Boyfriend thinks I should be submissive to him

[candyfloss21]

I am in a 2 month relationship with this guy who is absolutely amazing. He really does everything for me,he helps me around the house, he fills up my car, he buys my groceries, he cooks when I am too tired etc. (we live together)

Anyway, there are a few problems and I want to know wether to stick it out or not. He always says to me that I should obey him and be submissive. I should never try to take the lead in our relationship. When we fight I am not allowed to make any suggestions as how to solve the matter. He says that when it comes to our relationship, he makes the desicions alone. The other thing is that he is always accusing me of cheating. He says that I have to build up his trust before he can stop doing it. He also tells me what I should wear and what not.

I am not allowed to go out with my girlfriends, I have to ask for permission first and if I stay longer than an hour all hell breaks loose. He says I broke the trust in the relationship. (I didn't cheat, I spoke to one of my friends and didn't tell him about it, he later had to find out by checking my cellphone)

I have to say that I have checked up on him a few times and I am positive that he is not cheating on me. He never goes out and drinks with his friends(which I am greatful for) , he tells me when a girls sms's him or talks to him. Since the incident with my friend, I have never kept anything from him or lied to him.

He always tells me how lucky I am to have him and that I don't deserve him and that I will never get another guy like him. He tells me everyday that my blond hair makes me look like a slut and and and...

Please advise me on what to do? don't say talk to him because I have tried and it's like talking to a wall. I want to take action!

Updates

+1 y

Anyway,


Thanks for everyones feedback. I have started to look out for a place of my own (I didn't tell him though) and I plan to leave him when I have found a new place.


He really has not been physically abusive toward me but he has said things like he wants to hit me or he can easily kill me because I'm so inferior. (should've seen red lights)

I realize now that he will never change and I deserve someone that will accept me for who I am (blonde hair and all).

[InquisitiveMale]

I just want to point out some stuff for any guys out there reading this and thinking... "wtf, why is she with him?". I have a habit of doing this to members. I completely ignore the question and outline the inner makings of the situation from a guys prospective and how the average guy user should be using the information he's gathering from the question. Hopefully it helps you understand as well in the process.

Yes, he is a d***, but how does he still get the girl?

Attraction is not a choice. If you don't spark an attraction with a girl from the start, and she's not feeling those emotions, it's incredibly hard if not impossible to change her mind. On the other hand, if you meet a girl, and you do spark an attraction, it is out of her control and no matter how much social pressure from family or friends she can't change that.

He gives himself value by letting her know that his time is important and he is the one who is "the catch" in the relationship. And because he really believes it so strongly it makes her believe it as well. That's an example of two belief systems clashing and the stronger one coming out on top.

He leads the relationship. Now I don't agree with how he is going about this at all but most women do want you to lead; women want you to take control of the situation. He's doing it an forceful manor, which is why she is protesting, but ideally you want to do it in a way that still gives her the choice. A simple example would be going out somewhere; you say "we're going to blah's for dinner". You didn't ask them if they wanted to go, and they could say no, but they don't. Psychologically it sets yourself up in the relationship as the leader and women are attracted to that. They want the alfa.

How can you not find this stuff interesting? Because he is able to project these two simple things he has somehow managed to keep a girl in such a restrained and confined relationship. It goes to show that attraction is not logical. It doesn't conform to the rules of logic. So many people are in the frame of mind that if your nice, accommodating, and affectionate, that she's going to like you. Things don't work that way.

This guy has her asking permission to leave the house. He screens her phone and consistently makes accusations toward her. He's verbally abusive and completely dominates the relationship (keep in mind domineering and dominate are two different things). He is the definition of an ass but he still has the girl.

[Kaeden]

He's the very definition of obsessive and terrible boyfriend, and that's everything girls hate! All that crap about "girls wanting dominant alpha man" is pure rationalization!

Girls who value their pride dump such animals!

Only girls who are feeble-minded allow themselves to be abused!

[InquisitiveMale]

Never would I tell anyone to be abusive nor have I ever. You're reading this and trying to conform it to your idea of what you think is logical. Fact is she is with him because she is attracted to him. I'm simply highlighting the defining characters of what got him into the relationship with her to begin with. The fact is you don't have to be a d*** to attract a girl. He got the girl "despite" being a d*** is what I'm trying to convey and why.

[Kaeden]

You're right that attraction isn't a choice but you're wrong thinking that attraction is like a force majeure.

She didn't started it because he's an ass, she started it because she taught he's a good guy - helps on house stuff, etc. but now he showed his true colors!

