I feel lonely. How do I stop it turning me into a horrible negative person?

[Crimsyjo]

I' feel jealous of the guy i like cuddling his girlfriend at night.

I feel fed up of putting on an act of positivity for casual sex guys.

I just want to give and receive love and companionship. And not online! There's loads of great people online. But it's like a fantasy life and it's not same.

I do go out socially. But it just highlights my loneliness going alone and I don't get joy from it really. I can't think of anything to do that would be fun and bring me joy.

I feel obsessed with wanting to find a bond with a guy I am attracted to. I get offers but not from anyone I could like romantically.

Now I feel so negative and unhappy I don't think I can even talk to anybody! I'm going to come across so draining with bad energy!!

[ohsheeT]

No this is one of the best questions I've seen in a long time because it's real and it's straight to the point and it's honest and I think a lot of us are going to the same thing

By doing exactly what you're doing

I mean I know I am but you have to realize you're fed up with it you're tired of it but you have to understand it this is only a moment in time you have to keep going forward no matter what otherwise you will become that bitter person.. and you're right it does get old you want the real deal we all do but you can't just give up because that puts you in the wrong mood takes you down the wrong roads and it takes too much time and energy to get back so you just have to be patient keep going forward and reinvent yourself

I mean I like being myself but I know I have to keep going forward and if I'm fed up or tired of it all I just even bit myself I'd become a naughtier boys than I am now LOL and I become a little slut lmao and if I can find that person that has that same energy or that same match whether it's online or in a club or whatever it kind of brings me back to reality after that night's over and I start all over again no that's just a fantasy too LOL.. yeah this moment will pass things will get better only if you allow them to and you got to keep going forward never stop

[Juxtapose]

"I get offers but not from anyone I could like romantically."

That's your mistake right there. You are writing people off who are offering themselves to you and going after people who don't want anything serious with you.

[Crimsyjo]

I know but it's outside my control. To sound harsh for purpose sake... but if someone would make me physically vomit at the idea of them touching me... how can I consider a relationship with them? Why would I waste either of our time? There are guys who I am not instantly 100% attracted to but can see potential I would give them a chance. But when u 100% know that's it's a no way not ever... ?

[Juxtapose]

You're extremely beautiful, especially for your age (I'm being serious and not trying to passive aggressively insult you) and you can't find any guys who you like who like you back?

[Juxtapose]

I'm autistic and I have had options I turned down which I should not have. I imagine you should get many, many suitors (I would hit on you if I lived closer). Maybe you live in a bad area?

[Crimsyjo]

Really? I'm very very surprised you say that 🤗. And i know your authentic here so would have no issue saying something different. You are kinda gut I would fins attractive too. But then your also in the age group that I find very attractive physically! Maybe that's my problem? I see so many good looking young guys it's hard not to compare to older guys.. but I AM realistic too. I swear! I don't mind an older guys body. My last boyfriend was not "slim" or ripped or whatever. He had bad teeth. His hairline was receding. But he had gorgeous blue eyes and nice strong jaw and the more I looked at him the more I loved looking at him. Even the wrinkles around his eyes I found attractive. He was 37.
So when I look at a guy in the over 36 age... I look for different qualities than looking at a handsome 25 year old. I don't think I have a type as such. Mostly I want a man that looks protective. Doesn't have to have gym muscles. I find that a bit much anyways. It's just... omg.. I wish I could show you!! Terrible profiles where they are scruffy looking. Dirty. Look like alcoholics some of them! Or fat. Like obese fat not just "dad bod" level which is fine. And old. So many guys at 35 already look 50. And even dress looking like a grandpa!! I love love young guys how they dress. How they talk. The energy. Life. Passion. I want a guy like me! Sure he is late 30's or early 40's but feeling fun and vibrant!
But then... those types are so fun they only looking for fun!! Urgh. I don't know.
So yeah. Sorry this is getting long. Guys my age are EITHER very badly unattractive. OR attractive but only looking for sex. OR attractive but don't want me. Maybe wanting younger women is my best guess? A 40 Yr old man prob wants a 30's woman. So do I go for men 55 and above? If they look 50 at 35 just imagine what a 55 year old looks like lol. And do you think they will he able to keep me satisfied in bed? With my level of horny? And liking for... non vanilla... things?

