What mistakes were made in your upbringing?

Question

Our parents aren’t all-knowing angels — they’re human, with their own struggles. We forgive them, but some things shape us deeply and take years to unlearn.

My mom had untreated anxiety and depression. I’m grateful she showed up the best she could, but I believe many of my insecurities come from my early years. No matter how confident I appear, deep down I carry a sense of shame and incompetence, and I’m still surprised when good things happen to me.

She was loving at times, but during her depressive periods she became inconsistent, and that affected me. For example, at 5 I didn’t know how to tie my shoelaces — she never taught me, but said, “You’re already 5 and don’t know how?” When I asked how, she told me to figure it out. When I did, she mocked me for doing it “wrong.”

With cooking, I wasn’t allowed to help because she didn’t want me treated like a maid, but then criticized me for not knowing basic things and for “complicating everything.”

She controlled how I dressed, spoke, and behaved. If I didn’t do things her way, she could ruin my day and send me to school crying. She would be angry if I cried, and angry if I didn’t. Angry if I asked permission, and angry if I didn’t. I got used to asking for everything — even to go to the bathroom — and was still shamed for it.

Some days she was sweet, other days irritable, and I never knew which version I’d get. I loved her but feared her. I couldn’t hate her because she felt guilty and apologized — so I comforted her instead and felt guilty for her pain.

The last time she slapped me, I was 16. I stopped her hand and told her if she did it again, she would regret it.

All of this made me feel incompetent. Even now, years after leaving home, I still doubt myself, feel like I’m doing something wrong, and second-guess my choices. I’ve been supporting my family since 22, yet still feel like I’m pretending to be someone capable.

Updates

3 mo

I feel ashamed that at 29 I haven’t fully changed this. But I keep doing things I’m afraid of, hoping to teach myself that I can do things well - and that whether I succeed or fail in them, I’ll be okay.

Updates

3 mo

Outside of home I was the opposite - Everyone looked up to me… And life felt easy… Never bullied , never hurt because I have practiced those mentalmuscles with my mom I guess.

I was also assertive and while not ever initiated a problem, I could talk sharply and cut deep with my words and my classmates didn’t mess with me, I had good friends and was best at college.

My mom once told my dad “She’s a monster. But she’s a monster we created.”
I was just angry… Not a monster. Dad called me angel.

Finchie40 · Accepted Answer

Unfortunately parents’ can play a big part of impacting our lives as well as Past traumas , that we tend to bury inside ourselves growing up ,
because it’s what we grew up with , and what we are use to , most of us have similar traits as our parents’without realizing we do, but if you do realize that you do, it’s up to you on whether you want to change it and be opposite of how your parents’ were to you. I grew up with an alcoholic abusive father and a mom that was pretty Much controlled by my father , but mom was an amazing person with an amazing heart and she loved my brothers’ and I with all her heart and I believe that’s why she didn’t walk away from my Dad. As much as I was angry at my Dad for the way he treated us , my Dad still had a good side to him and he provided for us and made sure we were ok , even if there was a price
To pay especially when he got drunk , it was a 50/50 chance on whether he was going to be nice to us or mean and abusive to us , and he drank on a regular basis , I also had 2 older brothers’ that got abused by my father as well , probably more than I did , so I grew up with a lot of chaos and drama and some happy times as well. but unfortunately more negative than positive , So I chose to not let negativity take the better of me and became independent at a young age so I could be on my own. Most of My friends’ and family are amazed that I am more of a happy person , than a negative person from all the shit i experienced and witnessed in life , I also told myself, I will not treat my kids’ like my Dad treated me and my brothers’ whatsoever. So I tried being a way better father than my Dad was to me , I wasn't abusive or an angry drunk , but I raised my kids’ to be respectful and polite and taught them not to take shit from anyone that is trying to take them for granted and taught them to be independent and to not rely on anyone else to take care of them. I thank my Dad for one thing, by teaching me not to back down and to be a worker , So again , you can choose not to be like your parents’ but don’t be shocked if you are somewhat like your parents’ because it’s what you are use to and grew up with . So the funny thing is, you can tell yourself that you aren’t going to be like your Mom but don’t be surprised if you end up with a guy that is just like your Mom , just like I ended up with a girl that I realized after a long time , was just like my Dad and now she is my ex. So now I am seeking a girl that has similarities like my Mom , so I can have peace and happiness again in my life. I forgot to mention when I was 16 , that was the first time I stood up to my father and punched him in the face and knocked him to the ground and that was the last time my Dad ever tried laying a finger on me. and that’s when he started to cut down on drinking and became less of an abusive person. So sometimes asshole people need a wake up call

