Should I confess to my boy best friend (again) or just silently give up?

[itsmemarissa]

Hi everyone! So we met back in college and it’s been about 10 years. I had a crush when we first met and I confessed after a year ish of knowing each other, but he said that he wanted to keep our friendship the same and basically told me that he thinks I don’t have real feelings for him and I was just confused. So I got over my crush and I’ve dated a few guys (for a less than a month each, so nothing serious). But a few weeks ago I realized that I’ve basically been single for the past decade and didn’t even notice.

I text my boy best friend basically from the time I wake up until I go to sleep about any small thought I have. And it’s been like this the entire time. If he’s busy, he literally wants me to spam him and then he’ll come back and read every single thing I said and reply to everything. A few years ago, I tried to talk to him less and he got kind of upset/worried so I just went back to normal 24/7 texts.

I kind of feel like he’s been an emotional crutch? I don't know. I always tell him about what’s going on with me and he replies and sometimes tells me what’s going on with him, but we don’t equally talk about ourselves.

After school, we moved to different cities so we mainly see each other on holidays and he always visits me on my birthday.

He did have a girlfriend for about two years, but he never told me about her until after she broke up with him and he was really upset and I think drunk and so I think he only told me about her on accident. Because after that day he never again mentioned her or the break up. And he’s never mentioned liking a girl or going on dates.

I was thinking about my life and what goals I want to set and I realized that I should probably start looking for a relationship if I want to get married and have kids one day.

I don’t know if I should say something to my boy best friend about how it feels like he’s taken the place of a boyfriend in my life or if I should just try on my own to emotionally distance myself.

[ohsheeT]

Well you have to truly look at it from your heart and your mind and your eyes and you have to figure out what you want I mean is he a crutch
That gives you support when you're down and out

Is he good friend that you would love to be a lover with have you fantasized about it

Because here's the thing if you tell him how you feel at least what you just said and it didn't work out and you lose your friendship too

I've been in this position a few times and

The thing that has saved me was understanding that I like the person understanding that I wanted to be with a person

But also understanding that in the long run as for in a relationship it just wouldn't work out and I know it wouldn't work out so I had to just back off and become friends and our friendship has lasted many many years and that's like three or four girls that I've had to do this with

And it really sucks LOL

sometimes being 100% honest with yourself really sucks too.
But you have to do it

But I really think there's a lot of people out there that go through what you're going through or going through what I went through and they choose the other option and they go for it and two or three or four years down the road it doesn't work out and they separate split whatever and they lost a good good friend


And I have also with the opposite way with a good friend and I was completely honest and said I don't know if it would ever work in the long run I don't know if I want to do it just to get into your pants because I do like you I like you a lot we have a good connection if it started to go wrong when we the adult enough to both admit it and walk away and still remain friends and I've done that a couple times too it's still not the same as a friendship but still it's it's still a bond that you have

[itsmemarissa]

It sounds like I need to decide if I like him to enough to risk his entire friendship. Thanks for writing all of this! I appreciate it! I think I’m at the point where I need to either confess and risk the entire friendship or just pull back and talk less often and be less emotionally involved and still have him as a friend but at a farther distance.

[ohsheeT]

Well I think you're right I think you need to do something one way or the other because you need to know because if you don't do it then the not knowing will just tear you apart because you never asked or you never went forward and just said hey this is what I feel blah blah blah

But I don't think you can just silently give up I mean you can but then what

And then you have to ask yourself also

Is what you feel true could it be just loneliness could be lust. Or love

[Cripplingkingship]

Just go and find someone, what you do with your life is none of his business anyway.

what i would do, just don't tell too much information about your life. But if you find a guy and get serious with him and have a family, it might you need to distance yourself from him.

I wouldn't do anything just yet with him. Don't get to hasty too early. You don't need to anyone anything about your life. your life, your business.

[Cripplingkingship]

If I was in your position, try and find female friends rather male friends. Because having male friends is going to make it so much harder, when you are dating men.

[itsmemarissa]

Thanks for your opinion! I think I agree with you. I need to just stop over sharing with him.

[Cripplingkingship]

exactly, you don't tell him everything about your life. You don't even to tell your parents everything, I don't my friends or parents everything.

[Cripplingkingship]

What I have realised, telling people everything about yourself, is sometimes they use that information against you. A closed mouth gathers no flies.

[itsmemarissa]

He’s never betrayed my trust. He remembers things I’ve told him years ago and completely forgot myself which is what made me wonder if he’d be a good boyfriend. But I think if he was interested in more than just hearing about my life, he would’ve said something by now

[Cripplingkingship]

Don't worry or wait for other people. Just focus and go make life happen for yourself. Waiting for others will only lead to dissappoitment. If you wants you, then he needs to act quickly otherwise you are moving on with your life.
Don't wait for him, worst thing you could do. Its your life, and your wasting time on him, and that's time you can't get back. Time is your most valueable currency.
The waiting is a fools game.

[Cripplingkingship]

The waiting game is a fools game. Nobody became successful or made of something of themselves by waiting.

[itsmemarissa]

I’m screenshotting your advice so I can look back at it regularly. Thank you for your perspective! I’m going to think about this a lot

[Cripplingkingship]

"If you wait, all that happens is you get older." – Larry McMurtry

[Cripplingkingship]

"A year from now, you may wish you had started today." – Karen Lamb

[Cripplingkingship]

If me and you were dating and you couldn't make up your mind about liking me. I can tell now, I won't be waiting around for your answer. I will make your mind up for you and that is, I am moving on and find someone else who can give me a yes. take care good luck

[itsmemarissa]

That makes sense!! Thank you! I hope you take care too! 😁

[Cripplingkingship]

no worries good luck, take care.

[PeachyPie93]

No do not confess if he has never made a move on you in 10 years and basically rejected you, but dated others he isn't interested in you. I would suggest texting a little less but you can defo keep him as a friend but you have to get it in your head there most likely is no chance and start looking elsewhere and open your heart to others.

[AI Opinion]

Ah, the classic "am I in a rom-com?" dilemma! 😄 My aim here is to help navigate matters of the heart. It sounds like you two have a strong connection, but we don't want to lovebomb or confuse him if he's truly just a friend. If you're feeling like he's more than a friend, speak from the heart—honesty can be liberating. But remember, if he's a red flag in disguise, you deserve a partner who genuinely reciprocates your feelings. Trust yourself and your needs in this journey of falling in love or moving forward. 💖

[Avicenna]

Depends what you actually want

[itsmemarissa]

You’re right! I guess I need to think more. I don’t want to lose him as a friend so maybe it’ll be better if I just quietly get rid of my feelings

[Anonymous]

So you are 29 and still at school?

[itsmemarissa]

No, after we graduated we both moved to different cities