I live in NYC.
driving lessons are 100 dollars for 1.5 hr lesson
makeup lessons are 175 dollars for a 75 minute lesson.
swimming is 200 dollars for a 1 hr session.
daycare is 2000 a month per child.
rent is 2400 a month for a studio apartment
a latte is 7 dollars.
Everything is very expensive even the groceries I spent seven dollars on a small bowl of fruit when it cost five dollars at the store and Instacart even charges extra So I pay seven dollars or eight dollars crazy And I can eat it within five minutes all of it
I never order delivery over seamless anymore. The tax, service fee, tip- can be an additional 11 dollars on top of the cost of your food.
Need about $100K to live in NYC. $225K for families. Get the NYC salary & move to lower COLA region.
Opinion
33Opinion
Yep. It wouldn't be so bad, but there has also been a dramatic decline in the quality of most things - aka "enshittification" (yes, that's a real thing; I didn't make it up).
There is new technology that performs better, but is worse in other ways, like reliability (TVs only last 5 years now, if you're lucky; electric cars cost a fortune to repair, etc). There's also intentional built-in obsolescence.
There's sneaky corner-cutting (shrinkflation, recipe changes).
More and more things are now subscription-based - car companies are even forcing owners to pay a subscription fee in order to use features that are already built into the car when they buy it (BMW were first with heated seats, but now VW actually reduces the power output of your electric car by 12% unless you pay a monthly subscription; plus there are other subscription features like auto-dipping headlights).
Companies are just generally more anti-consumer (Apple are obviously by far the worst offenders for this).
When you have a government that only gives away money. And get all kinds of benefits for being in office money is nothing to them
The people telling them each and every day which stocks to buy so their financial portfolio just keeps going up and if they've been in office for over a year they're a millionaireby now so money is not an object to them. It has been thus way for ever about a year and a half ago 2 years ago big corporations moved to different states and people started making more money. They went out and started buying houses and cars the American Dream. But once the government got wind, everything started going up it. Not only went up but the next week later it went up again. The next week later it went up again.
So before you vote this year next year for your senator you're congressman or the president luke and see what they have actually done besides collect a paycheck
If they have not done anything for the little people in your state and get rid of them fire them
Put in somebody new
Because their donors don't have actually a chance to bride. They're not doing what they're supposed to do. Fire them put somebody in their new every year. Who cares? It'll be better than what we have right now
No, I don't feel that way. On average people today live a much higher standard of living than they did 50 yeas ago. That means things are more affordable.
1) Easy solution. Don't live in New York City. Seriously, you live in one of the most expensive cities in the world and complain about it being expensive.
2) Make up lessons? Dump it. That is total luxury.
3) Swimming. I assume that's lessons, not just a membership. I can see taking swimming lessons, but 200$ per hour? That's completely absurd. Get a YMCA membership.
4) Daycare. Don't have kids of you can't afford them. But if you already have them, that's one more reason to move to someplace cheaper.
5) Rent. Leave NYC. You can get rent for a quarter of that.
6) Latte? You gotta be kidding!
don't learn to use makeup? thats how you lose in life. looks do matter when it comes to finding a spouse, getting that prestigious job,
don't want to learn how to swim? drown when sea level rises and floods occur
no day care? then who will remain on planet earth by the time we get old? will the human population cease to exist? what will be the meaning all our lives without children? nothing
leave nyc? I can't easily leave nyc, i don't know how to drive. i don't have a car. my job is here. my college is here.
lattes? yes. the little things in life do give a lot of joy. Just as long as you don't over do it.
What you are saying is that you WANT expensive things that you don't really need. That's fine. Just don't complain about the cost.
ALL of the things you mentioned would be considerably cheaper if you moved. Humans have been moving to "greener pastures" for hundreds of thousands of years.
Look, everything you mentioned is fine if that's what you want. But all of it is your own choice, including where you live.
Back to the question, no I don't feel like it's not affordable nowadays. It's just the opposite.
you aren't here to help. Its very obvious. Go troll else where.
Help? You simply asked about an opinion that I don't agree with. I gave my reason for not agreeing. If you just want someone to agree with you, I'm not going to do it because I don't.
Apparently you think, "here to help" means agreeing with you.
things are not more affordable than 50 years ago. I'm only 44 years old and I can remember when a Gallon of milk cost 50 cents and a 3 piece white chicken meal from popeyes was $2.99 and came with a medium drink and a small side which was almost as big as the "large' side now happens to be.
Everything is a fucking rip-off today.
nyc is crazy expensive as are other big cities. if making even 120k are just getting by.
nyc is nuts...
I make my own coffee and eventually, it will pay off.
I make my own yogurt... cheaper for sure.
child care... ugh...
there is a reason people leave nyc... usually after they make their $. we live not far away and I visit the big apple.
realize... you don't need to buy a coffee... drink water, it's free from the tap. you don't need a car... bloody expensive and will get trashed.
daycare... maybe there's better options?
I love a cortado. The satisfaction i get from drinking it is uncomporable to any coffee made at home. I am trying to decrease my addiction though
Which city are you from?
Over here where I live in nyc, most people dont know how to drive. But in order to leave this city, i need to know how to drive. Im desperate to leave right now but can't. The quality of life here is awful, the people are cruel and rude.
Im in Connecticut. I love it here to some extent, but might end up in nyc one day. I hope not:)
Cortado... is that with chocolate in it? I have to try that. Coffee gotta be good. I really like Partners coffee. A lot of coffee shops I don't care for... not easy to get it right. I started to make my own at home... it's not easy, but getting better.
Drive... oh no, just hop on a train...
to get to middle of nowhere yes... you have to drive. Not hard to learn, but it can be... seems harder in the city as it's a different level. We trained our kiddo out here in the "trees" where is much easier.
I'm 29. You have no idea how hard my life is right now. I'm desperate to leave NYC, but in order to leave, I need to know how to drive. Driving lessons are 100 for 1.5 hrs here. The last time I took lessons, I just could no longer afford the lessons. I also felt like I wasn't making enough progress despite already spending 1000 on lessons. These driving insructors just want money, not to teach.
I'm also currently paying for college which costs 8500 every 3 months. It is a living hell to live in this city.
I have been dying to move out of my abusive household since 2013. But I've always been in school for way too long, working on an accounting degree, career didn't work then saved up to study for nursing. Now I am a nurse, furthering her degree.
Rent here is 2000 for a single apartment in the outskirts of the city or 1500 if you live with 3 other dirty loud messy roommates who make life so much more uncomfortable. I have seen kitchens here only 5 feet wide. It is truly sad what living here in NYC is like.
wow you are working as a nurse and it's tight? making 6 figures, yes?
a lot of my extended family lives there but they are prior generation and have nicer places. But my wife had a tiny place for a while before we met, I've seen them. Yes, there is a better life elsewhere.
Do you have a temp permit to drive? What's left to learn to drive to get the license?
you need to realize that i cannot work full time as a nurse because i am also a full time student. im also paying 8500 every 3 months in tuition.
doesn't matter how many temp permits i have if i can't afford lessons. im already paying 8500 every 3 months in tuition. cost of food is through the roof.
how can i afford to move out of my abusive household?
you tell me.
Link to me so you aren't anon anymore.
I trained our daughter to drive. Not sure I can do the same, would talk to my wife about that. But point is, someone else could train you. I don't know the requirements of nyc... is it 40 hours of driving and take test?
You also need a car, that's an expensive. I have a car for sale soon and cheap. But remember insurance in nyc expensive, plan on $2000 a year plus alway save for next car.
eg. I think of solutions, not that these work, but some might.
There's jobs elsewhere, for example Yale New Haven and other towns. you'd have to take train up to get interviews. Relative just got
Oh the school issue. You'd have to finish or transfer. You aren't making much due to part time status. So you have to live with others. Ideally, you stay with family because "friends" might be too insecure a situation. So either make work at home or spend as little time as possible there, do what they say. Is it just emotional abuse? At your age, you want to be free, but is smart to get the finances in place. That is really hard to do in nyc but true elsewhere. You want some $ saved up before going out on own. Are you able to save at all?
Driving lessons cost 100 per 1.5 hrs. I have spent money on learning to drive but it was so expensive that I could only take a 2 hr lesson a week or once every 2 weeks- which isn't nearly enough practice. this was back in 2022.
That year, I was when I was saving for school- a total of 25k. Then I spent 25k on nursing school. Nursing school took 1 yr to finish.
In 2023, I finished school and passed licensing and became an LPN. Then in 2024, I saved up to further my nursing degree to become an RN. Right now, I'm in RN program, and its soo expensive. I pay 8500 every 3 months. Shockingly, I still have never pulled out loans. Next semester will be my final semester. I graduate in April 2026.
I don't know but I feel like I have literally done everything I can to better myself. Only to fall flat on my face. Encountering hurdle after hurdle, then another hurdle. The hurdles just never ends.
Prior to all of this, I spent 5 years on a bachelors degree. So its not my first time busting my ass, working hard, chasing the dream. Right now that I'm 29, I feel like I have dedicated my entire youth to school.
Once I'm finished with school next year, I would move out. Pay 2000-2500 in rent then dedicate most of my salary to driving lessons.
The problem with learning to drive over here in NYC, not only that it is unreasonably expensive. Its much harder to drive around here. The streets are a lot narrower. They even forbid learners to practice on road test sites. I have even thought about buying a car so I can practice endlessly myself. But insurance companies dont tend to give insurance to permit drivers. In Connecticut, you can practice in an empty neighborhood all by yourself or with someone. Over here in NYC, its just so hard to even be able to find a chance to practice.
The last time I was in Connecticut, I visited castle craig... it was a 3 hour trip. I probably wouldn't do such a long commute for work.
But I agree that life outside NYC is just so much better. The people are so much nicer. Environment is nicer. More space. Healthier. Even the homeless are nicer.
But my main reason for being so desperate to leave nyc is because the dating scene is so rotten here. The guys are commitment phobic and don't feel any urgency to settle down. And the dating scene is just so competitive. People avoid eye contact and are so unfriendly. A lot of the guys are stuck up here. I just feel like I would never get anywhere living in this city.
I don't have forever to start a family. Right now despite the fact that I'm super busy with school full time and working part time, I don't have a choice but to feel pressured to make time to meet guys. Right now I'm thinking about joining an organization where there are plenty of men. But I have doubts these are the types of guys I would be able to have long term compatibility with.
I feel like I'm at my wit's end. I feel like I have done everything I possibly can. But still, the hurdles just never ends. Nothing seems to work. I feel like I'm trapped and there is no way out. I want to be married, with children within the next 5-7 years. But it feels like there are no suitable guys and I just have no idea where to meet them. I want to leave NYC, badly for a better quality of life but the drivers license feels so hard to get. I don't have another 8-10 years to get all of this done.
Working in nursing, there are no men. My nursing school is 95% female. If I go to the hospital for clinical, its still 90% female.
I just retruned from nyc, I go to visit family and volunteer there. It's good in a way, but Im happy when I see that Connecticut sign!
Never been to that castle, it's an hour north of me. What about Yale New Haven area? Lots of jobs and work.
Since you are so close to finishing I'd stay the course and look for job elsewhere when done.
My wife drives to work in the big city, 1.5 to 2hr one way. There's a train line diff directions and that train is one ticket out. you could do roughly 2hr train ride to new haven. Lots of dr's are men as are patients. There's large young peoples group at my church in CT, could find something like that. Anyway to get out and meet... bond by common experiences/interests/direction/values.
