Do you support living together before marriage? Why or why not?
I personally think it’s important to know what you’re getting yourself into before getting married. I know several couples that waited until they were married to move in together and divorced within a year because they couldn’t live together.
I’m also asking because my boyfriend of almost 4 years and I don’t currently live together but spend the night at each other’s 5x a week. I also don’t want to be the one to ask, but he’s buying a house this month and my rent is up in 8 months. I still have some time to figure out where I’m going to live, but I can’t help but imagine living together and how it would be. We discussed it almost a year ago and said we weren’t ready, but we’ve grown a lot as a couple and individually so I’m curious if he still feels that way. Is there a way I can be casual about asking or getting him to ask me? We talk about marriage sometimes but I don’t see that happening for another few years.
I know that there’s outside factors other than time that determine this, but I’m purely curious about the time frame.
For the poll, when did you move in with your significant other?
Less than a year of dating
Within 2 years of dating
Within 3 years of dating
Within 4 years of dating
When we were engaged/married
We do not live together
I’m single/see results
Select gender and age to cast your vote:
Please select your age
At what point in the time frame of the relationship should you move in together?
Interesting read! It definitely makes a lot of sense. After reading, I actually feel better about not living together. Living together would be more convenient for the both of us but I guess a prolonged marriage is more importance than convenience. Would you say moving in together after engagement would have the same effect? Or would it be along the same lines as already married couples single there’s that promise in place?
The reason cohabitation reduces relationships is that people get to see how their partners really are. If your intention is to trap some innocent guy in marriage (Marriage is NOT good for men, that is why men are refusing to get married) basically saying "I'm forcing you to stay with me or I'll steal half of everything you ever worked for in divorce" then you don't love him.
Just listen to this simp, "Make that boy swear his oath to you" what the hell is that? Why can't he know what it's like to live with you BEFORE he "swears such an oath"?
If you agree with this guy, then you're saying "I'm terrible to live with, and it will end my relationship, so I'm going to trick the guy into staying with me because he won't know what I'm really like". Your marriage might last but when he cheats because he can't get a safe divorce it'll be on you for intentionally deceiving him.
I dont know that there is a rule anymore. It used to be marriage. Do what is right for you both.
It sounds like you are already living together, moreso than some who are married... because some travel for work.
With my girlfriend of 5 years (whom we broke up and took a year off), I decided to commit to my girlfriend and we bought a house together. I love her, I care for her, and I enjoy being with her and the kids, from her X. I expect to marry her.
It's not easy at any age and we had to communicate a lot and work through stuff. I think what helps is discussing and alleviating fears, working on communication, demonstrating you can solve problems constructively, work effectively together. There is a lot to do moving in together or married.
Just doing it for $ reasons isn't enough. Your goals, values should align and should work well together.
Two together are definitely stronger... when they work and pull in the same direction to common goals with aligned values.
Questionable to me as a Christian. Living together before marriage means you’re also sleeping together before marriage, and I believe God created sex to be used in a marriage between husband and wife. Sex is no doubt good, and pleasure is wonderful for couples. (Proverbs 5:19). But sexual intercourse also has a spiritual connection as well as physical. Do not awaken love until it pleases (Song of Solomon 8:4). God tells us to use it in the right context not only to benefit our relationships but to obey and honor Him. I am not trying to judge but am just speaking with truth and grace. Pre marital sex is thankfully not an unforgivable sin, God still loves humanity unconditionally. Even in our rebellion. and while we were still sinners, Christ died for us! (See Romans 5:8). and is ready to wipe the slate clean and give a fresh start! And I still love and forgive people who may think differently than me. Thanks-Rachel
I feel like it depends on the couple. Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost a year and talk about moving in together before he goes off to college (a year after he graduates highschool) I’m supposed to graduate at the end of this semester as long as I pass my two needed classes left. We’ve been talking about it for a month or two now seriously. I have to wait for him to get a job which he is waiting to do because working during highschool is stressful which I agree since I’m working currently. It’s exciting to think about.
After being in a relationship for one year, either live together or end the relationship. That is my opinion. And definitely live together before marriage. Living with someone is a lot different than just dating them. Living together is when you figure out how compatible for long term you really are. People will find out how selfish and uncaring their partner really is, if they won't help around the house at home to do their share, won't contribute financially to the home, food, etc. Also how messy they are 9people often clean up their homes right before their SO comes over), and what kind of lifestyle they live the other days when they weren't normally on a date.
I don't consider moving in an important part to a relationship. Personally, I just look at moving in as an attempt by the girl to baby step things more towards marriage.
