He told me he doesn't want to date me anymore that its over so why is my mind constantly thinking maybe he will change his mind? How can I stop?

[Anonymous]

I have to remind myself what he said that it won't work out because he has "too many flaws" and that we don't match because im sort of dependent on situations where I always need help on or advice and he feels overwhelmed with me he says. He said hi to me today but I felt hurt and my emotions took over me where I felt hate towards him because he hurt me (things he would do on purpose) I wasn't really talking to him mainly avoiding him to not show emotion but when he said "I did nothing wrong why you being rude?" It hit me and I felt my eyes watery and I just wanted to be left alone. Until he excused himself and I cried but without him seeing. Later I felt bad and texted him sorry but he didn't seem to really care. Then I thought why does it even matter? He isn't even interested in me. If he was he wouldn't let me go and see someone else

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+1 y

Its almost like my heart tries to give me hope but my mind is telling me "no it will never work anymore". I get sad feelings that its over and remember fun times but then it was going really horrible towards end for usmainly how he was treating me. I hate this about me. I just never seem to learn and no matter how much someone hurts me I still want to fix it or make it work and I just keep hurting myself that way because I want it how it used to be

[Anonymous]

There’s no quick fix to getting over a hurtful breakup; it’s going to take time, especially if you still see him around so you aren’t getting the benefit of ‘out of sight out of mind’. You sound really troubled, like beyond the breakup, it’s your dynamic with men and almost like you’re frantically trying to figure out how to manage your emotions. We can’t tell you how to do that, I highly doubt anyone on this site is equipped for that. But if you haven’t done so yet, honestly you should consider professional help, like therapy. Maybe it would be good to vent, figure out how you got to where you are. Address past trauma, hurtful situations and toxic patterns you’ve created while dating. Once you know what’s going on and figure out how to cope, you can make better choices going forward.

[Asker]

I do have trauma i get so much anxiety when dating because I have so many fears and when that fear does come true I get worse for the next person I meet because I get more anxiety and worry "how long will it last?". Thats why I avoided him all last week but I had to pick up stuff at where we live and he knocked on my door. I really didn't want to see him because my mind starts thinking everywhere. I'm moving out soon so hopefully it helps somewhat. I do think thats a great idea to do therapy I think I need it because now I'm afraid to interact with guys where I get really nervous and become so awkward where I just want to avoid and not make eye contact

[Opinion Owner]

I definitely understand that fear, I went through that for a while when dating, and after a really bad, depressing breakup I realized how toxic it is. Right now is definitely not a good time to date, and therapy would be best. More than anything it’s because in a way you equate these breakups with your worth, and each time something ends you feel like something is wrong with you. You gradually feel less lovable, less worthy, and those feelings just eat away at your mental state, giving you bad anxieties and depressions. Soon you’re going to get tired of feeling this way (if you’re not already) every time some idiot breaks your heart. That’s why it’s better to be single, work on healing, and self love. Learn how to become more self-dependent, and happy on your own so that when a man leaves it won’t feel like the end of the world, and instead you can truly be like it’s his loss. Therapy helps with that, so you’re less codependent about things, like feeling happy or helped, or having new experiences and feeling less alone. You can overcome all those fears.

[Asker]

Yes I agree so much I do feel not worth anything and feel used but then I think he's the one that lost me I was really good to him. I do feel tired feeling this way it feels exhausting but I feel little better compared to last week I wasn't getting any sleep at all and felt so crazy, felt everything spiraling out and having no control. What are ways I can self love? Something I really need to do is love myself first because I always put a guy 1st than me. So far I been spending more time with family and working more hours but I feel I need to do something for me but not sure what

[Asker]

I am glad I got a season pass at a water park with my sister and I wore a bikini for the 1st time which was hard since I have low self esteem

[Opinion Owner]

Genuinely so glad to hear that you feel like you’re doing better rather than worse, and even happier that despite your negative feelings, you can still look at the situation and say “his loss”, because it really is. As for self love, it looks and feels different for everyone, so of course my methods may not be what works for you, but here are some things I do: one is speaking positive affirmations to myself daily. Depending on where your self esteem is at, you may have a hard time with that because you’ll feel guilty or undeserving of feeling good about yourself. For me, affirmations help fix that mindset into not only believing, but knowing I’m worthy of my expectations. Start small if you want, telling yourself you look nice today even if you don’t really believe it, then work your way up with bigger compliments. Another method I learned was to stop my “nothing works for me” pity party when men ended things or ghosted me. I learned that I was so disappointed and hurt by things not working out because I looked forward to those milestones to make me happy. In reality, you have to find little pockets of happiness, put as many of them as you can together, and watch that in the aggregate create a life that you’re excited about. Falling in love with and feeling at home in your own life is about the little things, which in turn makes you feel good without a guy around and thinking only he can give you those moments. For me it’s dressing up when I feel not so cute, or nurturing a plant and watching it grow. Stuff like these make me happy in my ongoing self love journey, because it is an every day, long term thing.

