My boyfriend does not think I'm submissive enough?

[Unrealiseddream]

I've been with him 1 year. He says he wants me to trust him no questions asked. He wanted me to purchase a vacation and when I said let me take some time to think about finances he said I take entirely too long to make decisions and I don't trust him to make decisions for us. He said he wants someone who responds to his suggestions immediately. He said his family and friends do what he says immediately and I ask too many questions. He says I just want a comfortable life and don't want to take risks or do the things he has planned for us. He broke up with me. Is this signs of a controlling man? I want to get back together but I doubt I can ever be a no questions asked kind of woman.

[abc3643]

Not necessarily controlling, but not a good sign either.

I was on the fence with him because I empathize a bit, but this that you wrote is what made me realize you are likely better off without him.

"He said he wants someone who responds to his suggestions immediately."

To me, that's indicative of a fool because he will jump the gun in life and get into some trouble because he didn't think it through.

=====

There's a tough balance with this sort of thing. My wife and I have a similar problem. I want her buy-in on things and value her input, but there are many times and situations when I know exactly what I am doing and I know more than she does and, because of the nature of my mind and training, my thoughts are disciplined, so I really do not want to argue or discuss the matter and I wish she would just trust me that I will do what is best for us. That's how my mother was with my father - she trusted him and he took care of us.

Now, at the same time, my wife is pretty smart and intuitive and knows a great deal more than me about a lot of stuff and this is a reason why I married her. I trust her judgment and tell her so in those words quite often, but we'll get into an argument if I believe that she's making a mistake because of what __I__ know that she doesn't have a good feeling or knowledge about. And, unfortunately, my trusting her judgment was a mistake because she is more like your (ex-) boyfriend; she jumps the gun and doesn't think things through which I usually do. In short, she is like your (ex-) boyfriend and I am more like you. At the same time, you and my wife are also a bit similar as well in not completely trusting your man.

Good luck, young lady. You can always PM me if you wish.

[Unrealiseddream]

You have just hit the nail on the head. He wants the relationship your parents had. Where the trust and follow thing leads the way. Instead I like to think discuss map out and it's driving him crazy because he says no one in his life " questions " him except me. He doesn't value my judgement or decision making. It makes it hell for me... but I respect that he wasn't enjoying it much either in fact I found the whole blind trust rather scarey. Especially in the area of financial decisions!

[abc3643]

That's understandable and, in finances, that is exactly where priorities need to be. My wife is not good with finances, but she never takes my advice and does what she wants until the School of Hard Knocks teaches her what I tried to tell her. But it doesn't matter because, once she is out of trouble, it starts all over again. I am like in the "Groundhog Day" of trouble...

[Flatmanlewis]

This guy is bad news, and that’s based off this one single data point. Tell me a dozen more stories and I’ll bet none of them will change my mind.


Now: If he makes all the money and you’re his trad-wife and you got into a relationship with the understanding that he makes the income and you make the home, then perhaps then (and really only then) can I see him having the right to even think you should do as your told in this regard. Even then, my understanding of a trad-wife marriage is it’s still more of a partnership with clearly delineated responsibilities - NOT a submission to a man’s dominance.


If you make your own money it’s up to you to decide how to best spend it. Him expecting immediate compliance is a danger sign and, this is a just a BOYFRIEND! What happens when (if) your married and you have real issues like how to raise children, buy cars and real estate, fund parents medical care, retirement plans, heck - even just where to spend the holidays?


An inability to compromise and see other perspective’s is a very bad thing. You should be glad he’s gone and move on, learning from this experience.

[Unrealiseddream]

Thankyou for sharing this perspective with me. It's very sobering. You are right it's not sustainable and the effect it's had on my nervous system. My heart is racing even writing this.

[Flatmanlewis]

Step back. Find the stillness in your heart. Reflect on this simple fact: in a healthy relationship we receive as much happiness as we give. If that isn’t in balance, it just doesn’t work. It’s okay. Give yourself permission to be happy and be with someone who makes you happe.