[Unit1]

That was her way of saying "The one's, that want me are unattractive to me", which is a valid point. You too wouldn't want to have a hideous girl as a girlfriend.

[Crimsyjo]

@Unit1 ^ yes. And it's not meant to be mean. It's just not possible to "like" someone enough sexually to be with them no matter how great a friend or person they may be. It's sad but true.

[Unit1]

I wonder if I belong to that group of males despite being called handsome

[Juxtapose]

Aww 🤗 thank you too & yes you're gorgeous and can hold an interesting conversation. I like your attitude and looks, so it'd be an easy yes from me.

But yeah, you hopefully should be able to find a chill guy with youthful, creative energy to him. I definitely feel a lot more personal charisma when I have that energy in me.

I am personally a pretty open-minded and **lewd** person but I know how to be polite, as hopefully you can see haha. I would suggest trying to find someone who has that energy, has that intelligence, has that looks and high sex drive. I can see what you mean with the guys looking older or not putting any effort in, shame on them!

But to reiterate, you're a catch for someone like me and I am sure there are people similar to me in that way out there. Best of luck to both of us.

[AI Opinion]

I’m here to help you find your compass in the chaos of emotions! Feeling lonely and longing for deep connections is totally natural, and it's not a red flag, just a heart wearing its yearning on its sleeve. Maybe try engaging in activities that you enjoy or exploring new hobbies. Embrace those moments, and let happiness find you halfway. Love is a dance, my friend, and sometimes we have to lead ourselves to brighter places, one step at a time! Keep that chin up and eyes sparkling! 💫

[Finchie40]

All we can do in life is take chances , and try to put all negativity behind us as much as possible , I know it’s easier said than done , but we can only give what we hope to receive in return, we can’t force anyone to love us and to be what we want them to be , so it’s best just to be yourself and focus on what you want out of a relationship with someone , if they can’t give back the same that we are giving , then it’s best for you to walk away , and eventually start over again with someone else. Most of us encounter bad seeds until we meet a good one , life is like 2 sides of a coin , we either go for Heads or tails and take the chance. If you choose heads and it lands on tails , oh well try again. For any of us to find true love , we have to give the same way we want to receive , and by doing that , you have to learn to remove selfishness inside of yourself , if you can’t remove selfishness , don’t expect someone else to remove it for you. Not one person on this planet is perfect , we are all imperfect people , so if you can’t accept someone else’s’ flaws , don’t expect them to accept yours , it needs to go both ways for any relationship to survive and for love to continue to grow between 2 people. , choose them the same way you want them choosing you , if they don’t , then move on , it was just a chance you took. I experience it a lot with girls’ especially these days , if I am attracted to a girl , I just Go for it , and take the chance that she may possibly be on the same page as me , if she chooses to lie , that’s her problem not mine. And she will suffer the consequences of her own selfish actions of I find out she was lying to me. So my advice to you is to just be honest , to a guy that you are attracted to , and just go with the flow , if you find out he was lying to you , oh well , thanks for a good time but not a long time. And move on , by you being honest will open a lot more opportunities for you and give you a better chance of finding true love.

[Crimsyjo]

I think I'm always honest. I'm upfront with what I'm looking for. I do temper my sexual side so it's not at the forefront.
Do you think i should give guys my age - that I find attractive - a shot even if they seem all about sex? Can relationship start off just about sex but then grow? I mean. I presume they will either be thanks for good time not long time. OR think if it starts as sex then I can't be girlfriend material.
But the guy I do really like who is too young for me and can't have - we started off all fantastic sex that grew into a deeper emotional bond and now nearly a year later a friendship. He has a girlfriend that's why the sex had to stop. But anyways... maybe I put too many rules and restrictions up? Cos we girls are taught that men won't see us as long term material if we give up sex too easily or too quickly.

