Search Results: rejected or put on hold

Not a pity post but maybe a reflection are what one such as myself is doing or has done that makes life harder and turns people away.

Since as young as as I can remember, about age 4, I’ve always been pretty self dependent. Meaning I’d fight to do anything in my own, even if it was the hard but not smart way.

My parents really enjoyed that about me as a 4 and 5 year old. They would sit back and watch me try and try different solutions to opening a too heavy car door or climbing a tree.

But then as I became older I realized that sometimes one does need a parent and one can’t do everything alone. Yet still, to ask for help was painstakingly hard.

Asking for help to see a psychologist because I was depressed at 15 only to be written off as melodramatic.

Asking a few good friends to listen was also met with some uncomfortable responses.

But then you have the occasional friend that sees you struggling in silence and puts themself out there to help in exactly the way they know you need without you asking.

I always try to be that friend but sometimes I fail. At other times I go beyond succeeding in that it becomes a one way street where someone is using up my time and resources simply because I showed them I could be that stable post.

It goes from helping to expecting.

As for me, I’ll give help but have this hall of secret shame that keeps me from ever opening up to accept help.

Even in therapy, because in that safe place, years ago I told my therapist something true and accurate and she said I was imagining it. It wasn’t an easy reveal so even if it wasn’t true (it was) the response seemed neither helpful or constructive.

My point is that asking for help starts with admitting the problem. When you share a secret held deep down with someone and they reject the validity of the secret it hurts two fold.

It really hurt to say and now your worst fears are true, they don’t believe you.