I have been haunted for years over what happened with one of my exes?

[Anonymous]

It was a closure issue. I’m know I’m never going to get it but what she did at the end and more specifically what she said to me absolutely devastated me. I accepted (and quasi wanted) the break up at the time. I accepted it and because I really loved her and wanted her to be happy. If that meant a future without me than so be it. True love isn’t about possession. It’s about wanting what’s best for someone else. But she inexplicably treated me like I was less than human afterwards. I found a year ago through a mutual friend she cheated on me. I never saw that coming.

If tried to personally resolve in my head for years on end now. I’ve been in two other relationships since then that also ended badly but I rarely think of those incidents nowadays. However with her it’s a demon that just won’t quit. I wish I could get a lobotomy to forget everything about her.

Does a last resort option exist for dealing with this?

[HollyK21]

Sorry you’re going through this, a lot of us have been there before and it sucks a lot. What you’ve been doing is nursing that grievance and in a big way, refusing to let it go. Maybe it’s because you crave that closure from her. You want her to be sorry, to acknowledge she was wrong and to apologize, which anyone who was wronged would want. But after all this time, and knowing you won’t get any of this for her, it’s just time to stop ruminating over that heartbreak and look forward to the future, rather than being a victim of your past. All of your hurt is legitimate, but it’s been a long time now, and time to actively do the legwork to let it go.


If you haven’t already, then take some time to allow yourself to grieve that loss in a real way — express your pain. Whether it’s venting to friends or a therapist, finding a hobby or an outlet. Address every aspect of that devastation, one final time. Then, stop reliving your past. Stop telling yourself that story where you’re the protagonist and are forever the victim of her actions. When that hurt pops back up, gently bring yourself back to the present, and focus on your current happiness. Because you deserve that.

[Asker]

I’ve done all you said above and I even sent her a very carefully written letter a few years ago. We did have some limited contact for two years after the split. But she never messaged me first and when she responded it was curt. She never told me to stop contacting her though. If she would have I would of stopped immediately. While her behavior was inexplicable at the time it later made compete f*cking sense because she had displaced guilt for cheating.

I was honest in the letter. Told her I wasn’t trying to get her back or even be “friends”. Told how much I regretted my mistakes (never cheated but I did act douchey at times). Told her how deeply I was hurt about what she said to me when a serious issue came up. Also told her I forgave her (I didn’t know about the cheating at the time). She never responded but I know she read it. A few weeks later she deleted two really old FB photos Just wish she could at least acknowledged that.

Anyway thanks for your advice.

[HollyK21]

It’s good that you have already, and sorry her response did not suffice. Still, I think other aspects of what I was saying could benefit, like actively working to heal from that situation, find closure within yourself and shut that door for good. A big part of healing and forgiveness is being able to take accountability for whatever you did wrong, forgiving yourself for those things and forgiving her for her faults as well, so since you’ve already implemented some of this then you are already on the right path.

[Asker]

The forgiveness was liberating at the time. But when I found out she cheated and me want to claw it all back. She started hanging out with far leftist feminist types at the end of our relationship. I think they poisoned her mind into believing her shitty behavior was justified. She had to see me as less than human to make herself feel better. This is the same girl who told me how lucky she was and how in love she was for entire year.

Anyway I don’t mean to keep on dwelling on it. Truth is whenever a screwed over by a girl in the back of mind I knew it was possible. My girlfriend after that ghosted me after dating for 9 months. She was young and immature so I was semi mentally prepared for it. It sucked but I got over it. I definitely don’t think about her everyday. But as for this girl I didn’t think it was possible for her to do what she did. I’ve met dozens of women since but none of them had the same chemistry we had.

Anyway no more moping. I just wish I could get this monkey off my back for good.

[HollyK21]

I feel like you set yourself back in from moving forward by holding on to that situation. Trust me I do get where you’re coming from, as I’ve dealt with the whole cheater situation and it’s very hurtful. But the past is a place of reference, not residence. You have to accept that she just isn’t as sorry or apologetic as you wish she’d be, and it would also be very helpful to not compare other women to her. I know that everything I’m saying to you could easily be looked at from an “I know I know” standpoint, or “how do I do this or that”. But thinking that way only complicated the very simple notions of forgiveness and acceptance. Change your way of thinking from being a victim, and instead grow from what she’s done.

