The last thing this is is a lesson in promiscuity.
I am in no way convincing anyone to do this.
What this IS is a guide for those who are considering this. This is a guide so that YOU can maintain control and come out of these situations with your dignity and ego.
First of all, don't believe the “women are too emotional” stuff - not true. Women are perfectly capable of keeping a rational mind even in these situations and I will show you how.
None of this involves any game playing. There is no lying or deception. Contrary to popular belief, these situations need a bit of control for them to work for BOTH people and for NEITHER person to get hurt.
1. Decide if this is really what you want. If you can never see yourself having one night stands or open relationships then this isn't for you or you may just not be ready for one and that is just fine.
2. Decide what you want. These situations are ideal when you plan to move within the year, you just got out of a relationship or you just want to play the field.
3. Decide from this point on that you won't take anything that happens personally. You don't take rejection to heart because you yourself will do quite a lot of rejecting.
4. Be prepared that you are going to have to view the opposite sex in a new light. Don't dehumanize them, because they still have feelings and emotions just like you. The key is to NOT be mean but to be blunt and view each guy as a goal.
1. Options are everywhere, not just bars. Think someone is cute? Talk to them, chat them up and get their number. You have NOTHING to lose because if they reject you, no problem - you've got options.
2. When you find a guy chat him up - light hearted stuff, things that you would talk to your classmate about- hence no “where do you see yourself in 5 years” type of questions.
3. It is best to not enter into these situations with guys that you would otherwise be in a relationship with because more than likely, you will fall for them. Ideal guys are ones that are almost right for you but there are just reasons why it could never work.
4. Once you've talked to the guy for a couple days one of two things will happen. The conversation of where you see the situation going will come up or it won't. If it does, that is when you be honest and say you don't want commitment. If it doesn't come up, bring it up in a non confrontational way. When you two are hanging out, just tell him “hey, just so you know, I'm not looking for anything serious but I really enjoy your company.” It gets the point across, you've been honest, and it keeps it light hearted which is what you want.
5. Have deal breakers. Just because you aren't looking to commit doesn't mean you have to be treated like crap. If you don't want to be called at midnight, say so. If you want him to plan ahead on when you two get together it is fair to ask. Its not necessary to have a conversation about your deal breakers but if you don't like what he is doing then say something.
6. I've found that having boundaries is helpful in keeping the situation in perspective. Personally, I advise against dates that don't immediately lead to a “goal.” Even so, it is drinks at the most. The only time I think it is acceptable is say, cheap takeout pizza and beers - not very date-like and is harmless. Hanging out outside of hooking up is a bit iffy. It's not bad to become friendly with them but at the same time that friendship trust is a dangerous thing to develop with the other person because feelings could develop.
I also don't talk on the phone or talk at length via text. I keep a lot of things to myself because he is NOT a boyfriend and therefore I won't confide in him. I keep details about myself to a minimum. Basically, my time with him is light and fun- he knows the basics about me and I know the basics about him. It isn't the time to talk about fears and insecurities.
7. There is an old saying that goes “don't put all your eggs in one basket.” This is something I think is true in open relationships. The moment you put EVERYTHING into one person you will fall for them. Once you have one option, be on the prowl for another even if you don't actually get involved with them. Flirt, talk, get numbers, etc.It helps you remind yourself that there are more options that just this one guy.
8. Realize that these things aren't built to last. They tend to last a few months and that is perfectly fine. If you don't expect a whole lot out of the situation then you wont be disappointed.
1. Safe sex is a must- condoms and birth control are absolutely necessary if you are going to be sexually involved. No unwanted STDs and no unwanted pregnancies.
2. If at any point you feel unsafe, get out of there and don't become involved with someone who you feel could hurt you.
3. Let your friends know where you are so you have an out.
4. Never leave the bar with a guy and don't let him lead you out of the bar away from your friends and certainly do not take him back to your car or his car. In the event that you meet someone at a bar and either of you has been drinking, get their number and wait until you have sobered up, meet with him sober and then make a decision.
5. If you feel yourself starting to fall for the other person then do yourself a favor and get out of it now.
I am in no way convincing anyone to do this.
