Girlfriend is letting herself go? Should I break up?

Question

I've been dating my girlfriend for 10 months now. She's gained a good 30 lbs at least. She wasn't skinny to begin with.. but was still in good shape. She worked out a lot.. ate decent. I work out and eat healthy. I like to take care of myself and told her I expected the same from her. She agreed. Over the course of 10 months she's gained 30-40 lbs. I'm not shallow.. but come on. She has a beer gut. She can't fit into any of her jeans so she wears leggings. I've brought it up multiple times. It seems like she shapes up for a week or two. "Hey look I went to the gym today.. hey look I'm eatinf healthy again." Then goes back to her old ways. She'll cook something healthy in the kitchen when I'm there.. but catch her stuffing her face with junk while she's cooking. She looks at me like "oops" when I say.. lets go for a walk.. lets go to the gym.. she pouts. She's mad because we haven't had sex in 2 months.. but what does she expect? It's NOT attractive. Our relationship has gone down hill. Sorry.. if you're going to show me you're letting yourself go.. I'm going to push myself away. I put a lot of effort into the relationship. We got into a heated argument the other night. I yelled at her saying.. I'm tired of putting in so much effort and living up to your expectations while you get lazy and let yourself go and don't try. She cried.."I know.. you have.. I'm sorry.. I'll work on it." She goes back to her ways. I deal with this every relationship where girls get overly comfortable. It' annoying. Should I end it?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I think you are too expectant. Just because you take care of herself, you have no right to expect the same of her. She is her own person and can do whatever the fuck she wants. If you don't like it, break it off! Don't put pressure on her. Be easy. She likely has some sort of anxiety that is making her do what she is doing. You did say she has a beer gut though, and THAT, I would specifically be hard on. Forget the eating, if you really love her, and she seriously has a "BEER gut" you need to address the alcohol part as THAT is dangerous and should be a lot more of a concern! If she is literally feeling like she has to check up with you and say "hey look! I'm doing ok! RIght? RIGHT?" it likely means she has an underlying fear of what you think of her, but it trying to get your approval because she cares. Hell, SHE is asking YOU for sex! Isn't usually the opposite? That the guy has to BEG a woman for sex? Think about it! Now, on the other hand, you also say she has "expectations"... well... mind going into more detail? It's no wonder if you have expectations if she does too. And if she doesn't meet yours, you have no obligation to meet hers. Perhaps you BOTH need to chill and actually figure out if you LOVE each other or just want this imaginary person and pushing to try to make the other this imaginary person, even though the person you want is just that! Imaginary!

ChrisTruthseeker · Accepted Answer

You probably should break up.
You do seem a little shallow about it and maybe she isn't what you want, you're kinda treating her like shit to be honest.
Be happy she still wants to have sex.
A lot of women don't when they gain weight because they feel self-conscious.
At least when they gain weight in a relationship it usually means she's comfortable with you, she likely isn't interested in cheating or leaving.
She's happy with you.
You can have some of the best years of your life with her right now if gou want.
She's probably very committed.
If she ever drops a bunch of weight out of nowhere and starts dressing hot you should worry.
Believe me, it ain't for you.
That was my experience anyway.
Or leave, it's up to you.
Either way try to be nice.

Mikayla3 · Accepted Answer

For her sake you should end it. So she can find a better man. You are a shallow pig! Love does not come from the exterior! It is the heart and mind that matters and if those are attractive. I would give a shit less if she morphed into a fat hog. I would be riding and loving my fat hog with my eyes closed if I had to... if I loved it. You Obviously don’t love her. Gently let her go so she can find real love. Just to let you know. You have fucked her up forever. You put a permanent mental image on her self esteem. She is not the problem here. You are!

Allie_Oops · Accepted Answer

Um... any girl who puts on 30 pounds that fast is having an issue somewhere. I put on 30 pounds since college but that was like 7 years ago. To do that in 10 months tells me she’s probably emotional right now stressed out by something. Instead of yelling at her because she’s fatter and you no longer find her attractive , try asking her what’s going on. I don’t understand why men don’t think to ask if their girlfriend or wife is stressed about something. Honestly, your behavior sounds abusive. You need to work on yourself, too.

