Aren't there obvious differences if you cheat in a relationship vs when you're married with kids?

[Anonymous]

A couple friends and I were making comparisons of cheating when you're a relationship but no kids vs cheating when you're married with kids. Most of us thought that all though cheating is always hurtful and wrong, it's worse when you're married with kids. Only one thinks it's the same thing. I don't think so.

If they're just your boyfriend/girlfriend and there aren't any children nor shared assets, besides hurt feeling, you didn't lose much. Only the relationship gets destroyed but nothing else. If married with kids, the cheater killed a relationship, insulted their marital vows, destroyed a whole family and the consequences are bigger.

Updates

+1 y

Cheating on a girlfriend/boyfriend and no kids can't be the same as cheating a wife/husband and kids involved.

[Moose304]

There are a lot of opinions when it comes to cheating, homewrecking, and the aftereffects of it. I have been alive for 65 years. In those years I have seen very few relationships survive intact cheating by either party. Yes, you hear of some couples that seemed to get past it only to have the relationship implode 2 or 3 years later. Or worse they just become roommates and all passion is gone. To be fair some marriages where there was no cheating can devolve into that as well. In some cases, a couple will stay together for the kids. For example, I will recount a conversation I had with a Naval Officer that came back from a deployment a while back. He had just ended his last deployment and is headed to the west coast this summer to finish up 22 years and retire. He caught his wife several days after he got home. they have 3 kids 16 12 and 8. he came over to my apartment and was upset about the situation. Was telling me about the guy. He is also married and last I heard that home is about to bust up. I asked the guy do you love her? He said I do. I asked him do you think you can work it out? He said he did not think so because when he thinks about her or looks at her he sees that other man. He also expressed to me that he knows his loss of trust will at some point start to smother her. I asked him what about the kids? He started to cry. He was raised in a single-parent home after his dad left when he was about 4. he never got to do things with his dad. As far as I know, he is going to attempt to stay with her for now. But he has moved into another bedroom, just going to exist I guess until the kids are gone. She makes more money than he does so it is not about money!

[Asker]

I'm sorry to hear about the Naval Officer. Is there a way that maybe he can collect evidence of her cheating and show it to court when they divorce? I can't imagine not just finding out you get cheated on in your marriage but also deal with the visuals of actually cheating them together. Yeah he's never going to get over seeing his wife with another man in the house.
Is the wife remorseful or doesn't care too much about working it out?

[nastyb]

My experience has been different. Over my lifetime, I've seen quite a few couples who tolerate cheating. Often times this occurs in marriages where one spouse is a housewife who doesn't have the means to survive on her own. Reality is... when you've been out of work for many years, you won't look appealing to employers. Any education / skills you've received 15-20 years ago won't matter to the eyes of the employer which means you will struggle to obtain a job after the divorce. This leaves the housewife no choice but to tolerate her husband's cheating.

There are wives who agree to their husband's cheating as long as he will provide a roof over her head and food on the table for her and the kids.

[Moose304]

Her attitude seems to be "It is what it is" and wants to work on the marriage. The man lost his ability to trust her. This is why I get so damn angry at people that want to excuse cheating as something trivial. Then make hyperbolic statements about how well people are later on if they will just give the person a chance. How in the hell can you give a person another chance to rip your heart out again especially after they have destroyed your trust? Or worse start telling the partner to just lighten up and open up the relationship and both of you just screw your little hearts out with lovers you pick up. Listen, once trust is gone, the relationship is on life support and very rarely survives as it was. This comment is also a reply to the other reply!

[nastyb]

@moose304

complaining about cheating is the natural human reaction. but think of this another way:

what makes you think that you would get into a relationship with 100% guarantee that they won't rip your heart out?
why do people get into relationships thinking that things will always work out 100% of the time?

when you give your heart to someone, there will always be a risk they will break it. There is no such thing of a relationship where no such risk is. You knowingly put your heart at risk whenever you get into a relationship.

Only thing you can do is control how you respond to the cheating, rather than to expect that cheating should never ever occur.