Guys.. my relative found a guy at a party... maybe was a church party, not sure, I can ask. Both area really good quality people. I just met another nice fella but he's way young. I dunno, it's not easy and you've got a lot of pressures, but people seem to find others, can't say I know how in the city. Another relative got married upper 30s and now has kids. You got some time and it happens fast when it happens. Both have to be serious. That's why I say church... or anyplace where people have solid parents and learned values. Neither those two go to church, but had common goals.
met my wife on GAG years ago, and so I moved to this area...@midnightmoon05
There's always solutions, but yea... if you are saturated, you don't want relationship unless it took weight off you. Generally, it's just more work for a while so get the house in order.
Im in queens next week Tue at church, if you are anywhere nearby, can stop in and say hi and get a free meal. we do hand out free meals and apparently good, I've not had as yet.
@lightbulb27
Thanks for trying to help. It means a lot. Where can I meet doctors? Did you mean the church? Im an athiest though. Thats the only reason why I haven't attended church. I've had missionaries asking me to join on the streets.
Im thinking about joining the nypd auxiliary volunteer force but I dont think I would have long term compatibility with those types of people. Im looking for educated professionals
Dr's in hospitals of course, maybe there's places they socialize? I saw a bunch riding bicycles at fundraiser in ct. Good gag question... The church... I didn't go or believe until well after 30, so no problem to me. For you to explore if and when it suites you, but yes I do believe which is why I do as I do. Most my family does not. You can come to church regardless of beliefs if like. It's mostly homeless coming in. The director really nice gal... network! Idea is people see the heart of God/Christ... care for others. That come in handy in nursing down the line imho. I have 3 family members nurses, one is over whole hospital.
Church, they do ask for nursing volunteers and would accept your help, but not many drs there I've seen. That's where I met nice young guy, he was training to be a chef.
I don't know that many guys your age unfortunately, see them around. Church has a bunch but is in CT. But that's church. Challenge is... where do you find good guys with solid parents and trained in good family values... without religeon? It has to be chinese or such. I know of one guy your age (younger) with good values not religious and looking, but oh for me to be a matchmaker. Best I'd ever try is put people in same place. Most people just go home and talk to their friends, need social events. Dancing and such... to get out.
Best thing can do is socialize.
Glad to help if can. I had hard time at your age trapped at work. Frustrating, got to get out. Prob have to wrap up school first and gut it out. Having hope, and direction... that is what feels good.
We all have issues and challenges I assure you. Always take time to be thankful. It's easy to focus and get stuck on what we don't have, but loose sight of all we do have that is good. Then can start fresh energy.
I've seen people with kids, full time job, do degree part time, and still have a life. Can be tough for a while... you can do it. Encouragement... you can do it. might be tough, changes required... is good!
I have a health care social event that I am popping up at tomorrow. I really dont expect anything to come out of it honestly. Part of my hesitance to go out has to do with low self esteem and being harshly rejected in the past. These new yorkers are not kind folks.
Another reason is lack of places to meet men. I dont go to church cus im an atheist. I have tried joining sports clubs but its hard to find something Im interested in and are good at. Im super unathletic and terrible at sports. There is also the issue of going alone, the entire spot light would be on me. im a shy girl.
Its hard meeting people at the hospital. I dont work at one. Im in home care. But I do clinicals (kinda like an internship) at a hospital. The doctors are super cliquey. Guys pay me no attention. Only a few of the women are friendly to me.
I also never get approached at bars either. I feel like as invisible at 29 as I would be at 55.
@lightbulb27
my relative found a guy at a party, just graduated, not athletic, average at best and shy/withdrawn socially a bit awkward... but very nice person with incredible heart. Found a good guy as far as I can tell. I dunno... sparks fly when they do... who knows how many didn't fly.
Hearing all you said, I think you have to "up your game". First stage is finding someone... then learning to deal with them (aka relationship)... and love them in spite of the differences and flaws of each. And then... you gotta deal with your kids which will amplify both of you showing more flaws but starting from scratch while pulling out what's left of your hair.
So enjoy the easy days of freedom... hahahaha!!!:) Kinda joking, but it's kinda true too. It shouldn't be so hard, but it sure is and was for me til it wasn't anymore. I was shy early on, and girls around work but few ever interesting. You have to grow out of your shell... required.
Going out alone to bars and such... blech... I never did prob not your scene! But if can make it fun w friends ok. You may have to be aggressive engaging. Meeting someone in line for a bubble tea... prob better. .. if you got your game on. Lets face it... it's a mating game competing against many others for limited supply of reasonable guys. You are gonna win on personality and skills. It does happen. You play with what you got, so make it all the best and up your skills. Like I said... it's fishing... ever go fishing? Darn things don't just jump in your lap... gotta catch and reel in, etc.. know your fish!
This video was kinda enlightening and I think applies to guys as well. Attraction... I've written a lot about out here in summary is..."subconscious familiarity". Childhood. So, you gotta examine it to see what you are going to draw. Personality and skills influence that, but the engrained emotional energy is an 800lb gorilla guiding the feelings. If there's problems there... start to address them now as best you can. Trauma, emotional abuse etc.. you gotta get above that or else trouble.
You are at stage 1 of life... the launch pad. It's fine, it's fun, it's challenging and many new adventures for you. You have some control to guide it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PxrjtMlz2go&t=176s
So you gotta start learning psychology of the guys and how to communicate. So do some learning in " spare time". Talk to them and ask questions... that will get you a date alone... not that you want that one. plan to throw back 9 of 10 fish you catch.
Enjoy the talk, it's why I'm on gag... it's fun, spice of life. The rest of the political stuff is a waste of time.
@lightbulb27
I really appreciate your willingness to help. Honestly this entire process has been killing me and I just don't know how to get out of it.
You're over simplifying the issue. The problem is I don't know where to find someone. Yea, sure you can say... just go to church. But I'm an atheist. You can just say "go to the bar". I have went to the bar, nobody approaches me. You can tell me to go join a sports club. I am incredibly unathletic. My team would lose all due to me being on the team. It would be quite the embarrassment. Plus, I have tried joining dodgeball on meetup. com but none of the guys were attractive AT ALL.
I also work in nursing, a female dominated field, there aren't many guys that I see on a daily basis.
The type of guy I want to meet are firemen, police officers, young educated professionals. Not some short, scrawny, unattractive dude who works as an assistant in human resources. You might accuse me for being shallow for saying this but its the same reason why men always go for younger women.
The only way I have been meeting men are from online dating. But the quality on those apps are so low. Its people who can't get anyone from real life who tend to go on there.
And plus, you can't change your personality for someone to like you. You can't. If you're not funny, you're not funny. Don't think you can just somehow magically turn funny after 6 months. Thats not how it works. You can definitely improve social skills but though.
@lightbulb27
Right now, I have called to join nypd auxiliary but I have doubts these are the types of guys I would have long term compatibility with. I get along better with folks that are similar to me: educated, intelligent, hard working.
@lightbulb27
there are just such limited number of places to meet men organically nowadays.
My only other option is just to show up to singles events and hope for the best.
These NYC folks are some of the cruelest and rudest in the nation. If you're not conventionally attractive, you will meet a lot of rude people.
Its so much easier to meet a guy organically out of New York. I'm so desperate to leave but can't.
I just feel like crying, to be honest. I feel so helpless.
@lightbulb27
I have seen a few nurses date or marry doctors. But I honestly have no idea where they can even get a doctor. Almost every time I try to make eye contact with a doctor, they dodge eye contact. Its not like I have doctors approaching me or flirting with me at all. At the hospital where I do clinicals at, doctors tend to be very cliquey only talking to other doctors. They only talk to nurses when they absolutely need to (regarding patients).
Nurses tend to mostly talk to other nurses as well. Except 95% of nursing is female
people are all over nyc. I think the healtheir you are and more you get out and are available, more changes. sporting events and such. It's all a networking effort... doing something where meet someone that knows someone that introduces you or invites you.
To be fair I was quite social and bombed for a long time. The problem was me, not them. I missed opportunities because I wasn't emotionally mature. You work with what you have. As noted... I see quite average looking people... match making.
I like Eataly as example, met some interesting fellas there. Just strike up conversations and see where goes. As noted and ideally, you want to pick people by values and character not looks and wallet. Anything that narrows down their quality is good. There's no mistaking that drive, success, money can mean some things are easier. But if alues don't align, misery. I really like how I met my wife on GAG in hindsight. Didn't see a photo, just writing and mind and heart. Much better... not that I'd try to date here.
Yes you can't get far with other competition and married women won't want you around unless they are trying to match make you with relative. Like I said, I know a single guy a little younger than you. he's looking for job. You have to find your avenues.
fyi... I cancelled my trip Tuesday to nyc, doing family stuff.
There are solutions. Listen to Dave Ramsey at all? can be helpful for financial mentality...
ps. going out for dinner... expensive! Repair car... expensive! Put tires on bicycle... expensive! Burger and fries... expensive! I do a lot of things myself, including cook. Yes, everything is crazy expensive.
The problem is the US Dollar is losing it's purchasing power. Last few years, it's been worse with covid and inflationary policies. That has made it hard on people coming up and starting out. People used to pair bond at 18, now they go much later. Was always hard but worse now, so you have to be mindful of spending. People with parent/family support fare better to stay out of debt and afloat. You can still make it, but it takes longer.
I like CT... it is also very expensive... but when I see the Connecticut sign I'm relieved to leave nyc, just to have less people around.
PA and midwest cheaper to some extent.
@lightbulb27
you don't understand... NYC is not a friendly city. People don't just go to their local bookstore or coffee shop and just meet someone. Strangers in NYC don't talk and avoid each other like the plague 95% of the time. I know CT is a lot friendlier than NYC. Thats why I want to leave so badly.
It just seems like nobody has any advice for me. Nobody can help me.
Having similar values are important but I don't think looks/ wallet are also unimportant. Not being physically attracted to your spouse can have huge consequences. Not having enough money is also one of the biggest factors for divorce.
I could introduce you to a relative, whom introducees you to other people... if I knew you more. That's how you do it.
I know your viewpoint and I see NYC... but that is false and got to get out of that mindset. It's a sign you got to work on yourself.
100% correct get out of nyc, I agree. But I talk to people often. I've had great conversations with people. NYC... people are craving to connect, but the fist assumption is the other pereson is crazy or wants to steal yoru wallet or will kill you. Once get past that, there are some really cool people there. I've had multiple such engagements, that's why I noted what I said. If you are not having those encounters... good ones, then that is a you issue as well. I say that because I know "I" was the issue for decades in not finding anyone or succeeding. Started with going to church and working on spiritual self, cracking that egg, growing, suffering, learning and understanding. The more I healed from inner wounds... and found Christ changed my heart, the better it got. Was a l ong process though.
Stress is an issue in relationships which is why I say alignment is key... not on feelings, but on other solid areas. Money can cause stress... not having it, or not agreeing what to do with it... or having too much!
I'm here to help. we have same battles with our kids... they are learning and gotta find their path.
I see people finding mates... talk to people, ask how they do it, get ideas that work for you. were all different.
If you have deep inner traumas from childhood... that's another thing to work on and sooner the better. you say it's bad at home... maybe that and all the stress is reflecting in you as you go about life. if so, that's an issue.
There are solutions. They start with hope, faith, practice thankfulness, gratitutde. Daily, often. Still have struggles, but you will get from challenge to new challenge with good fortunes... and hope for the best!
Noone is guaranteed tomorrow...
Approaching someone in public is not something everyone is capable of. Not all of us are social, charismatic, that can draw people in and make friends anywhere. No, its not something all of us can master no matter how hard we try. Especially with the opposite sex.
Cold Approaching is from the old days. Modern young people just dont do it and often aren't even receptive to it anymore. I walk into a bar, make eye contact with a few guys. They dont smile, look away, a few look back after a minute. Its just not a warm inviting way for me to approach. People don't even make eye contact here in nyc, its not an approachable place. You're talking about something that someone with talent can do, kinda like superhero talent, where you can approach anyone from anywhere, so charismatic that you can draw people in at any place, i can't do that.
