her message her and tell her that she's on your mind, if you think something is nice about her let her know, you can tell her that she is special to you without you being involved, if she says stop or doesn't like the level of engagement then politely apologise and pull back a tiny bit but that doesn't mean she doesn't want to talk at all, as for her drinking and the telegraphed emotions, how did you find out? Did she tell you without you asking? That is most likely toxic yes but that doesn't mean it's not a form of crying for help, it could be called attention seeking, but when attention seeking is out of character then there is more to it

[trvial]

This is the kind of response I was looking for, really solid stuff here. I feel like I need to add some more context just so you know more of the full situation. I hope you're right about her maybe still wanting me, because I most certainly still want her. This ex is beyond psychotic, she has no contact orders in place and he was arrested and put on bail (this is taking place in the UK) for violating them. He has called in numerous false threats saying that gypsies were going to burn her house down etc. He even went as far as to cut her internet cable so that she couldn't do a course for a remote work job.

As for making it known that I'm interested in her, I might have overdone that. Because before she pulled away we were talking about building a life together (marriage, a business, a home etc) even if that stuff would have taken time, that's where we were. So it was too hard for me to put the brakes on when the ex dropped the nuke on us. And as a result, I became needy, something that's completely out of my character. I want to keep telling her that I love her and want to be with her, but I feel like I might only push her further away. Maybe you'll have a different take because you seem to know your stuff when it comes to dating people with mental illnesses.

I do feel like the posts were a cry for help. She's very avoidant because of the past abuse, that part I do understand. So that could explain why she didn't just message me directly about it. Even right now, she's not doing anything to push the conversation forward. She didn't even acknowledge the apology part of my message when I initially reached back out to her.

[trvial]

Oh I forgot to address the telegraphed emotions as you put them. I found out through her social media posts and just reading through them. She posted about getting drunk with her sister and how much she "needed it" and then immediately the next day posted about how she was "the happiest she's ever been" which I know is a blatant lie. The day after that, it was the post directly about me. It said something to the effect of "I’m at that point in my life where if you choose to ignore me, don’t reply back, stop talking to me, stop being my friend for whatever the reason
I won’t get mad I wish you the best though"

[LunaLoveMeKnots]

Ahh yes, being the fact she has dealt with abuse then the "needy" that wouldn't have helped but can be overcome, now was it you talking about your future together or both of you? You have to find a way to say how you feel and what you want in an objective way, not cold but not "romantic", just be honest, you don't need to talk about grand plans or some nebulous future, just address to her where you went wrong, tell her you don't want to push her away, if you are willing to be single while she works out if she wants to pursue this with you then let her know that, never say you will wait for someone forever but if she needs time all she needs to understand that it doesn't change what she means to you, let her know that if it's about you that you didn't mean to ghost her, you thought things may be smoother with you taking a step back but perhaps were to distant, this is all easy to say but you need to pick how you say things wisely, this could come across as overbearing

[trvial]

The talk of a future was initiated by her and I reciprocated because I felt the same. I honestly couldn't imagine the thought of trying to date someone else right now, she's the only woman I can imagine myself with at the moment. She does know that I ultimately still want a relationship with her, and I would like to reiterate that to her periodically. But right now, the main thing I need to overcome with her is shortness in her messages and her not wanting to spend any time with me. That's what has me so confused here. She used to tell me absolutely everything and now it's as short of a reply as possible. Do I maybe try to carry the conversation a bit and indirectly encourage her to open up again to me or do I sit back and wait for her to want to talk to me?

[In_Trance]

She's messin with you. Blick her

[Iron_Man]

Why don’t you try to get her counseling?