What should I do if my girlfriend has let herself go (appearance) @ age 21?

[Anonymous]

I have been with her for 3 years now and over the past 1.5 yrs...I have noticed her not caring about her appearance.

She Doesn't really dress up...its mainly something like those stretchy black pants and a sweatshirt in colder months. In warmer months, she won't wear a skirt or dress.

Sometimes I come over, she's still in her work clothes and doesn't bother to change out of them.

She also has put on a noticeable amount of weight. (Shes been very inactive...if she isn't working, she's lounging around watching TV or eating.)

She also claims to wash her hair every other day because that's what girls do? but I find the greasy hair very unattractive.

I feel like she's stopped caring because we have been dating 3 years and her plan was for both of us to move in together this year and get married...also on a side not -- things have gotten routine, boring, the sex is down to 1-2 times a month(she doesn't seem interested) and she makes fun of my interests... I'm having 2nd thoughts about this relationship...

what would you do?

[aquanetta]

I think you would be doing her a disservice not telling her about how you feel . . . more specifically about her weight gain and lack of vanity. First if she's only 21 and you've been together for 3 years, you have to understand that physically a female's body physiologically goes through a lot of changes, a slow down in metabolism for example. As a choreographer, this was and is a struggle for me to keep fit, but its definitely not impossible.

On the flipside, thought she may take it wrong and freak out at you because you're "calling her fat" try to sell it to her this way: Its her health you're concerned about more than anything. It is NOT good for any human to be inactive. You only get one body and we have the privilege of keeping it pristine. You want to marry her right? How can you live and be married to someone who won't make an effort to care for themselves? Your kids could pick up these bad habits and its just a big snowball effect.

I mean you're at the tip of the iceberg. It's only been three years and she's gained weight and the sex is dwindling. Just imagine 10 years and then 20. . .

You have to talk to her. Be fair and let your feelings be known.

[Asker]

she wants to get married, I don't know any more. I feel like she picked up these habits from her parents. They are lazy, sit around and watch TV and eat a lot and are overweight as well. Its a matter of time until my girlfriend gets there...I eat healthy organic food and exercise, she doesn't and eats fast food or large portions . I don't want to have kids and let them pick up these bad habits. I can only imagine how dull it would be in 10-20 years. Honestly, I don't think its going to last to the end of this month

[aquanetta]

yea, it sounds like you've already made up your mind my friend! What you're asking for isn't asking the world of your lady friend either. When you have two lifestyles that just don't mesh, it probably won't do any good to stay around. I hope everything turns out well for both of you.

[toulouse]

dump her if that matters that much to you. its her body so you can't really tell her to change, its unfortunate she does not care but it is her body. if you are that disturbed id break up. its not faire to her to be with someone who does not value her and it is not healthy for you to feel disappointed in your partner. break up.

i think you guys telling him to talk to her about t are crazy. its her body. he didn't buy it . he doesn't have a right to tell her what to do. he has a right to leave her if he's that bothered by it. it is not that he is 'worried' about her. he is not attracted to her. stop trying to dress it up to sound more noble. she is not sick she gained some weight and she does not wear skirts in summer. that is a lifestyle choice -not a disease. it is not about not hurting her feelings its about respecting her right to do with her body what she will. if you do not like it you can find someone who is more fastidious the way you want. be sure to interview them this time. maybe have them sign a contract to wash their hair and keep in shape and wear summer dresses.

[viva_glow]

Oh jeez. That's hard.

You might have to bite the bullet and be honest with her. Talk it out. You've been together for 3 years, so if you can't talk about it, what CAN you do?

If things fall out from there, I guess that's life. But that's the way to do it.

Then again...

you could try to do things to spruce up the relationship...

Have you given up or have you tried things?

Like fancy nights out. Engage your woman. Try to renew the relationship. With fun creative dates (which will lead to fun nights, surely...)

Just pull out things that require her to get all nice. Give her reasons to want to be pretty for you again and try to look nice. If every day is a special occasion and a reason to celebrate your relationship, why wouldn't she want to doll herself up for it?

Look not for what she can do, but what you can do, and she should follow.

[Asker]

i feel like I can't talk to her because she acts immature and anything serious she cries and lays there and won't talk to me.

I tried to spice things up, I take her out to fancy places. She ends up eating 1/4 of the meal and brings the rest home. I then try and get her in the mood...she always says she's tired, stomach ache, head ache...its always something. I feel like lately, I give up

[tex151]

She has reached the comfort stage in your relationship, I like to call it the I really don't give a sh*t anymore stage. Mainly this happens to men, we get over weight, eat fast food all the time, don't shave and basically don't do anything.

Basically you have to motive her to do something, but if you just say quit eating that damn fast food or get your ass to the gym, and put one some decent clothes, that will not go over very well, and will end up in a huge fight.

So you have to figure out what to say in those situations, you could say something like lets cook dinner tonight together or tell her we spend a lot on fast food, and I bet if we stopped eating it for a couple weeks with that money we saved we can go to the movies or something. Notice how I said we, even though you don't eat fast food saying we doesn't put the blame all on her.

[hotxos]

shes fine, most of the chicks I've dated looked a lot worse than that, and I still found them super hot! stop being an a**hole and shallow, are you fat and a slob, if you are you're really have no right to complain. she loves you for you why don't you love her for her?

[Anonymous]

wait-- I have to ask...has this been a mutual thing? have you kept up with your healthy lifestyle and appearance or, have you let your appearances go along with her?

if you have been maintaining your appearance as well and have been together 3 years, then you can talk to each other about anything. if you have never brought it up to her before, do so now. but you have to be careful HOW you do it. women are sensitive about our weight so you don't want her to feel attacked if at all possible. instead, ask her how she's been feeling lately. note that you notice she hasn't been taking care of "HER HEALTH" and if everything is OK. show concern and love and understanding and she will take it well.

if you have let your appearances go yourself, lead by example and make it a point to get back in the gym together.

