I cheated on my boyfriend, I hate myself so much--yes. What do I do? Do I tell him? Why?

[Anonymous]

Ok, before I start, I'm going to say that I know I was a f***ing idiot, and it doesn't seem like I love my boyfriend, etc. Please don't cuss me out, please try to see my point of view or don't answer. Thanks a lot.

I've been dating my boyfriend a little over a year. We had a wonderful loving relationship, but recently we've been growing apart, and have almost broken up because we feel like we don't connect enough. He thinks I don't care for him enough (sadly justified, I guess) and I think he doesn't like me how I am and is always trying to change me. We had an "almost break up" talk a few days ago, but decided to keep trying. He's so sweet and I couldn't break up with him and hurt him.

So, I become a total idiot, and hurt him even more by making out with my friend. I know this guy kinda likes me, but we just have fun talking and really connect. I guess that's what I'm missing with my boyfriend. I went over to talk to him yesterday, and we ended up snuggling on the couch watching movies, and then, though I resisted for a long time, making out. And, to further incriminate myself, I fell asleep and we spent the night in his bed before he drove me home early the next morning. We didn't have sex or anything though.

This guy friend of mine really likes me. He wants me to be with him, but understands if I go back to my boyfriend. I can't hurt either of them, but I know I just hurt both of them terribly. I didn't think I was like this.

At first I was going to just go back to my boyfriend and not tell him, because it would hurt him so much. But now I almost want to tell him. It's so mean not to. I can deal with it if he breaks up with me, but I can't deal with telling him and causing him pain. Really what do you think I should do? If I don't tell him, he'll still be happy and won't find out. I won't do anything like this again, but you don't have to believe me about that if you don't want to.

Updates

+1 y

also...I like my friend, but I don't really think it would work out for us in the long run because we have different viewpoints on things. My boyfriend is way more physically attractive, too. It's just that we connect and have fun...and I start wondering if that would make it work.


I liked the feeling of waking up next to the guy, and even kissing him, but every time I opened my eyes, I had this little feeling of disappointment that it wasn't my boyfriend there.

Updates

+1 y

wow somehow the title of my question got edited :P

[Anonymous]

I think that sometimes we stay in relationships we know aren't working because we have this picture in our heads of what the relationship could have been if only xyz was different. But that's completely wrong. You have to react to your real relationship, not to an imaginary relationship that you wish you were in.

You are not happy, and you say you haven't been happy for a while. I think the best thing you could have done would be to have left when you first realized things weren't working. Maybe then he could have made up his mind about whether or not to try to try again.

Now it is way too late for that. You have messed up and you cannot take it back. Don't bother trying to pretend that he won't find out. He will find out. Just focus on making it as painless for him as you can.

If you tell him, no matter what he will be devastated: he will feel horrible about himself. He will doubt his ability to please any woman. He won't trust again. He won't feel comfortable fulling loving anyone. For his sake alone, I don't think you should tell him. And when you leave him, say exactly what you have said here: you've been growing apart, you don't feel as connected, you can't care for him the way he needs, you don't feel like you can be the woman he wants. Then walk away. Never come back. Don't interact with the friend. Cut it off completely. I know that part will be painful, but that is the price you pay for your choices. Like it or not, you messed up, and you will suffer for it.

Next time you aren't feeling happy in a relationship: leave. It will be hard on him and it will be hard on you, but if you have something worth saving, you can get back together and work things out. By staying, you are setting yourself up to cheat. And no one likes a cheater.

[Asker]

this is a great answer. thanks for being so understanding.

[EmmaNemma]

Look a couple of months ago, my boyfriend cheated on me and told me. It broke my heart, and completely caught me off guard. Believe me when I say it sucked, and that I would give anything not to go through that again but despite everything I'm glad that he told me and that I didn't find out from someone else. That would have been so much worse.

[holli-would]

Dont tell Him! The mistake has been made, you can't undo it. If you tell him, you will rip his heart out and he will prob leave you. If he decides to try and forgive you and make a go of it, it will just torment him. He will never get over it. I know many people who have opted for the 'truthfulness' route. It doesn't work!

[Asker]

this seems so logical. I just don't know why everyone always says "They deserve to know" or "it's better to be a cheater than a liar and a cheater".

[TheOneTurv]

You already wanted to break up with him in the first place, i would break up with him, and dont go out with the guy... at least for a while. If you goto the guy after u break up he will think that you broke up with him to that guy. please dont do that its a shitty feeling that you get.

[dtaijo174]

Another one?!? Is there some kind of cheating girlfriend bug. Just leave him. You already want to break up, so just do it. Leave the cheating part out of it.

[Asker]

yeah...makes sense

[THAT-1-guy]

Tell him because if you want a future with this guy then it would be better to tell him now because if you tell him in the future then he will wonder what else you lied about and what else you aren't telling him

[Asker]

but what if I don't ever tell him? then he won't ever get hurt.

[THAT-1-guy]

Ok that's a option but if you do decide to do that just make sure you don't have a concious(that thing inside you that tells you to tell him)

[Asker]

yeah I get what you're saying. I don't know if I can do that...

[Raymiranda]

u can look at it that way it may not hurt him if you don't tell him. but if you do tell him it gives him the option of trying to fix the reationship or ending it. I know it sounds bad but he has a right to know what happened and to say that if you didn't wanna hurt him then you shouldn't have cheated

[THAT-1-guy]

So then tell him because like say he's brings up a conversation about how he has never cheated on you and how he loves you then how are you going to feel so if you tell him know then it will be off of your chest and you won't have to worry about it

[bewildered_123]

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you

just remember this golden rule always and you will be just fine!

[Asker]

yes, I wouldn't want him to cheat on me, but if he did, I don't know if I'd want him to tell me or not.

[Raymiranda]

u need to tell him. I mean put urse;f in his shoes if he did something like that how would you feel

[THAT-1-guy]

But if she doesn't tell him then he will never know

[Raymiranda]

he has a right to know that his girlfriend cheated on him even if she doesn't tell him it doesn't make it right that she did it if she didn't want to hurt him then she shouldn't have cheated