From what i have seen, cold approaching is also one of the least effective ways to meet the right type
you should see Europe and Japan... even worse! People won't even look, if they do talk, they are often fraud in Europe. We did meet a few decent people there, but not easy.
Then you have to find what you can do, or work on those skills.
That's why I say work on your deeper self, that's where the growth is. No guy is gonna make you happy nor child nor job. you will make you joyful and from that you can give. That projects and others want a part of it. When you feel good, it doesn't matter how others respond, you have something to give and you don't care so much what you get back. It is hard to take the knows but your job is to turn no's into "yes"... and choose the ones you want. When you get something back, you are pleased and can filter it how you like. That should be your new frame of mind.
I was beyond horrific at this and more scared then you are, couldn't talk to girls or hold a conversation. I had to work on it and specifically, me. I'm very good at it now. You must fix your inside. Granted... it's nyc and you are a girl... so you be smart. Yes, it's better in Westport CT... hang out there when you can, if you can find those groups!
There's 10 opportunities every day, but all are blown because you aren't "there" with emotions and skills to make something of it and they aren't there either. I don't know what you have to offer... looks, wit, values, a big heart, passion? Gotta have something. So you stay as you are, in your shell hoping they come knock... they rarely do... or you grow. If you are saying with the right person you'd just "click" well ok, maybe. Realize a lot of guys aren't developed either... they need help.
What do you want and how you gonna get it? That's life. It doesn't end til the end.
How much were you taught in relationships, in communication, hope, faith, love... how good were those role models. Scale of 1 to 10 how expert are you in all that after your 29 years?
I'd send you to Jesus, that's where I went... because I found "me" problems. A little soul searching it fit... took a long time to "get it". If you don't fix the "me", then you are expecting some other flawed person to love you as you are. In a relationship, you own your stuff adn they need to own theirs, and you love and accept each other.
Im open to other ways but they still loop back around. There's videos and books and you can do some writing and such. That's what I'd be doing. I wish I had people to help me like this back then.
I can give you advice from within the frame I know. I can go outside religion as I noted, it will loop back to "love" "trauma" "healing", etc..
@lightbulb27
I have thought about approaching guys. But the vast majority of men in NYC, just do not make eye contact. I'm not kidding.
Yesterday, I was walking out of work, scrolling through my phone as I was walking, didn't look up ahead and was 2 steps away from bumping into a guy standing there with his dog. When I looked up from my phone, he was just standing there, looked in my direction but made no eye contact. It was like he just looked through me. And this is not an unfamiliar thing over here. Its rather stranger for a guy to make any sort of contact with me in public.
When I go to the hospital, I try to make eye contact with some of the doctors but 95% of them dodge eye contact. Or some of them may be so attractive, tall, good looking that I can't maintain eye contact with them.
So no, I wouldn't bash myself for not being able to approach. Why would I approach someone who wouldn't make eye contact with me?
The only ones who are ok making eye contact tend to be married men or old men.
All of this has left me feeling very insecure about myself and my looks.
Guys just pay me no attention. I feel as invisible at 29 as I would be at 55.
Weirdly, I've had a lotta people call me beautiful over the years. But I barely get any attention from men. Some guys would just compliment me call me beautiful but then just walk away and not try to flirt or show any interest. Its just so frustrating.
I am just thinking about joining a martial arts class, NYPD auxiliary and just hope for the best that I will find someone. But honestly, I don't think I will end up finding a suitable guy.
And I really feel like giving up. I feel like I'm constantly pressured to do the impossible. I will just accept the fact that I will never marry.
interesting. I think that's kinda normal for some people and in the city, but I don't know how you are projecting. Projecting emotionally is 70% of it. Looking is one thing... what you are saying with the look is something else. I had this issue with a relative... her emotional projection very hard to read... I thought she was sad when she says she feels fine.
Without seeing some video or real life energy, it's hard to judge. I'm looking at energy. so you look in the mirror... what do you really see? What do your friends think you are saying when they look at you? Many people are superficial though and don't know what I'm saying... I don't care about hair and nails... what's your emotional projection. The rest is decoration and most anyone can be "updated" to look good enough.
I get that, I dated a few times in 20's and gave up... painful, not fun and hard. So I just spent time with friends doing what I enjoyed for a while. You cannot escape those hormones in the drive for love and reproduction. In that, are the challenges of life that get you to grow and "God" is behind that in my view. So suffering... yes we will suffer but that can be for good, to grow. Hopefully you get what I mean.
Giving up is the easist thing to do. What that says about you.. you aren't willing to change or face the challenge, it's too hard. That says... you are immature. When you are skilled, you have inner confidence and esteem, you will persevere... nothing will stop you. See tom hanks escape from island movie, or invite some guys from work over to watch it...
Sure go to martial arts... I did the same. you could find someone. It's what I said, try new things. But you have to be available emotionally or won't work.
@lightbulb27
I cannot change my personality. I'm not an outgoing person, and I never will be.
I'm not emotionally unavailable. Its just I don't know of any place where I can actually meet guys.
@lightbulb27
I am depressed due to my situation right now. But I hide it well.
You can say this will deter guys from approaching me
but I get a shit ton of people asking me for directions on the streets on a daily basis. So something about me must be approachable.
you cannot change your personality but you can change, did it.
that's good you are approachable. are you "nice" person, avoid conflict, agreeable, passive, sensitive?
depending upon how you project, yes its a barrier most won't try to get past.
ask out here where guys want to meet that are the types you are looking for...
im sorry to hear you are depressed. my encouragement is to take this opportunity to work on your inner self. When I was really lost inside and went in a bad direction... I was in a different place... but the feelings were there... I looked into spirituality. That lead me down a path. Time for soul searching.
Or just take time to do some rebalancing of life as best you can... a little joy, some good rest and food, sunshine. Go out to the park and enjoy the sun and relax for even an hour.
Let me know how I can help further.
@lightbulb27
you can't say that I must be like you. We are all different people with different pasts and have different ways of handling things. I'm depressed not because I'm lost or emotionally unavailable or need soul searching. I'm depressed because I am lonely, am not anywhere close to finding a husband, have low self esteem.
I don't need soul searching. I just need a husband. I'm tired of doing everything alone. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life eating frozen dinners staring at white wall in an empty house for the rest of my life. There are consequences for being single.
Tonight, I passed by the firehouse. Couple of really handsome, manly, heros sitting on sunchairs outside. All with ripped, incredible, strong bodies. Don't you know how intimidating it is to approach? I'm not in shape, a bit chubby, no where near the most attractive girl. You're expecting me to do the impossible here.
Sure you might've been able to change but you had decades to do so. I don't have another 30 years til I'm 59 to get married.
@lightbulb27
[are you "nice" person, avoid conflict, agreeable, passive, sensitive?
depending upon how you project, yes its a barrier most won't try to get past.]
I don't think its that. I just feel like the vast majority of guys just aren't interested the moment they look at me. Guys seem to flirt with other girls. but they never flirt with me. Even the few ones who come up to tell me "you're pretty / beautiful" don't flirt with me and are never interested.
A few months ago, I had a nursing supervisor tell me I'm a BEAUTIFUL GIRL in front of everyone at work, we spoke 15 mins prior to this and he spoke to me in a very dull voice offering career advice. No sign of flirtation or interest at all.
Prior to that, I had guys do similar thing where they would come up to me and tell me "you're so pretty" then WALK AWAY.
Right now, I feel like its time to almost accept defeat. I likely won't find someone but its ok. I will just try to attend as many singles events as possible over the next few years before I give up completely.
The problem has nothing to do with me not wanting to approach men. I want to approach men but guys just don't make eye contact here. Its a NYC cultural problem.
I notice that guys are much more approachable in long island, NY than NYC. Men over there actually make eye contact and smile and seem so much more down to earth
I agree we are all different, I'm exploring for what the issues might be. You seem to think at this age things should just happen.
NYC might be a problem in general but as noted, I see guys around and people are pair bonding. I agree it be different elsewhere but I know girls up here failing to catch guys as well and frustrated.
The guys I know in nyc are more shy and reserved, would be difficult.
If you are getting those comments, it's quite a statement. It says to me it's something in the way you respond. I can only guess here your expression is saying "stay away right now" or your words after they say that don't give them anything to go on.
We need videos:))))
Someplace else is an answer but not always the solution. You should be able to get a date or two given what I heard.
Beauty is in eye of beholder. Not everyone would find me beautiful. A lot of people say im average looking or some even say im unattractive.
People say I could smile more and losing 10 to 15 pounds will make me look better.
But I did have went out in the past, prior to covid, people are so rude here. It makes me not wanna go back out. I dont know why but NYC is attracts all the psychpaths, sociopaths, narcissists. Theyre so unkind here especially if you dont fit into their standard of conventionally attractive. Last time I went to CT. I dont remember which train station I got off of but i remember making eye contact with a cop and he looked right back at me. People there are so much more approachable and down to earth. Even the homeless woman I gave a dollar to in CT, had such a better attitude compared to the homeless in nyc.
People in nyc just walk around like they dont see each other. Women tend to make eye contact with me way more than the men.
Of course there are people dating in nyc. But these folks usually have tons of friends and are super outgoing. They get tons of party invites, meet their partners through mutual friends.
Its a stark difference to me as someone who only has about 2 close friends and barely ever get invited to parties.
For right now, i don't think i will get married on time. Im ready to stay single forever. I spent my 20s studying very hard in school, getting multiple degrees, chasing the dollar sign to pay tuition. Because this was what my parents told me would be the best for me. I should have been going out every weekend to network, make friends, find someone. If i had done that, i doubt i would still be single by this point
I will just try to look the best i can, tone up, lose weight, have better social skills, attend more singles events over-the- next few years. But im kinda ready to give up. Dating here is just so hopeless. Nothing will change till i leave this shit city
@lightbulb27
Plus guys over here in nyc dont feel any sort of urgency to settle down. There are 33 yr olds here who think theyre too young to get married and start a family. Everyone just wants to hookup here.
Nyc actually was ranked as the worst place to date in the us
What kind cultures you interested in?
@lightbulb27
Culture is not my biggest priority. But my main target population are the educated, intelligent, well earning professionals. I am well educated, intelligent professional so I believe I get along best with those who are similar to me. I do not want to pass bad genes to my children, so I prefer not to procreate with unintelligent individuals.
So far, I've just been meeting people online. The quality is so low. And everyone I have met so far are uneducated, blue collar folks.
I've seen some expensive gym membership clubs where I can work out with some of these white, financially well off, professionals but they're so expensive and everyone there is white and fit. If I were to go, I would just feel like an outcast. Me being an Asian girl, slightly overweight. I jut don't know if I would be welcome there or people would judge me. You might call me paranoid but people are not nice here in NYC. Truly, they're the most judgmental people you'll ever meet
where I work out are women... some in great shape and others working on getting there. get over your vanity!
You aren't seeing my point... if you don't know your domains how can you look? If you are affixed to atheist then you exclude christian/other beliefs... where people get some training on the values you talk about.
So where do you think these guys are getting their training in ethics, values and relationships? Nothing is perfect.
My punch line above is... parents obviously... but Asian. Generally not religious but trained with traditional values... usually. Possibly Indian... usually solid parents, but they don't marry outside of Indian usually. So that leaves Asian. There's other cultures but you are picking your way through a disaster zone... all depends what people watch and believe.
I could introduce you to some decent people, but only knew a few and most are younger or too young.
I'm familiar with nyc, I see the issues, but as well, I've had some great engagements with people.