Chikky · Answer

U gotta work together babe, or break up nicely at least u owe her that, 10 months is a long time to be with someone. You guys have lost interest in each other, that's what your post mean to me, and if ure not interested in helping her no more don't prolong her stay with u.

Logorithim · Answer

OK, address this sensitively. And you should still have sex with her.

ChronicThinker · Answer

If it doesn't work for you, then move on. You put it out there to her, you encouraged her, she's showing you it isn't a priority.

N192K001 · Answer

That serious weight-gain seems like an indicator a a deeper problem and/or she's so secure in you, she's gotten complacent… to the max. Giver her a chance to redeem herself and save the relationship. If (by a mutually-agreed deadline) she does not comply, she has made the conscious decision to terminate the relationship and you can leave will a clear conscience.

Schedule a time to discover this weight-contributing matter (which may include this wight-related struggle between the 2 of you). Systematically catalogue the issues and causal factors and, together, arrange a battle plan to defeat each of the target areas. Then, make monthly (broken to weekly, broken to daily) goals and/or outcomes (as applicable).

THEN, issue the ultimatum: Define the optimal & bare-minimum levels of effort, compliance, and results to save the relationship, as well as a reasonable, mutually-agreed deadlines (both the "final" and "inter-step"). Each inter-step requirement failed registers a demerit (as irrevocable as past failures). If she misses them all (and/or a mutually-agreed number), she is choosing to end the relationship. The ball is on her court and the life of the relationship is dependent on her actions. Your departure would simply be compliance to an mutually-signed contract/agreement.

Have weekly and monthly assessment sessions. Allow for adjustments/amendments, but initially define what can be adjusted, the extent of allowable adjustments, and the unchangeable elements of the agreement. Give encouragements and/or constructive criticisms as needed.

Join her, too, so she doesn't feel alone. She should know… There should be no doubt in her mind that you really do care for her and that you really, really want her to succeed (if that is really your sentiment. This must be honest. If not, then quit.). She must know that her disregard for her own health is an unacceptable deal-breaker. (You love her too much to see her destroy/compromise herself, and incur future medical bills.) She must know that her disregard for her own self is strongly tempting you to do the same, and ONLY SHE can change that.

The ultimatum's schedule uses elements of the "12 Week Year" system, originally developed by Soviet Olympic athletes for results.
https://12weekyear.com/
The means should be effective, but ONLY if the CAUSE (S)/WHY'S of her weight-gain are addressed, eliminating the ball & chain to her leg and giving her motivation to actually DO/comply with it.

Sonjita · Answer

YES SHE NEEDS TO LOSE WEIGHT! 80kg IN THE SHAPE OF HER SELFISH BOYFRIEND!

First of all, it's not even that much weight. I am model skinny, and I work out, but I feel for this girl.
Because she might be going through something. And she is in a shitty relationship. NO SEX? YOU YELL AT HER? ARGUING ALL THE TIME? She seems to have a low self esteem. If I was her, I would have dumped you.

I once gained 5kg (which for my height is nothing), I still didn't have any belly fat and I had boobs 😍, and my ex boyfriend told me "Baby, you gained a little weight. I should make a work out plan for you". I broke up with him the same day.

If I'm in a relationship, I want a man who adores me, not a retard who disrespects me.

You need to tell her that she is still beautiful, and that you love her and care about her, work out with her or get her into some sports. Don't eat any junk in front of her, kiss her, cuddle, have sex, laugh, watch a movie together, go for a walk, hold hands, make her feel good... When she starts feeling better about herself and about your relationship, she will start to take care of herself more. If you can't do this, then you need to break up with her.

lumos · Answer

It sounds like she's having other issues. You don't gain that much weight in such a short amount of time unless you're basically eating your feelings. Talk to her and ask her why she's eating so much, if she's stressed out or feeling bad because of something. Instead of making it a fight about attraction or health, turn it into a conversation about her mental health and if there are some underlying issues that are pushing her to eat so much. Maybe ask her if she needs therapy and if that would help. I understand that it's hard to watch your partner let themselves go, not just because it affects the attraction you feel towards them, but also because it's unhealthy and might indicate an even bigger problem.
My suggestion is to try to stay by her side while she figures it out. See if she'll go to therapy or if she can tackle the actual root of the problem. If she won't, and keeps going back into her old habits, I honestly wouldn't hold it against you if you wanted to break up. Attraction is a big part of a relationship, and so is self-care and health.

