Ex wife wants him back, nothing's happened, he's confused but really likes me?

[just4clarity]

recently I met an amazing guy who's 32, divorce just come through after 18 months ish, relationship dead 2 years before... she went cold on him. she ran him through the mill money wise and he agreed to everything for an easy life, but considered her a friend. last week, just after we got together, she turns round saying could they try again and that she made a massive mistake. he says nothing has happened, he doesn't still love her, but they were married 5 years and have a lot of shared experiences... so he says he is very confused and it's getting him down, also cos he's started to develop feelings for me. which he assures me is the case, and I guess his honesty speaks for that. he tells me not to doubt that he really likes me... I said I'm gonna give him some space, but wish things could get back to the laughing joking stage some day. :(

he's a faithful sort of person with a history of long relationships, but isn't "letting me go", as he says he's sure he really likes me but the history with his ex is big and he's too confused to think. and he's been the loveliest guy I have met in years, a gentleman, planning things, giving up meat for me. its recent, but intense, hitting it off without expecting to. v similar sense of humor and personality, honestly, he's the nicest guy in years.

he always gets back in touch, and when I didn't respond to his email telling me what had happened for a day he texted me a hello text to get a response. like I say, its difficult, but I don't doubt his feelings for me. but this isn't something I have been through.

so guys, what do you think? x

[QueenKatie]

God, what a hellish situation to find yourself in. I'm sending you good thoughts. I can't even imagine how upset and stressed you must be right now.

I think you should wait for this guy. No, actually, I think you should FIGHT for him. But I think you should do it in a strong and empowered way, with your eyes open to the possibility that you might not get what you want out of the situation. In other words - blast him with your best shock and awe bombardment - but try as hard as you can not to invest too much emotionally on the outcome. I know that's very, very hard to do, but it's important that you can walk away in a sad but still whole state, since he is clearly very confused (that's the nicest term I can find for his indecision about whether to date you - for chrissakes, you're gorgeous! He should feel lucky to have you by his side). The fact that you've been dating other people is a good sign that you've realized the importance of this already, though.

At the moment, he is setting all the terms and conditions of your relationship, and actually behaving in quite a selfish way. Sure, his head is in a muddle with conflicting pressures and demands - but what about you? He must recognize that this is putting you under the most tremendous and unfair pressure. It's an absolutely horrendous feeling to know that your partner is torn between you and someone else, and it must be having a shocking effect on your self-esteem. You need to set him a deadline, an ultimatum. Give him some space to think, but make it clear that you absolutely won't be the 'other woman' and you won't wait around forever for him to decide. He mustn't treat you like you're at his beck and call - you're a person with a huge capacity for both love and pain, and you deserve better than this half-heartedndess.

You also need to make it clear that once he comes to a decision, it's final. You can't have him contacting his ex when he's so openly conflicted about her - it will create huge trust issues between the pair of you. It's you or her - he can't have both. Don't let this slide into an affair-type situation, because that never ends well.

Though his ex and he share a lot of history - and that's a strong bond - you have a lot going for you. You're young, full of life, and beautiful - and you're an offer of a fresh start. Remember - they are DIVORCED and that doesn't happen without a reason. I wouldn't bet against your chances in this situation. Give him a few weeks, and make sure you see him in the interim. You don't need me to tell you that this is the time to knock him dead with your sense of humour, your fun and your vivacity. I wish you the very best of luck and I hope you catch him! :)

[just4clarity]

Thankyou so much for that.

Yeah, he has said he is not still in love with her. I also don't think he is the type to want me as an affair, he never cheated even when forced into the tiny bedroom in his own home, by her. I wonder if part of what is making him confused is the fact that when he did get married, he would have thought it was meant to be for life. And he is a committed type of person.

He has stuff of mine that he knows I'd like back when he's able, so yeah, that'll be the time...

[just4clarity]

I'm not sure about being harsh with him. I don't want him to see any negativity with me so early in the relationship. But I texted him last night when we were meant to talk but couldn't because he was with clients, after he texted saying so and that he wouldn't know what to say anyway as he's still in a daze. I said I'd like the stuff back but it can wait, made light of it, and said id rather give him space, but that I hoped things would get back to eyebrow jokes one day.(ref to our first meeting)

[QueenKatie]

I don't think you should be harsh with him - but I do think you should be firm. There's a big difference there. You can be firm in a caring and understanding way, that says 'I know you're going through a lot, but so am I and I have needs to'. If he's a good guy, he should respect you all the more for it. You guys definitely need to meet face-to-face and talk about how you're feeling so you understand each other's position fully - texting isn't good for expressing real feelings.

[just4clarity]

I'll give him a week of total space. if he is not in touch, then I'll message him and ask how he is, then ask if things are any clearer. I'll just give up if he wants to be with his ex wife.

[just4clarity]

I hit breaking point tonight. I finally thought about how bad this is for my health, and how its really unfair on all concerned including the ex wife. So I have stopped actively waiting. I sent him a text, "Lets talk tomorrow. I want to sort out getting that stuff back. Hope you are well." Basically I want my stuff back so I can expect to never hear from him again and if I do it'll be about us.