GOOD LUCK

[Asker]

I am in great shape, healthy, exercising, eating healthy food.

She always mentions her weight and say if I call her fat...even if I just touch her stomach. If I talk to her about any thing bad, she cries and lays in bed and won't talk to me. In college she use to go to gym with her roommates but we have both graduated a while ago. she doesn't hang out with anyone but me these days. So has no reason to go...Im busy with work full time and grad school, so I cant

[Opinion Owner]

Oh wow. Do you think she might be depressed about anything? I think she may be feeling bad emotionally, letting go of your appearance and crying all the time are 2 signs of depression.

[Cutie19911]

She definitely does sound depressed.

[Darkfairie17]

I would try to compliment her on her looks. I know it's hard but you have to give her some support. I agree that she may be going through a rough time and have some depression.

To encourage her, I would go through her closet and find something really nice for her to wear. And tell her that you would really like to see her in that. Take her somewhere really nice and tell her she has to dress up. Maybe that will encourage her. Also when she is dressed up, flirt with her more and pay a lot of attention to her. Hopefully that will encourage her to continue this look up.

[-StillWater-]

Tell her you have second thoughts about this relationship!

That's what she needs to hear most of all...not that you don't like her style of dressing or whatever, she needs to hear you say that you may not be into her anymore...

THIS is something which will catch her attention more than you complaining why she never wears dresses...

The initial shock will either move her into action - if that relationship means something to her, or she'll give up on the relationship (because it sounds to me like she's feeling a little too comfortable in it, or she's giving up as we speak?).

[IHateMeganFox]

She sounds like she's going through a rough time and maybe is going through depression. If I were in your position I would ask her if she's OK and such but don't say anything about putting on weight because I know that's a touchy subject to a lot of women. Just ask her if everything is alright and what you can do to help. I see you asked this 3 months ago, I hope everything is ok!

[Janeeeeeeeey]

Keep on complimenting her on her good features? It usually makes me feel happy , and encourages me to look good :) or tell her she is pretty, gorgeous etc everyday ? But Honestly some girls need a break from "dressing up" so chill :)

[Asker]

I do tell her she's pretty and ect every time. I don't really care if she doesn't always dress up but she tends to stay in her work clothes when I come over and she's usually home from work a few hours before I get there. Or a lot of the times she wears like a plan white under shirt and capri type jeans or jean shorts down to her knees. it just seems blah looking and not very attractive. Plus I rarely see her wear actual shorts and never wears dresses or skirts

[LaPetiteFleure]

It sounds like you guys are BORED...you both need to start planning fun things to do to spice up your lives...a date night at a new restaurant-having a spontaneous drink...as far as her appearance...she feels comfortable with you...that is not an easy thing to achieve...but it also sounds like she doesn't feel special to you anymore, as crazy as that sounds...girls need constant reminding of this...so next time you go and see a pretty dress in the store, mention it to her... tell her that dress looks hot and you bet she would look good in it...thats a hint around the bush that won't say * you don't look attractive anymore* good luck! As far as the sex...find the toy section of the adult store...something new and spicy you haven't tried before...get out of the boredom and give life a little kick in the ass!

[Alexeiv]

Sex two times a month=Sad.

No I'm not mocking you, it's just not how it should be.

Your bare minimum is once a week and even then that's if you're busy most of the week.

[Asker]

yea I know...i did a poll on here and its wayyyy below average. I guess she has a low sex drive?

When we do have sex, she's not so much interested in the fore play and wants to jump right to the end.

[Asker]

I would actually be happy even if we didn't go all the way each time, just some sort of action once in a while would be nice.

[Alexeiv]

Maybe try to make her food that generally arouses most people, most berries do the trick.

But I'd try just playing with her by surprise, like you come to hug her from the back and then go down to her panties, seriously most girls like this.

[FatBatKiller]

I feel sory for you about your situation that you're in. sucks. there was this girls that I was interested in (she had feeling too), but she gained 15 pounds at college in 3 months. she didn't dress cute anymore (sweat pants, hoodies, gross boots, etc.). I recently lost ALL interest in her. I take great care of myself. I think it's unattractive when girls don't even bother to keep up their appearance.

[Will6669]

her making fun of your interests is a really bad thing. The way you describe it, it sounds like she has become a slob, seeing any other people doing something productive pisses her off, including yourself. This indicates jealousy. This is all speculation of course, but I think your girl is unhappy, you need to talk to her about it.

[naturally]

You need to talk to her about it.

Whether it hurts her feelings or not she's got to know how you feel.

start with saying "i'm concerned about you..." and tell her what you wrote here.

[ihatework]

bail. it sounds like both of you are bored with each other.

[Anonymous]

take the LEAD in everything...it seems like she has taken you for granted...be a role model in changing things up, spice it up...if it doesn't work, then let her get out because she's only 21 dude what da hell!

[Shaun]

I would ask her to go for walks and play some basketball or frisbee. As far as the dressing up issue, personally that wouldn't bother me in the least.

[Asker]

well she doesn't have to dress up, but when I come over, she's still in her work uniform. (by the time she gets home from work, she will stay in her work clothes for about 4-6 hrs before I come over) what's she doing for all that time that she couldn't at least change? Its not attractive

[Cailleach]

It's her life, she can do whatever she wants. But if I were you, I'd leave.

[Anonymous]

Talk to her about it and if she don't listen then do whaTs better for you!

[Anonymous]

Find another girl and dump that b!tch!