I wrote song lyrics. How does it look?

[Users123]

You touched my heart with your eyes

It was a love tale to me

My feelings for you are platonic

A hidden love story within my heart

If I take a step, dive into love

Burn and ignite with your love

But I know, this love is impossible

A secret emotion, a platonic donation

You visit my dreams every night

Traces of you still remain in my heart

Unknowingly, I love you

I burn with the burden of this platonic love

My dreams get lost in your eyes

A fire in my heart, never extinguished

The pain of platonic love inside me

But there's hope, maybe one day you'll love

You're present in every breath, every moment

You're hidden in the depths of my soul

Perhaps one day it will turn into true love

Our platonic love reaching eternity.

-Platonic Love-

Thank you for the comments.

Bad.

Good.

[SnowedIn]

I love the depth of emotion you have here. The feeling. The yearning. The purity of this love.

But I have two concerns.

First, somewhat similar to what @CupcakeTheDestroyer said, there's no meter, cadence, rhyme, rhythm, etc. And while I disagree with her that those are necessarily required for poetry, I think they're essential for songs and lyrics. Not necessarily the rhyme so much, but it's got to resonate. Your lyrics, while heartfelt, don't have any cadence that would, literally or figuratively, sing.

My other concern -- for me far larger than the first -- is the discord between your use of the word 'platonic' and the depth of emotion in your words. Nothing about the love you're describing is platonic. It's life long. It's burning. You're yearning. There's a wonderful desperation for you as well as a resignation to what seems like fate. Not a single bit of that is platonic. It may not be reciprocated but it isn't platonic.

So why is that an issue you ask? Because the dissonance between platonic and the emotion you've put into the words makes me dismiss the whole piece. It isn't believable as a result.

[KostasKouvalis]

That's beautiful and really deep, but for a song, I think it would be better to replace some of the words with more artistic language, that would still convey the same message.

What genre is it supposed to be?

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

I’m not seeing the rhythm in the words, even when I say it out loud, there’s no discernible tempo. Poetry and song writing require a rhythm to be considered poems and songs, there isn’t one here. Even ballads need this despite the fact that they go slow and give room for the singer to belt out parts.

[SnowedIn]

Nailed. Perfectly said.

[Hinaaaaa]

It's good but I couldn't understand one thing... like the lyrics are about one sided love? Like one is waiting for the other to love them romantically instead of platonically or something?

[boobliker]

not too bad be better to hear it

[strateguy632]

good

[Avicenna]

Very good