But what I meant by girls who value their pride is that even if they are attracted to someone, they still dump them because of their bad qualities which later appear to the surface!

Because they know they deserve better!

[InquisitiveMale]

Read over a couple more times. Maybe I'm not conveying it properly, ether way, you're misinterpreting the message.

[justagirl42]

this isn't what women mean when they say they want their man to take control of the situation just to be clear(even though you aren't saying that). They mean like he takes the initiative to make some plans instead of expecting her to always do it(I made reservations at your favorite place for Fri). This is nothing like that...he's controlling her. not the same thing. And I do find it interesting because obviously she has some kind of daddy issues or she has no self esteem or she's co dependent.

[candyfloss21]

Okay first things first...

He is not a Muslim, he is a white christian. I have never had low self esteem or daddy issues or anything like that. I started getting low self esteem since whe have been dating.

Secondly, I was attracted to him at first because of all the nice stuff he did for me (we were seeing each other for about 6 months before we started dating). Agter we movedin together however, he started acting like this and I am really starting to believe all the brainwashing

[JohnnyBlaze]

The way I see it, you have two choices: leave or learn to live with it. He's not going to change, so getting him to see the light is just not going to happen.

It doesn't matter that he buys gas for the car or groceries for the fridge. He doesn't treat you like you deserve to be treated. You're right, he is amazing...but not in the good way. He controls who you see and how long you see them for, he says you look like a slut, he thinks you should feel lucky to be with him and not the other way around, and he thinks you should be submissive to him. Any one of those things on their own is grounds for leaving. Put them all together? They're grounds for him getting his a** kicked the day after you move out.

Hopefully, he's right about one thing - you'll never get another guy like him. I pray you never do. You deserve better.

I promise you, there are good guys out there. Guys who think your blond hair makes you look like an angel, not a slut. Guys who WANT you to go out with your friends; who think you deserve to have a life of your own. Guys who are honest and loving (loving, not controlling) and faithful. We really are out there; we're just not always who you'd expect us to be.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe what I just read...I have to say that I agree with EVERYONE. How can you think this guy is so amazing when you just portrayed him to be such a controlling terrible a**hole? He is EXACTLY the man NO WOMAN should ever be with. If he hasn't hit you yet trust me, it IS coming. Then what will you do? Most women who are in physically abusive relationships are too scared that the man will kill/hurt them if they leave. Then they spend years dealing with it. It sounds like this guy fits that psychotic abuser profile. I just hope you have damn good health insurance for when he puts you in the hospital.

If you don't want freedom, friends, independance, a LIFE and want to be this guys DOG at the end of his leash day in and day out, then by all means, he is the perfect guy for you. You broke the trust by talking to one of your friends. He had to find out by checking your phone? Say good bye to your friends. One day you may spend 61 minutes with them and then he cuts you off for good.

This question acutally angers me. Why don't you smarten up, realize you can pick just about anybody else to be with and they will still be better than this guy and watch a little Lifetime TV.

[MissAndee]

As a man and his ability to provide it sounds great. But your safety and happiness, there is a lack of. I wouldn't say the issue is whether or not he is cheating on you I would be more concerned about how he is treating me. Unless you are a minor you should not be treated as one. If you are a grown woman it is up to you to take ownership as a woman. Meaning demand your respect which includes space, privacy, identity and trust.

Space- you should be able to have time with your girlfriends without curfews. Be respectful and know what is appropriate.

Privacy- your phone is yours and his is his; respect each others privacy and try to maintain some trust within the relationship.

Identity- a part of being who you are is making choices on your own. Wear what you want to wear.

Trust- you two need to have trust or you have nothing but a waste of time.

I would leave. You are two months in and that is not a lot of time invested. Leave before its too late to have an option. My best friend, 13 years ago made plans to leave and she didn't make it. He stabbed her to death.

[Tigerbaby994]

Please, get out and get out now. I grew up with a father exactly like him. If not for yourself please think about the children that could be involved. I witnessed things as a child that were terrible. Get out while you can. Please, I am begging you, don't put yourself or any future children at risk.

You deserve so much better. I can tell you are a beautiful person and you deserved to be treated right, all the time, not part of the time.

Get out because I promise if you don't you will regret it the rest of your life. Don't let him trick you into staying. I know his kind, believe me. I've spent the last sixteen years with that kind of guy as a father. He will not change, he is not any different. Do not stay.

It's your choice in the end, of course. But it may be the last choice you are ever allowed to make if you stay with him.