Lish89 · Answer

Would she stuck around if you did? What if something happened to you like being layed up with a broken leg and you let yourself go? Would she wipe your ass? Those are more important then her gaining some weight. However, that being said. If she's letting herself go and just not eating healthy or putting in an effort, its unhealthy. As much as we don't want to be shallow, we are. My guy admits he's shallow, so when I got pregnant, I was so scared to let myself go and struggle to lose the weight after. I made the effort to stay fit during my pregnancy and to not use the famous pregnancy excuse as a way to just eat what I wanted and let myself go. I stayed in shape, gained what I needed to for my BMI and walked lots during the first few weeks after baby. In three months I lost not only my baby weight but one more jean size. My spouse saw that I made the effort even though pregnancy weight is a pretty good excuse. He saw that I made the effort to get myself back to the person I was before baby. It's different if your in love with someone that size and then complain but it can also be a struggle. You've only been together 10 months, there's a thing called "love pounds" that happens in the first year. We all go through it. I would definitely take a different approach though as your making her feel like shit which is probably making her depressed about it. Go to the gym together, go for walks, make it something you do together and support her. Yelling at her and making her feel unsexy isn't going to make her try harder, it's gonna discourage her and make it tougher to lose cause she will feel so bad about herself and damage her self esteem. Put yourself in her shoes and be the good supportive guy.. she will see that your there even at her low points which is going to make a better partnership in the long run.

CuChullan · Answer

Don't you realise she is comfort eating because of a problem? Maybe the problem is you and your expectations. Maybe she doesn't want to live up to them.
My S/O went on a comfort eating binge and added serious amounts of weight. I didn't berate her. I knew she was having problems with work, with her self esteem, her confidence. I gave her the love and support she needed and still needs. I never told her off for eating junk. I help her build her confidence and esteem. It took time, years. Now her old clothes hang off her she no longer fills them, she has more interest in her appearance. She's a far more assertive, strong and confident woman.
The way you are watching her every move and calling her out isn't helping one little bit. Next time you're going to the shops ask her would she like something nice. Even if she says no buy her one of her favourite junk goodies. Hand it to her with a smile, hug her, and tell her to enjoy it. Talk openly, stop with the demands and criticism. Let her find her own level. She will.

CatsCurious · Answer

Honestly, if you can't accept her the way she is, then break up with her. She needs to find someone who will love her for who she is and who will love the body type that she is comfortable maintaining. You need to find someone who will match your lifestyle and comfort levels. It sounds like you aren't good for each other anymore. Forcing yourselves into an uncomfortable or forced situation will only prolong the inevitable.

The fact that you're posting your problem on here is an indication that you want to be given a specific answer - possibly one that you were too afraid to entertain without the proper encouragement. Think of the answer you would most like to hear and act from there. It sounds like you want a way out and the only person who can give that way out is you.

I don't think you are a bad person. Not at all. I don't think she is at fault either. I just think that your lifestyle and values don't match her's - and that's a toxic way to be in a relationship. I think you both should be with people that support who you are, what you look like, and your lifestyles.

MPAHG · Answer

Why don't you try to think differently.. Maybe she's the one who's suffering from something that led her to gain a lot of weight !!! You can't judge the person and know what's going on in their lives just by having a relationship... I think you should try to figure out whether there's something going on with her or not... Once you show her that you care, she'll definitely tell you.

I guess that I have a similar situation. I don't have a boyfriend but I've been lately so stressed. I'm a student that attends school 6 days per week, I work 6 days per week and I'm a hard working student so I try to keep up with all the homeworks, exams and tasks. It's honestly toooooo much. I started gaining weight and became so broken and tired from the inside. I got to a situation where I found myself crying alone in my room.
Not wanting my family to see me like this put more pressure on me because I have to fake it.

You never know what's going on. Talk to her.. Maybe there's really something going on and maybe I'm wrong.