KostasKouvalis · Accepted Answer

Mine was similar. She complains that I'm not independent and don't know how to do certain things, and blames everyone but herself. Sure, certain things I can take accountability for, but speaking in a general sense. She was similar to YOURS. I always had to ask permission for EVERYTHING and she wouldn't let me go anywhere on my own, or make my own decisions, because she was afraid something would happened to her little baby.

When I was in Poland, I was at a tram stop with my uncle, and she literally walked from my grandma's house to the bus stop to scold my uncle for taking me outside with wet hair. And I was already in my 20s.

My mom is the same as yours. She complains that I don't water the garden or do the dishes, but every time I did it, she said I was doing it wrong, because I wasn't doing it HER way.

She was a huge germaphobe and literally taught me to wash my hands after taking out the garbage/touching the trashcan, then she started scolding me saying, "I will take it out myself, because you're always washing your hands." *faceplams

She blames ME for my incompetence, but won't take any responsibility herself, and now complains about my lack of independence and self-reliance, when it's literally HER fault, because I always had to get her permission for EVERYTHING.

Sometimes she would even insult me then tell me, "I'm your MOTHER! I can say whatever I want to you and you have no right to challenge me, and you should be on MY side even when I'm wrong."

What's most annoying, is she calls me out for doing the same exact things SHE does! She only sees the flaws in others. She says I have anger issues, see should see HERSELF! She scolds me for swearing, yet I once counted her say 20 Polish swear words in 2 minutes, and she says she doesn't swear. Once she literally made me go back into the bank, because I was doing something and the lady didn't ask me to put my card in the machine. I told her, "I think she knows her job."

Just recently we were on a trip, and she said, "This is a different receptionist, because the other guy was an asshole." I told her, "it's the same guy." And she kept arguing with me, until finally I pulled up a picture of him on my phone and she said, "Alright, DON'T show me any pictures." She says I never admit when I'M wrong! Like SHE does! And the thing is, she'll literally misremember things and twist the facts, then call others crazy or stubborn. It's becoming a little scary honestly, because it's not even to make herself look good, but she seems to genuinely believe an alternate version of events.

Another time she was denying having said something, until I told her, "I have it on video", and she said, "Okay yeah, I said it, but I didn't mean it that way." She'll say and do stuff, then doesn't remember saying/doing it, and if you tell her she did it, she gets angry. I'm genuinely starting to become concerned about her.

Ez-Bri-Z_v2 · Accepted Answer

For me it's was learning that my dad was one of those misogynistic types that believed women were here to serve men. He did this with my mom despite her being the primary breadwinner. He would come home and expect dinner at the same time everyday. My mom either worked nights or double shift weekends just so she could be here for me and my brothers because she was expected to be the primary care giver. If on the weekends we didn't listen to him, he would wake her up, even though her sleep time was super limited on the weekends, just to deal with us.

The problem wasn't just that, it's that she put up with it and enabled his behavior. I rebelled of course because there was no way I was going to accept that kind of lesson which made him angry a lot. We used to have a lot of verbal fights and when I was a teen it would result in him throwing me out of the house or me just leaving to stay with friends for a few days.

To make matters worse, he was homophobic and against LGBT in general so coming out to them was a lot of fun.

7Phoenix7 · Accepted Answer

I really respect you for being this honest about it… because a lot of people never get to this level of self-awareness.

And what you said makes so much sense… growing up not knowing which version of a parent you’d get can really mess with your sense of security/safety and confidence.

I was a total daddy’s girl… he treated me like a princess.