Seldom is it the guys idea. Not that it's a bad thing, but really when girls say things like "progressing" in a relationship. They're talking about marriage inherently
I see where you’re coming from, at this point I’m not tryna get married for another 4/5 years, but I’ve been with my boyfriend for so long. I probably see him 25 days out of the month and we always spend the night on those days, so it feels like we’re already living together. It would just be nice to not have to worry about having to get clothes and water plants and eat the food at my apartment. We’ve started collectively stocking his fridge instead of mine because that’s where I spend most of the month; he doesn’t have a roommate and I do so it’s just easier for us to live our lives and run around naked lol.
Marriage is probably definitely happening at the rate we’re going, but if we’re meant to be together forever, there’s no rush in marriage. It’s more so for convenience. Early mornings suck for both of us because we need to go to our individual apartments to get ready for his work/my classes.
" probably see him 25 days out of the month and we always spend the night on those days, so it feels like we’re already living together. It would just be nice to"
And this is what I mean by a way to baby step lol. This is how it starts. It's a deliberate choice. It may not have been a conscious one but it was deliberate 😅
I'm just saying it's entirely possible that when you bring up the convo about moving in, that if he's hesitant or not on board. You might take it personally and in short time feel like you're not "progressing". Leading to problems in your relationship purely because you've given a skewed sense of value to moving in as a stepping stone to your end goal
Thank you for this perspective! I’m not gonna worry about living together for the time being. We’re doing well without living together and I’d rather not mess with that 👍🏼
That's many girls lol. There's a saying about this that's pretty true.
"Living in the past is called depression. Living in the future is called anxiety. Living in the present is called serenity"
All you will ever have is what is happening right now. In the future you're thinking about what you will eventually experience now. Or the past thinking about what you experienced in the now.
You should fix a The Lion's Share of your energy on the present and only use past and future where valuable. Learn from your past. Plan for the future. But focus on the now
I selected 3 years , but you should feel zero pressure to move into together at all , there should be no fixed time put on it , everyone is different and there is certainly no rush at all , a very important there is no pressure. As for the other , dont ever even consider marriage ( no way ) if you have not lived with that person for a decent period of time. If something pisses you off , it will piss you off even more if you are married. Its also important to see how your sex life goes living together , if it drops off , this is a big concern as it will drop off far more during a long marriage , these are all the things you need to focus on , plus general domestic. But yeah 100 % live with them first.
I don't believe in living together before marriage.
As to your particular situation, I think it's good that you are thinking about that and preparing yourself mentally. But don't jump too far ahead with your emotions. Because at this point you just don't know what his intentions are. If he brings it up and asks you to move in with him, then you can say yes, if that is what you want to do. But let him be the one to broach the subject.
Good advice! He definitely needs to be the one. He jokingly asked me to marry him last week and we do talk about marriage sometimes, but I think we’re both aware we need stable careers and income before we move forward in our relationship.
I had no idea. Probably still add a little humor but something along the lines of, "okay, I think I can fit that into my schedule." That way it's not too emotional but at least it's a yes in a sense haha
I don't think there is a right time or a wrong time to move in together. First marriage we didn't live together before and divorced after 12 years. Second time we moved in together after 6 months but the previous 2 months we were sleeping together every night. We got married after almost 7 years together and had bought our 3rd house together. Moved around for work a bit. We bought our first house together after living together for 4 months. We have now been together for over 28 years.
If your spending almost all your time together then it makes perfect sense to move in together.
I lived with my first girlfriend after we'd been together almost 2 years and the relationship ended less than a year later. My second girlfriend and I never lived together.
I moved in with my wife 3 months before our wedding because I emigrated to be with her. Otherwise I would have only moved in with her after the wedding. If anything happened to leave me widowed or divorced I wouldn't move in/move her in unless we were married or within a few weeks of it.
Being married is very different to living together. The issues my wife and I have faced were far deeper than what led to the breakup of either of my previous relationships. I can't imagine how I'd have faced actual life and death issues with either of them - and I was engaged to the second girl.
You'll know how serious the relationship is and how much you actually love the other person when you live together. Definitely recommend before marriage. Move in together when the relationship has been established long enough to take that next step, it has to be mutual or there's probably going to be issues.
Studies prove cohabitation results in more failed marriages. All's it does is give you false preconceived notions how you THINK things are gonna be rather than his they will actually be. You know you're serious if one offers a ring and the other says yes.
There's always studies to disprove other studies. I'm speaking from personal experience. Marriage today isn't how it was back then. Marriage today doesn't equate to people actually taking it serious. There are more divorces that occur today than 30 years ago because divorces are as frowned upon since society doesn't deem it as such a negative as before.