Anonymous · Answer

There is absolutely something deeper going on. I'm going through something similar.

People all get up in arms about people being judgy about weight, but if we talk health, longevity, physicality in bed, and sharing interests it's suddenly PC. You said the words "I'm not shallow", so I'm assuming you are fine if she is less than obese and can do all the fun things with you, and not risk her long term health. That's where I am. We want people to put their bodies first (within reason) because it literally keeps them alive and is the reason they can do anything.

But the weight is always the symptom, not the main problem. As the boyfriend we have to go after the problem.

Was she always non obese before meeting you? She has the health skills, knows the sustainable lifestyle? Or did she brute force lose weight before you dated? You know what I mean, the working out constantly, fad diets, starvation, all while drinking etc.

If people don't have the skills they will revert. It's a skills problem. But if she has the skills, then there's something she's feeding with food. You have to figure that out.

You can fish it out by approaching sensitively. Saying that you want to be together a long time. A vibrant life with no limits. Does she agree? But you are concerned that she's putting herself, her body, last in priority. That she's trying to bury something. A partner can and should be a guide. But they need to open up.

Be sensitive. Don't demand an answer just then, but revisit maybe once a week to show your resolve. Concern but not ultimatum can work best with women.

What is your girls long term typical weight? Is she someone who brute force lost weight to get a guy? Fad diets, still drinking a lot, etc? If so she may not have the skills to be healthy yet. Or, there's an insecurity she's feeding with food.

Anonymous · Answer

1. You're just dating so if you want to break up because she sneezed wrong, that is your prerogative but why haven't you done it yet if you feel no attraction, feel like she's let herself go completely, and is not trying, etc? That makes me wonder if you do care a bit more than you're letting on.

2. If the former is true, TALK to her. Really talk to her. Definition of insanity is trying the same things over and over again and expecting different results---telling her to shape up, get fit, eat right, is not working, so try a different tactic. Sit down for a no B.S. real talk about what's going on with her and let her speak. Legit a lot of times weight gain has nothing to do with 'just being lazy.' Oftentimes it is a symptom of a larger issue that is going unchecked in that persons life.

3. Let her know whatever it is, you want to help her with that AND you want to do the workout/eat right thing together. Offer positive reinforcement instead of a negative, 'why are you eating that junk food again,' You could try leaving a note on the fridge that reads, "I can't wait to workout with you this afternoon because you make our workouts fun," or encourage her to pick the activity you do for a workout--maybe she hates walking, but loves biking--try doing something she will actually want to do.

If you're in a true partnership, you work things out together, but if you're past caring and you're just not into it, then honestly leave her to find someone who suits whatever you're looking for and let her find what she needs because just sticking around to stick around is not going to help either of you.

Anonymous · Answer

Haha oh shit! Are you my boyfriend? Lol 😂

this is awful it sounds like me!
With the only difference being HE is the one that still wants sex and I don’t!
Because like I feel awful!
Cause I’m so fat! I wouldn’t even have sex with myself! Lol so I dnt understand why he still wants to have sex with me.. so instead I tell him not until I look better lol and I've been saying that forever!
, and I’m just getting worse!
I too eat healthy and cook healthy but then stuff myself with junk lol 😂 it’s not funny but it’s funny cause you said it and I can relate!

I would have dumped me five millions years ago! But I don't know why he’s still there... he always says I need to be strict on my diet and get a personal trainer but I tell him no, that I can do it all by myself... and I’m sure I can’t, I just always end up eating like a pig! Ugh! I’m disgusted with myself...

It sounds superficial, but I myself would not want to be with him if the roles were reversed!
He always goes to the gym, eats healthy and is super attractive!
I’d break up if I were him... I’d break up with I we’re you! Lol so Sad! But it’s true! XD

prettynormal · Answer

Just yesterday I cried on my husband’s shoulder telling him how much I appreciate that he has loved me at my fittest and my heaviest, when I look really bad and when I look good... We’ve been together 12 years, I don’t know how many diets he has seen me do... I know he really likes when I’m fit, that’s how he met me, but he still loves me and wants me when I’m overweight. He’s a keeper. I don’t know about you. She might be depressed. Stop being so selfish, and love her for who she is not for how she looks.

