How much independence do you want in a relationship versus shared activities and decisions?

[HawkPerception]

[CeramicsandMusic]

I understand that some people, whether single or in a relationship, are comfortable being by themselves and having alone time. However for me, I’ve spent my life totally alone, save for some time with family members. While others may find comfort in having alone time, that feeling has become extremely unsettling to me. It’s never my choice when I’m alone, which is a lot of the time. I’ve spent too many days and too many nights—too many years, honestly—by myself doing whatever to keep me occupied, both mentally and physically. I don’t really find true joy in doing much of anything anymore, because I have nobody to share those moments with. More and more often, I keep catching myself thinking about how giddy I would be if I had a woman to share my life with; not just some of my life, but all of it. Fun things, of course, like watching movies or going for walks or playing games or reading books, but more so the simpler things; folding laundry, washing the car, grocery shopping, daydreaming, and all those things where it’s always been just me and my imagination; I can have good/hopeful thoughts, but I can also have dark thoughts, too, where nothing will ever change, and that’s what scares me. I guess what I’m trying to say is, if I ever do find a significant other, I will want to spend every waking moment of the rest of my life with her, and I would be overjoyed to not have to spend any time by myself ever again.

[HawkPerception]

Sounds intense man and to an extent, I feel ya

[Summeroflove]

A mix of both for me personally. But every person is different and compatibility is key. If someone’s more clingy they need someone more clingy if they need more space they need someone whose also more independent.

Some people just aren’t made for one another but try too hard to force it. Some people aren’t touchy feely people as where some people are. Some people have issues with certain things others don’t. Some people dislike something, prefer something, or are indifferent to something.

[fartingspinster]

Hmmm, I need my independence when it comes to work, friends and select activities (like exercise, artistic hobby), but i want to balance that out with shared time together, shared interests/hobbies and if they really want to - we can have certain days that are shared exercise day.

I haven't been in a relationship where I haven't needed my alone time. I recharge and re-align when im by myself. I wonder if it would be different when i found someone with extremely similar values and principles.

But I think having a good balance as I stated above is healthy. You dont lose yourself and when you are together it feels special and you wan to make the most of it.

[DishLady]

There used to be a chart (back in the 90s) indicating how much time it was considered "healthy" to stay apart from a spouse/so. And it was ~8 hours.

Now with mobile devices, "breathing space" can mean anything from 8 hours of radio silence to 8 hours of occasional texting (or perhaps a mid-day call/check-in).

Everyone is a little different. Personally, my day gets busy, so I don't mind the radio silence (having grown up pre-cellphone/internet), but if my SO/I have the choice to contact each other or (let's say) post and follow other folks on social media, I'd rather the guy take a moment to at least text me -- and I would do the same.

[HawkPerception]

Is that 8 hours a day? Or a week?

[fartingspinster]

@HawkPerception - sounds like a day. Since most people work 8 hours a day

[HawkPerception]

@fartingspinster I wouldn't count time at work as "me" time. That's not really relaxing and doing stuff for yourself. That would mean all the time I'd have at home would be spent with my partner, which I personally wouldn't like every day

[DishLady]

It’s not necessarily “me time” but time away from the person.

[fartingspinster]

Yeah, i dont think anyone said it was me time, but the idea is that two partners should be able to be at work without feeling like they need to stay in contact with each other all the time.

Me time could he your lunch break (not having to call and check in on your partner every time), although i do think checking in on lunch breaks is nice.
Generally tho, the partner should be able to give you the strength and comfort to come home after a long day and distress together. Or find a way to re-energize fast so you can nurture the relationship after the 8hr separation.
Like singing along to a really good Playlist during the commute, or taking the longer route home

[AviatorTom]

Some is the answer. We should share some activities and important decisions. But we are still individuals, and some independence is good.

[sage2021]

I wouldn't exactly call it independence but more like I enjoy my quiet time alone sometimes. It gives me time to think about things and sort through them. Or just polishing my fingernails 💅🏼 alone gives me some good alone time. It just depends on what's going on and that's what I spend my alone time on.

[PeachyPie93]

I would like shared activities and stuff but most guys like to do their own thing so I have gotten used to the idea of being independent of each other.

[HawkPerception]

If you share the same interests, then most guys like shared activities, but most men and women have different hobbies and interests so that doesn't work. Gaming is usually something both men and women can do together.

[PeachyPie93]

True but usually men and woman like different genres of shows and games so we still end up not doing those things together lol

[HawkPerception]

I've seen some girls like the same kind of games as men (very few, mind you), but yeah... definitely a really small percentage of girls.

[PeachyPie93]

Yeah I didn't like any of my exs games like the new god of wars, Final fantasy and resident evil.. But I would sometimes watch him play and I did play resident evil 5 and 6 with him and COD Zombie horde levels lol
I like easy games usually and multiplayer stuff lol

[IslaTheWitch]

everyone needs time for themselves... for their friends, and time together... the ratio differs between couples... so it's a couple thing to discover

[faith_it]

I feel like I can spend time with a boyfriend 24/7 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[HawkPerception]

Oh no... the clinger 😂

[queenofcardio]

I'm independent with my own hobbies since I've been doing them for a while.. I'd like to share some activities together.

[Purpleronnie]

I’d say for me / us … as much time apart as we spend together. To me that way you make more of the time together.


I couldn’t stand being with someone that insisted on being my shadow … all of the time

[Justneedtokno]

So there are levels of this being able to function when that person is not around and understand that you are individual before that person enters your life, then being able to do things together as a partnership

[thegreenyogi]

Equal balance between the two.

[HawkPerception]

But if you had to lean more towards one, which would it be?