[Asker]

@hollyk21 yes that is accurate. It doesn’t help that my dating life has been hell for the last 3 years. Anyway.

[HollyK21]

I feel you dude. One heartbreak is enough, but then when other relationships fail, somehow you go back to thinking about the original situation that caused the most trauma and allow it to hurt you all over again. But all of that is far too depressing and bleak. Do you have a therapist or have considered it at least? What about a method of venting?

[Asker]

I’ve done the following: therapy, mens groups, international traveling, new hobbies, crossfit, martial arts, new career, new house and home improvement, started learning a new language and the list goes on

I’ve also done some very self destructive activities. I don’t care to talk about it in detail here. I will say that I am giving an honest effort to quit porn. I used to think it was harmless but now I recognize it’s a real vice and it has had detrimental impacts on relationships.

Again I know it’s near impossible to reunite. I accepted the break up. But she was a big part of my life and she supported me when I was a competitive athlete. I have a golden memory of winning a championship with her support. There was a picture of me hugging her after I won. I understood why she untagged herself from all the old photos. But that one was a very special moment.

Anyway I just keep asking myself if im just too overly sensitive and emotionally weak as a man to have this linger this long. There was so many times back then I just wanted to call her up back then and yell at her (I’ve had worse done to me). But im not allowed to because im a man and im so called “threatening”. It’s just bullshit

[HollyK21]

Even if it weren’t for you being a man (which also doesn’t matter. Don’t let society convince you that you aren’t allow to have feelings and be human), calling just to yell wouldn’t have been wise, only because that’s a quick way to start an argument, and then neither of you would be listening. You’ve done a lot to try and move on which is really good, a lot of people don’t, but in a big way you’re still holding yourself back from truly receiving the help that those outlets can offer. I could be wrong, but it just seems like you don’t want to let her go, even if it’s absentmindedly. As you said, she played a big role in your life and you haven’t found someone who has been able to measure up to her. This creates even more resentment, like why did she have to screw everything up. You say you want a real apology and stuff from her, but maybe the underlying goal is for her to want you again and maybe patch stuff up. If I’m wrong and these things are the case, then what do you really want? What would make you close that door for good?

[Asker]

No there were some issues where I knew deep down it wouldn’t work out long term. But she was chapter in a book. You read past it because it leads you to something else. But you don’t tear out the pages and burn them like she did. I just wanted the memory respected.

And again I loved her enough to understand if she was ultimately happier with someone else than so be it. It’s still heartbreaking but it’s understandable.

I never got angry or rose my voice during the break up. However she did so conveniently have her roommate and her roommates boyfriend around the day it happened (never met him before). He acted surface polite but I knew from the tone is voice he was asked to be there to keep an eye on me. However I had NEVER even hinted to getting violet with her. Never. But again she had to see me as less than human to make herself feel better about her bullshit.

Anyway there was another major detail to this I left out of the convo. I just don’t feel comfortable sharing it publicly.

[HollyK21]

I don’t think her intention with untagging herself was an attempt to disrespect the memory. She’s like many other people who would rather have their ex out of sight and out of mind, as well as closing that chapter for good. It’s just how some people handle breakups, and it has less to do with you and more to do with coping in general. Maybe the bigger problem with how she handled things was you not wanting it to be over for good. Otherwise it wouldn’t still be heartbreaking after all this time, or awaken all of those hurtful feelings.

[HollyK21]

Also it’s totally fine if you don’t want to talk about that one uncomfortable aspect.

[Asker]

Well the issue that came up later took things to another level.

Yes I do know she wanted to get me out of sight and mind. But what she said to me actually had a reverse effect. I reached out to her more because I didn’t want believe it.

