I'm 22, she's 17... we're at different stages of our lives... is it appropriate to date & would it work?

[billy_young]

I'm 22, in my final year of university, I have a responsible job and I live away from home with uni friends. I'm back at my parents' home for Christmas and I've been chatting to and hung out with a girl who lives nearby. She's really sweet and lovely and beautiful and I've found myself falling for her. I'm 99.9% sure that she's had a bit of a crush on me for about a year - we've been chatting on Facebook a little bit and I've given her advice sometimes. But, she's 17, got another year and a half left at college, and still lives with her parents.

So I want your opinions on if it would be appropriate for us to date or not? and do you think it would work or not with our lives being at such different stages?

Thanks in advance :)

Updates

+1 y

Thanks to those of you who have already answered. By the way, I've already pretty much made up my mind about what I'm going to do (I'll tell you in another update tomorrow when people have answered). If everyone says the opposite to what I thought then I might change my mind, but I'm mainly just interested in getting people's opinions on the matter and to get an insight into how she might be feeling about it all.

Thanks :)

Updates

+1 y

Also, just to point out that in the UK (where I live) 18 is the minumum age to drink so she already goes out to bars, and 16 is the minimum legal age to have sex so there wouldn't be anything illegal if we did get together and ended up in a serious relationship.

Updates

+1 y

Thanks everyone for answering. When I asked this question I had already decided that I'm not going to take things any further with her. She's lovely and I think we can get on really well, but I think friends would be best for 2 reasons:

1 - I don't really want to go out with someone who is still at school & lives with their parents. It's a massively different perspective on life from mine, plus I don't want to have to travel home all the time to see her.

2 - She is coming up to the years...

[genevieve]

are you sure it's not illegal? from what I've got in most countries it's always satatory rape if someone who is over 18 sleeps with a minor. If there's only 4 years or less age difference the waive the sentence, assuming it was consenusal.

Apart from that, I think it would work. When I first read your question, I thought no because when she's 17 she must be a senior in high school, and as you proably know during the time when you leave home, go to University, make new friends ... you start to have a totally different life than before. So not only would your lifestyles and current goals be very different, she would probably also change a lot during those 1 or 2 years.

However considering she's already going to college, I think your not even at that different stages in your life. If she's 17 and in higher education already she must be fairly smart and mature

[billy_young]

Hmmm, I thought that because over the age of 16 you could consent to sex, it wouldn't be illegal but I'm not sure now.

Ah, slight translation issue there lol. In the UK, we have different names to you for schools. High school = comprehensive or secondary school (age 11-16 I think). Then we have further education where you choose between college or sixth form (age 16-18). Then at 18 you can go to university (higher education) which I think is what you call college in America. So basically,...

[billy_young]

, she's still in school. So I guess what you originally thought is what you would now advise (about her having to grow up & change when she leaves home etc before)?

[genevieve]

oh OK, I didn't realize that, sorry.

Then ya forget what I said in the last bit. I think it would be very hard to make it work, for the reasosn I named.

[billy_young]

No worries, thanks :)

[XRabbitHeartX]

When I was 16 I was in a relationship with a guy who was 21. He had a full time job, a house and a car, pretty much had it all sorted out. Anyways we worked out pretty well. I'm not with him now due to other reasons but bottom line we had no problems with the fact that we were at different stages. It all comes down to maturity levels. We got along great cause for the first time I had a guy in my life who was mature, who was going somewhere in life and someone I could have decent conversations with and have more life experience to share with me. If this girl is mature enough for you and she fulfils what you look for and doesn't annoy you in any way then I don't see why not. It is possible and it can work out.

[billy_young]

Thanks a lot for your answer. You nearly convinced me there. She's very mature for her age, but when I went out with her the other day I realized how much difference 5 years makes. She drank a bottle of wine and I think it was the first time she'd been really drunk. I remember how I felt when I was that age and I realize it's a time when she's really discovering who she is and developing as a person. I don't want to stop that by giving her the responsibility of a serious relationship with...

[billy_young]

...someone as mature as me. What do you think?

[Skyler123]

Just go with what you KNOW, not with how you feel. That's the major issue a lot of people have they make decisions based off of their feelings rather than off of logical thinking. If you think this girl is mature enough for you to date then go for it! However if you think her not being at a financially stable point in her life right now is making you apprehensive then you should listen to your gut feelings. Usually it is ALWAYS right, I don't know why but your intution is ALWAYS right in situations like these. If you're feeling apprehension because of a very strong lingering though in the back of your head, then maybe it would be wise to listen to it.

[billy_young]

Thanks. I had already decided to go with my head and not my heart. My heart is saying that she's mature for her age, she's mature enough to like someone as mature as me and she's really sweet and has lots of the same interests as me etc so the age difference shouldn't matter. However my head is saying that she's still really young and has a lot of growing up to do over the next few years and things wouldn't work out in the long run (more than a few months) because our lives are so different.

[Anonymous]

Ok...I'm gonna throw some science at you...think about your decisions you made at 17 then at 22...different I'm sure (I hope) due to your still developing pre-frontal cortex (decision making part of your brain). This part of your brain develops into your 20's.

She may be a sweet, incredible girl who is a great catch but in the next 5 years she's going to change and grow and want different things. So on the question of dating...sounds like you want to date her...no harm in it, just don't be surprised if what you both want doesn't split apart at some point. There may be lessons learned for both of you...who knows though...good luck either way!

[billy_young]

Thanks for your scientific input :) I like evidence to help me decide, so you have confirmed my thoughts that basically she is still going through the stages in her life when she is developing and growing as a person. However for me, that suggests that I shouldn't date her because things aren't likely to work out in the long-term AND I'm likely to hold back her development by giving her a serious relationship so she can't experiment and learn the way most people do by going through different...

[billy_young]

...relationships etc. That's kind of what happened to me and my ex because we were together from 15 - aged 21, so I don't want to restrict her in what could be the most exciting years of her life. Do you think that's a valid point or do you think that I would just be another one of her learning experiences if we did date?

[Anonymous]

I have to say that the relationship I had with a guy who was at such a different stage in life didn't work out for me in the end. He had different priorities and unintentionally downplayed mine. (I mean, he was caring and showed support in some ways, but school work was like "kid stuff" to him while it was very important to me at the time.)

[billy_young]

Thanks, that's really useful to hear. I think that is one of my main worries... I think she is mature enough, and financial stability, having a job etc doesn't really matter to me, but it's how very different our perspectives on life are likely to be and how we spend our time and what our priorities are etc, so thank you, you have helped to confirm my thoughts.

[Anonymous]

I'm pretty much in the same situation, just in the girls position. I would wait till she is 18, but hang out in the meantime and go on unofficial dates. It would be worth the wait if you like her that much already.

[billy_young]

Thanks, that's interesting. Why do you think I should just wait until she's 18 and not until she's gone to university or whatever? Is it because it becomes legal at 18? Do you think the being at different stages in life isn't an issue then, it's only the legality that matters?

I really like your idea of hanging out and going on unofficial dates though. I was planning on just telling her straight that I like her but I think we should just be friends to avoid any confusion and hurt. Do you...

[billy_young]

think this is a good idea or should I just keep seeing her and being semi-flirty but not actually making it official?

Thanks

[hakuna_matata]

i think it won't really work. but you can give it a try

[billy_young]

Thanks, why do you think that? And why do you think it's worth a try if it's unlikely to work?