But because of how he was raised, he believed girls should be treated gently… and boys should be treated tougher. So with my brother, he could be really hard on him… sometimes to the point where my brother would get so upset he’d either have huge outbursts or just leave for the day and come back later.

That always hurt me to watch. 💔

There were even times we both got in trouble, but only he got the harsh treatment. I remember feeling so guilty… I’d hug him and say, ‘I love you, I’m sorry.’

He grew up carrying a lot of anger because of that. But he’s done a lot of inner work since then… and now he’s a great man and a successful music producer. I’m really proud of him.

Chazmatazz269 · Answer

My father did his best to provide. He taught me how to build things and repair things. He tried to inspire me toward sports. He taught me to hunt, fish, trap, and to grow and harvest my own fruits and vegetables. Plus he taught me how to stew and can things for the winter months.
He wasn’t very touchy feely, but most men his age weren’t. I might have benefited from that if he had been a little more sensitive, but i figured myself out eventually. Later in life he also expressed regret for his shortcomings in our relationship and my development.
My mother on the other hand was and is selfish, twisted and hateful. She was apathetic at best and cruel more often than not. She always hated me, but divorced my dad and took full custody just to spite him and me. She has never demonstrated remorse or regret. I’m actually looking forward to the news of her death. Mostly for my sister’s sake. She runs herself ragged trying to take care of our mother. Who of course doesn’t appreciate her one bit.

ohsheeT · Answer

I look at it like this they did what they did because they didn't know any better that was my real parents and

My step dad and my mom same thing they didn't know any better they thought they were doing the right thing

And then the third guy she married same thing she didn't know any better

I moved out thinking I knew everything learning that I didn't know anything

So I took everything that I did learn whether it was good or bad picked what I wanted through the rest of the way and they're not when I had a child

I raised him completely the opposite just about And at the same time Understanding that I only knew what I knew But at the same time I would look at every option Forward backwards Right to the left side Up and down Question myself

I was told by my kids that I did a really good job we communicate about everything to this day so I feel pretty proud pretty lucky

And since that is all in the past I can't look at it as any mistakes I look at it it is what it is and I dealt with it and I let it go because that was yesterday there's nothing I can do about it now nor would I I have to use it for a positive not a negative

molonski2 · Answer

Oh wow , this question needs a thesis of an answer , it really does , it's a great question., I will come back and update , coz I have to run a race tomorrow and up 4am..

BUT will just say this and it comes back to the phycology/ therapy we've been talking about , parents do a LOT of damage , I'm back in Thai now but did an Aussie visit , and spent time with my brother ( 81 years ) so much of the bullshit he would go on about was a carry over from our mother , my sister the same.
My any measure these days , my mother had serious problems on so many fronts , listening to her fcked me more than a couple of times , and I'm just hoping I didn't carry on too many of those traits but you do , unthinkingly.

I was also sexually interferred with at age 8 , my a female family friend , and went to a primary school with 5 pedophile teachers ( all male who liked only boys ) , so anyone that glorifies " good ole days " is kidding themselves , I had high anxiety until I got to secondary school , and none of this stuff helped.

I hope to return to the question.

nolabels · Answer

It's not that I'm afraid to go there, because I most definitely have, in analyzing my childhood, but I give grace to my parents for any of their shortcomings.

My dad passed from liver cancer at 42 when I was 11.
Mom then struggled to hold things together for us younger three of the five children who were still living at home.

Now, being 67, having said goodbye to my wife of 32 years who very recently passed from brain cancer, and having a grown son who I know has suffered as a result of the shortcomings of both myself and my wife, my perspective about my upbringing has greatly changed from the one I had when I was a much younger person.

My son seems to be full of anger towards me, but he idolizes his memory of his mother.
I can only accept him for who he now is, be the man that I am towards my son in going forward, with the hope that one day he gives me some grace.
I've already begun to see a small change in him in that direction, but he is his mother's son, extremely closed off, and very unwilling to openly discuss issues.

I also choose to give myself grace.

Cheers!

love_conquers_lust · Answer

Your Mom sounds bipolar. Forgive, but never forget. Remember that those who fail to study/remember history are doomed to repeat it.