[Asker]

Oh I will try that! Yeah that was my problem too I basically put expectations in the future and when it doesn't go as planned I get so upset. I also plan on buying a pot for a plant and painting it to decorate it 😊

[Anonymous]

How are dependent on him?

[Asker]

Well thats what he said but for example I bought a car by myself but they charged me extra fees for something I didn't ask for and he had to go with me to cancel that charge. Or when dmv didn't want to give me my title there was an error and I went to him crying saying "what do I do?" And he got frustrated but in that case I solved it on my own. What he doesn't understand is before I met him i lived with my mom who wouldn't let me out so everything is new to me and im learning but its sad he doesn't have patience

[Asker]

I feel he just gave up on me. He says he really tried but I really don't feel it. I feel so hurt and I just want to isolate from everyone I dont want to meet anyone else I rather stay alone and not get hurt at all. I feel like something is wrong with me to always get left or dumped. He says supposedly I'm a great person but I just dont get why would you give up on someone who you think is great?

[Opinion Owner]

So you really look up to him kinda like a father figure

[Asker]

Yes now that you say that I do and he is 9 years older than me. My parents never really taught me much I was always in my room and wasn't allowed out with friends so I just became an introvert. So when a guy im attracted to shows me attention I get attached like crazy because I never had my parents show affection to me either. Thats why I feel really hurt getting left because I dont have friends and just feel extremely alone since he was the only one I talked to

[Opinion Owner]

He’s just trying to let you down easy. I feel like maybe you’re more hooked onto him because you haven’t met a lot of people, but you can not force love and be in a 2 sided relationship. This is how he feels, and he’s letting you know, which is what a descent person does vs ghosting.

[Opinion Owner]

That’s understandable, but to be honest, you will push him away further if you seem desperate.

[Asker]

Thats so true it hurts but at least he told me. The only reason is because I asked him because he wasn't talking to me and acting differently towards me like more cold. What I didn't like was he said "you never know maybe in 6 months we might date again". So thats been in the back of my mind. I feel its more of like he's trying to keep me as an option and he also said he knows I really like him because what he offers of support but he doesn't want me anymore. Thats what hurts so bad like how can I stop feeling sad? mainly night times i feel alone and cry and can't sleep

[Opinion Owner]

Your parents are no longer holding you hostage anymore. Don’t ever rely on any guy. Get a job, make money, save up and maybe move out if you’re still with your parents.. maybe that will give you a sense of independence which will help you self esteem and spiritual growth.

[Opinion Owner]

And a hobby.., learn something new.. this always makes me feel better

[Opinion Owner]

And don’t let your past interfere with your future or blame your parents as you go forth.. it’s good to know where you came from and your open but don’t bring yourself down into a pity party.

[Asker]

I was actually living with him renting a room thats how I met him and I was learning a lot from him. We would go on walks and go to events or talk daily, but things took a turn and im moving back with my parents to save up on money since rent was raising up more than half my check and with gas prices going up I just couldn't. Not to mention he was bringing another girl and I just couldn't take it anymore it hurt knowing that I got replaced that quickly. Yes! I get desperate I hate that about me. I even get to the point where I stop my hobbies and wait for them or just think about him.

[Opinion Owner]

He was your landlord.. ah.. yeah.. and y’all weren’t exclusive but kinda dating.. yeah, best you moved out.

[Asker]

I just felt it was the only way out to move back because it wasn't healthy for me living there and just hearing him ask her questions like he wants to know her more I just couldn't anymore. I feel like its almost like a drug where I need him or else I'm not happy and it ruins my day if not

[Opinion Owner]

Stop torturing yourself. And let go of him.

[Asker]

Yeah he was my landlord it was starting to feel weird and I just didn't like the environment. I also felt like he would do things on purpose for me to move out such as making noise slamming pots late at night. Thats the problem with me too I think about the past too much instead of focusing on my future. I literally get stuck on my past

[Asker]

You're right girl. I will im glad im moving out soon otherwise im just going to prolong my pain

[Opinion Owner]

I hope e erything works out for you and you find happiness. No one can love you unless you love yourself first.

[Opinion Owner]

G’luck ✌️

[Asker]

Thanks so much! :)

[Gent207]

When you've reached the point where you have memorialized the past and accepted the present in which he no longer is with you, then you can move on.
Your brain has dissociate smells, music and locations with the memories of him. You will also have to remind yourself of the reasons you two are not together anymore. It will take time but the freedom afterwards is worth it!

[slatyb]

It's over. Stop contacting him so you can move on.