[FreyaRed]

He needs a dog not a girlfriend.

"Is this signs of a controlling man?"
controlling and not really smart. You don't gain control while demanding submission. You gain control while the person you want to control acknowledges your leadership is beneficial for them.

[Unrealiseddream]

This is such a good point. It really worked well when he exercised soft power. The moment he went ful on demanding I pulled back.

[elizamichale1]

Well i m a sub myself n my partner is a very strong dom... i never say no to him no matter what or when or where... n he oves me so dearly too

[Unrealiseddream]

Sounds like you enjoy it ! Good for you. I find always being suggested and questioned and directed tiring and relentless.

[elizamichale1]

Yea u can say tht... i like being a sub tbh...
Why do u feel it tht way if i may ask...

[elizamichale1]

Thanks for MHO

[ImHere22]

He's an ass and you're better off without him. I really doubt he's telling you the truth about people doing what he says immediately. The guy clearly has control issues and needs to feel like he's always in charge. Hopefully, though unlikely, he'll seek professional help for his issues.

Meanwhile, no need to worry about his ass anymore! Now you can focus on you, and take a much better vacation than whatever lame trip he pretended to plan, since you are planning and budgeting, you'll find the better deals and make a better vacation on your own.

If you play your cards right and avoid dangerous guys like him, I'd bet you'll end up being much, much happier and successful than him.

[veganrogue]

You can't be something that you are not. If he wants a super submissive woman that snaps to attention every time he barks an order, unless serving him like that provides you with a great deal of satisfaction, it's not sustainable. Time to find someone who values you the way you are, not what he wants you to become.

[Unrealiseddream]

I needed this. Thankyou.

[SotiCoto]

Kneecap him with a baseball bat to assert dominance. Become Ungovernable.

[Unrealiseddream]

Funny lol

[sawno]

Is this signs of a controlling man? Yeah pretty much textbook. He's a fit for a girl that doesn't want to make decisions, you can find someone who suits you better.

[Unrealiseddream]

You are right. I've become accustomed to him controlling me that it's hard to even let go.

[Drumlin2001]

Sounds like a textbook example of a controlling partner. Pity everyone else enables their behaviour

[patrick994]

It could be a sign that he is trying to control you. If you notice overly possessive attitudes, I advise you to leave him;

[Jmmmfi4]

HERE'S MY PROBLEM WITH THIS... IF SOMEBODY ORDERED ME TO COUGH UP MY MONEY TO PAY FOR A VACATION FOR THEM I COULDN'T TELL THEM TO FUCK OFF FAST ENOUGH

[Staximus]

Why the hell would you want to get back together with a control freak idiot like that guy

[spartan55]

Again, where do you women find these absolute shitbags and get into relationships with them?

[MikeTheBartender]

He wants the woman to pay for his vacation? How old is your boyfriend?

[Unrealiseddream]

He's an independent travel agent. He wanted me to purchase the vacation from his company. It's not for us it's for me and a friend.

[Unrealiseddream]

*not just for us but me, him and a friend but specifically from his company

[Tharithi]

Sure he can pay for everything immediately. Why isn’t he doing if

[Unrealiseddream]

He wanted me to pay and I just asked for time to figure it out. He says I need to basically be ready to act when HE says so.

[Tharithi]

Lol 😂 tell him he has no balls and fucking run away

[KrakenAttackin]

There is a time and place for a woman to STFU and believe her man. Men make the world work so it stands to reason, at times, you need to STFU and do what he says.

[Jmmmfi4]

AMEN

[LiamJHayden]

You can do better than a spoiled control freak.

[msc545]

You are lucky he left you. Don't look back.

[Anonymous]

that’s his problem. Don’t worry about it

[Unrealiseddream]

I wish it was that easy.

[RevengeofLadyJ]

Yes stay away from him