My advice is discover yoru spiritual self vs church and grow inside. Everything you mentioned is good in a sense and says good things about you: you are willing to work hard, traditional values, you'll help the homeless woman... when others would not. Losing weight and toning up... always good. But a guy and looking amazing not going to solve a problems, I know very in shape attractive women that bomb constantly. You also didn't mention fakeness like slathering makup on and such... that's really good, many run to easy solutions. Might work for some.
I'd work on how you feel, what you believe, and relational skills... that will project out. Your self image. Eventually you date, find someone and have to work on that anyways.
Planet fitness... not expensive.
there's solutions to get out of nyc. it's really just networking.
I'll rephrase what I said... do you explore those cultures... Asian? I see quite a few that are not religious and yet have family values and not as versed in the corrupt culture you want to avoid. That's why I mention it. Any culture can work, it's about the parents and environment they uptake.
I see lots of decent guys up here... now in college... but as noted, they are young and not ready. But they have good families, successful in school, etc.. NYC has some top schools, that's where the top people be.
I wouldn't' want to live there either... someone I know rent $3000 for a small room. all $ goes to rent and car insurance. its nuts...
I'm 30 years old, I'm not that young anymore, I've been out here for a long while now. I know what my dating landscape is and I know the key to getting a guy- physical attraction is the key to a guy wanting to get to know me. If a guy takes one look at you and looks the other way, how is he gonna want to get to know me? I'm not saying looks are everything though.
I'm too young to marry someone that I'm not physically attracted to. When I hit 40, I might settle for someone I'm not physically attracted to. But I still look like I'm 25 so I have no reason to settle. I'm not insisting on the hottest young man. But there needs to be a basic decent level of physical attraction. And I don't believe that I'm the only one who thinks this way. People don't tend to lower their physical requirements unless they absolutely are forced to.
I know what you're talking about. Guys from church ARE the marriage material types. But I can't get along with them because I'm sincerely do not believe in religion. And I cannot be persuaded out of it.
Losing weight is hard. Its complicated. I've been going to the gym since last November with no results. I'm also on ozempic right now. Only lost 10 pounds over the past 3 months. Many people who have never tried to lose weight , have no idea how difficult it is to lose weight. If losing weight was as easily as jus going to the gym 4 times a week, nobody would be fat. Human bodies are designed to PREVENT weight loss due to evolutionary reasons. But I'm desperate to lose weight right now. I will have to spend as much as I can on special gym memberships, injections, whatever I can to lose weight. Its HELL.
You don't have to tell me about NYC dating. I've been here way too long. Most people dont come here to get married and have kids. They come here to sleep around, do drugs, chase career dreams.
@lightbulb27
I'm not looking for just a date anymore. Because the culture here is that people just DATE ENDLESSLY. Date then dump. date then dump. Date then dump. Date then dump. Its an endless cycle. This is why there are so many singles in NYC. People here don't have an urgency to settle down and start families. Men in their 30s here, feel like they're too young to start families.
Right now I'm looking for someone who is serious about marriage , actually wants a family in the near future, not someone who is looking for his ultimate perfect girl of a soulmate who fits him like a puzzle. Because I honestly believe that having ultra high standards is the reason why so many new yorkers are still single. I don't want to spend the next few years dating someone who will just dump me for someone else.
I would be very grateful if you know of any educated, intelligent, professionals who are looking for marriage and family.
I am even open to arranged marriages (of course with my approval first), not forced marriage.
Culture isn't that much of an important thing since we are all American born adults nowadays. We already all share a culture.
The last time I went to CT in 2023, it was such a nice experience. I would love to go back. I have also been upstate New York too, the people are entirely DIFFERENT. I felt so comfortable and at ease. The food was cleaner, environment was cleaner, people are helluva nicer.
Are there places in CT where its possible to live and go to work without a car?
I do know a young fella that thinks like that and the others are too young. It's a crap shoot... he has no experience and looking for job. It's good you know what you want. That's why I say Chinese/Asian... cuase they are not religious generally but many have strong families and will go outside their culture. That is generalization of course. Attraction is sub conscious emotional familiarity... so that's all on you. Agree on settling, you have some time, it's your life.
I had to lose some weight, not much... you know the answer is food intake/calories. Easiest solution, cut out breakfast aka intermittent fasting. Don't eat past 7pm and sometimes skip breakfast. if you can do that energy wise, probably feel better and more energy. that's how I feel and others as well. The french I know do this... can drink something, don't go crazy over it. And then can cut back the carbs and bread. I'm much more careful now given age and it helps. Do that... gym.. won't work, toning good, weight lifting good, cardio good... must cut calories. hey... that's $ saved too account too! I hear Ozempic works. Changing diet possible too... depends what you are eating.
Yes, you can get around by bike here or bus. Not available everywhere. I could ride all over on electric bike. My town is awsome, generally speaking... love it.
New Haven /Yale... big hospital... jobs nurses. I don't know that town well enough to say, I've herad bad things (crime/drugs) but it's Yale! In general, you'd want a car at some point but could get around and there's train line into nyc.
Get to know people up here, volunteer, go to events or such. Instead of taking meds, take some train rides. My wife and I have met several gag people over the years all over world, it's been good, were generally welcoming if we like the person. Taking day trips up by train to different parts... not too costly and can explore. Westport, Greenwich and other areas are really good. Some parts, really bad... like Bridgeport.
I say church because my experience but I understand, I never interested in religious girls and I rejected it long time til I came around. Not everyone will. The issue you have is you are eliminating a lot of people by belief. I accepted non relgious wife but she was familiar and had appreciation, just not there as I am. If you fully reject it that's your choice and I did the same but it eliminates part of your market... and frankly, most may not accept you. In reality, this is all a sales and marketing project to find mate. After relationship, it's a psychology communications and work project:)!
I'm an import and explored nyc, jersey and ct. CT way better in most areas. Most people whom made it to my town are professionals. I just don't know that many young people at this point but I see a bunch at church and I see a crop of smart college kids. that don't help ya.
funny thing is... only old men tend to show signs of interest toward me. By old, I mean 40+.
I get no attention from young guys.
@lightbulb27
I've become so desperate at one point that I even thought about joining the military to find a husband. It's my second biggest reason why I want to join law enforcement. Its easiest to get a guy in a male dominated environment.
Maybe you are an "old soul", hard to guess but there's reasons... one of which older guys become more mature, confident and their time is about up. You sound mature than some others but as well you sound... delayed emotionally because doesn't sound like you have much experience in relationship... I'm not hearing that.
The attraction is sub conscious and what people perceive... the inner energies project and draw. Opposite energies draw especially. This why you can get patterns and a lot of pain... food for therapists! That's my opinion based upon life experiences and observations of others. And this my point to cleanup the inside stuff before find mate because otherwise you will draw based upon those things more than likely. Why? Because it will "feel".
For contrast I was rarely attracted to girls my age when younger. I liked those whom were older. There were reasons I figured out. I ended up marrying younger but it doesn't matter as much at these ages.
Your challenge is sifting through the gaggle of corruptly trained males... competing with other females... to find the few that are worth marrying and that you like. Find one that doesn't watch TV and has two solid parents. Same problem I had at your age... where are they... they are in their rooms playing games wondering what to do. Ask guys what they do and where they go. They do go to grocery store!
PS my point about God/spirit/Christ wasn't one sided wanted to be clear about that. The issue in all of us is deeper emotional issues. At your age, the priority is "find mate / reproduce"... and how you feel is "probably normal" to you now although you are left wondering "why am I like this or why this or that happens to me". A lot of what is going on is your training in life which equates to emotional and trauma plus your personality. So as you get older and married and have kids, that stuff will start to turn up and be encountered and either dealt with or ignored. Whether it festers into other problems is based on if you learn and can handle. When you see this frame and read this site... you will see those patterns all over the map. You are dealing with a very human damaged world. In other words... what you want is love, but where is that being trained and adhered to vs selfishness... which certainly our country and cultures is training. Thats more than you are ready to hear given priority, but the point is... what are you doing to work on your inner self? We push our kid to work on her inner self... not forced church but she has to do something.
Just wait to you have kids and you have to try to protect and navigate them through this. You will want to live in a decent smaller town, but everwhere are problems.
Whats my reward if I find you a mate?
I need more experience to give any more depth. You just got an un-degreed dating psych class learned in school of hard knocks.
I don't need a husband to reproduce. I can reproduce from a one night stand. For many years, I have done online dating, with no luck. Not that the guys didn't like me. I've had many dudes adore me, but I just never returned their love. I do believe I am a lovely girl, above average in the sweetness department, which was why it's not hard for a man to love me. Ever since my mid 20s, I've given up on dating. I honestly didn't beleive that I would ever find someone I could fall in love with. But as time went on, I realized that living the rest of my life being single as a pringle was just a form of suffering. Making friends gets more difficult as you get older. As they get married and have kids, they are no longer there for you. People get more asocial and reclusive as they get older. Thus, I just realized that relying on friends isn't going to work. Its hard being single. I constantly have to search for people to do things with, sometimes even beg others to travel with me, eat with me. People flake on plans, cancel, don't have the money, are unreliable when you need them the most. I just NEEDED TO GET MARRIED.
Being married, I love the fact that there would always be someone there for me. Their sweet messages before going to school- calming my nerves. By the time I come home, they would be there to listen as I vent. Maybe enjoy some amazing physical intimacy at the end of the day- married people have sex most often, not singles.
It makes a huge difference to have someone there for me instead of just forcing myself to be strong and deal with all of life's obstacles alone.
At the end of a terrible day, I just wished someone could offer me a hug, listen to me, understand me. Its a form of therapy. Over a lifetime, I would come out in a much better shape than if I were to bottle up all my emotions in for the next 30 years.
I'd rather settle for someone imperfect than to spend the rest of my life all alone - pretending to be happy.
You don't have to find me a mate. But I would kinda expect that helping others would make you feel good?
I don't know about you but I love helping others. Its my second nature to always hand a helping hand to those in need of help, without hesitation.
I do believe older guys tend to be more confident. But I also believe that young men are harder to impress than older men. But I'm really not looking for a much older man to be my husband. I want someone that I can grow old with and raise kids with, without having to worry on whether he can continue working to provide for our family.
For me, I want to become a stay home mom, maybe work part time after I have children. I believe the reason why so many young women do not want to have kids is due to lack of support. Working a full time job, while coming home to do all the child care and house work is beyond exhausting. Especially if she is older in her 40s-50s. Its not something I would want to go through at an older age. If I need to work full time + do all the child care / house work by myself, then why not just be a single mom and raise kids all alone? I've also busted my ass so long in school that I just want to relax for a decade. I'm so burn out, I don't think I can continue working this hard much longer.
I'm currently talking a 40 yr old, man, not aging very well. Might lose all physical attraction to him within the next 7-8 years. But he is looking to start a family soon, claims he does not want to waste any more time. He says he has a business, makes stable income. I don't know but I'm ready to settle for him within the next few years. He sounds like a good guy
Today at my clinicals at the hospital, I saw a tall, stunningly handsome doctor. I couldn't help but feel a jolt of excitement/ anxiety. I just didn't know how to act around him, avoided eye contact because he was outta my league. Every time he looks at me, I just feel a huge zap.
Would you have any advice on how to be less nervous around really attractive individuals? especially ones that you're interested in?
I don't know but maybe you would have some wisdom on this.
I'm a shy girl. Being naturally outgoing, confident, charismatic is not really my type of thing.
I can't help but feel like he's too good for me. He is obviously brilliant, super handsome, tall. I'm sure he has way too many girls chasing him. why would he pick me out of them all? I probably don't even qualify. but yet I'm getting my hopes up
@lightbulb27
I believe that I'm pretty good with my inner self. I've been through a lot of abuse, have many prior wounds but I'm ridiculously resilient and don't let the past bother me. But if I were to work on one thing, it would be my social skills and losing weight. Other than that, I am pretty content with who I am.