[Moose304]

@nastyb BUT!!! It is important to remember life is always going to be a risk. The difference though is the person that cheated on you is a known quantity. A new relationship when it begins is an unknown quantity. I never said anything about 100% guarantees. The only thing I know of that is guaranteed is taxes.

With the above said, If you go search my comments you will see I was cheated on 40 years ago. I almost did not survive. I also lost my ability to trust anybody. that is the primary reason I had myself "snipped" and refused to marry. I am no longer concerned about getting hurt because I will NEVER allow a female to be in a position to hurt me ever again. As I stated in my profile, I am an asshole, but I am an honest asshole.

[nastyb]

@moose304

i was hurt over and over again too. I was traumatized a few times too. But most of the damage came from my parents. The only people I have ever loved and trusted, ended up betraying me in the worst way. After my recent experience encountering a sexual predator who tried using my feelings towards him as a way for him to use me for sex... I have officially stopped dating permanently.

Genuinely decent people are very hard to find. The most evil people have the nicest facades.

[BadApple69]

I have so many thoughts on this… the main thought is cheating doesn’t have to destroy a relationship or a marriage. After it happens there is much that needs to be fixed. Parents who love their child/children will work hard to protect those kids from the hurt that cheating causes. Cheating is harmful and the damage caused is great! But the Bible which is a great historical story book is full of forgiveness and understanding. Don’t believe in the Bible? That’s ok just know that 1 out of 5 men cheat, and 1 out of 10 women (these numbers are low). So pick 10 houses in your neighborhood and out of that 10 you’ll have 1 cheating mommy and 2 cheating daddies. In some of these cases there is ignorance but in others there is forgiveness. One thing about cheating… it is almost never hidden forever. The spouse almost always finds out.

[Dede162000]

I think cheating in a relationship is bad but not as bad as ripping a whole family apart. Kids growing up in a broken home and most likey the Cheater will stay a cheater so the kids will see women after women or man after man coming in and out of there like and that’s very very damaging

[Asker]

This exactly is what I'm trying to point out. If someone cheats in a relationship, they destroyed a relationship but at least you didn't share assets nor morgage with them and you don't have kids so you can walk away easily. There is nothing legal bonding you guys. But if kids are involved, they aren't just destroying you but the innocent kids too.

[Dede162000]

Yup I totally agree yes it still hurts if it’s just a relationship but you don’t have to worry you have trama but you don’t have to see the perosn spend money on a divorce no kids. You walk away perfectly fine. In every aspect but feelings wise.

[nastyb]

I actually knew a guy who grew up with a cheating father. The mother knew the father was cheating but they never told the kids about it until they were grown. The parents never divorced because they were religious catholics who didn't believe in divorce. But he said that his father had the best time of his life sleeping around with other women. None of the women ever came into the home but I'm sure he went to their houses and spent on hotel rooms.

[Dede162000]

That’s messed right up. I’d never be able to do that. I’ve been cheated on by every guy I’ve ever been with and that shit destroys you even more once you’ve had there kid.

[nastyb]

@Dede162000

what if you couldn't leave your cheating husband. Imagine you've been a housewife for 15 years. You haven't worked a job in 15 years. Any education or skills you obtained 15 years ago is now completely irrelevant in the eyes of the employer. Now you can't get a job. Or if you are lucky enough to be able to obtain a job, you could barely afford to support your children. This is another reason why some women tolerate cheating.

this is also the difference between dating and marriage. With marriage, comes responsibilities. You can't ditch whenever you feel like it any more. This is what people don't understand about divorce.