babygirlkeai · Answer

Honestly if you don't care about her enough to not give a shit if she gains weight or not, you should break it off because she deserves someone who cares more about her personality and helping her instead of making her feel bad and choosing looks over everything. You obviously don't love her so break it off. You're leading her on and hurting her and wasting both of your time. And just an FYI, if you get uncomfortable with your girlfriend being comfortable with you, then honestly don't date anyone. Most people still try to look nice and impress their s/o sometimes even when very comfortable or have been together for a long time, but regardless if you're disgusted by your girlfriend because she's comfortable around you and maybe is on a rough patch and needs to get some help or motivation with her health, then she deserves someone who actually gives a shit. It's really shitty to see how people talk about their s/o in this way when their other half could be thinking the complete opposite and think everything is okay. That's not fair to her. Go try to find yourself a super model and see if she stays in shape for the rest of her life or has a good heart. Stop wasting her time. If my boyfriend responded in the way that you are, I would be devastated and so upset he got involved with me. Instead of doing that, he let me do my own thing, gain a few pounds, realize I want to loose some and respect MY CHOICES. and yes he's a very thin man and prefers skinney girls. He didn't have an excuse. He told me he loved me and regardless if I gained weight or not that wouldn't change anything. Don't date someone you don't give a shit about, and regardless if you dont realize or want to hurt her, you need to stop. That is what will kill someone's self esteem. Go find yourself a girlfriend at the gym and see what happens, but for the love of God don't continue hurting this poor girl.

Paris13 · Answer

I know you Do Love her Unconditionally but you Are very Afraid she is Getting Out of Control like an oversized Mole.
Be encouraging. Something is Bugging her, This is Why, No Lie, She is Binging and without You, She may Even Get later Here, dear, I Fear.
Beauty is Formed from the inside, This is Why, No Lie, You Began your No-Big Beguine with Her so do not Hurt Her.
She is the same, Has the Same name, Just Needs your Loving Soul Mate Weight Life Support to Get Her Back on Track and She WILL POWER!!! xxoo

Koki11 · Answer

Wanting her to stay the same is kinda unfair to her a woman's body changes, soo i dont think you are into her as much as you think. And i think maybe she isn't as rigid about working out as you are and thats something you clearly can't get over sooo. I would break up coz you'll eventually lower her self esteem to the point where she'll feel insecure around you coz weight is already a big deal as is to a girl so when your man says something its shattering.
She's not for you n u are not for her. She needs a guy that won't care about the weight gain n u need a girl that is a little more active soo leave the poor girl nicely.

Anonymous · Answer

Break up with her. Yes this seems small now, but before you know it she'll be 300lbs if she keeps this up, and it will only be pain. I'd encourage her to lose weight first but if she refuses, break up with her. You'll have to visit the doctor a lot more often if she does end up becoming obese because of back problems, increased risk of heart failure, etc and everything else that comes with obesity. And I hope you don't want this to be long term cause worse case scenario, her lifespan will be cut off by 50 years. Not only that but people who get obese almost always do it due to bad habits, habits which may not be so desirable in a partner. But it's ultimately your choice, this is just my thoughts on the matter.

TLDR: Encourage her to lose weight, and if she doesn't, drop it before it gets worse.

Xxv6xX · Answer

Well if you do it is insinuating that you only liked her because of her appearance and not for the person she is and if you don't and stick by her it might get better and all relationships have a rocky patch a couple of times but if you manage to stick together you will come out stronger together and if you don't you will just be running away and once you start doing that whenever a relationship gets difficult your first thought would be to cut and run and that isn't fair or right but if it truly is unbearable then I can see why you would but after all it is your choice.

openbook1843 · Answer

How is she otherwise—do you still enjoy the same things that you always did, or has she lost interest? Is her personality/sense of humor the same or does she seem depressed or emotionally unavailable? There’s more to relationship than sex, but if you guys are drifting apart because she generally just changing in all ways, maybe it’s time to sit down and talk about where you guys stand.

If she’s generally The same person that she was when you first started dating, and the only change is that she’s gaining weight, leaving her for only that one reason is extremely shallow.

Girlfriend is letting herself go? Should I break up?

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