What this IS is a guide for those who are considering this. This is a guide so that YOU can maintain control and come out of these situations with your dignity and ego.
First of all, don't believe the “women are too emotional” stuff - not true. Women are perfectly capable of keeping a rational mind even in these situations and I will show you how.
None of this involves any game playing. There is no lying or deception. Contrary to popular belief, these situations need a bit of control for them to work for BOTH people and for NEITHER person to get hurt.
Phase 1: Prepare
1. Decide if this is really what you want. If you can never see yourself having one night stands or open relationships then this isn't for you or you may just not be ready for one and that is just fine.
2. Decide what you want. These situations are ideal when you plan to move within the year, you just got out of a relationship or you just want to play the field.
"Decide from this point on that you won't take ANYTHING that happens personally."
3. Decide from this point on that you won't take anything that happens personally. You don't take rejection to heart because you yourself will do quite a lot of rejecting.
4. Be prepared that you are going to have to view the opposite sex in a new light. Don't dehumanize them, because they still have feelings and emotions just like you. The key is to NOT be mean but to be blunt and view each guy as a goal.
Phase 2: Seek
1. Options are everywhere, not just bars. Think someone is cute? Talk to them, chat them up and get their number. You have NOTHING to lose because if they reject you, no problem - you've got options.
2. When you find a guy chat him up - light hearted stuff, things that you would talk to your classmate about- hence no “where do you see yourself in 5 years” type of questions.
3. It is best to not enter into these situations with guys that you would otherwise be in a relationship with because more than likely, you will fall for them. Ideal guys are ones that are almost right for you but there are just reasons why it could never work.
4. Once you've talked to the guy for a couple days one of two things will happen. The conversation of where you see the situation going will come up or it won't. If it does, that is when you be honest and say you don't want commitment. If it doesn't come up, bring it up in a non confrontational way. When you two are hanging out, just tell him “hey, just so you know, I'm not looking for anything serious but I really enjoy your company.” It gets the point across, you've been honest, and it keeps it light hearted which is what you want.
5. Have deal breakers. Just because you aren't looking to commit doesn't mean you have to be treated like crap. If you don't want to be called at midnight, say so. If you want him to plan ahead on when you two get together it is fair to ask. Its not necessary to have a conversation about your deal breakers but if you don't like what he is doing then say something.
6. I've found that having boundaries is helpful in keeping the situation in perspective. Personally, I advise against dates that don't immediately lead to a “goal.” Even so, it is drinks at the most. The only time I think it is acceptable is say, cheap takeout pizza and beers - not very date-like and is harmless. Hanging out outside of hooking up is a bit iffy. It's not bad to become friendly with them but at the same time that friendship trust is a dangerous thing to develop with the other person because feelings could develop.
I also don't talk on the phone or talk at length via text. I keep a lot of things to myself because he is NOT a boyfriend and therefore I won't confide in him. I keep details about myself to a minimum. Basically, my time with him is light and fun- he knows the basics about me and I know the basics about him. It isn't the time to talk about fears and insecurities.
"I advise against dates that don't immediately lead to a 'goal.'"
7. There is an old saying that goes “don't put all your eggs in one basket.” This is something I think is true in open relationships. The moment you put EVERYTHING into one person you will fall for them. Once you have one option, be on the prowl for another even if you don't actually get involved with them. Flirt, talk, get numbers, etc.It helps you remind yourself that there are more options that just this one guy.
8. Realize that these things aren't built to last. They tend to last a few months and that is perfectly fine. If you don't expect a whole lot out of the situation then you wont be disappointed.
Golden Rules
1. Safe sex is a must- condoms and birth control are absolutely necessary if you are going to be sexually involved. No unwanted STDs and no unwanted pregnancies.
2. If at any point you feel unsafe, get out of there and don't become involved with someone who you feel could hurt you.
3. Let your friends know where you are so you have an out.
4. Never leave the bar with a guy and don't let him lead you out of the bar away from your friends and certainly do not take him back to your car or his car. In the event that you meet someone at a bar and either of you has been drinking, get their number and wait until you have sobered up, meet with him sober and then make a decision.
5. If you feel yourself starting to fall for the other person then do yourself a favor and get out of it now.
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