Search Results: i feel so alone

Throughout my life I have had great difficulty connecting with people. Platonically or otherwise. I have only ever had a small number of friends and never really had any friends of the opposite sex. My family is great and I love them, but I even have trouble connecting with them and am not in touch consistently. I barely made a social media this year and it's private followed only by family and a couple random people from work. Being alone is depressing sometimes, but overall I tend to prefer solitude and cannot imagine ever sharing my personal space closely with another human being. Especially since my mother passed a couple years ago. I believe most of the reason for this difficulty is due to being physically unattractive, maybe even genuinely ugly as well as being extremely socially awkward which is another form of ugliness that people tend to loath. I'm extremely skinny too and cannot gain weight, it's impossible for my acutely ectomorphic body type. Especially after getting a very late in life (age 30) type 1 diabetes diagnosis. I have tried many times and many ways throughout my life and wether I eat 1500 calories or 5k, my body barely changes at all. Only my energy level. Feels like being alone is my destiny and was always meant to be. I am positive most people could not handle the life I live. Not mentally or emotionally so it feels like I was born for this existence only.

So I have this coworker who I’m attracted to. We both got hired at the same time so in our first week of working we were both alone in the break room and started conversation with each just making small talk and asking about work. So I stopped talking to her and their was this period of 5-10 seconds of silence as I kind of ended it and then she asks “do you have a girlfriend “ She always be teasing me and making fun of me and making witty and sarcastic remarks to me. I this is her personality also but I noticed I notice she always finds a way to touch or bump me when close by. A few times I tested to see if she would touch me when I seen her coming and knew she had space to go around and she still made slight body contact with me. Also sometimes when talking her feet will slightly touch mine and she won’t move her foot away. I always have to move mine first and I know she must feel our feet touching. She has walked by and ran her fingers through my hair and touched me on my back when I wasn’t paying attention and said hi or made a silly face at me. I’ve noticed on a few occasions I can see/feel her/ looking at me with the corner of my eye and when I look up and make eye contact with her I give her a head nod and say “what’s up” or “what?” She will respond by saying”nothing” and just walk away or make a silly face or roll her eyes at me. I notice she touches her hair and makes direct eye contact when we speak sometimes, she also seems to fix herself and her hair whenever I’m around regardless if other people are there or not. We don’t really text a lot or often mainly for holidays/birthdays events etc but I noticed she uses my first name a lot in the texts, which is interesting because I’ve never had a female friend do this. One time I was telling her about a situation with a girl I was involved with who said something sexual to me and I think she got jealous because she said in a sarcastic manner and rolled her eyes “ oh you like those type of girls”.