Anyway it’s been 7 years now: had hook ups, flings, friends with benefits and two other long term gfs over this time people. I’ve encountered at least 50 other women (didn’t sleep them all of course). Some the girls were cool others horrible. Some average looking however one was a beautiful young fitness model.

HoweverI just can’t find someone who was like what we had. She (or so I thought) understood me. I brought it up in the letter that “I just couldn’t see a person such as yourself doing what you did to someone like me”. However she wanted to reinvent herself and not in a good way.

[HollyK21]

Wow, 7 years is a really long time. Don’t make yourself feel bad or guilty about it, because being deeply in love and getting the outcome you got is a hard thing to go through. For all you know you could date someone exactly like your ex and still not be satisfied because it isn’t her. Who knows, maybe you are over her, just not over your life with her and what you had. I think it’s just at a point that you have to accept that that life doesn’t exist anymore, and I mean like really reorient your mind to grasp, process and accept it. You are always going to have her in your heart, love her despite her faults and miss her, even if you hate that you do. But all you can do is keep growing, doing what makes you happy and eventually you will find someone else to love just as much. No one can replace her but that isn’t the point. It’s just realizing she wasn’t the last stop on your road in love, and you will find that happiness again. Until you do, just keep working to not obsess over that situation or allow it to consume you.

[Asker]

Thanks for hearing me out. I made a lot mistakes with her (not cheating). I failed to communicate. Failed to listen. Failed to do my end. I acted immature and selfish at times.

Also for some intangible reason I had a hard time feeling physically interested to her. I was at war with myself at the time saying I didn’t want to ruin a good thing. I actually considered breaking with her but it was so hard because she did nothing wrong. In a way I wanted her to break with me. Make it easier for her to move on. That planned worked TOO well. I regretted it. I actually did the right thing with my last girlfriend (different woman) and respectfully broke up with her face to face.

Anyway thanks hearing me out. Dating life isn’t easy at my age and where I live. Things have gotten much tougher.

[HollyK21]

No worries at all dude, I’ve just been in a similar place and understand how hard and frustrating it can be getting past someone. Especially when some real time starts passing and it’s like shit, why am I still on this? Lol. Anyway, it’s very mature of you to acknowledge where you went wrong, because you can take those faults and apply them in the future as what not to do. I think sometimes the people we love and lose aren’t meant to be the endgame, they’re just in our lives to teach us the lesson (s) that only they are capable of doing, then their work is done and it’s time to move on. Maybe she was that for you, and your takeaway from it despite the hurt she put your through are all of the positive moments and the things you learned about yourself as a person. I know the dating scene can be bleak, honestly not even just where you are but everywhere. After so long I genuinely never thought I’d find the right person at my age, or that anyone would top that person who did so much damage. Now I’m in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. You just never know when the tides will change.

[Asker]

Well I appreciate it. Not to continue with more pessimism but initial dating is tougher for guys. I’m a bit jaded at this point.

[HollyK21]

After enough negative situations I’d be surprised if you weren’t at least a little pessimistic and tired of trying to date altogether. I’m not sure about you, but I’m a firm believer in things falling into place when they are meant to, for one reason or another. Maybe right now is a good time to be single (not insinuating that you are even looking or interested in love right now, of course). You can focus on bettering yourself and moving forward from your ex. Even though it seems bleak, there’s a light at the end of this tunnel. You will get there eventually🙏

[Asker]

thanks

[Little_Bumblebee]

Sometimes you just won't get to closure you think you need. Real life doesn't always give you that pretty bow so you can move on.

It doesn't sound like you have the kind of relationship where you can meet up with her for a cup of coffee to talk things through and even if you did, you should know it wouldn't guarantee that closure.

You have to find it yourself from within.
Maybe you need help to get there from a professional or someone you trust in your personal life.

[Trevelyan88]

Have you tried therapy?

[Asker]

Yes. Quite extensively actually. Last year I did a EMDR session about this.

It helped to a certain extent. But I can’t just seem to nail the demon in the coffin. It always rears its ugly head when im having problems in other parts of my life.

[In_Trance]

Therapy