I understand that innately nobody is good. I accepted that a long time ago. My understanding was that hopefully the more good I did the better my life would be. But it’s backfired a lot. Good gestures get unappreciated, loyalty is met with disloyalty, direct and honest communication is met with passive aggressive or cop outs, trying to control my own temper gets taken as weakness, being generous gets taken advantage of. And often I try to be the kind of person who I want to meet or receive. Not that I never fall short but I make a constant effort and if anyone calls me out I do make my best efforts to improve. However, I can’t remember a time when anyone has ever told me “your a bad person.” Or anything of that nature. Usually people tell me I’m doing everything right. Even if I beg people to admit to some flaw or shortcoming I have I never get an answer. I even constantly have people at work tell me “your the nicest person I ever worked with.” So even though I know that I’m not innately good I must be having some impact that people who know me often perceive me as good. But often, it feels like it’s just me and god against the very world which praises “goodness” but perpetually takes it for granted. And more often than not, it feels like it’s me begging for guidance and answers in tearful prayer and thanking Him for my blessings which little by little keep getting taken away from me in one form or another whether it’s losing something that made me happy or never finding joy in my life and pleading for a blessing. I believe that it very well may be something I did or something in me that deserves it and I try-I try SO hard to see the bigger picture but I am depressed. I beg god daily for help. But even as I write all this I don’t just want to complain. I do want that answer I seek so much as to why bad things overwhelm me in this way?
Advice for someone who feels flooded with misfortune?
