My boyfriend doesn't want to come see me for my birthday. Is that wrong?

[Anonymous]

We're long distance, about 33 km (20 miles). My 21st birthday is on July 16, a Wednesday (I'm not from the US though, so I'm already major). He doesn't want to come because it's a work day (we're both full time trainees) and the traffic is always really bad during the week days after work. His work is 55 km (35 miles) from where I live. If he comes after traffic, he'll arrive by 8 PM. He's the type that goes to bed at 9 PM, so that wouldn't leave us much time. If he leaves right after work, he'll be stuck in traffic for like an hour and a half.

He also says we'll see each other on the 5, 6, 12, 13, 14, 18, 19, 20, 21. It's true but it's unusual. It's been 10 days since we haven't seen each other and we usually only see each other once a week. Last year, my first birthday with him, he couldn't be there for my birthday because he was in another country. He called.

I haven't asked him to come anyway because I'm afraid to come across as selfish. But the thing is that I usually hate my birthday because I feel very lonely and I never do anything fun. What should I do?

[Raebies]

It seems that he isn't considering you to be a priority in his life, and that is something crucial to a relationship. Really, he should be able to handle not going to bed at his usual time if it means he gets to see you and have a good time with you on your special day. And traffic is hardly a decent excuse.

He has failed to provide any plausible reason why he shouldn't come to celebrate your birthday with you, and therefore I believe you should heavily re-evaluate your relationship with him. I see no point in being with someone who isn't going to make a consistent effort to be a part of your life, or make you a priority. Relationships can be a lot of work if you make it that way, but really they are simple, in my opinion. If he is too busy to fit you into his schedule, then I think you should tell him that you need someone who is actually willing to make time out of their lives to be with you and who won't just brush you off like dust under the rug.

[Stacyzee]

Well, he's seeing you days that are very close to your birthday.

Isnt it possible you can celebrate it then?

Sometimes has an adult not every birthday is going to be the best you want it to be.

Some birthdays end up just feeling like a regular day.

Trust me you'll have many more not so awesome birthdays ahead.

You can tell him how you feel about this, if you feel bottled up.

But if he can't come due to work and traffic you must respect that,

(once again, keep in mind he is seeing you many days, especially close to your birthday).

Don't you have family or friends to hang out with on your actual birthday?

[Asker]

Well... no, I can't see my friends on my birthday. I'm back at my parents' place for the summer and I feel trapped there, so it'll be just like any day. Every single birthday has sucked for as long as I can remember. I feel a little disappointed, to be honest. I know the circumstances are against me but I also remember myself baking a brownie for my boyfriend for his birthday, on a busy weekday in January. I understood he was away last year, but it feel slike this year he's choosing not to be there.

[Stacyzee]

Sorry to hear that.

Do your parents not do anything special for you on your birthday?

Also, Did you at least tell him how you feel? If you do, maybe he'll surprise you and come.

[Asker]

Well, my mom gets me a cake because she knows I usually spend a bad day on my birthday. But there's always cake in the house, so it's no big deal. For now, I told him I wasn't sure I was okay with that. I told him just that, that I might feel lonely and sad on that day if I don't see him because it'd be like last year. I told him I wasn't sure if I'd feel all right with that on that day or not, and that I would think about it. He told me then to let him know about that day later.

[Stacyzee]

He probably will see you. He may want to surprise you. Don't dwell on it too much.

Even if it doesn't work out the way you want it to...at least you will see him close to it.

[Anonymous]

well you need to compromise. he will but not in the time you want be appreciative.

[StrayaMate]

If he can't make the effort, and take at least the one important day out of his 365, to see you on your birthday, then It may be worth your while to just leave. Don't want to be crude, but even if it is a work day, it's still something that should have decent effort put into it.

Anyways, hope you to work out, goodluck.

[Asker]

We saw each ther on my birthday after all, but it was a stretch. We broke up eventually. I guess he wasn't that into me anyway.

[blackkid2]

Why don't you set up a date where you two meet in the middle which is a mere 17 miles or so. He can leave at 8pm as can you and you celebrated the birthday successfully! Problem solved.

[Asker]

Yeah it'd be a compromise. Thing is, I don't know if he'd be open to compromising. He told me he doesn't think he'll be able to come where I live on my birthday. I interpreted it as "I don't want to make an effort to see you on your birthday". He asked if I was okay with that but I don't know if it's really an invitation for negociation. I don't want to seem like a spoiled brat you know. But if I feel lonely as hell on that day, I'll sure feel uncared for and unloved. That'd be sad too.

[blackkid2]

Try. If he's not open to compromising then he's being extremely selfish.

[blackkid2]

No matter what you do you will regret doing nothing. You are not being a "brat" by offering a solution to a problem.

[Anonymous]

No, it's not wrong. Celebrate your birthday on a day when he's around.

[Anonymous]

yes I would see it as a bad sign