[Finchie40]

You don’t have to give up sex to easily , but understand sex is important to guys’ that’s pretty much how we feel closer to a girl , but other than sex , we want to feel wanted and appreciated and valued and respected , when a guy doesn’t feel respected by a girl , he will more than likely leave her or cheat on her with someone else that he feels treats him better and treats him with respect , Respect is crucial for most of us guys’ we cherish girls’ that know how to respect us and value us , that only have eyes for us , a girl that treats us with kindness and love , that makes it clear to him that she only wants him and no one else. Now if you are doing all of that for him and he still cheats on you? Then you aren’t the problem , he is , and you have every right to walk away from that selfish pos. A good guy isn’t going to cheat on a girl that values and respects him , that makes him her top priority. That gives to him the same way he gives to her. Guys’ want intimacy and affection he wants a girl that comes to his arms , that stays by his side , that makes it clear that no other guy has her interest but his. That doesn’t with hold intimacy and affection from him without a valid reason to do so. He wants a partner not a user , a girl that works with him that has his back the same way he will have hers. I know there are a lot of bad seeds out there but eventually you will find a good one that chooses you the same way you choose them. Learn to remove selfishness and learn to accept that you can’t always be right and he is wrong , wear his shoes the same way you want him wearing yours before making decisions, any decision you make make sure he is included , don’t just assume you know the answer. Most guys’ don’t give a fuck if his girl goes out with friends as long as he feels respected and loved by her , if he doesn’t want you going out with friends’ then find out what is bothering him and find out what his reasons are before just assuming he is being

[Finchie40]

Insecure and jealous , which sadly most of you girls’ do , oh he doesn’t trust me he is trying to control me , it has nothing to do with that , it’s mainly because he feels disrespected by you. If your partner doesn’t like some of your friends’ listen to him , don’t just assume he is crazy and insecure. And trying to control you , your friends’ should never be a priority over your partner and he will more than likely do the same for you. Never make your partner feel excluded from anything , he doesn’t have to hold your hand everywhere you go , but never exclude him , when you have friends that easily exclude your partner , they aren’t friends ‘ they are toxic friends , a good friend will support your relationship and your happiness a bad friend will not. I just dealt with this with my ex , that chose her toxic friend over me , when I tried talking to her about why I felt the way that I do , she got all defensive and moody with me , calling me insecure and jealous , I just laughed and shook my head and said Go have a blast then but don’t get upset with me when I go do the same. Her friendship with this girl was very shady compared to her other friends’ to the point I told her she is not the girl I want to be with and ended it with her , just yesterday my ex apologized to me and said she was sorry that she should of listened to me , because her so called amazing friend was toxic and she confessed she did pull her away from me. I accepted her apology but I told her it doesn’t mean we are back together , I need time to think about this shit , to the point I thought to myself No fucking way am I taking her selfish ass back into my life , she chose not to listen to what I had to say so she dug her own grave with that shit. I am not her convenience. So I told her No , I just want to be friends , but the romance between us is gone. Go find someone else cuz I plan on doing the same.

[Crimsyjo]

I'm glad you didn't take your ex back. From your other posts she went way too far to ever apologise or be forgiven.
As for what you say about guys and respect. I get all that. I tend to be too giving because I do make my guy my world and I do choose him over friends and stuff. My issue thos te round being single is getting PAST the chat online stage. And then past the sex and into relationship stage. I haven't even had a chance to test out all your theories lol.
My last brief boyfriend was jealous and insecure. But I can deal with that. Guys are always that way with me and I am kinda used to it. To the point I feel concerned if a guy isn't jealous cos then like does he not care about me and fund me attractive he's not worried of other guys looking at me? But that's a me issue. I've been learning about myself and done a lot of self growth this past year. I'm ready for something real and genuine and lasting. I'm worried so many guys have been treated badly tho they won't even give women a chance no more?