I'm kind, hard working, intelligent, educated, will be earning very decently over the next few years. All of these are basic things that a lot of other people do not have.
I feel like you have trouble loving or connecting, but you are a giving person. Is that right? Or you just aren't finding right person?
Attraction feelings: I was quite similar at your age. No way around the feeling but you need practice handling it. The secret is a) "stop giving and F how they respond or what they think..." b) care about what you can offer and share that". Focusing on what you have to offer puts power in your hands. People love to hear their names so say it... like a fresh question or view and conversation. Learn to communicate! They like it when people are interested in them. A touch on the arm is enough of a signal to most guys but some need "direct" communication. I practiced in the mirror upping my self esteem... do same. I also put myself into socially challenging situations and strived to give value in the moment... write down how you do and how you felt. Strive to improve. You can start with just interactions at grocery, etc.. Gets better quick.
You're self worth and esteem needs a boost. You sound like you have a good heart but it's in a protective shell. Possibly lose a loved one, father? People choose others for their reasons and as well because of the social skills of the other. The "bird with the skills and talent gets the worm".
So much of what you wrote was selfish... I wonder your view of relationship and love. What are you expecting someone else to give you and you will give them? To be clear, you have not had a solid relationship yet with a decent person?
You can be in a good place in time and can be successful in life. The "abuse and trauma" are real factors that should be dealt with if they were ignored and stuffed aside in my experience because it seems they are casting a shadow now. Kind nice people often means sensitive and empathetic. That can be trouble if you are not strong inside... e. g. in whom you draw dating. You must filter people out.
You don't want to be a single parent, but I get it...
I am probing your mind with questions... it says things about you. Yes, I'm quite giving and most of my thought is how to help others and done many times with no expectation. I've enjoyed helping another from gag for years. Match making is work, I once went to a place where women paid to find a guy.
I think you could learn some skills... I was similar as you at your age. Charisma, charm, having a heart for others, willing to value others, conversation skils, business skills, etc.. Your answers just sound like you are self centered and it matches your world view... since there is nothing else, there is only you. That can work in relationship but what do you expect of the other? When you have money, kids, spouse, you'll have fresh set of challenges to learn.
10yr age gap isn't bad and possibly ideal as older guys more serious. They exist at young ages as well. I know a chinese guy good guy. That to me your best match due to relgion and such. But emotionally, they are different. He's young though.. I just don't know many people your age outside church, of good character. College best chance to find. Settling is ok as long as you then accept and love that person including their flaws.. and your kids gonna have yours and his flaws.
10yr age gap isn't bad and possibly ideal as older guys more serious. They exist at young ages as well. I know a chinese guy good guy. That to me your best match due to relgion and such. But emotionally, they are different. He's young though.. I just don't know many people your age outside church, of good character. College best chance to find. Settling is ok as long as you then accept and love that person including their flaws.. and your kids gonna have yours and his flaws.
I've been stay home house husband a while... post work life. I helped get step kid through life, to college, to drive. Stay home mom I value that job and I know others doing for now, but does require a good income from the one spouse. If you are tired now, wait til you got kids. I suspect your tired is more emotional strain due to feeling stuck. Once have a better "light at end of tunnel", get energy back.
@lightbulb27
I just never fell in love anyone because I was looking for a quality that no man had, which was humor. And I felt like it was just stupid and wrong for me to deprive myself of a husband just becase I couldn't find the rarest quality. Now, I'm just looking for a kind man who I can see myself raise a family with. Most women marry men who can make them laugh but would make terrible fathers, terrible husbands. That's why there are so many divorces. And one of hte most important things about a man's ability to be a good father is to be able to PROVIDE for his family.
Because truth is... marraige is never 50/50. I'm the one unable to go to work during the last 3 months of pregnancy because I physically cannot get out of bed. I'm getting morning sickness, nausea, all sorts of cravings, it takes me 20 minutes to put on clothes, it takes me 10 minutes to get into the car, it can't put on socks by myself. Then during the birth, I'm the one suffering all the pain, agony. Especially giving birth at an older age, things may GO WRONG very quickly without prior notice. And also it takes women a long time to recover from birth.
I'm not gonna force myself to go back to work a week after giving birth. Not even 3 weeks after giving birth. No, I'm not being selfish. I had just gone through a physically traumatic event, I need my rest and to heal. This is why its so important for a man to be able to support his family.
I'm not gonna work 9-12 hours a day, then come home to do 90% of the housework, childcare. Historically this was what women have done for decades. This is why modern young women no longer want to have children. Our birth rates are so low for this reason. Women have seen their mothers work themselves to death trying to raise children. Plus, motherhood can't be enjoyable if you're constantly overworked. It won't.
I have already spent my 20s, working myself to death in school, all the sleepless nights studying for exams, weekends working jobs to pay tuition. I can't imagine spending my 30s, having to repeat the same thing. Having to run back to work the next day after being kept awake tending to a crying baby all night. I won't do it. Its not me being self centered. Its self preservation
If I'm the one carrying the child (which isn't easy), birthing the child (which is traumatic), taking care of the child most of the time after birth, the least thing you can do is to pay all the bills. I don't think I'm asking for too much.
10 years older is not ideal. I prefer a smaller age gap because I do believe that marriage is more enjoyable when you're married to someone who you can gracefully grow old with. You can't gracefully grow old with someone who is at a completely different physical stage. But for me, I'm on a rush to get married. Young guys around my age are commitment phobic and picky. Its natural to be picky when we are young (I was like that at one point too). But as we get older and still find ourselves single, that is when most of us tend to get desperate and drop out standards (this applies to men too)
@lightbulb27
I'm not willing to consider anyone younger than 30 or financially unstable. But I will still keep an eye out for other guys before I commit. I'm looking to commit and get married maybe the next 3-4 years. A lotta people might think its bad to settle but I'm the one who gets to come home to a a man who loves me every night. I get a therapist, sex buddy, lover, cook, companionship all at once. Don't forget the financial stability that comes from being married. Singles get none of that. I would also be wearing a nice, shiny, sparkling diamond ring- which the singles wouldn't have.
Good thing about this 40 yr old is that we both share the values of hard work. He has a master degree and is an IT supervisor, runs a bagel business all at the same time. He claims that his past ex gfs had a problem with him not having the time to see them everyday which was the reason they broke up. But as someone who also barely has time for anything, I totally understand it. It takes someone who doesn't have any time to want to be with someone who barely has any time. And I think that there reward will come out from working hard.
I've been friends with people who are lazy and it just never worked out. We gotta share the same values in order to be compatible. We need to agree on things to be compatible.
His business is also doing very well which I am very happy about. I'm very hopeful that this will work out.
My low self esteem comes from years of being abused , talked down upon by my abusive parents. It comes from being harshly rejected by others. Not saying I've never been admired, I have. But I've been rejected more than I have been admired (for physical appearance). I used to be charismatic, funny but covid lock down (that entire year of no human interaction) really ruined my social skills big time. Since then, I stopped going out to socialize. Now, I'm trying to get back out but am too socially anxious. Especially in front of handsome men. I've given up on the idea of trying to get with a handsome man.
Agree with that. it has to be give and take.
most younger guys hesitant, but again, it's training. if you are outside religious circles, then traditional cultures where to go. chinese.. except most maybe not funny...
Used to be that way.
big age gap... have seen multiple work and whats more important is similar values of health. there's no guarantees people stay healthy or make the changes in life required. every 10 years, you will have to make changes.
humor, there's some funny guys, but all relative.
you are at your peak, so that's normal to want that security and settle down and raise kids.
what caused you to settle in manhattan anyways, is most expensive of places. queens can be cheaper.
@lightbulb27
large age gap relationships / marriages don't tend to end happily. Its always the younger spouse that suffers toward the end. Because at some point down the road, one spouse won't be able to keep up with anything: from a walk in the park to sex to taking care of the kids to doing hobbies. The older spouse only wants to take a quiet cruise while the younger spouse who is still lively, wants hot sex, wants to visit 3 countries this year. The much older spouse might want to go to bed early while the much younger spouse wants to stay up late. The much older spouse tires quickly so half ass parenting is all he or she can afford to give, might be retired so can't help with the bills. Meanwhile the younger spouse who still has energy, is doing all the housework, childcare, teaching, paying the bills. Eventually the younger spouse will feel like they've lost a partner in life. The same goes for sexual incompatibility. Spending the remaining 30 of your life dying alone without a spouse isn't fun either.
the truth is.. most people tend to settle for partners when they get older. I know plenty of married women in their 50s who pay all the bills, do all the housework, are the only one paying for their children's college educations. Their husbands just sit around and do nothing. These women know they are settling big time, they know they haven't gotten a good deal out of the marriage, but if you're already 50 years old, what are your chances of getting remarried.
My own mother confided in me, when she was in her 50s, that if she were young and could have done it all over again, she wouldn't have married my father. I never dared to tell my father since I know it would kill him. And my mother has confided any secrets to me ever before in my entire life. The fact that she told me about such a private secret shows a lot about how much this has been screaming out at her.
@lightbulb27
. And my mother has *never** confided any secrets to me ever before in my entire life.
10 yr age difference is the max that I will go. I am still physically attracted to him now. But I can tell he is aging and I probably would lose all physical attraction to him within the next 10 years. I am still young , look younger than my age and desire someone who still has their looks. But the more attractive he is, the less likely he is gonna want to settle down asap.
why do I live in manhattan?
I never chose to live here. My parents emigrated to the US in the early 1990s to NYC. NYC had always been an immigrant landing hot spot. Immigrants land here, spend their entire lives here because this is the only place where people speak their native tongue, pop out kids then the kids fly away to other states where there is a better quality of life for lower cost of living. This had been happening to every generation since the 1950s. Kids are born to immigrants in nyc, then after they grow up they flee.
NYC's quality of life is awful. I have no idea why anyone would want to live here. Manhattan is not longer the place it used to be. NYC isn't the place it used to be. The difference between 11 years ago versus now is a a completely different landscape. Transplants make up 80% of manhattan now. Nobody is from here anymore. If I go to brooklyn, queens, bronx, it looks like I've stepped into another country. So many illegal immigrants. These bangladesh immigrants have BUILT a small country of Bangladesh in the middle of queens. It looks nothing like the america that I saw just 15 years ago.
I mourn my childhood , the way NYC was when I was growing up. Now there is nothing in my neighborhood that reminds me of my childhood, other than the few, same, familiar dark buildings that still stand there. Streets empty, barren, quiet except the few transplants that have relocated there. The same streets that had been bustling 15 years ago with culture, neighbors and action. It kinda breaks my heart, to be honest. I don't even konw if they should call it NYC, anymore. Because its no longer NYC. Manhattan should be called transplant city.
You may think queens, brooklyn, bronx is cheaper. It isn't. A roommate situation with 2-3 other people in queens, is still at least 1200 dollars a month. If you want an entire apartment to yourself in queens, get ready to pay at least 2100.
likely true, a lot of women tow the line. but I know guys where their same age spouses gave out around 50 and they ended up managing a dysfunctional person. It's a matter of the person. But yes, life changes and have to accept older person will change.
age someone looks is a projection of not just physical but emotional. young at heart is true, although at an age, you'll feel the physical.
It seems CT is around that cost as well, maybe a little cheaper in areas. people complain around here they can't find a place but I have seen small places for rent under $2000.
no idea why people live there... I know a few, it's the jobs and income so they can one day leave. you are correct for most. whatever you do, don't marry someone that wants to stay there or job is stuck there.
interesting you've seen the differences, I've heard same from another. but other family there... will stay there forever.