[Dede162000]

@nastyb
And what people don’t realize about marriage is you don’t step out. That’s why all women need some sort of job so if the man decides to be a worthless human and step out she can leave. Women can’t expect everything to be given to them. Men cheat women cheat. Make sure from the get go you have your own life. It’s there own fault if they can’t get out. Be responsible not everyone stays in your life. Can’t rely on a single perosn. And it’s not “ditching when ever you feel like it” the man or women makes the promises to be loyal if you can’t be loyal don’t have kids or having a relationship. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[nastyb]

@Dede162000

here is another problem: When couples buy a house... they usually take out a mortgage together. This means that both spouses work jobs to contribute to monthly mortgage payments. And one spouse might not be able to afford to pay the mortgage every month all by themselves. If the couple divorces, this means its only 1 person contributing to the mortgage. So they're unable to afford the mortgage anymore. Now this person might lose the house all together.

this is why divorce doesn't happen in some circumstances.

i know everyone on here loves encouraging divorce when it is necessary. But these are things that you all aren't realizing.

[Dede162000]

In reality I think someone who cheats deserve to be burnt alive I said what I said. Shit happens. What happens when someone looses there job they could loose the house but they figure it out. 🤦🏼‍♀️ just don’t be the scum of the earth or just don’t get married no one is worth putting your all in them. It takes one man or women being cunning for an entire marriage to be gone. And if not just separate. Be roommates. Don’t stay with someone who is cheating on you

[nastyb]

@Dede162000

Just because someone doesn't cheat, it doesn't mean they are a good person. And just because someone cheats, it doesn't necessarily mean they are a bad person.

If someone doesn't cheat, it simply means they are too in love to cheat. All their needs are met. It does not mean that they won't harm other people. I have seen the worst people that are faithfully married who treat their spouses like gold but are evil and treat others like crap.

on the other hand, I also have seen good hearted people who cheat because they are stuck in abusive marriages where they get never got any attention, love or intimacy from their spouses. You can say... if you're unhappy in your marriage then why not divorce? divorce is not that simple and easy. your life can very well be worse after divorcing your cheating spouse.

[Dede162000]

Then don’t get married 🤷🏼‍♀️ you see red flags before the marriage trust me at least one perosn has told you not to do it and you did it anyway. People cheat bc they wnat too. The partner coukd be doing everything in there power to keep someone happy and they still cheat. Bc “grass is greener on the other side” it’s fucked up. Honestly relationships are pointless

[nastyb]

@Dede162000

you won't know who you're married to until YEARS after the wedding.
My mother never found out about my dad's terrible temper until 10 years after marriage. When he was growing up, all his siblings hated him due to his explosive temper.
I had to grow up facing his violent temper and abuse.

[nastyb]

[The partner coukd be doing everything in there power to keep someone happy and they still cheat.]

In vast majority of cheating cases, the cheating partner is usually unfulfilled to a certain extent. Truth is... not all spouses are attentive to each other's needs.

[Dede162000]

I can tell you from experience they can get everything they ask for everything they want and they still cheat. All bc “ there bodies not hot enough”

[nastyb]

@Dede162000

that is true but thats not true for most cases of cheating.

In most cases of cheating, the partner is unfulfilled to a certain extent.

[Dede162000]

Actually most cheating cases are just men or women being bored. Has nothing to do with the other perosn

[nastyb]

@Dede162000

its usually not boredom. Its usually lack of fulfillment. Usually happens when one spouse is emotionally disconnected to the other. Or one spouse is withholding sex/ intimacy. Or one spouse never compliments the other spouse anymore. Or they never go out on dates anymore. The possibilities goes on...

but most cases of cheating occurs when there are problems in a relationship / marriage. It rarely occurs in a happy fulfilling marriage.

[nastyb]

@Dede162000

cheating can also happen when your boyfriend is not passionate about you anymore. Or if he has a narcissistic need for attention.

[Dede162000]

Okay clearly you’ve been around a lot of cheating. Bc it’s not the other persons fault that there partner cheated. Doesn’t matter how unhappy you are you don’t go to another perosn if your in a relationship

[Dede162000]

And see why cheat. Just leave especially if it’s boyfriend girlfriend. Get the fuck out of there. Hi be happy don’t destroy someone for your own gain

[Dede162000]

And If the other partner is cheating and wants to stay they better let the other one cheat. (Don’t dish out what you can’t eat)

[nastyb]

@Dede162000

But I can tell you that some of the most evil people that I have ever met are faithfully married individuals. Please don't assume that just because someone doesn't cheat then it means they are a good person. Also don't assume that just because if someone cheats then it must mean they are a bad person.