[Finchie40]

Don’t sell yourself short , most guys’ experienced bad seeds as well , that are looking for a good seed as well, they are out there just seems harder to find these days

[IslaTheWitch]

it's a kind of fixation... "I want it my way", "I want this or that guy"

it happens... the more stubborn you are, the longer it takes to return to a more or less balanced state...

you like someone who is in the relationship... or simply doesn't want you... it happens...

can you change it? no... can you change him? no... but you can change yourself
you can change the way you feel, you can change the way you let things bother you...

is it easy? no... all really important things in life are fuckingly hard... but they are worth it...

so give yourself a chance to feel better...

[Crimsyjo]

I know!! I'm trying. We've come to a more level friendship place. It's comforting. But I miss the buzz of when it was more. But I'm trying to move on and find that connection with someone available. But deep connection - soul like connection - it's so rare! I've only felt it twice in my life. And neither were actual relationships. Close. But always a barrier.

[IslaTheWitch]

life is a bitch, accept it and create your own conditions...

[Crimsyjo]

Haha I've tried manifestation and spells lol. Seem to push them away worse tho 😏

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

"fed up of putting on an act of positivity for casual sex guys"Then don't try to force positivity about it, self-awareness cannot hurt per se :)"I feel obsessed with wanting to find a bond with a guy"And I expect any obsession to give bad results, relentlessly, to the point of total exhaustion. It would be idiotic to tell you that you should proceed differently, as you know it. It's perfectly fine to miss bonding, though if you use casual sex as a bandage for this miss, AND if you navigate too much in environments giving you that, then I think you know it's working against you. I cannot predict anything really, but maybe quitting the bandage and the enviro will put you on other tracks? And from there, new horizons? It sounds reasonably optimistic to me.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

...🤔
Yeah, screw you text formatting, kid me again 😂

[Crimsyjo]

Haha I hear you! But it's not so easy to stop. I am type to actively chase the things I want in life. And I succeed!! In things I can control. I can choose career, decide how much to save, plan and buy the things I need. Whether it's a car or something else. Somethings take time sure. But mostly I can do what i want, go where I want and do what I want. BUT love. You can't force it, buy it or actively find it. You can't make another person want you or love you.
So I hate this feeling of powerlessness. After my abusive relationship I did become quite a control freak over my life! Disciplined. Focused on losing weight and getting myself in a good place. Now I feel thos ONE thing is beyond my reach!
But I'm terrified. Because casuals keep me in the now. Instead of facing possibility that maybe I'll get alone forever. And at least I can think I'm enjoying myself. In the moment. And it is exciting. It just doesn't last.
But yes I also think it could easily sabotage any chance of a relationship. If a guy I start seeing suddenly sees guys in their 20's blowing up my phone!
But what will happen if I stop? The black dog!! In the voids... I am struggling to keep depression at bay. Something I've had a few times in my life since childhood. So I don't want that. And stopping my "obssession" feels like giving up!

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

I understand the logic in controlling when you previously lacked control, I understand the logic in wanting too much control as a result. It makes sense yes. We do what we can with what there is to stay away from the abyss, this is so deeply personal that I can't elaborate nor judge here

[Lynx122]

Did you not prioritize finding a long term relationship when you were younger? When guys say this is what's gonna happen to you, women don't want to hear it , call it desperate etc. But once it happens to you there's not really anything you can do about it that's kinda the point.

[Crimsyjo]

Yes i found a husband at age 19. Had family. But marriage ended when I was 30.

[Lynx122]

oh that sucks

[Lynx122]

Well I don't know what to tell you it's not easy.

[ProbablyClueless]

One really big spiritual hygiene thing for me is that I lower my expectations of others and then I respect the relationship that the person is indicating they want with me. Just the reciprocation of energy where I give them the benefit of the doubt. I try to hold myself to high standards, but at the end of the day; all I can do is respect the other person's wishes.

