Possibility , boundaries and how do I?

[livishay]

The possibility of being more than friends from a guy’s perspective.
Giving my ex boundaries (which is new for me) and I asked him if there could be more than friends between us in the future. He answered it’s a possibility.
Still call once a week (cause men need to be respected, which is also a new thing to me coming from the other end of the relationship.)
Which I have posted before and gotten really nice advice but now it’s to this. Praying everyday I don’t mess this up.
So after the perspective is answered , how do I maintain it to where the possibility can be a definite?

[Oliverlogan263]

Wow, that's a really tricky situation you're in. On one hand, it's good that your ex said there's a possibility of being more than friends in the future - that means he's at least open to the idea once things have had more time to cool off. But I know how hard it is wanting to turn that "possibility" into a definite yes!

From a guy's perspective, I think the most important thing is to respect his boundaries like you've been doing. Only talking once a week shows him that you're giving him space, which is super important if he's going to want to get closer to you again someday. Definitely don't pressure him into hanging out more or bringing up being in a relationship - that'll probably just push him further away.

When you do talk, I'd keep the conversations casual and friendly. Ask how he's been and what's new, but don't interrogate him about your status or if he's dating anyone else. You want him to enjoy talking to you as a friend first before thinking about more. Compliment him if he shares he's been doing well in other parts of his life too - positive reinforcement never hurts!

Give it more time too. Even if you feel ready to date again, he may still be working through stuff on his end. As long as he keeps the communication open once a week, I'd say that's a good sign. In a month or two if he's still calling and the talks remain friendly, you could gently bring up catching up in person for a coffee or something. But take it super slow after that too.

The best thing you can do is show him he can trust you again without drama or pressure. If you prove you're a reliable friend he knows he can count on, the "possibility" might turn into a definite as he realizes what he's missing out on. I know it's hard, but playing the long game here is probably your best bet at winning him back in the end. Just my two cents - hope it helps give you a guy's perspective! Let me know if any other questions come up.

[livishay]

I love your advice, always. It helps me so much!!

[livishay]

I can’t message you!! But we should be friends!

[Oliverlogan263]

Aw thanks, I'm happy I could help! Most definitely we can 🙂

I’m sorry about that, I’ll message you myself

[Messiah89]

Just play it cool an relax, young guys are hard workers trying to make thier marknon the world an have a hard time with relationships cause they are by nature foundation layers. So give him some time some space, an if I was a girl I would work on myself education gym get out an explore etc. Don't let your world freeze for another cause he will need things to talk about other that relationship stuff if he has a hobby make it yours etc find grounds for convo an have a opinion don't always agree with him guys like someone who can have a convo about anything. Good luck

[livishay]

I have definitely been working on myself, gym 3-4 times a week until I got to the weight I wanted. But I do work 6 days a week and since we broke I was such a mess and literally begged for months and now I fixen to have my own home (without him) I’m doing really well for myself, by myself. So this is an act of love from my end like I don’t need you, I want you.
I am willing to give time and space. I’ve always been great with communication, I’m just a little shy now about things but I overtalk at the same time. Cause I’m nervous but so happy In his presence. Does that make sense?

[Messiah89]

Yes it makes total sense when your like that it's a butterfly feeling an like I said just do you work on yourself two things can happen either you get his attention because he will evaluate his area of women when his ready an will go with what he wants, an you will be ready on your own doing your own thing etc, or a great guy will come along an hit you like a Mach truck lol the best way I can say to get out of the shyness is try to get him to talk or talk about something your passionate about like a craft or skill something you have confidence in.

[livishay]

I think I’ve already gotten his attention cause he has mentioned a couple things but ok I will do just that. I would love for it to work out.. I haven’t gotten into my place yet, not the may 1st. So I haven’t even given myself a chance to see what it’s like by myself.
But the butterfly feeling is definitely there. I just think about what he’s thinking about when I’m not around.
Also when he said possibly about us.. I immediately shut down. My thought process shifted to more and I’m trying to calm it down.
It’s been really hard & I don't know if I should date after this for a while because I don’t know if I have the energy

[Messiah89]

You should date, but also enjoy your place alone. Dating will build confidence and being a lot has its peace etc. But sitting an feeling like that you are like that squirrel on over the hedge your gonna explode. I been there before you got a lot of energy do something with it.

[livishay]

Dating just doesn’t seem interesting right now just because everything feels new to me. It’s been awhile since I’ve been single and I’m picky when it comes to men.
But being by myself sounds rewarding after everything. I like going out but just with my girlfriends where I can be myself ya know?

[Messiah89]

Do what makes you happy, in life I learned never be who you aren't or you will get problems you know nothing about. Just have fun with your friends an enjoy the single life don't be in a rush with any guy.

[livishay]

Thank you so much for your advice it’s very helpful and I appreciate it so much! I’m sure this won’t be the last advice I ask :) thank you. This has helped me!

[Messiah89]

Well this site helped me long ago in my younger years when i needed answers so happy to help Give me a follow an ask anytime. Catch ya on the flip side

[livishay]

Ok thank you :) I appreciate it so much. I can’t seem to get good advice with the people around me instead of making me feel bad

[Squatting_Slav]

Good question, what happens in the first place to cause the split between you both?

