Should I give my ex-girlfriend back all her nude photos?

[x9354]

When a girlfriend and I were together, she allowed me take some rather beautiful and provocative nude photos of her, including some where she was giving me head. Now that we're breaking up (or at least seeing less of each other), she wants all the digital files back. I don't want to be a jerk about it (we're still great friends), but I also wouldn't mind keeping copies as mementos (I'm a connoisseur of the female form, as well as a sentimental fool :)

I have absolutely no intention of sharing or distributing her photos as they are very personal to me (as well as to her) and a lawyer friend of mine assured me that I have no legal obligation to return them so long as I have no intention of distributing them or making them public. He points out that the photos were taken during private moments in her life, which also happen to be part of MY LIFE as well. The courts call it "joint custody" -- so the most I would have to do is give her COPIES of whatever photos she wanted.

That said, does anyone think that I should still give her back all her photos and files? Should I really allow her wishes to supersede mine, even though we legally have equal rights to these lovely mementos?

Give her all the photos back, and destroy all other copies.

Give her copies only, but keep whatever you want.

Don't give her anything.

Just lie to her and tell her you destroyed all your copies.

Make her buy back her own photos and tell her it's your "photographers fee".

[annwyl-cariad]

I would respect her wishes, but I'd also talk to her about the possibility of keeping them. Tell her that you find these photos too personal to share but would like to keep them for sentimental value, and ask her if she would be okay with that. If not, then do as she asks.

While they are private moments between both of you and you both have legal rights to the photos, they aren't identifiable photos of you. Even the ones you're in. Could anyone seriously identify you specifically based on a picture of that region? ;) I doubt it. She, on the other hand, can probably be very clearly and distinctly identified in them. Therefore, she has more to lose if the photos are not destroyed, and she should have the ultimate say over their fate.

But I would ask her about the possibility of keeping them as long as you make some sort of promise not to distribute them. I don't know if you can make some kind of legally-enforceable contract of that nature, but that might be a reassuring option for her. Some kind of contract where she allows you to keep copies of the photos on the grounds that they are not shared, and she has the right to pursue legal action if they are? If you're certain enough that they won't be shared to be comfortable with that arrangement, that could be an option as well.

[MangoMooMoo]

Contrary to many of the girls who answered. I don't see the big deal in keeping them. It doesn't make you childish or degrade your integrity, like AlwaysClassy said, you cared enough to ask us our opinions. That's notable. It shows that you do care for the feelings of the girl involved. So that should be the issue. You say the two of you are still close friends so discuss with her that these pictures hold sentimental value and assure her that they are completely private. If after that, she still feels insecure about you having them then you should consider what you want to do with the pictures. If having the pictures is going to ruin the good friendship that the two of you share, are they worth it? That's for you to decide. If you decide to keep them and there are bitter feelings between you two then do they still hold sentimental value? I'd like to restate that you should have a calm talk about what they really mean to you with your friend. I think the reason she wants them back is due to fear that they wouldn't be confidential anymore. Reassure her that the pictures are a personal aspect of BOTH of your lives that you have no wish to make them public.

[Julia-gulia]

Look, she made those pictures with you when you were together and now your not. If I was the girl I would be beyond pissed if you chose not to turn everything over, because... I'm mostly asking you to give them back because I DON'T want you to whack off to them anymore. Seriously, knowing you are keeping them just indicates that you want to look at them in the future and that's kind of creepy. Your not together anymore and if I were in that situation I wouldn't want to be your stimulus anymore. Keeping them is pretty selfish. Unless it was a picture of your first time, I don't see how it can be a sentimental thing - at all. I mean you have other pictures of the two of you right? So either you want it to stimulate yourself with later or you want it to be more of a check mark on your bed post. Either way you have no way of spinning this in a positive way.

[x9354]

What if I just admire them from an artistic standpoint, but promise not to "whack off" to them -- would that be ok?

[Julia-gulia]

"admire them", are you serious? If you ARE friends with her you wouldn't keep them. Why do you need to admire them? Don't you have other material, you know you can get a magazine which has way more things in it to "admire". You seem very childish. Maybe you should grow up before your next relationship. You said you didn't want to be a jerk and if that's true then you'd give up the pictures. Maybe ask to keep one. Anything more than that and your a jerk.