Also those studies you listed from Institute for Family Studies aren't that reliable. They have right bias and have been funded by Bradley Foundation which is a conservative group.
You can find some more information that's least biased and highly credible from Pew Research that give some good facts as why both are good and bad in regards to this question.
For me personally I was answering her question based on my personal experience and those around me. There's no right or wrong answer, it's a gray issue.
When you feel you’re ready to. I moved in with my ex now and we lasted 2 years living together especially during covid then I couldn’t do it anymore. I honestly have no plans on doing that again with a guy. I’m focused on buying my own property within the next 2 years.
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Anonymous
(36-45)
+1 y
We started dating 2 months before the pandemic and ended up in a do or do die situation when we locked down. He lived quite far away so wouldn’t be able to come to mine when it started. He moved straight over. We lived together for the 3 months of lockdown and didn’t do too bad then he fully moved in after 9 months I don’t think it was too soon
4 years is go for it
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Anonymous
(36-45)
+1 y
No!! Don’t move in together before you’re married. It’s impossible to get rid of someone you live with when you decide the relationship isn’t working out. Plus, you can just keep living together even after the relationship is over because it is still both your residence so it also makes it awkward when you have a dude living there even after you’re broken up.
I would want to wait until we are engaged to move in together. Before, I would have said wait until marriage (still the case for sex) to move in, but between increased cost of living and how long it would take to save for a wedding I can see the value in moving in together during engagement but before marriage.
I don't know I have since January dating boyfriend and I don't know his parents yet. He lives with parents & 30. His dad moved to Mexico. I don't know when we would live together but my Hispanic family beliefs are to live together til marriage. Maybe his family thinks same too. However I don’t live with parents.
Whenever you feel ready to. My boyfriend and I moved in together after a year of dating. He was in a dorm when we met then flatted with friends from uni for a year and hated it, so we found a place we could rent together.
When you both can afford a place of your own and not be worried about paying your bills. Otherwise its an arrangement of convenience and not true love.
It’s not about the money for convenience, it’s not having my clothes and stuff. I’ve started packing extra clothes in my backpack just in case we’re together for a few days which helps. I’m not going to pressure him though, if he brings it up again, cool, if not, no worries. I’d rather keep the relationship working.
It's all mute points, If it is love, you know it. If it isn't, none of these artificial guidelines help the least bit - you will separate eventually to save your own health. If it is an agenda - then when you both agree to it (I. e. this year we live together, after that we most probably each go our own ways)
If you aren't ready after 4 years something is wrong. Did you have anything to say about what house he is buying. If not I would say he has no plans to get the relationship to that level ever.
Yeah, he brought me along for every house and I made the ultimate decision. And I mean, I’m still very young. We started talking when I was 20, I’m still in school, we did long distance for a year, this is the first complete year that we’ve been together in the same city.
I’ve made some jokes about it being my future house and he smiles, like a love smile, I can tell he thinks that as well. So I don’t think you’re reading our relationship correctly.
I asked questions to figure out what was what. You need to question things. That's why I put restrictions to the conditions that would lead to an answer. So if you only been together 1 year and not four. The whole equation change. It's to early for you to expect anything. Him getting that house is more then you can expect to be honest.
I guess so, I appreciate your perspective, I’m not going to rush anything, there’s still a lot of time to figure it out and I like where our relationship stands right now. Better to leave it as is then move too fast and ruin it 👍🏼
I am totally against live in relationships. It is always good to get married first and then live together. Cause say for example you start living together, then obviously intimacy will happen. The woman will be at loss here, the man will not lose anything. So, I would suggest find a suitable boy, get married and have family. I am kinda old school when it comes to these things
What if intimacy is already involved? My boyfriend and I are very intimate people. I do not consider being intimate a loss. In fact it’s very helpful for reducing stress, anxiety, and establishing boundaries. It would suck to end up with someone you are incompatible with in bed as this can cause problems with infidelity or leave you in an unhappy marriage.
Getting intimate before marriage is a loss for the woman if the guy leaves her. If you stay with him , there is a lesser chance of marriage in the future. Why would he marry you when he is getting everything without the marriage? Once he loses interest, he will leave. Keep it for marriage, if you want to marry him, try not to get into live in relationships before. Do consider this, I wish all the best.
@MrNameless same. I figured different perspective was best to just leave it how it is. I’ve been sexually involved with my boyfriend since like the second time we ever hung out and here we are, safe to say he hasn’t lost interest and isn’t going anywhere lol
Don't know I've never had a live in. I'd rather we be plaining a marriage before a live in. Many are comfortable shaking up. Their business Not me sorry. I'd like to be ur wife if we getting that deep.