What you should get with any guy but moreso with a mature one... is financial security via his stability and drive and moreso... emotional maturity. He should understand women more, know what wants and know he can dedicate to you because he's suffered enough with others, he will value you.
You should do similar in return. Love is giving and taking but is much about priority and having best interests of the other. You certainly want to focus on your goals, which you are and that's good. What tradeoff you make, is your choice.
My mother said similar things but my father was hard working and very good in general. noone perfect, he had is issues as did she.
you get to make your life...
Having spoken to this guy a few times, texted over the past 2 days. I'm finding that he really isn't as caring as he says he is. He seems to want a baby immediately, really badly. He is very desperate, always trying to prove that he is a great guy, a nice guy, an amazing guy, caring guy. Its almost as if he is constantly repeating himself. But SOMETHING just happened that proved to me that he does not actually care about me. why should he? we have never met.
But I'm still willing to give him a shot. I'm very turned off by him wanting a baby almost immediately. Talking to me as if he loves me and has known me for a million years. I feel like he is ready to marry just about anyone , just to create a family.
I asked him yesterday " you seem like a great guy, what are you still single at 40?"
He replied "well because in the past, I had to focus on building a business and all the girls I've dated in the past wanted me to see them everyday. I couldn't so we broke up"
He also pressured me to use plan b when I told him I never want to use plan b since it was bad for health. He just kept bringing plan b contraceptive up, I just got sick of him. This is the biggest sign that he doesn't actually care and puts his own selfish interests first.
Guys don't even want to wear condoms nowadays, thats how terrible they are.
I'm kinda turned off by this guy. I told him I wanted to take things slow and that he was going way too fast. He is already talking about how we are gonna spend the rest of our lives together and building a bond. I don't feel like we have crazy conversational chemistry. I don't think he is funny either. But I'm looking to settle.
@lightbulb27
On our first conversation, there was a moment where I was talking about my background and what I had been up to over the past 10 years. I mentioned nursing wasn't my first rodeo, I had spent 5 years on another bachelors in the past. Then he suddenly blurted out while I was speaking mid sentence, "I HAVE A MASTERS". It was awkward cuz it sounded like some sort of a competition to him. I awkwardly said "ohh right! you also said you're a supervisor in IT right? he said YES!"
I dont know but, in just 2 days, I'm just getting a feeling this guy might not be my dream guy.
Honestly I'd rather raise a kid alone than to have to deal with non sense, immaturity, someone with a mental disorder, or huge ego.
What I really need help is... my self esteem. But its hard when I'm overweight. Not obese, or flabby but just chubby. I have a big face. Been rejected a lot in the past. Barely wear makeup (I know this has got to change). I look like I barely put effort into my appearance but I don't even really know how to put on makeup. Need to make the time to learn, even though I'm busy as hell.
I've rejected meetings with firemen, cops due to huge insecurities. There was a time back in 2022 where I checked out a fireman from afar. He waited for me to approach him, I never did because I thought he was out of my league. I've gained weight, dressed poorly, I couldn't imagine why any guy would ever be interested in me. For a long while, I thought I was super unattractive. Never wanted to go out to meet men. I've been cruelly rejected and judged for my appearance too. People are so unkind here. Thats why I never go out to meet men anymore.
there was a handsome guy I crushed on back in 2018, working at a firm on wall street. He knew and swung by my desk deliberately, but I was too shy to talk to him. He was overjoyed due to my interest. I just found out he is now married. I'm just feeling really broken. So many times, in the past where guys have shown interest in me, I was always too shy to talk to them. Now these guys are being taken off the market, one by one.
The high school teacher who I had a crush on, is not also married with a child.
I just feel like crying. Only if I had spoken up, been braver, I would probably be married by now.
I'm getting old... I don't have much longer to find someone. Just feel like I have wasted by youth.
The lies that society pumps out "you can find love any time in life" or that "the most attractive bachelors are in their 30s". Truth is... the prime time to find a spouse is in your 20s. Most men in their 30s are married or in steady long term relationships. They're not available. If he is, he better have a reason why he's still single in his 30s.
I'm already dealing with so much stress with work and school and burn out. Yet, add this on top of the list. I just feel like quitting school so I can go out to find someone. I'm desperate at this point. I can't afford to be shy anymore. Soon, my window of opportunity will be almost completely over or I would have to settle for someone I'm not attracted to. I would just need to take rejection from all over, just to find that 1 person. I just feel like the WORLD IS NOT MADE FOR SHY PEOPLE OR INTROVERTS. The world is designed for extroverts.
Thanks for listening, you're the only one I can talk to about this stressful topic. I'm on the verge of tears right now.
The high school teacher who I had a crush on, is NOW** also married with a child.
Agree w your assessment, should be listening to your needs as well…hes selfish and love struck. I e been love struck never met… its a fantasy projection. Its not real if dont meet. So when/ if you cut him off… he will hurt bad losing his dream. Needy and too fast turnoff…. A reason he bombs out. What is your bmi? I see all sorts find dates… the external is a factor you can improve. Your esteem and skills sounds more critical. At what age was your traumas and how you feel about your parents/ father? A little healing goes a long ways.
Your world view and perspective is not helpful and I've done the same playing ‘only if’. Is called rumination and aelf loathing. you will always lose that game. You dont know how miserable those couples are and some of those guys will be back on the market. Dont dare spend anytime on ‘facelies’ web site. You prove my point i learned… is about timing and skills. You must look fwd like the explorer and leader you will become. Relative got married in 40s and had baby at 47. You persevere to new you now
won't jave to wait that long
You jogged a memory for me. I had feelings for this girl at my apt, still remember her name now. When I found out she had a boyfriend, I was crushed and couldn't drive, pulled off the road crying! It's funny now.
It took a long time for me to grow from there. You will be ok. Keep pursuing your dream.
I know it's maybe a bit harder for girls, so cry... but as my mo said... just have to pick yourself up again and keep moving. The bible would say "pick up your cross daily". It's the truth... gotta start over each day and move forward.
I gave up the opportunity to date young hot men in my 20s, so I can settle for old man im not attracted to right now. It crushed me to find out they married so quickly. Literally every single guy I crushed on throughout college is now married. In fact, they married not too long after I stopped seeing them
There were so many other times where guys were interested but I would be too shy to talk to them.
Im sure most of them are taken by now.
Its incredibly painful and stomach wrenching but there is nothing i can do about it.
I've learned my lesson. Just be confident regardless of my insecurities. Who cares if they laugh at or judge me? Eventually i will find one person who accept me for who i am. Because this has happened in the past. During the times where i felt most ugly, I've had guys check me out. Though i might have obvious physical flaws, i also am attractive in my own way. I treated rejection way too seriously in the past
Just stop thinking about what other people think. And i will do great in life.
it's a good start. it's like anything else in life... start new beliefs and habits, go slowly, practice and repeat. When learning to undo flawed beliefs/trauma, it takes many repetitions of what is right to have new patterns instilled in mind and body. so you must practice. meditation and other techniques can really help as part of the process. What his healthy for your self image is good and as well, getting your perspective right is imporant.
A quote from a stay at home mom I know whom is married and family is doing very well..."I hate my life!". she turned from that and got back to work. there's a reason she said that, it's not totally true... it's frustration. point being, we always want what we don't have. The challenge is to be filled with joy with what we have, practice gratitute and thanks... allthe while, seeking better and our goals. Sometimes, they are out of our control, most times they are.
Its very hard for me to get over "What could have happened if I DID talk to them" when they wanted to talk to me while they were still hot young and single back then. Or "what would my life be like now?" Would I be married to them and feel like the luckiest girl on earth? "how enormous were the experiences that I missed out on?"
I don't think I would ever be able to get over it. I have been trying to ignore it , push it to the side of my mind, but I don't think I can ever get over my enormous mistake, which I can't ever reverse. Hopefully, time will numb the pain away. But there severity of the regret will never change.
Some things I will pass onto my future children:
People date in their 20s so they can get married in their 30s ( on time). Don't wait till your 30s to start dating, most people won't be single by then.
If you wait till you are old to begin dating, you will more likely than not, end up settling for someone (you're not physically attracted to).
Past time is irreversible- spend it wisely. Time is limited.
You won't look attractive forever- If you don't pounce on opportunities, they might never show up again.
Fear of rejection may be the reason why you will never succeed in life. The more people who have rejected you, the more likely you are to bump into someone who will accept you for who you are.
Right now, I just want to quit college so I can go meet guys. The demands of schooling, working a job is just so high. Barely have the time for leisure. But I have no choice. My youth is ending soon and dating will only become exponentially harder 6 years from now. If I don't look for someone now, I might never end up finding anyone.
@lightbulb27
The 40 yr old guy that I am talking to is super desperate. Understandable since he is much older than me. We have been talking over the phone a lot. And he just keeps acting like he has something to prove. He told me that if I got hungry, he would order food delivery or me via seamless. com. Creates examples about why he's the most caring man on earth. I just feel like there is no fun to our conversations. He is just filled with pressure to marry and have a baby.
I dont know if I even should settle for this type of a guy. This seems like the type of a guy I would settle for last resort when I'm 36 and still single.
I want to settle but at the same time, I feel like its too early for me to settle. Maybe I would end up finding someone better when I'm 32 or 34. I just have no idea.
I have told him that I do plan on being a stay home mom if I ever have kids with him. I can't imagine spending another 20 years, working 9 to 12 hrs a day, only to come home to do 90% of the child care and housework. Thats a 22 hour day. I don't know how so many moms do it.
I might end up going back to work once the kids get older. Because what people don't realize is... being a stay home mom can be very isolating. Stay home moms dont ever get to see anything new or socialize. Imagine sitting in the same empty house all day, same neighborhood, same neighbors, same kids for 20 years.
I love this dialog because I've been through the same, in different ways. This is a reflection of your personality and beliefs... your world view. This thinking will send you into a tailspin of misery and you'll shift from jekly to hyde... just give it time. This is THE reason I explored spirituality and found Christ and eventually went that direction. I started with Spirituality for dummies... as I knew nothing, I just knew I had a problem. One of the underlying threads here is forgiveness...
You really need to do some writing and possibly therapy, but when people told me that years later I was like "Why"... had no clue.
I agree with lot of you said. Your attitude will have to change. I have known plenty of guys didn't get married til 30's plus. You limit your choices and options, that is on you.
Read this web site to find out about marriages... plenty of first ones bomb and are misery and divorce by the 2nd child. Some do ok. Unless you work on youself, you are going to struggle. All of this "tension" and stress is challenge to heal inside and grow so you have more success. Wring the value out of it, so you are in a better position later.
Going back to work makes sense, staying home to raise kids makes sense. My relative in same spot says she talks to her friend groups... other moms. We have them visit, gives her a break. she has 2.
I can't comment on the other guy, he sounds too committed without meeting you, but that is normal for desperate. What I'd want to know if he's really a closet narcissist being nice or just a nice guy without skills and experience. I say that because of concern you could draw one of those.
you never know the full truth til knowing the person a year or so in person.
is this long distance... why not meet?
I understand you're trying to make me feel better. But I am not the type of person who lies to myself or tries to trick myself to feel better. I'm a big time realist, fortunately and unfortunately. There are pros and cons to being an extreme realist.
It just feels unreasonable for me to forgive myself because I know the enormous extent and value of great experiences that I missed out on. My life could be completely different now. But I'm a ridiculously strong resilient person who can survive anything and everything. I've done it in the past: living with abusive family for almost 15 years, going through bullying in school, being misunderstood at the workplace, suffering from career setbacks. Most people haven't endured a quarter of the amount of suffering I've been through.
