Why does my brother hate me so much?

[Anonymous]

My brother is 3 years older than me. Ever since I was 10-11, he has been hitting me all d time. We have never even had a conversation so far though we live in the same house. He hits me for no reason. I my skin does not bruise easily and anyway he punches me so there are no marks I can show. It just hurts so much. Earlier, my parents used to talk to him about it and told me 2 put up with it for sometime cos its some kind of a 'teenage phase' . Now even if they shout at him, he does not care. If I don't do stuff he asks me to, he hits me. Randomly also he hits me and shouts at me. It hurts so much cos I want him to love me, not hate. He is 19 and super popular with friends and really sweet to them. But to me, he is a devil. He also destroys things of mine which matter a lot to me. I sometimes try to tell my friends but I don't cos I either feel like I am starting to be some pity begger or I feel I'm making a big deal out of something small. Also, I am guy shy and somehow blame him for that? What's wrong with me?

[jacquesvol]

I don't think you're to blame or that something is wrong with you or with your brother.

It happens often that older (brothers? IDK) siblings don't like their second-in-row younger siblings.

Why?

I read about two motives/causes:

1.

-A first motive goes back to jealousy when the younger were born and the older had to share their parent's attention with the newborn (new toddler). It won't lead to big issues at that moment (the older one may start all kind of things to get more attention but don't turn directly against the newcomer) The old jealousy will be buried deep down in the mind of the first born, often punished by the parents for not being kind enough towards his new sister, for not giving his toys to her)

2.

-A second motive comes when the youngest reaches adolescence: older adolescents had to argue, battle with their parents to get pocket money, to get a lot of freedoms.

When the younger sibling reaches adolescence, they often get these handed matter of factly, because the older did the arguing and had the hard times before. That creates resentment towards the younger sibling (Of course, the resentment should be directed against the parents or against 'the system')

As far as I know it can be worse between same sex siblings.

A third kid in the family often 'equalizes' the older ones.

The 3 years age difference could well be a factor too: a three year old toddler (your brother) hasn't yet the brain to understand the situation and gets hurt by it.

All that is deep down in him, probably without him even realizing it.

The fault here seems to lie with the parents who managed the education of the oldest one in a wrong way when the youngest was born and growing up.

Moreover, when the oldest was born, the parents were less experienced at educating kids: the oldest one was a kind of 'testing ground' for what the parents knew about education, thus they were experimenting more and demanding more too, expecting more, which puts pressure and stress on the first born, of course.

When the next kids comes it's more routine, more relaxed.

But did the parents know better? Probably not.

That's for the 'WHY?'

Now, I'm sorry, but I never read about how to rectify a situation like that, so many years later.

My first reaction would be to advise you to discuss it with your parents. However, they won't feel guilty: in their opinion they did the best they could and anyhow, going back in time is no option.

My second reaction would be to try a kind of 'charm offensive' towards your brother, becoming his accomplice in some way: you write you're 'guy shy': he could help you there, with advice and contacts.

cintinued...

[Asker]

I have bn to 2-3 school counsellors. They ralked to him. It only got worse.

I can't really talk to him cos the only time when we are close is when he is hitting me

frankly I'm just TIRED of all this

[jacquesvol]

These two are just my reactions, nothing more. I regret not knowing what's the best solution for you both. (he has been unhappy at moments, be sure of it)

Maybe you could ask the opinion of a counsellor at your school: they must meet the problem quite often.

I hope this helped you a bit to understand what's (been) going on, not just now but for years.

[jacquesvol]

As AzureGirl writes, his way of treating ou is not normal anymore.

[jacquesvol]

As AzureGirl writes, his way of abusing you is not 'normal' anymore.

[AzureGirl]

I agree that going to a school counsellor is a good way to go and get help with this. Being shy can be a result of being abused, among other things, which I'm just saying from experience because I'm that way because of it too. But seeing a councelor would really help with that and anything else that could have resulted from being abused.

[jacquesvol]

I just reread the text I typed... I apologize for the spelling, grammar & syntaxis errors in it.

(I usually reread my texts better than that :-$ . Let's keep it at the fact that I'm no native English speaker , that I was in a hurry and that my ext was too long to write it in one post)

[Anonymous]

There's nothing wrong with you, obviously he has an issue and takes it out on you, you probably are the weakest person he knows and it seems like he's also aware of the fact that if he hits you there won't be many consequences.

You need to talk to your parents again, be determined and show them how they can't ignore what's happening, just hoping he changes.

Your brother needs help to control himself.

Who knows one day he could hit his girlfriend or someone else... in that case there won't be your parents to protect him.

They can't live in wonderland, they need to see the reality and act consequently.

[AzureGirl]

Nothing, it sounds like he's the one with the problem.

What's he like with your parents? I'm just wondering.

Sounds like he needs some help. Have him go to a councelor or something, because that's abuse. He shouldn't be hitting you or being so bad to you for no reason.

[jacquesvol]

Indeed: bad feelings, even animosity and hostility between siblings are not abnormal, but abuse certainly is!

[AzureGirl]

Yes! I think there is something really up with this. I used to have an older step brother who would hit my sister with things but it was all in good fun and nothing to really hurt her. All in all, we all got along. But her brother really needs to stop, because he's taking it to a whole new level.

My friend's brother has a similar situation, but he's younger and takes it out on his father. He's been sent to jail twice, is about to go again because of it and has a councelor, which helps some.

[Asker]

Hes pretty rude with my parents to and it just gets worse. Today he started hitting me from the minute he opened the doorbell when I returned from school

[AzureGirl]

You could get a pfa against him or something (it's pretty much a prevention against abuse restraining order.) I know that would force him to move out because he wouldn't be able to be around you, but it would help greatly in terms of abuse.

[Asker]

Here in india, you really cannot apply for pfa's. Unless you are being stabbed or something but thanks :)

[AzureGirl]

Oh, Ididn't know that, sorry! Well, is there any way you could get some professional help for him? Councelors or maybe even a police officer or something. My friends brother who I mentioned in a previous comment spent his time in jail and came back better than he was. Unfortunately he reverted back and is going again. But maybe it will help

[Asker]

Til any I hv nt toldanybody other than 1-2 friends bt this cos I hate being a pity monger :p. But yesterday I gave my parents a deadline after a particularly bad beatingi could actually talk in a controlled voice with no tears no anger and no emotion at all. I think that jolted them.i told them very calmly that if they can't take him to a psychologist by Tuesday, I would get external help. My parents are worried about my brothers behavior too and they have all this family pride. So I'm pretty sure

[AzureGirl]

Okay that's good :) Sometimes it's good to take control of the situation. Let me know what happens! And good luck! :)

[Asker]

Sure :) and thnx :)