Why do men turn to addictions after break up?

Question

My ex lived a healthy exemplary lifestyle when we were together, never smoked, never drank,

after break up he often visited his parents drunk which was very uncommon of him

and I’ve now heard he got addicted to cigarettes after break up.

He never smoke when we were together, he smoked first time the day when we broke up.

Now he’s in a new relationship, where I’d suppose he’s happy.

He called me today though, feeling nostalgic and I found out he’s been addicted to cigarettes for 1.5 year already.

I feel like before cigarettes he was sort of addicted to me and he kind of changed the subjects of addictions.

I hate smoking!!!

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I did. There was one girl I loved very deeply but met me at the wrong time in my life. She ended up breaking up with me which I saw coming. While I was devastated I also accepted it at the time. I understood why.

I wanted her to be happy and I know wasn’t doing enough in the relationship. I actually wanted to break up with her but I couldn’t get myself to do it. So instead I acted disconnected and she eventually broke up with me. The day it happened I told her I understood her decision. Told her a part of me would always loved her and both crying we hugged.

Then we had to meet for a business meeting a few weeks later. I made a big mistake telling her I missed talking to her. She responded with one of the deepest insults I have ever taken from a woman in my entire life. I can still remember the shrieking disgust in her voice. I had plenty of women reject me before and after her. But with her there this was something different. It wasn’t just rejection but severance. Like how you would severe cancer from your body. Complete disgust and revulsion. Like I was less than human to her. And her disgust was sincere too. She didn’t say it out of anger.

After that I lost 13lbs in one month. Couldn’t eat, sleep, think and literally do anything. I almost got fired from my job and was miserable in it for last few months until I found a better job.

Then a few months later I started gambling. The vice had some sort of seductive dark magic to it that effectively temporarily got her shrieking voice out of my head. I saw it as “harmless” since I wasn’t getting high or sleeping with anyone. Also had a chance to win big money. But it got worse and worse and worse. 7 years later it almost killed me. It destroyed a bunch of opportunities and goals I had.

Good news is I got clean and joined GA. Full 12 step process and I haven’t gambled in 2 years. Took full accountability. But it definitely left a mark on my life trajectory.

Also I do not my ex for my own bad self destructive decisions. Not her fault I became an addict.

However I will say this: woman have more power than they will ever know when it comes to relationships. And men generally actually hurt more after then women for a whole multitude of reasons. Even if we don’t talk about it. Men aren’t allowed to cry and show heartbreak the same way a woman can. We don’t get the same sympathy a woman does in the same scenario either. Most of us can’t jump into a new relationship like hitting a light switch the same way any semi-attractive to attractive woman can either.

So maybe you had a good reason to break up with your boyfriend. Don’t want you to be miserable staying with him. But unless he did something fundamentally wrong (cheating, physical abuse, etc.) then you need to realize he’s a human being and has all the exact same emotions you do. He isn’t “less” than human just because you don’t have feelings for him anymore. You need to remove your feelings or lack thereof when making that judgment. Judge him how you would if you never dated him but just new him personally.

That doesn’t mean you have to be his friend or get back together with him. But many women use their heartbreak or waning feeling to self justify looking at their exes as lower than pond scum. To look at that they are still human.

Be careful how you do break ups unless the guy fundamentally did something wrong. Some men deserve to be severed. But you can still have respect for someone despite no longer having feelings for them.

Finchie40 · Accepted Answer

Mainly because of sadness and depression , and anger or stress etc. . of losing someone he gave his heart to , especially if she is the one that ended the relationship with him first , or it could be the other way around as well , So who broke up with who first? Usually people that have their heart broken or broke someone else’s heart , go through these feelings and turn to smoking or drinking etc. to calm their nerves to subside the pain they are feeling inside themselves , When my brothers’ wife decided to end the marriage with him for whatever reason , he was devastated because he loved her with all his heart , and she gave him no reason what so ever as
To why she wanted a divorce all of a sudden , my brother was hurting inside big time , and turned to smoking cigarettes and weed and started drinking alcohol a lot more to kill the pain and to keep his mind off of her , he was feeling constant sadness inside , Most people that have addictions are basically self medicating themselves to help themselves forget the pain they are feeling inside. When my heart is broken by a girl that I gave my heart to , I will turn to alcohol as well and drink my face off to the point I say Fuck it and Fuck her for giving up on us. Escaping the feelings that are eating me up inside hoping to forget

Alwayreckles93 · Accepted Answer

Not all men. Excuse bit the christian men turn to prayer after a break up. Just because you worldly people date some demonic men in the world that DOES NOT MEAN ALL MEN ARE IN THE WORLD AND TURN TO ADDICTIONS. A lit of christian guys that attended my congergation had turn to Jesus and prayer not worldly stuff so keep that in mind. My guess you must be catholic I can tell for sure because catholic people never read the bible in every little life problem you turn to acohol and addictions.

wiltingrosepetal · Accepted Answer

Eh same kind of reason why women rely on friends, pets and family members waaaay more when they're going through a break up. It's to fill the void.