[nastyb]

[Okay clearly you’ve been around a lot of cheating. Bc it’s not the other persons fault that there partner cheated. ]

I never said it was the right thing to cheat. Its just that you have a hard time accepting the fact that most cheating occurs when there is a lack of fulfillment in a relationship.

[Dede162000]

I have I’ve been cheated on by every guy and every guy says it’s bc of my body. They said I have them the world that’s what they cheated instead of left

[nastyb]

@Dede162000

I don't know you so I can't tell you exactly why you've been cheated on so much. But it could be that you pick the wrong men to date. Work on your filters for picking the right men. And try to find out why he is dating you instead of just blindly "dating " him. Nowadays, not everyone dates because of romance or passion. There are a lot of men who only date for sex.

[Dede162000]

Oh I’m done dating. Fuck the relationship scene it’s bullshit. No man wants a girl shaped like me. I gave up a while ago.

[nastyb]

When you're married and have a house and mortgage and children under both your names, it is becomes very difficult to divorce. There are a lot of responsibilities that come with marriage. Its not some playground relationship where you can ditch whenever you feel like it anymore.

[RavVid]

It is just as repugnant morally but the consequences are more pronounced - that's all. A further advancement is cheating and getting pregnant to the lover and telling the husband it is his or letting him assume that.

A little worse is having three kids say two to your husband and one to your lover

Or you could get pregnant to another man, let your husband assume it is his, then decide you don't like being a mom and leave home while he is at work never to be seen again. A woman of my acquaintance did that. Sadly the "father" doesn't know.

You can always do something with a little worse consequences from the same immoral act.

[Asker]

Yes that's even more disgusting. A husband getting his affair partner pregnant but expecting his wife to still work on the marriage is also disgusting.

[RavVid]

Completely agree. It is a very intimate form of betrayal that breaks lives but because the damage is "just" emotional hurt there are no consequences.

[ZXCwWRQWz]

Assuming it ruins the relationship, I would definitely consider it far more immoral for a person to cheat with kids than without. The kids additionally suffer in that case and they're completely innocent, no matter how complex or turbulent the relationship.

[ZXCwWRQWz]

I'm not really usually into trying to measure what's worst though in these contexts. Cheating in any case, and especially under marriage oath with or without children, is an ultimate deception. So I already assign it a very negative weight with or without kids on the sheer deception of it.

[ZXCwWRQWz]

One of the problems I see though with the idea that cheating is less harmful before kids than after is that the person who thinks that way before has no compelling reason to steer them away from the habit after they have kids.

[Asker]

Indeed with marriage under oath and/or a legal document through the government official (if they're non-believers), yeah the cheater just risked it all and did a lot more deception right there. It's no longer about just hurting your poor girlfriend/boyfriend's feeling.

[Kinkyhubby]

Cheating when dating may only hurt one person, the person you cheated one. When married, you broke your vow, you broke the trust of someone you supposedly love foe the rest of your life, you broke the life you where building together, you broke their dreams, and not only hurt you spouse, and make them question everything, you are going to hurt the kids, and that could have a lasting impact

[Camelia7012]

Even without children or being married, being cheated is very hurtful. It does a lof damage on victim. You lost self esteem about yourself, you feel like you re a trash, and a unimportant person. There is a lot to build up after being cheated on. You have to take on you to trust again too. Its very hard.
So its add more issues and troubles when you have children but the victim will have the same pain.
Its just that it hurt too their children and maybe their family like parents.

[Sanser]

I think one is as bad as the other situation... but being married has more consequences... Cheaters gonna cheat, if they are in a relationship or married, they don't know what the word commitment is. Only when they really suffer is when they tend to know how awful they are and maybe then, they can be trusted. The harm is the same, the consecuences are worst.