[LaLa19Inu7]

Wow...this reminds me of Ryoki and Hatsumi's relationship in the comic book series "Hot Gimmick"...sorry..lol..major comic book fan here...unfortunately Hatsumi stays with Ryoki...tsk tsk..hopefully you are not as dumb as she was. Um...he sounds like a crazy dude...have you left him yet? It's been 8 months...is the crazy dude out of your life? Oh and just because someone is not abusing you physically now...doesn't mean they won't in the long run. Think about this: The smartest abusive people would want to gain your trust first before they abuse you...that way they are more in control later on...since you trusting and loving them so much makes it harder for you to get away.

[Anonymous]

I'll make a guess - he's a Muslim!

Yes, like a Harem host he is supposed to give you any material and financial favours he's able to, helps around all house stuff but at the same time he's being a total misogynist!

That's what Muslims are - complete and total misogynists, they treat women as inferior and as a property, they don't allow them to make any decisions, and god forbid - to have some kind of freedom!

And Muslims don't drink!



From one side - it's a woman's dream! No worries about stupid housing sh*t, no worries about money, and you got a dominant alpha man who's in charge of making decisions instead of a wuss who may say "well... whatever you want to do, we gonna do"

But this guy is taking it too far! He's clearly paranoid that you may cheat without any evidence or reason at all, plus I wonder whether or not he requires you to wear a veil over your face and hair!

How can a boyfriend be "amazing" if he calls his girlfriend a SLUT because of her blond hair! It's beyond me, as I adore blondes!

You're right that talking to him won't change anything, it would be like trying to convert him to a different religion (more or less religion influence behavioral patterns) and you know that's impossible!

There's vast evidence that Muslim men can and are physically abusive to their girlfriends and wives, given enough time! They can slap, kick, punch them and even to throw them out of the window without any worries about the police and the law! And actually they are even encouraged to do it - to beat them into submission, if she's rebellious!

Not to mention financial dependence of those women - that's why at the beginning they don't receive beatings, but as soon as they're dependent on all that Harem host's perks, she's unable to break free to end the abuse they suffer!

Even if he's not a Muslim(but I'm pretty sure he is) you must get the hell outta there as soon as possible!

What you see as "amazing" is just an outer shell, but now you got to see what's lurking inside! And it's damn ugly!

[MrEM4N]

I got Muslim vibes off this guy, too. I've only met one other person who sincerely believed that woman were inferior to men and that it's a man's right to make the decisions in the relationship. He was Muslim from the Middle East. I'm not saying all Muslims are like that but this extreme behavior reminded me of extreme Muslims.

[Apodyopsis]

I thought the same thing, I swear.

Muslim guys in my country are all like that - at least most of them :\

[violets2014]

This is absolutely ridiculous. There are controlling men everywhere. You just used this question as a rant on how you hate Muslims. I don't know where you got most of your facts but I have a lot of Muslim friends and they are exactly like regular families. I suggest you take time to read the quran before you make bigoted judgments. This man is abusive. That doesn't make him Muslim. They aren't mutually exclusive.

[Opinion Owner]

I'm sorry I offended you or your friends, but this is how I see it! That guy got all the traits of a typical Muslim! Whether or not he really is one actually doesn't even matter but as I said I'm damn sure he is one!

[Bleep]

Holy snap that guy sounds like he has some serious issues!

Let's dissect this.

First off I like to do things for girls I like, but not to that extent, there's ALWAYS personal space, that is absolutely vital in my opinion. I don't smother her with favors and gifts as I personally think that's creepy. I give her gifts and do things for her at appropriate times when I know it'll make her happy. I'm not her babysitter or santa claus.

Now I may not be Mr.Romeo or nothing, but when it comes to relationships TRUST is absolutely vital. Honesty is also great especially when everything is transparent and you can share who you talk/do stuff with- however this should come out naturally, never forced! Of course a girl I'm with can see her friends and go out without me! Hey sometimes I want to have a guys night with my buddies, personal space is very important. We like each other right? So we should be able to trust each other!

The point is, he's trying to make you dependent on him. All the while he's putting you down and destroying your self esteem, what kind of a man does that to the woman he's with? He's obsessed and he's a control freak, he wants you on a leash. If you were to stray away to where he doesn't want you he'll tug on that leash via insulting you or making you feel like you can't do anything without him!