I also had a weird dream which gave me an idea after. In the dream I bought him a card and wrote...

[just4clarity]

..a message inside. In waking life my plan is now to give him a card. I will tell him to throw it away if he gets back with his wife, and to open it if he doesn't.

Inside, however, there will be two options.

1) If you are reading this, but have gone back to your ex wife or are considering it, you've made a mistake. If you are reading this, you are showing you are curious about me still. It shows you do not truly love your ex wife and did not throw me away, as a card or a person. However, it is

[just4clarity]

..unlikely I will be interested after your indecision. Your curiosity about me does not show genuine interest in me either, if you went back to your ex.

2) If you are reading this and you are still single and did not go back to her, I can't promise it, but I might still be interested. It was short term but intense, and the kind of click that happens rarely in life. There is so much I like about you, even the fact you are a confused walkover sometimes. I am a walkover too: together, we might work

[just4clarity]

.. It's so hard to say something after so little time together, but I know we both felt a connection that could have developed / yet develop into more.

3) If this card is thrown away and rotting, because you chose her, I am in many ways glad. I do wonder if she will hurt you again, given what she has done before, and I understand your desire to make your marriage really be for life and start a family with her. But your friends are best placed to judge that. I hope for your sakes you made the

[just4clarity]

...right decision and not be hurt again. Best of luck for the future.

Rose x

[QueenKatie]

I think it's good that you're pushing for a resolution. You must think of your own wellbeing here, and this level of stress is not good for you. I love the idea of the card - that's a remarkably insightful set of options to present him with, suggesting that you have your head screwed on and are using it to think clearly about the situation. I hope he makes the right decision, but if not, I know there are guys out there who would LOVE to date you. x

[confusedgirl22]

Yep he's got too much baggage. He can't commit to you even if he does like you because he's not over his ex. Even if he wants to commit to you I just don't think he's actually capable. Its sad because he sounds like a nice guy but its really bad timing. You're only 23-why not find a single guy without all that hassle? I'm not trying to insult you, I know how awful it is but there isn't anything you can do about it apart from ending it now before you get too into him because trust me, you will feel more heartbroken however long down the line and it didn't work out. Just cut your ties now before you fall for him completely

[BabyJenks]

Do not go anywhere near this guy! He sounds like a complete carbon copy of mine! He doesn't have his ex wife's name written up his arm by any chance?

Without being harsh, this guy will be all sweetness and light to you for a few months and you'll think he's the best thing since sliced bread and things will start to get serious. Just as they do he'll drop you like a sack of spuds because he'll got cold feet and got paranoid you'll run off with someone else so he'll do the dirty on you.

Don't trust him, he's got far too much baggage. He needs to properly get over his divorce and his ex.

[ibej818]

Sounds like he has some major baggage, which equals major drama.

Geting our of an intense relationship is a little confusing and his emotions can be deceiving.

I'm sure he likes you, but it's most likely he likes you for what was missing in his previous relationship and not truly bonding with you if he is still confused about his ex.

I'm not necessarily saying this is a bad relationship to be in, however, if your expectations are to have a long term thing with this dude, then I would definitely take a step back and ask yourself if you are ready for some really bumpy roads with this guy.

[just4clarity]

Hm, likesay we do bond humor wise - he says that's the top thing he looks for. also said I'm beautiful inside and out and have a perfect physique etc. he wasn't confused about the ex, but now he is. said before he hadnt told mates about it cos they wouldn't understand his confusion.

i do think there's something special there... before this came up it seemed so perfect.

what do I do? how long do I wait? what should I say?

[Anonymous]

I haven't been through this, I've only had one person and she's gone now in heaven and the goddesses embrace.

But to his actions, I would put a dagger through his heart. I consider it 2 timing, he needs to make up his mind and stay set and never look back.

[rockmom]

it sounds like she had all the control and didn't like seeing him find someone else. she's just trying to keep him under her control and he's been there so long he doesn't know how to quit giving into her manipulation. I hope he does or you're going to be dating him+her if you stay together.

[just4clarity]

Interesting perspective. Yeah, I think a lot of it does have to do with the whole fact that she rejected him for so long. I'm trying to be fair and neutral and not say anything against her. Ironic, because I'd be saying a lot more to a platonic friend!

I guess I have to think, if he is too weak to realise what she is like, he is a fool. if he chooses her over me, again, he is a fool. the longer it goes on like this, the more I am leaning towards thinking me and him will never really happen... :(

[obligations]

I think exes alwasy bring out feelings and confusion...doesn't matter if it was like 10 yars ago and he just ran into her now...memories are always still there.

I think giving him space was a good thing...giving him time to deal with it.

You just gotta accept if he does go back to her...

[Anonymous]

Hey, you are dating someone with a lot going on right now. It doesn't matter the details of his marriage or divorce, not many divorces are great, it just matters that he is going through a tough time right now and could be for a while, especially if his ex is now saying she isn't sure herself how she feels.

Just keep in touch with him and see how it goes. Hopefully his ex will lose interest soon and he can move on.

[westman74]

set him free he will come back. You will be glad you did. He needs to remember why they broke up! and you will look better and better to him. You maybe find the right man in the mean time.