[Asker]

If the consequences are worst when someone is married with kids then there is more harm done. It isn't just harm to you (if you were just in a relationship and no kids) but to the kids too, a whole family destroyed.

[MrKinktastic]

Both are pretty horrible but with kids in your picture you’re cheating on them too which is so much worse in my opinion

[D_Bone_Steak]

Cheaters are gonna cheat... simply put. Listen to their stories and if they got cheating in those stories... you know damn what they'll end up doing. It's just a matter of time... they don't change. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

[LiamJHayden]

Cheaters are garbage. That said, there is obviously a large difference between cheating on a faithful spouse of two decades with whom you've raised children and cheating on a boyfriend or girlfriend of a week.

[Asker]

Exactly. At least if it's just a relationship, you can walk away easily. If it's within the marriage and kids, the harm isn't just done to you but to the poor kids.

[Blueeyes81]

Thats like saying killing someone when you're over the age of 18 is way worse vs when you kill some one when you're under 18. The outcome is still the same but the consequences you face aren't. Thats a pretty selfish mindset.

[Asker]

Why is cheating always compared to murder, which is an actually criminal act?

[Blueeyes81]

Scaled up. We can scale it down if you prefer. The point remains the same. You're basing the same act upon consequences. The worse the consequences, the worse the act committed. When in reality the act remains the same. Again a selfish mindset. To me the acts remain =.

[sheenagwapa]

the worst for me is chratinh on a soulmate especially if fhere are mystical signs involve and yoy still cheat so yeah go fuck your besyfriend and get the fuck lut of my life

[WanderingLoveWizard]

The evil of the act itself is the same, but the consequences are worse when you're married with kids, yes

[Nikki1989]

Nope, cheating is cheating. Both situations are equally bad.

[RingOfFire]

So if you murder someone who has no kids at least it isn't as bad as murdering someone who has them?

[Asker]

Why is cheating always compare to murder? That's extreme.

[RingOfFire]

Sometimes you need an extreme example to make a point. The point is that I think you are rationalizing cheating. When you murder someone's heart, whether you have kids with them or not, it is just as evil and wrong.

[Asker]

I'm not rationalizing cheating. I did said cheating is always wrong. The only difference is the consequences are worse if you've been cheating on after 15 years of marriage and have kids. You're not the only one they hurt; they also hurt the kids. They destroyed a whole family. That has more consequences than cheating on your boyfriend/girlfriend of 2-3 years and no kids.

[RingOfFire]

There may be less consequences, but not sure what the point is. Even if there are no consequences, a crime is still a crime.

[SolitarySolace]

Regardless of whether you have kids with someone or not if they cheat it’s still cheating and they should still divorce you for it

[Luopio27]

Cheating in a relationship is just as wrong as cheating in marriage or after getting kids.

[Asker]

Yes it is wrong but the consequences are different. If they cheat on a relationship, the cheater loses you and you can walk away easily, anytime without complicated paperworks. If they cheated after being married for 15 years and with kids, they didn't just hurt you... they hurt the kids too since they will then be raised in a broken home.

[Luopio27]

You are right that it is more complicated in marriage. And as for families, it is wrong as hell to the kids growing up knowing the parents they love hurt. One parent cheating, other parent getting cheated on.

[brandon1122]

That's true. But the other person is hurt in the end

[Asker]

Yet I imagine the hurt is multiplied by 100X when their selfish actions hurt the children too. You're more hurt over the fact that now the children will have a broken, separated family since you can't just move on with your life easily and walk away forever. You're stuck with the children and if they're underage, then you still have to maintain some contact with the cheater if it pertains to the child's needs, education, etc.

[clampfan101]

People simply shouldn’t cheat at all, regardless of the status.

[normandi]

I think cheating is a disease or an addiction if it in her blood she will never stop no matter what

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Cheating is cheating.

[Sabretooth]

More are hurt.

[Itsme68]

Its not good whoever he or she is.

[Anonymous]

It is not cheating if you use a rubber