But since men feel less comfortable in vulnerability, they find other ways to get their serotonin/dopamine. AKA, drugs, alcohol, porn, gambling, food, you name it.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Yes, there are addictive personalities and you may have satisfied his needs when you were in his life. After you were gone, he needed to fill the void. But most men do not have addictive personalities. Men with addictive personalities tend to be more clingy and needy in relationships and they also tend to move on to the next relationship rather quickly.

coachTanthony · Answer

Same reason why women get addicted to Ice cream after a break up lol To cope.

Avicenna · Answer

Whoa, that's messed up...

roxbby · Answer

When we are overwhelmed, we need coping mechanisms to allow intense emotions to dissipate to something manageable. However, there are healthy and unhealthy ways of coping. Drugs tend to give an immediate relief because they’re designed that way and are sadly designed in a way that makes people need it even more after they start because they make people more depressed and anxious after not using it again. He clearly was looking for a way to cope because he was suppressing his feelings. Why he chose smoking over other mechanisms could be that maybe he didn’t have the time to get other better coping mechanisms or he was desperate for a quick relief. There could be many reasons why he would choose smoking over other coping mechanisms, but ultimately it’s because he’s suppressing feelings. Especially if he’s coming back to you, he could still be interested and hurt about the situation. However, I think that the smoking could also become a habit because I’m pretty sure it makes you anxious afterwards, so it becomes addicting.

Phoenix98 · Answer

He didn't become addicted to alcohol and cigarettes' to replace his supposed addiction of you he did it to cope with the pain, depression, stress and sadness that followed.

I did the same thing when my best friend killed himself I became addicted to alcohol because the pain was unbearable and because he trusted me to help him through it which I tried to do I never forgave myself for his death. Luckily I did have someone there to help me through it to which I'll forever be grateful to her for and was eventually able to break that addiction.

Women also do turn to things as well when a bad breakup or bad trauma happens like food or smoking both of which I've seen.

But generally men turn to addiction because we don't have the same kind of support network women have and society expects us to just be able to shrug off things like bad break ups, death, etc and just keep moving forward like nothing happened because of that it's hard for us to open up and we don't really have access to the same kind of support women often do. So we usually have to deal with it on our own because people just don't take our problems or feelings seriously.

Dou1994 · Answer

Okay. I had an addiction to and no it wasn’t drugs, smoking nor drinking, it was porn. I went 2 years and 7 months without porn and also 2 years and 3 months without sex. When I was 23, I went through a horrible break up with some girl. Though I understand her reason but it was very harsh. Before dating at 23, I was single for OVER 5 years! I didn’t know I was single into the woman at that time I have dated mention how long I was single before dating her. First and foremost. I was 20 when I graduated high school. When I was 18, I was a sophomore in high school and I just came out a stellar track season and had good grades. When I was 22. I drop out of college, I was battling mental health issues and on top of that, my mom and dad both going through health crisis. I had lack not only financial stability, also, emotionally and mental stability. Spiritually I was strong but I let it get to me by thinking I wasn’t earthly good. Yeah the woman I have date when I was 23 she wanted the physical touch, she love to be taught new things and wanted quality time. I couldn’t give her that and she told me that I can’t be a man and I was always canceling dates last minute (some understandable reasons and some not) time was tough for me and I forgot how to date. All I can say is, when I went back to Porn, I was back to it and I would emotionally abuse women (the one what was interested in me) or I just don’t give them a time or day in my life. Yeah I am nearly 3 months out of the porn addiction as we speak. I am in Therapy. Back in my hobbies and etc.

Levin · Answer

It can be hard and desolate to be alone as a man. No one cares about you. You have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. When men sink, they probably sink further. Whereas women, for whatever reason, seem much more able to keep their morality and virtue when huge shifts hit them.

by the way, I don't mean this in a creepy way, but you have a banging body, if that's you in your picture. I wish more Western women would take a leaf out of your book rather than letting themselves go by age 22.

GuyAnswersGirls123 · Answer

I actually developed my heavy drinking habits after being broken-hearted in my early 20s (just recently quit completely). That was all my fault (not blaming the broken heart or that ex). I think this song describes the temptations perfectly:

https://www.youtube.com/embed/oh2LWWORoiM

I really wanted to marry her and we even talked about getting a passport so that she could come visit me in Japan. Then broke up after graduating university together and life took us in completely different directions.

BullShark · Answer

It can start off with something small, like a friend coming over and telling them they've got them something to help ease the pain of loss, and then hit 'em up with a blunt, urging them to smoke it and that it'll "help with the pain". The guy, at that time, is so distraught that he doesn't think too much on it and takes a hit; immediately getting a thousand rushed emotions flood his brain and that's how you get addicted.