[x9354]

Well I never claimed to be not-childish. But if you think I'm "childish" for asking if there's anything wrong with appreciating an aspect of my personal past, than at least the results of THIS poll suggest -- that I may not be alone :)

[Julia-gulia]

The point is she asked for them back, if she hadn't things might have been different . But she wanted them back and if you want to be her friend you'd do what she wanted . Obviously it makes her feel uncomfortable or else she wouldn't have said she wanted them back .

[sweetecho10]

Give her copies of them. I'm pretty sure those pictures were taken with your camera, so technically and legally they're yours. It's just like if you took pictures of you two together and you weren't doing anything sexual, they're still your pictures and she's still in them either way. I know there's a possibility that you will use them against her, but she should have thought about that before she posed and let you take those pictures in the first place. Just give her copies and let her do whatever she wants with them. If she has those pictures she can just as easily use them against you. Why should she be the only one who has all the memories? You're allowed to have the memories as well.

[angel-of-death]

I think you should give them back to her. A womens body is an amazing thing. It should be a privilege to see it not a right. That's why I don't agree with pron and I also think that if she doesn't want you to have them, you shouldn't have them. Break-ups are often hard and leave a bitter taste in the mouth and cause natural disdain of the other person. Your probably splitting up because of actions like not giving her back private photos. And as for a memory of her, you have all the good times, all the special moments shared, you don't need a nude picture to remind you of love, your just gonna jack off to it lets face facts. Would you want a stranger to have nude pictures of you. Because eventually you won't know each other and you will be strangers and then you may decide you want to put them up on a website or whatever other perverted thing you would want to do. It's her life man. If she doesn't want you to be a part of it you've gotta give it up. You shouldn't try to keep holding onto something that's trying to get away cos otherwise your left very lonely indeed. So take the moral high ground and give her back the photos, let go and get your life back on track (y)

[deadwait]

NO

Don't give her anything, if the shoe was on the other foot you better believe she would do the exact same thing and how would you ever truly know since most women lie about, well, EVERYTHING!

I further advise you to immediately stop being her friend, chalk up anything she may still have of yours as "a loss", and sever all contact. She's only acting like your friend because she wants something, like those photos. Don't play her game,and don't do $h! T for her - Tell her something really nasty so she remembers you - blame her for everything too while your at it, since it most likely is her fault - tell her you sold them ugly photos to a ghetto porn mag to help recover all the time and money you wasted on her @$$ - but you couldn't get much since she's fat and has bad skin - doesn't matter if its true or not, most girls think they are ugly - because most of them ARE ugly people underneath it all.



~and I used to be such a nice guy~

Cheers

[x9354]

That's awesome.

[ionlife]

Deadwait, but how do you /really/ feel about women? :)

[piratejoey86]

This one really is a judgment call. Technically, they are your photos. If she didn't think far enough ahead to realize that she may not want you to have naked pictures of her should you ever break up then that is on her. However, I feel like having naked pictures of someone who doesn't want you to have them isn't something that is really right. If you care about her why would you keep pictures of her that she wishes you didn't have? I'm sure at some point in the near future you are planning on dating a new girl, and at that point having naked, sexual pictures of your ex-girlfriend is something that transcends into kind of a sleazy thing. I know how you feel however, I had naked pictures of my ex-girlfriend on my computer and knew after we broke up that it really wasn't right for me to have them anymore, even though she never mentioned it, but finally just bit the bullet and deleted them because we weren't dating anymore so it wasn't right for me to have pictures of her anymore. Just my opinion, it's fine if you don't agree.

[ionlife]

Putting law aside, I would return them. The sad reality these days is that nobody can guarantee that the photos will be safe and the repercussions tend to be harder towards women than men.

Besides, I am sure you've got those lovely mementos stored safely away in your mind so why would it be necessary for you to keep digital or paper copies? More over, do you want any of your future girlfriends/wive to come upon those pictures?

In closing, I don't think it is as much as her wishes superseding yours but rather you not being selfish about it. If the photos do see the light of day then I'm sure she'll be labeled quite a few inappropriate names - society still holds women more responsible for acts of indiscretion - while you'll be the town "stud". My 0. 2 euros

[Anaskathia]

If I could agree multiple times to this answer, I would. Nicely put.

[natejohnson]

Even though they're your pictures, she is obviously concerned about them. And with them in your possession just presents the opportunity for something to get screwed up that's out of your control. One of your friends could see them or some other inadvertent mishap. Either way, they're primarily of her, and she should be able to control who sees her in those private/intimate moments.

