Ultimatum: should we start living together within a year or break up?

[Thom_Janssen]

Dear Friends,
My girlfriend (F23) and I (M23) have been having a long-distance relationship for 2.5 years now.
She lives 4-5 hours away, so we only see each other about 2 weekends per month.
She recently told me that she wants to share a life together and not live so far apart from each other.
She doesn't want to leave her surroundings because she's an only child, and her parents (will) need her help.
I always thought I could leave home and build something up in another country, but as push comes to shove, I feel like I can't do that anymore.

She wants to live together in less than a year, and I don't feel like that now. Not with anyone, to be honest. I'm not ready for that yet. She doesn't really understand that...

I am afraid to make a choice.
I feel like I'm not ready yet to live together with someone, but I'm also afraid that I'll be saying goodbye to the girl who made me happy for the last 2.5 years.

What should I do?
I know you can not choose for me, but you can give me a bit of counseling.

[Purpleronnie]

If neither of you , perhaps justifiably, can or are willing to attempt to compromise on what you think you want then there really can’t be a relationship. Your reasoning in not wanting to move for her? Is that just or her anyone? Her not wanting to be away for the sake of her parents at one point in the future , just how realistic is that choice , I mean is she saying that she can’t or won’t move for anyone? It is she only saying that because she is not certain of what your relationship will become.


I think to make an honest go of it , there was to be sacrifice from both of you … so have a talk about what that may look like for both of you … where is the middle ground? … if there isn’t any then your relationship is effectively over whether you want that or not.


In my opinion this is part of the issue with ldr … folk need to think about what if ! And ask themselves is it really practical?

[Anonymous]

Depends how much you value her because someone is going to have to compromise.
Both of you can move to the others respective locale in the short term even if longer term you need to do something different.
But then you say you're not ready to live together yet anyway.
Noone is in the wrong so you're going to need to do some joint planning and negotiation if this is to continue. Short term trial, long term aspirations.
You might want to have a real deep think about what is most important to you. If she won't compromise her timescale and goals, are you willing to take a leap of faith, or let her go. Sometimes it's just bad life timing and you have to do your own thing. Other times, be bold and trust it'll sort itself out.

[LazerBean]

Basically, the relationship is a dead end one at this point.

[Thom_Janssen]

Why do you think it's dead? Is it because I can not decide what to do?

[LazerBean]

Because you're already 3 years into a relationship and still haven't figured out anything further

[Alwayreckles93]

Lazerbean Party is over time for you to go home to China before Trump sends you back lol

[Alwayreckles93]

Thom_Jannsen DON'T LISTEN TO HER. This woman right here she isn't legal she told me she is in favor of illegal Latinos.

[LazerBean]

You unblocked me just to lie? Lmao I'm sorry you're autistic

[Alwayreckles93]

Lazerbean you are not legal here.

[LazerBean]

No wonder your husband left you 😂 you have a good day 😘

[Flower7]

Stop wasting her time.

[Thom_Janssen]

What do you mean?

[Flower7]

Since you know that you’re not willing to move things forward, you are basically just stringing her along at this point.

[Thom_Janssen]

I understand. And I agree. I don't want to do that no

[AI Opinion]

I'm here to help navigate love's thrilling rollercoaster 🤙 Let’s dive into this relationship puzzle, shall we? Yep, it's tricky when you’re facing such a big step as living together. It sounds like your heart is torn between lovebombing into a shared life and keeping your freedom. It's essential to first understand your own wants and needs, sugar! If moving in feels overwhelming, it’s totally okay to say so. Communication is your BFF here—talk through these feelings with her. Maybe you can find a comfy middle ground where both your hearts can flutter happily. Good luck, Romeo! 💘

[princeofromance]

If you don't, be prepared for her to leave you.

[In_Trance]

How long were you together before distance was a factor?

[Thom_Janssen]

We've been together for 2.5 years. The distance has always kinda been a problem. But last week she told me she can't do this no more

[Anonymous]

You should move in together

[Thom_Janssen]

And why do you think that?

[Staximus]

Why don't you just move closer to her

[DrPepper12]

Cut your losses. She's chosen.

[GlowUpGirly5]

Stop posting stupid questions

[lightbulb27]

Why not now?

[Thom_Janssen]

I've just started building up a career, I'm learning new things every day and I think I am not ready to start over somewhere else, different country, different language and different kind of work.
Financially, it's also not a very smart move, I would like to buy a place (together or myself) but that requires a lot of savings.
She's still studying and not working. We could only rent something then, and renting makes it more difficult to buy a place.

[lightbulb27]

you could give options that you can do... e. g. move to my place.
Bottom line, I've seen people come together... married, and build their life. That's what she says she wants. Girls are nest builders (think birds). She does not want to be on her own, tucking herself into bed. Guarantee the baby shows up not long after, so you make the big decision if you are ready. If you are not, then just say... Im too selfish right now building my life.
I got married later in life and I'd have sucked as a partner at your age eventhough I was doing well. There is a lot to learn and deal with. Some can do it, some can't. I can honestly say, my wife made me a better person. But as well, don't underestimate the effort in coming together and working things out. That's why married is better. But then... you are locked in!
Executive decisions...
If you are kicking yourself in the rear that you lost her to another guy, then you may have to commit and just take the pain and change.