I was debating my coworker, well lecturing rather, that while I agree with the notion of respecting my elders, I treat them the same as I would treat anyone else and only respect them IF they act respectabLY. Asians and even some American parents have this problem where they assume if they reach a certain age, they should get automatic respect regardless of their character or their own histories. Being 70 years old does not necessarily mean your 70 years of experience on this Earth translated to 70 years worth of wisdom.

You shouldn't be supporting your birth family at 22. You should be supporting yourself and/or your chosen family. This is another archaic/outdated tradition in Asia and parts of Africa where children are expected to take care of their parents if they survive to adulthood and it's barbaric. Parents who can't take care of themselves shouldn't be procreating if they cannot shoulder the responsibility of raising a child and have to lean on others.

whosnumber_1 · Answer

Oh man... My parents did a lot of shaming and guilting. They are also super critical. They definitely left me with inner child issues that I didn't know I had until much later in life which bubbled up in the form of me pretty much losing my mind and spending the next few years seeing a therapist. Lol.

I've walked a pretty crazy road and can emphasize with how you feel shame. Shame is a very big stumbling block. Probably one of the biggest obstacles in overcoming trauma.

I'd be happy to talk more with you on what your going through.

msc545 · Answer

They didn't talk to me about sex, and they should have, because not talking to me led to some real problems later on. Additionally, the one or two things my father told me were completely incorrect and frightening and haunted me for a long time.

Razp_Sorbet · Answer

We didn't talk about feelings, if I was upset as a kid id be sent to my room. Learning how to regulate my emotions as an adult has been incredibly difficult

MrChinaski · Answer

Thank you for sharing. I am in awe of your honesty, openness and sincerity. Thank you.

Nikki1989 · Answer

Our parents were rarely available because they both worked two jobs six days a week. By the age of eight, I was cooking for myself and doing my own laundry. At least I had to grow up quickly, so it wasn't all bad. By the age of 12, they had vanished from my life entirely. I only saw them one more time after that.

MotherEarth2020 · Answer

Well let's see, I was raised on farm, had to worked and dress like boy on the farm, I still don't know how to act like one of them girly girls,

beenherebefore · Answer

I think my Father especially was always extremely strict and over protective of me and I know that affected me growing up. I could never experience the same things as my friends and often wasn't able to attend the same events or parties as them. I heard NO a lot growing up. That made me rebel in my teenage years and do things I'm not very proud of.

exitseven · Answer

My parents grew up in the inner city. They were older than all the other parents in the neighborhood. I think that my brother and me were the result of a mistake. I do not think that they understood how different life was in the suburbs for kids growing up. They wanted to take their lives from the 1940s in the inner city and just make me and my brother live the same way.

NathanDavis · Answer

we didn't really talk... so they just never knew, even if they knew... they just trusted I would be alright... and, I'm alright... lol

loveslongnails · Answer

Nothing at home. My parents were great, and I had a great teacher in elementary school for three years. However, the schools should have been teaching us another language besides English from a young age. It would have opened worlds to us as citizens, and helped eliminate a lot of the hate that exists towards others we can't communicate with. But that's kind of the plan in the USA, isn't it?

Agape93 · Answer

Emotional neglect  Emotional abuse  Believing a pedophile over me Isolating me Stunting my understanding of the works  Lying to me about my own body etc.  I don't forgive. Fuck em.

MemeSupreme · Answer

whats your relationship like with them now and about every single one you can think of lol mine were very shit and i dont forgive them. i've accepted most of it, but some stuff you just can't

LiamJHayden · Answer

Too much freedom. I was hitting every girl in sight in my teens because of it.

Likes2drive · Answer

To give me some type of direction and be more independent because it took me a long time to figure out what to do in life to be successful and learn how to do things by myself before leaving the house

FunkyMonkee · Answer

Mostly, dad yelling at me for the smallest of mistakes and wishing me dead!

Staximus · Answer

Sounds like you weren't the monster, your mom was

Anonymous · Answer

I'm not sure, but there were probably some mistakes.

Anonymous · Answer

my parents are in general not particularly interested in me

LC75LC71 · Answer

None that I didn't learn from.

Iron_Man · Answer

None at all

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