Regardless of the legal ramifications, be a man and give her her pictures back. Think about if it was your future wife or girlfriend - would you want some dude keeping those pics around, no matter what he was doing with them?

[springdragonfly]

Her request for them back shows concern for what you might do with them.

I think the best thing to do would be to give her the files and tell her you really want to keep a couple of printed photos because of the private sentimental value. It might help your case if you show her which ones you want to keep and try to select ones that are more classy, less trashy. Tell her it was a special moment in your life too. Just talk to her about it and explain why you want to keep them (so that she doesn't think you want to post them on the web, show them to your friends, jack off to them etc). If she understands this is about remembering your relationship she will be more willing and trusting of your keeping them.

[Dives]

Point out to her that these are DIGITAL FILES. There is absolutely no way she can be sure you didn't just copy/paste them on to a disk for her anyway. So really, it's up to you whether or not you are going to be honest about it and delete the files after you give her the copies. That said, you have to ask yourself some questions:

Will it bother your conscience at all if you lied about deleting them?

How do you think she would react if she found out later that you lied and kept them anyway?

Have you tried talking to her rationally about why you would like to keep copies of the photos for yourself?

If your situations were reversed, would you expect her to delete the files? How would you feel if she refused/lied about it?

It really comes down to how ok you are internally with all the possible consequences. If you're fine with them, then go for it.

[motorboater]

I guess by "give them back" she means, she wants a copy and wants you to delete your copy of the files? Meaning she doesn't have a copy in hand/on her hard drive already?

I kind of don't get it.

Your not worried about HER having a copy right? So send her the files. (though, now YOU'RE in exactly the same boat SHE'S in; you have to worry about her making them public someday. If you so choose to worry)

You WANT your files, but with no ill intentions? Keep them (and then to be ethical, NEVER use them against her). Now you both have copies and she'll have to learn that you don't want to delete stuff of yours just because she wants you to.

You don't NEED your files, but want a nice post-break up relationship? Delete them. Now they are gone. No worries.

[NotSoBad]

Honestly man if heres the deal from my end. If you want to make copies and keep them do it. If you are going to use them for your personal use fine. If you want to show them to your friends I think that's ok too. But I wouldn't use them for revenge purposes or anything like that. In all honesty you returning the photos to her will satisfy for need for them. and you keeping a copy will satisfy your need to keep them. so its win/win.

[Julia-gulia]

To show them to your friends! Do guys do that? How f-ing rude!

[ionlife]

NotSoBad, you are breaking the code of silence you were sworn in when you born male. Don't make the tribunal revoke your rights and don't reveal too much. :)

Julia-gulia, not everyone does it. Granted, the chances of seeing them are better after an ugly separation but it is not as widespread or common as you may think.

[leastman]

(yea right)

[JustMePurely]

keep anything you want to...lie to her if it makes her happy...she is in no position to demand anything, if you didn't have feelings for her then you wouldn't want them...she should never have let those pictures be taken if she didn't want you to have them forever.

you already know this obviously...but its not your right to share them, even with friends..if you think that you might be tempted to do that...destroy them, but you should only give them to her if you feel like its what makes you happy..

[Anonymous]

Lie like every other guy I know. Say you compromised and just deleted the files out right. It makes you look good and gets her off your back. I've been in that same situation and done just what you did. You just prolong the amount of time you spend with her and the stress that it brings. Say they are gone or give her copies and say they are gone. Either way she gets what she wants and you get what you want.

BTW I still have all the nude photos I ever took of any Ex of mine. Here's a tip ladies "Take them with you as you leave." Oh and stick to Film because unlike digital pics, film burns!

[Herzi]

But here's something none of you mentioned. What about if someone else got a hold of a copy of the disc? What if something happened to you tomorrow, and you left your computer and belongings to your best buddy and he now has all the files? Sounds too far - fetched?

Well guess what, it's also possible for this to get into the wrong hands. This isn't necessarily about your hands. Even if you're intentions are not to share, someone else may. You don't live forever, but your files will. So if you really care about your 'friend' and respect her, delete all the copies, yours AND hers. so everyone is spared of any shame or embarrassment.

