We broke up...we live together..I want him back! Can you help me?

[Just-a-girl21]

I normally wouldn't post something like this, but I really need advice and it seems like people just tell me what they think I want to hear.

My ex and I have been dating for over a year. We were completely in love with each other... I'm the first person he said "I love you" to. I had just gotten out of a relationship so I really didn't want to push anything... he was the one who started to bring up future plans with me (how to raise kids, what kind of neighborhood to live in, etc). Well last year we decided to move in together... which seemed like a good idea being as we were constantly at eachother's places anyways. During the summer he started to complain that he never got to hang out with his friends anymore... but really I became friends with a lot of his friends and we would go do a lot of things together. But I guess that he wanted time alone with his friends...I kind of took offense at this because I guess I felt left out or something... it sounds really dumb looking back on it. I should probably add that he was really stressed out from school and working too. Things really escalated in the past few months... we basically broke up because he said he just didn't feel like himself anymore and he wants his freedom back. It's a really bad situation because we live together... I tried to move on but I can't. I really love him and honestly I don't feel like myself without him. So, if anyone actually read all of that I would really like to know how I should handle this situation. He doesn't want to talk because anytime we do talk about this stuff it gets drawn out... .. I'm just scared that if I leave him alone that he will move on and I will lose him forever. Please help if you have any advice...

[polkaroo123]

Hi there. I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I am going through the exact same thing right now. Except my ex took it upon himself to move out of our apartment. All his friends became my friends as well.. he said he felt trapped and just needed some space/he doesn't think we can make it work. I know you are scared that if you leave him alone you will lose him (there is always that risk) but believe me..if you cling to him.. you will lose him much quicker than if you leave him be. I was crying and desperate for weeks with my ex.. it got to the point where he told me if I didn't stop contacting him he would just cut me out of his life all together. He told me he needs to see I can change. This sounded really silly to me.. I kept thinking.. why can't we work on it together. .but that's just it. He doesn't want to be together and he wants space.. so working on it together won't help. Do yourself a favour (even if you cannot move out).. do not bring up the relationship with him..go out with friends.. take up a new hobby.. keep healthy and don't let him see how much you are hurting. I know you want him to care about the pain he is putting you through.. and trust me.. he does care.. but its hard for him just as much as it is hard for you. Anything that reminds him of this pain only pushes him away. This situation is not fair to you at all.. I get that. But if you want any chance at all of making it work.. you have to distance yourself. If he loved you once.. there is no good reason he cannot love you again given the right timing and if he feels attracted back to you. He cannot miss something that is still there.. and he definitely won't want to come back if things do not change. A lot of guys can't trust that trying will make all the difference. They want to know for sure before they are ready to get back involved especially if the first time around ended like it did. A good friend (who happens to be my ex's best friend) told me to show my ex that I can be around him without needing to be around him. Maybe with some time and space he will truly see what he is missing. If he doesn't however.. at least you will be well on your way to having your own life separate from his.. and as much as it will hurt.. you can begin to move on.

Keep your chin up. Nobody deserves to be hurt like this.. but you can't beat yourself up either.

[Just-a-girl21]

I know deep down that I really do need to have a life outside of him regardless if we get back together or not.. it just isn't healthy.

You def did give me some good advice... and I really do hope that he will start to miss me. Thanks again :)

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[cutiebear143]

I am in the exact same situation as you and I am struggling to deal with the constant hatred and nastiness I get. I'm told he hates me when he is mad and he became very short tempered after the break up but he always says "Our" house or plans "Our" trips. Its very confusing and I am having a tough time sorting things out. Please don't take offense to this because that is not how it is meant, Go talk to a therapist/Psychologist. I do two times a week and it is very helpful to talk to someone who doesn't know your situation and cane be honest and tell you how it is without the fear of being lied to by someone close to you. I guess there may be no easy way to mend something like this, maybe get a hobby, don't seem all to desperate and as my schrink told me, Ask him "the questions" when he isn't expecting them. Like "Do you think this is worth fixing" or "Do you care about me" things like that. If you sit them down to "TALK", well, they will sure as heck not listen. Unfortunately everyday it gets harder and more obvious that things will not change, maybe go stay with a relative for a night and don't tell him where you are going, leave the house when he is not there and don't answer any calls or texts. He will be worried and it will make him think a bit and hopefully miss you. I am taking my own advise on this one as Terribly hard as it will be, but it will provide some much needed time to yourself. ! I hope this helps a bit! Am trust me, I know EXACTLY what you are going through and it is not any easy thing at all.

[cgiddings]

Moving in can be tragic to a relationship. While you were "basically always at each other's places anyway", there were times you weren't.

There were times he could masturbate without worrying about what you might think about what he was masturbating to. There were times he could go out drinking with friends without you around. There were times he could just chill at home, by himself playing video games or whatever.

Space is the biggest commodity when you move in together. Time to yourself. Room away from your SO. The freedom to go where you want, when you want without having to tell anyone is largely gone.

Keeping this in context, some girls freak out just as much as guys do about the loss of these features of life.

Your guy may just need time to miss you... but it's harder to let him do that... too... when you live together.

---

Try going out with your own friends. Give him space by going to the library, or to the movies or the bookstore. Go out dancing and have a good time. He may come around and realize what he let go... or he may have already moved on. Either way... spending more time away from him will help you gain some distance and perspective.

[Just-a-girl21]

I know what you mean. I just hate it because it was his idea to move in together in the first place. But I guess neither of us anticipated this happening.

"The freedom to go where you want, when you want without having to tell anyone is largely gone." This is a really good point... I'm his only serious relationship and he is an only child.. so he is very used to having freedom.

Thank you for your advice :) I appreciate it!

[scared1]

Hi, I am curious how things turned out. I am in a very similar situation. I have started going to school, spending most of my free time in my bedroom (he moved to the spare bedroom) doing homework. We hang out, have dinner, watch tv, even go to shows and stuff together and there is definitely confusion on his part. He was married at a young age and I think that has made him fearful of commitment. Anyhow, just wanted to know what you ended up doing and how everything turned out. Thanks!

[enlightenment]

give him space, and have a good time on your own. You may fall back into love again when you are able to focus on yourselves once again.

[Just-a-girl21]

I think I will just back off for a while... just wish we didn't live together. Thanks for the answer!

[marie2009frias]

he isn't ready to settle honey. plain and simple.. he wants his freedom to do all sorts of crazy stuff kind of lost on what he wants and so on.. you don't need that move on!

[Just-a-girl21]

I Know I don't need that... it's hard because I'm losing my best friend too....

Thanks for the advice :)

[Iixcutiexii]

I am curious how things turned out... I am in this situation right now. Would love some advice and to know how you dealt with it.