I think you're overstating how many marriages that do actually end up working out. Divorces may have been more common in the past during the 1990s or 2000s since back then there was much more of a societal pressure to marry by a certain age. Nowadays, people don't feel that pressure anymore. People are much more likely to marry according to their own will. Thus, these modern marriages might have a higher chance of working out successfully. Divorce rates has actually came down over the past decade or so.
I understand that people divorce and end up being single later on in their older years.
But the truth is... there is nothing like holding someone that you're incredibly physically attracted to (in their prime), without kids, with enough free time to travel, enough energy to do things. There is nothing like dating in 20s.
In my opinion, finding love in your older years is really a matter of just being lucky.
It sounds harsh but dating and marriage is for the young. I would never ever recommend someone wait till they're 33 to start dating- man or woman.
When you're older, its much less likely that you're gonna be able to attract someone significantly younger than you. And even if you do, the relationship is unlikely to workout due to the lack of alignment in terms of maturity, life experience, perspective on life,. You might say these things don't matter. But there is a reason why the vast majority of married couples tend to be similar in age. Things just work out better when two people are as similar as possible (developmentally).
Even if they do end up divorcing after many years in their 40s-50s, would they still be desirable by then? would I still be desirable by then? I personally would never date anyone who has kids unless if I had kids too.
He does live 1.5 hours a way from me. We both barely have time. I'm always too overwhelmed and exhausted, can't get anything done. During my rare moments of leisure, I can't find the energy to do anything. I'm just so tired from overworking myself in school for so long. I've missed out on so much of my youth being in school. When you're in school, its not a job but a lifestyle. Its not like you can just clock out and never have to worry about doing anything. If I have an exam a week from now, I would feel the pressure to dedicate as much time as possible to studying for that exam. Its not like I can just clock out and forget I had an exam. I'm trying to schedule to go out to meet people on weekends, but somehow I just haven't gotten to it. I'm so overwhelmed with so many tasks, I don't know which one to begin first. On top of that, I don't really sleep much- which makes everything so much worse.
@lightbulb27
He works as an IT supervisor and also runs a family bagel business so... he is also super bsuy as well. We both work super hard, have the same values. But I just have a feeling he is arrogant, egotistical and competitive. He seems to brag a lot about how his family is so brilliant. He has 2 very successful sisters: an accountant and a lawyer. He was valedictorian of his high school class. His aunt was a brilliant doctor who spoke 7 languages. I haven't met him yet but I can tell from the tone of his voice that he was bragging in an off-putting way. Sometimes you can tell a lot more from someone's tone of voice than what they're saying.
He is just desperately trying to prove he is a family man, a good husband, financially stable enough to start a family, cares about me. I know he doesn't. Our past situation with the birth control topic is enough to prove that he doesn't care. But how can I demand that he care about me? we are still total strangers. Love and care doesn't happen upon day 1. It takes time to build.
To me, it just seems like he isn't really looking for love but just someone who wants to be with him and bear his children. We don't have a lot conversational chemistry at all. He doesn't seem to laugh at my jokes. But I think we are both looking to settle.
But I also just can't help but wonder if I should wait 5 more years to explore other options first before committing to him. But I don't think he wants to wait another 5 years. He sounds like he wants kids immediately.
Despite all of this, he does sound like a good guy to have kids with and comes from a very close knit decent family. A lotta other guys out there just don't share my values. Lazy, uneducated, unintelligent, not financially stable. This guy might have his own flaws but I've seen worse. One of the things I don't like is how rapidly he is aging. I'm worried that by the end of the next 7-8 years, I might completely lose all physical attraction to him. He is a few years away from looking like an old man. I don't know if I can keep the sexual chemistry up with him, by then. Sexually, we seem super compatible right now.
Only way I moved on was recognizing the value I got from experience and seeing the positive, accepting what is. Anything else, it is depressing. if your head is in the past with envy, you will turn bitter or other negative emotions. You have to practice gratitude, hope and faith. If your world view is there is nothing else greater than you, than you are it.
Sorry to hear of your abuse. Was it like being picked on by family members. I wonder if you were the empathetic and more sensitive person. I got a lot of that as a child as well, caused issues long time.
Agree with a lot of what you wrote, it's choices you have to make. I married with no kids and it's kinda sad, finally good but too late to have own kids. I think that would be tough to be woman with no kids and marry guy with kids.
Even if you married doesn't mean you can have kids... all that stress can cause problems. Somehow, you have to find balance in life. I got burned out around your age, took some time to recover... adrenal burnout. If you cannot sleep enough, then meditation is very powerful twice a day for 20 min... really helps once you learn to do it.
you have no idea how compatible you are if you never met. Nothing is real as yet.
ps... alerts are not working so I wasn't seeing your responses...
there's always this approach. don't know what to say about the guy. if you don't have energy and he doesn't have time, it isn't gonna work. only way it works is by getting together, you are more effective. that takes some time to achieve.
abc7news.com/.../
this post getting too long to track. follow and message me, or make another post I can reply to.
Otherwise, wish you the best.
@lightbulb27
I will reply to you. Just haven't gotten home yet
would you like to email instead? I'm really not a fan of GAG's messaging system and I usually don't check it much. I usually forget I have conversations there.
I have adrenal fatigue too, attributed to years of being burn out in school. I spent my 20s in college. Now that I'm turning 30, I am still in school. Years of living with bullies. My parents are narcissist and yes, I am the more empathetic child in the family. People never change throughout their lives. Nasty people in their 30s, usually still end up being nasty in their 70s and 90s. And often times, you won't see someone's true character until times of stress and conflicts or arguments arise.
Right now, this dude expects me to text him all day. But now I think its distracting me from my school work.
I honestly don't know how people text all day. I know its the norm for a lot of couples but in my opinion, the only circumstance where someone is able to text all day, every half hour or every 2 hrs is when they basically don't have many responsibilities.
I can do 1 phone call a day, but expecting me to reply back every half hour is burdensome. I just don't know how these people do it. A part of me is afraid that he might take this the wrong way and see it as a lack of interest or that I'm pushing him away from me.
I think I might've found my type of guy. We seem compatible. but I'm just worried about the lack of physical attraction. I think it would definitely impact our levels of physical intimacy years down the road. By then, I'd still be young in my 40s. I just won't be attracted to him anymore. He ages quick. He is now 40 but looks like he is almost 50.
I have asked to join the auxiliary force in NYPD but I don't have the time to attend training. Its in conflict with my college schedule. As you can see, being in college really takes up my entire life. I don't know where the hell to meet guys than joining this. Volunteer groups don't tend to have young men around. Its filled with middle aged people in their 40s-50s or young kids 18-21.
I'm trying to look for a martial arts group that is affordable but haven't found one suitable yet. Martial arts is a common male hobby, I would expect there would be a lot of men there.
Guys in martial arts don't tend to be the most attractive , from what I've seen. Thats why I'm trying to find a martial arts school dedicated for law enforcement officers. Haven't found one yet.
Ultimately I want a professional man- one of those decent looking, attractive, tall types in midtown manhattan. I used to work as a security guard at one of those commercial buildings. The men were soo attractive. It was hard to find an ugly guy. My theory is that ugly people simply cannot get accepted into these competitive jobs. One of the handsome guys smiled at me- which I thought was unusual considering I'm usually ignored by men in general. Young men don't talk to me. Old men do. And then the janitor came up to me and told me I was so pretty. Just a compliment, he wasn't hitting on me.
Now that I'm no longer there, I just have no way of meeting these types of professional men.
Police officers are attractive but don't tend to be the brightest. Not sure if I would want to have kids with one though.
The 40 yr old I am talking to is pretty brilliant. He was the valedictorian of his high school class. But his father died of cancer- family genetic history of cancer- which is a huge turn off.
But when I don't have options, I can't afford to drop him.
I'm trying to come up with a plan to get my drivers license so I can leave nyc as soon as possible. I'm thinking about skipping next semester (Jan to April) so I can work full time, save up a lot of money so I can pay my final semester's worth of tuition and also be able to rent a place. Living with abusive people has been killing me emotionally for years and it is also the same reason why I just find my studying and working a job so difficult to juggle. I already have a lot of issues, living with them just makes everyone 10x worse.
I am 100% sure its this city that is the issue for all my dating problems. People here just aren't friendly. There is no sense of community- which is why its so hard to meet new people at starbucks, bars. Back when I visited CT hiking on castle craig, the people on the mountain offered us directions without me having to ask for directions. There is no such thing in NYC. Everyone is so self absorbed into their own bubble. They walk around like they don't see each other. Many of the people here are some of the most unkind and judgmental people in the nation.
I have tried meditation too. But I'm always so restless that the furthest extent I can go is to breathe in and out for 30 seconds. I just find it really hard to sit still and breathe in and out for so long. Its like Im always anticipating for something I have to get up and go do. It comes from years of hard work, stress, being in school. There is never really a time to relax for long. There is always something to do or worry about.
@lightbulb27
As for asking if I am the empathetic one in the toxic family? I definitely am. If you've only heard what my mom has done or said to me... you would know there is something severely wrong with her. She has tricked me , stole my money from the bank, never returned it back, then laughed at me cuz I probably don't even remember how much money she took from me.
She made fun of me for looking like a boy.
She separated me from my father because she felt like I was receiving too much attention from him
She was sadistic at one point.
And about my father? he is a whole another nightmare.
I honestly think I would have been better off without a father.
email is ok or whatsapp. but you have to follow me, then can send you a message on GAG to contact me. I don't post email in public. I've talked to some I met from gag for years by voice, message, voicemail. I agree, texting is terrible communication (and writing on gag is often as bad) so we limit text at home and favor talking to people we know.
A lot of what I'm thinking and you confirmed, makes sense, because I experienced that. Im further along. But some is unique. The pattern of caregiver / abuser is quite strong.
I took a lot on the chin and thought I was strong. I was, but the inner self needed repaired because I kept getting abuse. It's a normal pattern in life you have to repair the heart and view and rise above. I didn't know that til later. Life will be a process... one way or the other. The more healthy you get, the better your outcomes.
At your age regardless of parents, you want freedom.
I cannot see you because you are annonymous on gag, if you "follow me", I can see you and send a message and go from there.
I followed you
@lightbulb27
you are still pink anonymous. try sending me a message.
I can't message you unless you accept my follow request
@lightbulb27
I just followed, try now...
Im still unable to message you. It says my follow request was never accepted and I never got a follow request from you
Just email me.
Kimkaren158@gmail. com
sent email...
Yea are economy has gone to shit in a hand basket making it harder for a lot us to live comfortably. Especially With all the costs rising on things Companies today barely can afford the costs of things as well , why most companies are laying off workers and closing down some of their establishments , which causes jobs to pay shit wages to workers. The job market is horrible these days and finding a decent paying job is hard to come by. I pray things get better but it doesn’t seem like it is anytime soon. I might have to sell my home and downsize if I don’t land a decent paying job soon
Blame Democrats for raising minimum wage to the same amount a Master Tradesman used to earn. When you raise minimum wage, the cost of just about EVERYTHING doubles every time you increase minimum wage. For some reason, Dummycrats think a $20 per hour minimum wage is a good idea, when they aren't even working on $20 worth of product in an hour.
Raising minimum wage does absolutely NOTHING except inflate currency. It never has. Inflating currency always hurts the Middle Class and it even hurts the lower class, they just don't necessarily realize it at first.
Nope.
i don't even make minimum wage and still feel broke here.
NYC is just crazy expensive. In the rest of NY most things are affordable so maybe consider moving out of the city if possible. There is inflation so ofc that is making prices go up. Most of the things you listed aren't necessary tho besides rent so it all really depends on how good you are at budgeting. Learning needs vs wants and putting your money towards the needs before your wants
There is a difference between settling for a subpar life you dont really want and claiming you are happy versus living the life that you are satisfied with.
