Have I been lied too?

[Anonymous]

A couple of months ago my husband told me something that broke something inside me... a little back story... me and my husband got married almost 2 years ago and became open like 4 months before getting married. Well a couple of months ago we were talking about us being open revising some rules we had so that it could fit us better and he told me "the real reason I wanted us to be open is so that I could cheat without it being cheating." And I looked at him like what in the actual fck... I brushed it off cause I thought maybe he was joking... I bring it up again to see if he was fcking with me and he said no that's the truth... and I honestly it broke my heart.. I don't know what to do cause I still love him so much but like it feels like he lied to me because of why we became open, I thought it was so we could explore and learn new things as a couple and separately... this has been swirling around in my head and I've pushed it back but it's bothering me a lot lately...

[RavVid]

Well I think this illustrates the problem with being open. Somebody is sure to get hurt including the relationship.

You haven't been lied to in that you have known what is going on. If your husband's statement was rephased as "the real reason I wanted us to be open is so that I could have sex with other girls without it being cheating." is it so different?

There is a slightly different sense to 'I could cheat' than to 'I could have sex with other girls'.

If instead of saying 'I'm having sex with Julie tonight and will be back at 8' he swung past Julie and said he had to work back late it is not materially different. Some people get a kick out of nefarious sex and maybe thinking of it as cheating tickles his sex circuitry. Conversely that is likely to make the partner feel cheated on I guess in equal measure. (Porn is more exciting as solitary experience for me than watching it with a girlfriend).

Is your adverse reaction along these lines or something different? I suppose you could potentially accept he likes a nefarious spin to circumstances. If you felt you were inducted into this lifestyle you could feel worse than deceived.

[WindAtMyBack]

But that's what an open marriage is - cheating without cheating. Putting it in different words doesn't change what it is.

You agreed to get into an open marriage. What did you think you were getting into?

"I thought it was so we could explore and learn new things as a couple and separately"

In other words, cheating. You have nobody to blame except yourself. He's been cheating. You've been cheating. That's what you agreed to.

[PeachyPie93]

Sorry but I kind of think its funny, you were hurt by that. Of course that is what all open relationships are, Cheating without cheating. Any man that truly loved you will only want you and defo would not want other men touching you. Seems crazy to me that you wouldn't know that. I only know 2 couples that had open relationships, and both times one of the partners left them for someone they were fucking on the side and the other partner gets hurt, like they honestly didn't think that would ever happen. I just don't get it because it seems obvious that the person who opens the relationship just has ulterior motives.

[DishLady]

Why get married if you chose “open” BEFORE you got married? 🤦🏻‍♀️

[DishLady]

Just don’t get married then! 😒

[Emanon25]

But you said you had an open relationship before getting married, wasn’t that what you expected?

[Asker]

I'd expect my husband to fuck me too

[Emanon25]

He doesn’t?

[Asker]

Once a month if that

[Emanon25]

What?

[Asker]

He only has sex with me once a month sometimes not at all

[Emanon25]

That awful

[Asker]

I know that's why I'm like I don't know wtf to do with this cause I've talked to him about it and nothing changes

[Emanon25]

Leave him for a week.

[Emanon25]

You can dm if you want

[Jessikaah91]

Yuck, the fact he said that.. girl RUNNN!

[andreasderjuengere]

You had lied to yourself, I'd say.

[Anonymous]

😆😆😆