[Samoht_D319]

files won't actually last "forever". watch "life after people". its because the human race exists that we are able to keep things like discs around. if we all perished. the files would eventually fade into nothing

[thin-mint]

Don't give them to her, you don't want your goods out there for the world to see either! But if you start dating someone who you really care about and want to marry DEFINITELY destroy the ones you have. If your new hottie ever came across them or even knew you had them it would make her feel self conscious and insecure. Like SHE isn't enough for you so you have to have pictures of your ex(s). (Even if you are only keeping them because you feel the "photography" or the "form" is beautiful) I personally think its skeezey and wouldn't want my man to have pics of his nude ex(s).

[deadwait]

I totally agree - valid point - I didn't even think of what she might potentially be able to do to him with those photos down the road - if he ever got into politics - they may very well turn into blackmail material.

[thicklatina4you]

I agree with Jarett. I also can't believe thee extreme you went to over these pictures. It's a bit ridiculous. You should dispose of the pictures and don't make any copies. You were brave enough to take the pictures in the moment don't be so paranoid about the pictures getting out of your hands or hers. You were idiotic enough to process this. Taking nude pictures, so use your head to store the memories and the same goes with her. If she doesn't want to garbage them then just give them to her. You wanted to do it stop whining about it. Don't be ignorant. There are usually consequences to everything we do. It's not a big deal. That's why you have a brain. Especially something so lusty I doubt you'd forget something like that. If you don't want these pictures anywhere else what's the point of keeping them? Why take the pictures anyway? Ugh. Both of you should have thought about the risks and consequences BEFORE you took the pictures. Nice job for both of you almost screwing yourself.

[MangoMooMoo]

Thats kinda mean.

[kiamia]

What's your problem?

[leastman]

What f the shoe were on the other foot -- what if she had some POTENTIALLY embarrassing photos of YOU -- lets say some pictures of you in a drunken nude embrace with a farm animal (this is actually common down south) -- what would you want HER to do? Would you want her to just give you copies, or would you prefer she destroy all evidence of any compromising photos? I bet you would want her to destroy the photos, so I think you should do the same!

[NotSoBad]

Hey are saying there might be a picture out there of you, nude, with a farm animal? lol I'm just saying that's what it sounds like lol.

[ionlife]

Note to self, avoid drinking in the south. :)

[leastman]

LOL, that is a very good note to make.

[DENW333]

I think you should give back every photo that you took of her naked. If you really want to keep some copies for yourself you should probably just lie and tell her, yes I destroyed any photos that I had of you. I mean, no one would ever know that you had those photos of her, right?

[girls-like-boys]

Do what you want. Just keep in mind you may not want to show them publicly but she might want to. She could give them to her next boyfriend and that may be what she wants them back for. Then again she might just want them as a memory. If she wants them back just don't giver her any of you in it so she can't embarrass you or something else bad

[Cazzie-Lou]

give them back. it's her who's naked and doing personal things to you, respect her wishes and give them back. You could say you want the ones where your in too, but I wouldn't bother keeping the ones with just her in. its against her personal wishes and the thought of you having her photos must be making her feel uncomfortable and paranoid that you'll do something with them. even if you say you want.

I don't get why your getting protective of them. put yourself in her position. would you like knowing your ex had personal photos of you? would you like not knowing if they'd done something to them, even if they said they hadn't.

[girlbehindthechair]

No! Those are yours, forever. She let you have those regardless of what your intentions or her intentions were. If she asks, tell her you already got rid of them. but keep in mind if you were to date someone else, and that girl is crazy and she goes through your stuff, and finds those...you are in trouble.

[dave216]

Now wait a min. Why should she get custody of pics that contain both parties? I say give her a copy if she wants, but probably the best thing to do is destroy them all. She may use them to make your life Hell in the future, which by asking for them she is trying to prevent you from doing to her.

[Bduffman1234]

Who cares about naked pictures about the guy, do you know how much a guy will do a porno for? a six pack and clean underwear, a lady gets paid an average of $3000

[ILoveCefalu]

I know that I would feel weirded out if an ex had naked photos of me lying around, and I think that it's a reasonable request on her end. If I had pictures of my ex, then I would give them all back but burn the ones that had captured me too. It's kind of creepy to think of an ex hoarding naked photographs of yourself, in a perverted molester kind of way.

[chanceDeVoe]

If they're legally yours and hers then you should definitely keep them! She lost the right to try and impose her will on you, and you lost your obligation to try and please her the moment you guys broke up. I say give her copies if she wants, but keep them for yourself and enjoy the spoils of your conquest!