Yes, those are needs rather than wants
Its not really settling but more of a time thing. For most people they have to budget and be cheap in their youth then later on in life when theyve built themselves up a bit they can enjoy certain luxuries. You can't just expect to be able to afford everything you want and live comfortably right away
@apple1996
You dont understand. Young people work their entire youth away to try to become financially stable, only to see themselves fall flat on their face, living a shitty cheap mediocre life, despite all thr hard work, schooling and debt.
We want to live comfortably. Thats why we invest into an education, work hard in our careers but somehoe cost of living just keeps going up no matter how many more college degrees we get
It just feels like if u aren't a doctor or a lawyer or working in AI, nobody can make a decent comfortable living
It's a big factor if you are out of debt. In debt... which is what the govt wants for you... is to enslave you and trap you for life. exactly what you are saying. the American dream died over the prior decades. It is still there but it takes longer to dig out.
Parents passing on wealth by keeping kids out of debt, handing them a good start is the best way. Other way is to make good decisions to keep debt low and income high. Make mistakes and pay for decades.
I agree but everything on your list there is a privilege starting with you living in NYC. You are very lucky... my list of unaffordable things swimming lessons and driving lessons wouldn't even be a thought. I feel like im worth more then to pay that much to exist maybe look into settling for a simpler life and you will find happiness by holding onto less
Over here where I live in nyc, most people dont know how to drive. But in order to leave this city, i need to know how to drive. Im desperate to leave right now but can't. The quality of life here is awful, the people are cruel and rude.
Swimming because floods will be more common in the near future due to rise in sea level. You dont want to drown, do you?
Im honestly just wondering how people can charge outrageous prices but yet still be in business
I see it can't imagine. I can but I can't imagine good enough. I know what it's like to feel that way... like like has you stuck in a place because you need more to get out of it. I've been there and the way I got out was to stop chasing and believe I deserved to have it... I know i sound crazy. i don't know NYC so I may be wrong but what keeps you from going to the ocean and swimming in it before you have to in a flood... try to think about the things like that. I know I sound silly but our minds our one step ahead of us and we are what's really holding ourselves back a lot of the time. Baby steps, maybe just tell yourselve it's not suppose to cost some much to exist. You are worth more. When you chase money no matter how much you get it's never enough. Look at some of the richest people in the world... buying everything you want doesn't make you happy it makes you want more. What makes you happy is when you have the party to celebrate all you have. And the party isn't what mskes you happy it's the act of doing it with all the people in life not all the money... some of the best things in this world really are free. Think of life more like that and you'll see good things happen I promise. 🙂
the answer is stupid people paying for it...
some people are doing very well. Many in IT, sales, doctors are making 7 figure salaries. The country divided into haves and have nots. That said, I see families in nyc doing well on two incomes of basic jobs... but they started decades ago. Starting out has always been hard, it was hard for me but I had good support to stay out of debt and then saved like crazy. that was key.
Yes, when the Democrats took over Washington a few years ago suddenly the cost of everything skyrocketed... worst inflation in almost a half a century.
NY City is a perfect example of what happens when you put Democrats in charge... and also a perfect example of what happens when people keep voting for the same lame Democrats over and over and over again. It's some kind of mental illness.
And the worst is yet to come. Looks like the idiots in New York City are going to elect this Ayatollah Mandummy Democrat guy to run your city. If you think things are bad now, wait until this guy gets elected in November. You ain't seen nothing yet!
If one has a consumerist attitude, things indeed are mostly ''unaffordable''.
Be creative. Be innovative. Be flexible. Be smarter.
And as a result there's plenty of opportunity to live an affordable life.
Those with no imagination or creativity whatsoever deserve to be exploited.
Be better :)
Kind of
Gold is becoming hideously expensive say even 5 years ago I was wholesaling 50%, scrapping 20% and reselling 30% at £15/£13/£20 respectively
Now I am reselling 10%, wholesaling and scrapping approximately equally but it's doubled so selling is £35-£40 but wholesale and scrap are both £31/£32
Wow... the detachment from reality is disturbing.
My parents taught me to drive. Zero cost.
Don't use makeup. It is not necessary for your survival
Get a friend to teach you to swim.
Daycare. Don't have kids if you can't afford to raise them.
Rent. Don't live in Manhattan
A cup of coffee I make at home is pennies. A reusable travel mug is $7.
don't use makeup? thats how you lose in life.
don't drive? thats like being handicapped.
i don't have a friend who can teach me to swim
nobody can afford to have kids nowadays. but what would that mean for the future of planet earth? would there be no humans?
i can't not live in manhattan. my job and school is here.
You appear to have low reading comprehension combined with low cognitive ability and high neediness.
don't use makeup? thats how you lose in life. WOW, IT IS TRULY SAD YOU THINK THAT.
don't drive? thats like being handicapped. I DIDN'T SAY DON'T DRIVE.
i don't have a friend who can teach me to swim ONCE AGAIN, SAD YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS.
nobody can afford to have kids nowadays. but what would that mean for the future of planet earth? would there be no humans? NO, JUST NO HUMANS DESCENDED FROM LOSERS.
i can't not live in manhattan. my job and school is here. I SAID DON'T LIVE IN MANHATTAN. APPARENTLY THAT WENT RIGHT OVER YOUR HEAD.
well the difference between you and me is that you try to be happy settling for a sad subpar life.
Meanwhile I'm trying my best to fight for the life that I want.
you sound like you surely live a sad life. you can't hide it.
Not really sad anonymous pink account. I've had 3 successful careers. I've seen most of the planet. I've been married and raised 2 sons. And I'm independently wealthy. I have "FUCK YOU" money. I can do what I want, when I want, with whoever I want. I'm reasonably happy most of the time.
And I'm not the one here whining about how much I've failed in life at 25 - 29 years old. You are! I think I have a handle on why you fail at everything constantly. Thanks for the insight into the way you people try to offload your problems onto everyone but yourself.
@oneviewpoint
Only losers who live a sad life would feel the need to drag other people down to make themselves feel better about their own lives
At least you're consistent. Everyone else is dragging you down. Nothing about your situation is your fault. Good luck with that approach. I'm thinking the one constantly complaining about her shitty existence is the one with a sad life. Have you ever encountered the word "Accountability".
You're right! Nothing is affordable these days! Even saving money is a challenge. I live in Canada. I feel like Canada is now a country-sized prison, and now I have to figure out a way to escape to a country that's far less crappy if possible.
It depends on where you live, but even in one of the cheapest states, the cost of even getting an apartment is crazy for poverty income. I get $960 a month from my disability, and do side trade-hobbies [bicycle maintenance, leatherwork, minor tech repair, and wiring mods for bicycles & chinese scooters] for under-the-table cash. After rent and utilites i have $300 to last an entire month.
No. But I don't live in NYC. I live in one of the best states in the union for living (affordable standard of living, low unemployment, low crime etc.).
But I do find it increasingly harder to get a good return on investments. So I'm always fighting the return vs. Inflation battle.
Even planet fitness went from $10 a month to $15. Rent, through the fucking roof. Food as well. Shit is unreal.
Planet fitness is shit. In my city it is 25 to 30
No, but I'm not just starting out.
It's kind of relative.
When I first started working I made 90 cents an hour.
But yes, things do seem more expensive all around.
You don't have to pay for driving lessons, makeup lessons, or swimming if you have half a brain
ok where am i gonna learn to do all of these for free?
i have a friend who was gonna teach me those things. he ghosted me.
I agree. Everything is getting more expensive. I'm a broke college student nd really have to watch what I buy. I have a part-time job but the economy is not my fav right now
You should get out of New York City. Move to Florida if you can leave liberalism in the rear view mirror. Things are much less expansive there.
But would make less as well and sorta balances. Once gets degree can make over $100k as nurse out of the gate plus benefits in nyc. 70-80k florida. It's really hard in nyc driving... insurance plus difficulty driving there.
If she isn't saving 10% then has no business eating out or drinking $7 coffee. I didn't eat out or drink coffee for the first 30 years unless was free at work. I had "TV" dinners". It's very easy to make "stupid" mistakes... get sucked into the expensive of the city. I made lots of stupid mistakes in life. Can lose $100 in a second in nyc shopping and buying, same goes when visiting Costcos lol! We have same issue with our kids..."I wanted Chipotle and starbucks"... kapoof there goes $40, have to be trained. If don't have, don't spend. Step 1, pay yourself, spend more time listening to Dave Ramsey and like. Be cheapo til have $, then can splurge.
Florida be good in ways, but hotter than hell (possibly literally) and plan on higher home insurance. Food options more scarce. She can get, if in the right areas, really good food for cheap if she shops around, like in Flushing.. can't get most other places.
Avg nurse salaries
nurse.org/.../
This is post for the poster and education...
@lightbulb27 I just paid my house insurance. It was over $6000. I live in the northeast so hurricanes and tornados are not a factor and I do not live in a flood zone. I know three people that live in Florida and none of them pay that much. Where I live is the most expensive place to live in the continental US. Everything is more expensive. Car insurance is over $1000 per car. electricity is the highest in the country, housing is very expensive and taxes are high for sun standard services. My kids are all grown but the schools here suck as well. If my kids were still in school I would have to pay to put them in privte school. My wife and I both made good money and we did not live extravagantly but at the end of the month there really was not much left over to save for retirement.
thats crazy expensive unless youve had prior claims or live in a mansion. probably moreso "social redistribution". I pay 1/3 of electric bill so others have electric. I'm sure that will happen with internet. I was getting jacked on insurance, but not that bad. I switched insurance for all stuff... saved 40% and is better company/insurance. need a referal lmk.
and noone died yet... what's their death taxes?
Less EXPANSIVE indeed. All closed minded
@lightbulb27
I make decent money right now, but because I am going to school full time, its hard to work.
Right now, I'm paying 8500 in tuition every 3 months. I average about 1200 in spending every month for food, transportation, gym, medications, any necessities, coffee.
@lightbulb27 I have one claim in over 30 years. A tree fell on my shed.
Great idea electing a greedy, lying billionaire. What could go wrong?
No, but I also live in a rarified bubble and I'm well aware of how extremely blessed I am.
Cheaper than the West Coast! Way cheaper than the mountains of the West Coast! But yeah, effing pricy living these days.
That's why real currency needs gold parity. Inflation is robbery of the pleb.
You're obviously where liberals are at... everything is expensive around them.
And jew supporters who turn farted the gaza strip flat.
I think this is reasonable: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jtqO61x_1vg
Get out of the blue and discover how affordable life can be!
Close, but when FOUR HUNDRED FOLK control SIXTY-SIX TRILLION DOLLARS in wealth (about $16,250,000,000 [sixteen-and-and-quarter-billion dollars on average], it's to be expected.
No.
Ge your poor ass out of NY, and you'll do better.
Inflation has been increasing for decades but the wages barely increased in comparison
Just wait until you elect the socialist that is running. If you think it is bad now, you ain't seen nothing yet.
Lol. No. I have a high paying Job and I've been buying $50 of bitcoin a week since it was like 1000 bucks. Im a millionaire.
Simple. Leave your high cost of living area.. Lady this will keep get to worse and worse until people start leaving these shit holes.
Yes..
The rich get richer
The poor get poorer
most of that ya can just learn online and workin for yourself is actually more lucrative
Yes why my husband and I moved to Europe it’s more affordable for good size house.
My piano lessons are $80.00 and hour
It has been that way for over 4 years now.
Rent, unless I trade sex for free rent
You could say that
Yes, it seems so, unfortunately.
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