It's the same with basically any addiction, if you think about it. But yeah, it's mostly always because they're trying to forget the pain of loss and to try and make the pain go away. That being said, it's not that ALL guys turn to addictions after they've had a break up, and some of them have their own morals that they still respect. I for one never smoked or drink alcohol no matter how broken up I may be inside and would rather keep it all in instead

ManOnFire · Answer

If this is true, I wouldn't be surprised. I personally believe that breakups can be more traumatic for men than for women, and I am assuming you were the one who ended the relationship. I think breakups tend to trigger a serious separation anxiety for a lot of men, because having someone in their lives really meant something to them.

Cody2004 · Answer

I recently did get cheated on thankfully I have a good support structure my sister female friends I have are the best to talk to about this because after I talked to a few of them I was like okay everything's going to be okay and I feel a lot better now even though what that happened quite recently like a few days ago the pain is still there but it's a lot more manageable now

prakhindev92 · Answer

Why does a person needs to be addictive to something? , love is something we can always find anywhere , it's just , the person broken up with you is not meant to be with you accept that , and in my opinion a person must go through at least 3 breakups in their life time , then you will know who you really are , and you will lower your expectations etc , you will start seeing the world and relationships through the eyes of a mature person , and you will defenitely won't fall for the wrong person or for the looks or some insignificant qualities , then somebody will fall for you in time , love them and take care of them

CAPLOVE · Answer

It seems like he has a addictive personality. As a person with an addictive personality, I have been addicted to people.

To answer your question this is because they need to find something to fill the void. For me, I fill the void with another guy or sometimes alcohol.

Especially if you really like the person and care about them it may turn into an addiction. There's one guy I think about on the daily but I always have to tell my self he's gone and don't reach out. It's hard.

imtiaz45 · Answer

Men, like anyone, may turn to addictions after a breakup due to various reasons. Often, it's a way to numb emotional pain or fill the void left by the relationship's end. Addictions offer a temporary escape from reality and can provide a sense of comfort or distraction. Additionally, societal expectations for men to be strong and stoic may lead them to suppress emotions, making addictive behaviors seem like the only outlet. Lack of healthy coping mechanisms or a support system can exacerbate this tendency. Ultimately, addictions serve as a maladaptive coping mechanism for dealing with the distress of a breakup.

Purpleronnie · Answer

I think any stressors Inside or outside a relationship as well as the break-up of a relationship can cause people begin unhealthy attachments. To be fair they can also effect very positive change for example coming out of bad relationships !. I wouldn’t say that he swapped the addition of you for another, that’s just silly , he had just sought something to help deal with the emotions that may have been brought in by he was dealing with the break-up. And please let’s not generalize. “ Men don’t turn to addictions after break-up” it’s likely true that some men and some women do but I despise people making sweeping general statements about entire genders !

AaronKrieger · Answer

For most men, due to how we live,  our partner is usually the only person we open to . If you take that away, then we are back to only bottling up our feelings again.  It is why guys usually fall into these two: -  The first type , who barely opens up and tries to not get too attached, so we do not experience as much pain if it ends.  This is why some men are distant and do not get attached. -  The second type , who sees this as a chance to finally open up to someone, which can lead to relying too much on them.  This is why some men are desperate for a relationship or clingy in one. I think  on average, men are less likely to experience intense feelings  of stress or pain than women in our daily life.  This is why we are worse at handling them when we do , as we usually bottle it up. We do not let ourselves effectively process most things.

gayesblog · Answer

Everyone can turn to addictions after a breakup as a coping mechanism to numb emotional pain, stress, and loneliness. Substance use offers a temporary escape from reality and feelings of rejection or loss maybe... This behavior can also stem from difficulties in expressing emotions and seeking healthy support system.

zato1abuser · Answer

I have severe seperation anxiety with severe depression and breakups fuck me up really bad. After my first relationship I started smoking, because I couldn't handle it and some friends from school helped me get through it, which all smoked. In breaks I just went with them. I still smoke / vape (swapped to vaping) after nearly 8 years, because depression is now hard to get through without smoking / vaping for meand I just need a motivation to quit, even though I tell myself constantly I have to quit...

After my second relationship I couldn't handle the pain, I just didn't want to live anymore, harmed myself and started drinking constantly. I even went to classes drunk.

I think some people just can't handle it and it's not a general thing. Maybe he also has seperation anxiety.

Redstang88 · Answer

Because I think we take it harder. Women have more men than they know what to do with just waiting to jump in and be the distraction as soon as they break up, we don’t have that luxury an turn to more self destructive ways to forget

sheikalana · Answer

Breakups are not easy. On my previous breakup I completely lost my appetite and couldn't eat for days and when I started eating again I could barely finish my food. These are natural reactions to heart break.

Why do men turn to addictions after break up?

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