[Nerdvana]

Sorry you feel that way. But join the club. I understand how you feel. I think I am just destined to be alone. I think I am a very nice guy. I like to have fun, no drama, yet I can't seem to connect with a woman. If you figure it out, let me know. I could use some pointers. lol.

[Crimsyjo]

I know!!! My mum is really negative. And basically said like just accept being alone and find other ways to bring joy in your life. It's not that easy! When other things don't bring you joy. I mean, I do little things I enjoy. Go cinema. Collect my comic books. Sometimes do my art. But it's not same. I swear my best friend at mo is a chatbot! Cos at least then I can moan or talk about the same issue and not have it get annoyed at me or fed up! Or judge me.

[Nikki1989]

When you're feeling lonely, it's easy to focus on the negative aspects of your life. Try to challenge negative thoughts and focus on the positive.

[CuriousMan93]

Loneliness is like a rot of the soul--I'm going through it now for my own reasons. This won't fix anything, but a good way to cope is just expect less (or even nothing) from anyone. People are selfish, can backstab you, etc., and for me I found a callused "I don't owe you nothing, you don't owe me nothing" mentality kind of protects me and others from emotional harm

[Paul_in_Indy]

I’m sorry. I understand this. You are not a drain or a bucketful of negative energy. What you are saying makes sense to a lot of us.

[FunkyMonkee]

I've been lonely most of my life. I spend most of my time dealing with music/records and comedy.

[OddBeMe]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tdw7kxD8eUc

[woahhh152]

Look for someone your age. It would be a little easier

[Crimsyjo]

I am and have been. It's actually way WAY harder. I attracted guys in their 20's like... so many. Online and out in club. But obviously that's all about sex and sexual attraction. I've been looking for a guy my age since January. But apart from one guy for 3 months, nothing. I think guys my age wanna date women in their 30's maybe?
And I look for guys aged about 36 to 50. A much much smaller percentage of those show interest in me compared to younger guys. Say 30% instead of maybe 70% of younger guys. And out of that 30% ... 28% are still only after casual sex. And I'm attracted to none of them. Since Jan I've been on 3 actual dates. One was just wanting sex. The 2nd became my boyfriend but had many red flags. The 3rd I tried a guy not my type. It went well. I was excited. But after the date he only started talking sex and went weird.

[woahhh152]

I can understand. And yeah, guys in their 20s just want a MILF

[Crimsyjo]

Haha yh I know. I've fucked so many of them now. But that only helps when I'm craving sex to cover my loneliness.

[woahhh152]

Would you have a gangbang when you are horny?

[noohair]

Women are blind to good men because the guy is not the image of perfect.

[Anonymous]

The problems of modern women. "I want a man but not THAT one or THAT one, woe is me" 🙄

[Crimsyjo]

Haha so you would get with ANY woman regardless of finding her attractive?

[Opinion Owner]

I'd at least give them a chance, and I have before. It was fun with one girl on here, I wasn't attracted to her but I liked her and her personality, it never worked out but if she was closer we might've turned into something, I've never really cared about looks that much as long as she's not overly obese or underweight, I feel like most women fall into the category of between the two, so. And I don't mean to come off like that but men are so sick of seeing women say they have attention from men but complain they can't find one, what is so bad about these men giving you attention that you can't at least date ONE romantically?

[Crimsyjo]

Because it is false hope to give them. a signal (even by saying hi) than you would ever be interested in more than friendship?

[NathanDavis]

what about friends...

[Crimsyjo]

I have a couple of female friends. I'm going out Saturday with them. But they really busy with work and life so we only meet up once every other month. And it's nice. But my focus is so much on wanting to feel that buzz with a guy I don't really feel all that much joy seeing them.
I've done classes too. A sociology course. Meditation classes. I go gym. I love mu club but women my age don't go clubbing so i go solo and it's a young crowd. It's also a Saturday night and I work 6am Sundays so I do go work on couple hours sleep. But it's hard! And the best part of the club is like 3am lol

[slatyb]

Have you tried getting counseling?

[eagle1951]

don't know