He clearly sees a potential with you in the near future. Guys like their boundaries being respected and met so just understand that and when you message him no presumptions, pressure or drama. Keep it cool, casual, fun and flirty be the girl the any man would want. That will set you apart from all the other girls he may be talking to...

additionally, with the distance it will give you both time to Miss eachother it will give him to realise what he will be losing.

[livishay]

I brought my last relationship into ours. I had a lot of problems and put it on him. Controlling, jealousy, being rude and I lost interest in him touching me etc. I don’t mean for it to be that way but after 3 years he had enough of it.
After our break up like 3 weeks he started talking to other women. And I begged him everyday for awhile and it’s been 3 months now.
He told me he didn’t Iove me anymore and didn’t have feelings and he was so angry with me. We would threaten to leave each other etc. then I finally did. I think we both had enough of everything but I realized what I was doing and wanted to get better. When we talk now, I’m super kind and he said he can’t forget what happened and how I treated him.
So I got my own place and started progressing in my own life. Now he asks the call once a week and I’ll be honest a lot runs through my mind. Like if he is talking to others.. but when I spoke to him Saturday we talked about being friends and the possibility of being more.
I care and love him so much and I’ve changed while we been broken up but I have more to change about myself.
And I’ve never had to deal with boundaries so it’s all new to me. And he’s 9 years younger than I am but he’s so mature for his age.
I can be flirty but I don’t want to over due it.
And I can be that woman , I just get so nervous around him I’m like bouncing off the walls when I’m with him. I laugh and smile and he doesn’t so I’m not sure how to even flirt with him anymore.

[livishay]

Oh and he did bring up “friends” with other people and I’m like that’s no big deal. Which it was a detailed conversation. It was about us then he switched it to being friends with other people and I’m like ok. I don't know it was confusing. And I’m like so you was talking to multiple women and he’s like yeah, I used to. And I’m like ok.. is he saying that to make me jealous cause he brought it up?
When I told him I got a new house he’s like that’s good and I treat him as if he is a good friend. Silly and corky but he’s just offish which I understand.
But he wants his stuff out of my storage but after I sort it out at my new place.

[Squatting_Slav]

Okay this all makes sense and puts things into perspective...

I was in a very similar position my ex would get very jealous, would push me away then suddenly demand my time when I was busy etc bringing her last relationship into mine. After 4 years I has enough and called it off blocked her on everything but that's because i let it brew for too long.

What would have made it work is more kindness and less jealousy and more boundaries for space and honesty etc. the flirting aspect comes when he feels safer with you and feels more comfortable with confidence knowing that you won't revert back to the old ways like my ex did. If she made feel comfortable and safe it would have worked out... it's the consistency of it, make us feel comfortable 100% of the time bot when it suits haha. Yes if you're upset and annoyed tell us! Let us know but in a communicative way that we can listen etc there are ways if addressing the negatives in a positive way

[livishay]

I definitely don’t plan on going back to my old ways. I’m changing for the better and I’m sorry to hear that you went through the same thing.

I am willing to make him feel safe and show him my kindness. I feel like I never really did. And now I’m asking for a second chance praying he will give it to me. But it takes time like you said.
I don’t wanna be jealous or mean anymore I want to be happy.
I have learned from my mistakes and I would love to show him!

Gosh I didn’t realize other people have dealt with women like me. I am more than happy to have that chance with him. I can prove myself 100%

[Squatting_Slav]

Thank you, it's all okay I still care about her even though she really made me miserable.
I hope it works out wiht you, this is really positive and mature of you he will really see you're changing and becoming better!

[ChicoFromThe305]

Why does he only call once a week, I'm not saying he has to call more but if the interest is strong along with the connection, isn't once a week a bit spacey, I guess would be the best way to describe it

[livishay]

He wants me to call once a week…he said I really hurt him and maybe it’s his way of trying to become emotionally available with me again?

[ChicoFromThe305]

Woah hold up, back it up, how did you hurt him, you kinda left that out of your paragraph

[livishay]

I was just really bossy and controlling, jealous a lot and I wasn’t always nice. I let my past get into our relationship thinking he’s always doing something. Asking a lot of what ifs and just pushed him away til he broke up with me. So I’m changing myself for myself. But I would love for him to notice cause he is my best friend

[ChicoFromThe305]

Well that kinda changes everything and kinda answers why he's so spacey, it seems he's keeping a distance from you, talk is cheap and thats the truth, I'd say your best way to higher your chances of getting him back is to show him change not just say it, youve probably said you'd change several times haven't you? You are probably serious this time and it's possible he simply just isn't convinced, you can start by letting him breathe, you aren't constantly hitting him up are you?

[livishay]

Yes I have said it multiple times. And I understand why he feels the way he feels… and I was a lot but I’ve slowed down and I want to respect him and do the once a week thing so he knows I have respected him and I’m not who I used to be. I am more than welcome to prove it

[livishay]

But I begged him for almost 3 months and now he has finally given me the boundaries and I will respect them. It’s just been really hard

[ChicoFromThe305]

The importance is that you want to change and are making the effort to change, it will take time to adjust but when you do it will be easier and that will make it easier for you to show your change, no matter the results if you end up with him or not, you've learned something and you can put efforts to not repeat it and that is something, just don't fold