I deduced that an old ex (the one who got away) cheated on me. Not sure to feel better or worse?

[Anonymous]

About 5 years ago I met the what seemed to be the right woman at the wrong time. She near perfect to what I always wanted but she came in my life at the wrong time. She was the one who said “I love you” over and over and over again. She constantly told my how lucky she was. Showed me off to her friends, fam, etc. However it made me nervous because I at first thought she was indulging in a school girl fantasy. But over the course of a year I started to believe her and really believed there was something special.

But the truth was I was going through some very difficult circumstances in my personal life and I was taking out on her. I needed to figure out shit on my own. I wanted to break up with her but I couldn’t get myself to do it. She was the first girl I met who I thought truly understood me. Getting serious with her did cross my mind but the timing was all f*cked up.

Anyway my behavior (I acted disconnected) at the time eventually drove her into dumping me. When the day came I was honest about where I stood and accepted her decision. She said “don’t be a stranger” and we seemingly left with mutual respect. I wanted her to by happy and if it was without me I could accept that. I also admit I was flirty with other girls while we dated (wrong I admit) but I never made physical/emotional contact with anyone despite having several opportunities to.

We still had to communicate after the split but she treated me like scum of the earth afterwards. This culminated after I found out I have a HPV infection 3 weeks after we split. After two weeks of debating I decided to tell her about it out of concern for her health (in hindsight a huge mistake). Her response was literally “Oh thank God I’m vaccinated as for you…your an ex so tough luck”. It was the nastiest insult I have ever taken from a woman. I was devastated for a very long time. (cont)

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(Cont). Anyway I never expected to get her back or even “be friends”. But just her nastiness and callousness was beyond anything I ever predicted. After going through some of the comments she said earlier I deduced: she was frustrated with me, met a new guy at work and fucked him, use that incident as the final “push” to break up, fixated on all my flaws to justify her sickening bs to herself, said platitudes like “don’t be a stranger” because she felt guilty in the moment but treated me

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like shit as a way of doubling down on her guilt.

This is what happened. Now obviously there is nothing I can do. But this burned very bad. I’ve had other women burn me before but I didn’t think a person like that was capable of that.

I guess I can say “well I’m better off without that whore”. But seriously makes me not trust women at all.

[devilish-cutie]

i think you had issues and respponsability goes both ways. Men often think women will be nice to you all the time cause they are "nice type" and they think they can control them. Dont underestimate women, everyone can be nasty, especially if they are treated badly. you can't keep treating someone like shit and expect them to always take it. Im not justifyng her behavior, its just that everyone wants to save face

[Asker]

This had nothing to do with control. I loved her and love isn’t about possession. It’s about wanting what’s best for someone.

This is about closure. She’s was afraid to give it because she had something to hide. But she either has no idea or doesn’t care about the incredible damage she did.

I admitted I was disconnected but I sure as hell didn’t cheat, act physically/emotionally abusive, steal or lie. But why is it that so many women think two wrongs make a right?

Nothing I can do. But you women wonder why men have commitment issues and have a hard time saying “I love you”. This is why.

[devilish-cutie]

it has nothing to do with gender but peronality and level of maturity, people generally hurt someone who hurts them. It also makes no sense to constantly be good and take someone's shit while they hurt you. She obviously asnt the girl for you or you guy for her. You obviously also havev some issues with ysf and maybe you should focus on improving that before you enter another relationship and act in a way that can again make things problematic. Sure, there are never guarantees that the next women you meet will be decent human being but that0s why its very important to really get to know someone before you get involved with them and not lie to ysf when you see red flags

[Asker]

Thank you but that advice is useless.

Also gender DOES play into these dynamics and it plays in heavily. If the roles were reversed she would screamed bloody murder and gone absolutely ballistic. I had another ex who threaten to kill herself just because I admitted I got back on a dating app (didn’t meet anyone) while her and I were “taking a break”.

Anyway we are not going to agree here. But this is written more for you to see the guy’s POV. We don’t get away with using our “emotions” to justify doing extremely shitty things the same way women do.

[Anonymous]

That's too much . She doesn't have the right to do that you didn't do much hurt for her. in my opinion after what she have done you telling yourself you did the right thing. Genuine good kind people would never do that they end it peacefully.

But that's long time 5 years it's very long time you may need to go on therapy

[Asker]

I have been getting therapy. Overall it’s helpful but recollecting what happened has made me close to 100% sure she cheated. It was in the back of my mind at the time. I knew she was banging her coworker (we were still connected on FB for a month). But I thought that happened after she split which I could of cared less about. But now I realize it happened fucking before she broke up.

Nothing I can do. But it’s making me look at all this differently. On one end I feel better about my shortcomings because she fucking blew it out of the water. On the other end I feel like if I couldn’t trust her then who can I trust? She cheated and I got the STI…. smdh.

[Opinion Owner]

if I couldn’t trust her then who can I trust?

Change that mindset don't trust that easy trust is more valuable than love . Believe me if she was genuinely that kind at first place she wouldn't hurt you that much she would just walk away and end it but by now you have seen how ugly she's from the inside I think you wouldn't wife something like that.

You're not alone Many of us have been in worse situations. There's millions of other women out there don't tunnel vision that cheater. And work on yourself go to gym be better version of yourself .
Goodluck

[Asker]

I’ve actually done lots of very good things and bad things to myself over the last few years trying to get my mind off of this. I know the ugly truth. She liked me a lot but I didn’t live up to the mental fantasy she had her head. She also started associating with far left people who brainwashed her with feminism bullshit.

Anyway thanks man. I know this anonymous question doesn’t do much. This was more just to ventilate.

[Avicenna]

You'll feel pain for awhile, but it goes away eventually

[Asker]

It’s abated somewhat. But this has haunted me for longer than I ever expected it to.

[Iron_Man]

You might want to seek out therapy

[Asker]

I’m already getting it. I had a EMDR session about this a few weeks ago. I deeply recalled every detail of what happened. After the incident I went from 95% to 99.99% sure she cheated on me.

There is nothing I can do. I know that now and I knew that then. But knowing that she cheated is making me look at her and myself differently. On one end I feel less guilt about my shortcomings given she is a selfish whore. On the other end it’s extremely depressing that her of all people would do that. Are any women to be trusted?

[Asker]

It’s just way she doubled down on being a cunt afterwards to self justify her bs. Guilt can drive people in two directions and she took the shittiest route.