Now you might be wondering how you can change him or fix him, problem is...you can't. Trust me YOU CAN'T, no matter what he says or promises THIS WILL ONLY GET WORSE. He has some deep rooted issues! I don't mean to scare you but control freak guys like him who do just as you described could very well turn violent if you let this relationship go farther and then with no self esteem and a psychological dependance on him, good luck leaving him then!

You need to get away from him and don't look back.

[Toni88]

wow...this guy is totally controlling and has issues within himself that need to be dealt with.

this relationship doesn't sound healthy at all.

i hope you realize that him calling you a slut because of hair color isn't cool, the fact he always accuses of cheating isn't cool, the fact your not allowed to go out isn't cool, the fact he keeps you from seeing your friends, the fact you have to ask for permission...ETC

Most I can say is to try to express to him that your faithful and he has nothing to worry about. Though...since you already said for us to not tell you to talk to him (cuz that's what you should you do, before things get worse)...then I rele have no advice for u

[Belgie]

Action? Dump him and run a country mile.

He is one insecure controlling freak if you ask me.

And yes, you could probably date 50 years and never ever once run into a guy like him. I'm just sorry you rolled snake-eyes, and did.

You don't deserve him. No one does. No one deserves to be treated like that.

Run.

Run fast.

Run far.

[swagger]

Get the fook out now I'd say... Why did you decide to move in within 2 months anyway. That's nowhere near long enough to know each other...

This guy is abusing you. Mentally. He makes out he is great by doing everything for you but in reality he is taking away your ability to be independant. He is Grooming you to be his slave, his prisoner.

He don't go out with his Friends because he don't have none. Or the ones he does have are associates and not close friends.

GET OUT NOW!

[bathtubbuddy]

Get rid of him now! a relationship is for 2 people! Each one with the right to make decisions equally. Its a nice gesture blah blah blah to buy groceries and stuff but at the cost of what? your freedom? Plus he's just a boyfriend... and he wants to be in control like this? imagine if you got married. You would be miserable. You have the right to see your friends for as long as you like.

he is right. you don't deserve him. you deserve someone who can respect you better.

[violets2014]

Um, hello! These are obvious warning sign of an abusive relationship. Get out of it while you still can.

"He says that when it comes to our relationship, he makes the desicions alone."

^ Then it can be considered 'OUR' if he is doing all the decisions. Seriously, leave this creep.

[kazakins]

I'm actually sickened reading this.

do you have low self esteem?

do you think you should settle?

do you hate yourself this much?

Because darling if you don't feel like that now, he sure as hell is gonna make you feel that way if this continues.

Get the F*** out of there now.

Tell him he is too controlling your not a slut, HE doesn't deserve you and HE is an insecure arrogant twat then leave.

If not your gonna crash and burn and not get back up.

Be smart. Leave. Now.

[lananoel]

I totally agree with all answers ! My favorites are arguments against him that use his possible religion... Sometimes people learn that their behavior is wrong others change naturally over time ... You cannot argue against a bible, a Torah, or a Quran you just can not argue with religion. PERIOD! He will be this person his entire life. If you don't like that. RUN!

[jadejess]

He's a controlling, manipulative, emotional abuser. The only solution is to get rid of him if you ever want to have a life of your own, with the freedom to speak to and hang out with your friends when you want.

[AnonyLady07]

He sounds extremely controlling. He isn't going to change and it will only get worse. Some of the stuff he is doing and saying is emotional abuse. You need to leave him. This relationship will only end badly. Get out now.

[Verimas]

I'd get out of that relationship if I was you, you don't deserve to have to put up with that. And he may become physically abusive in the future. You should find Somone who respects you and treats you as an equal not a slave or child.

[Skyler123]

OH SH*T! Sounds like you got a controlling bastard on your hands.! I would run and never look back! I'd cover your tracks too in this race away from him too if I were you.

[Ugliness]

Congrats on getting out of there. The only way you should be submissive to HIM is if you get to take turns. And he's submissive to you the next day etc.

[rallz93]

break up with him ...i think no matter how good he is to you , he can't treat you that way .C'mon girl , you should've known better.

[SXEPunk]

Relationships are equal, you aren't his pet or slave or property.

He's gotta treat you better or get a better guy.

[InquisitiveMale]

There has never been he existence of an equal relationship. We all have a social hierarchy for things.

but I'm not arguing he's not a complete ass.

[Tigerbaby994]

I'm so glad and so proud! You're doing the right thing!

[bathtubbuddy]

lol thatagirl! I'm glad you are approaching this the good way. I wish you the best! :D

[TexPlayboy]

Run baby Run...

good luck

James

[MrWrong]

Dump his sorry ass.